I Can't Handle Anymore

 Something is wrong with me. I am sorry nobody could jist sit me down and, talk to me. They manipulate so much of what I hear and, what I say and, what I think. Nobody knows who I actually am. At least it seems that way. They spend so much time judging me and, telling me that I said or, did things I didn't do. They argue with me when I tell them I didn't say whatever it was. I don't know who they are either. Each time I think I can feel confident with who someone is, they become someone else.

qANo matter what I say, it's wrong. No matter how hard I try, it isn't enough. Nothing about me is ever going to be what they demand, I can only be me and, they won't allow that. They have manipulated so many people and, so much of life that, I don't know what to do!

,why would I want that?" Hundreds of times a day. "Bet your jealous of me now!" "Oh, no I did!" I get told hundreds of times a day that I don't love my kids. I can't take anymore. I love my kids and, I cant take anymore.

They have not only damaged my brain but, I hear they have damaged each others brains as well. Nobody seems to give a shit though. It's a constant barrage off insults and, hate directed straight at me and, I can't take anymore. 

They won't stop until everyone hates me. I can't take anymore. I didn't do anything. They have hurt me so badly and, then they blame me for it! I didn't do anything and, they keep beating me down. They blame me for everything..

They can have my life. I don't want to survive anymore. Even my kids hate me. I didn't do anything. I am too hurt. I am tired of guessing at my own life. Tired of being told I didn't do enough to survive. Tired of my kids being thrown in my face. These people have hurt me so badly and, I am not allowed to think about anything except my kids. o mm aW  talked to my daughter more! I don't want to be alive anymore. Then, they call me a liar when I say what I just heard.

I can't take anymore. "Everybody hates you Jennifer Butterfield!" They literally TORTURED me and, my own family didn't give a shit. 

"Should have got off drugs!" Fuck this life. All they do is fuck with my head. Nobody can help me now. They just keep blaming me anyways. I have begged for help and, nobody could stand to be around me. 

I am tired of begging for help. Tired of telling people that I can't remember what happened to me. I only know what I hear. I don't know who most people are. They I do, they tell me I am faking and, make fun of me. I am sorry everyone hates. I can't take anymore. All day they tell me how much they hate me.

I am sorry I don't understand. I tell them that and, all they do is tell me "I don't think you understand!" No shit! I will never understand.

They have destroyed me. They pretend they care, maybe someone did but, I am not allowed to have reality. Especially, where people are concerned. I heard once that someone couldn't move forward with their life because, it would give me reality. That was years ago and, things only got worse.

I am so sick of being blamed. Being told how hates I am. How everyone used to care about me. Deep inside I am still the same person. Under all the pain and, trauma, I could have been me again, instead they won't stop abusing me.

All these stupid bitches that are so concerned about me being jealous of them when, I don't even know who they are. Are that my kids? Are they in my life? No, them who fucking cares? I don't care about what they look like, I won't ever look like anyone but, me. I don't care about who their man is. I have enough in my own life, I don't want your man. Odds are, I don't know him either! I don't need to add to my own issues by becoming a bitch that tries to steal your man. You keep him. Angela, is a sick bitch who should use her own voice. 

She is the one that just had to prove that everyone on the planet should hate me. She has spent most of her life trying to kill me and, I DON'T KNOW HER. Before I met John, I had never heard her name. She is a homewrecker. I told her that over five years ago when she demanded John back. I am sure like so many other things that pissed her off, I will pay for calling her that. I just don't care anymore. I am sick of being punished for saying or, thinking things.

I DID NOT DO THIS TO ANYONE. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS. I HAVE NEVER KNOWN HOW TO DO THIS. I MINDED MY OWN BUSINESS. I LOVED MY OWN LIFE. WHAT THE FUCK WOULD I NEED FROM SOMEONE ELSES LIFE THAT I WOULD DO THIS? 

I can't stand this anymore. I am tired of being picked on. Manipulated. If I care about someone, they beging to rip me apart, To be completely torn apart by someone you care about is too much. They point out John who still pretends he can't hear anyone. Who cheats on me every chance he gets. This is not something that I have done. This was done for reasons that I can't understand. Angela was jealous so, I have to die. How does that make sense?

"You lost everyone now!" Ok. There is nothing I can do. They throw around names and, it makes no difference what I say. I don't know how or, why I lost everyone. I don't know why it was their goal for me to lose everyone. I am so ducked in the head from guessing who people are or, if what I hear is real that all I want is to give up. The way I feel about people who in all actuality could be anyone, it's my business. I tell them how I feel. I kept trying but, one minute someone is here, the next there. One minute they hate me, the next they still love me. I get told they only love me to get away with something. They don't consider what I think or, feel. I can't take anymore. I don't even get to know peoples name. They keep using other people's names. If I believe they actually care, they will tell me they don't and, I am giving up. I'm sorry. It's too much for me to be able to understand. My heart can't take anymore pain. I just can't take anymore.