My Children

I am so sorry. I couldn't take anymore. I would never have left you on purpose, I just can't take the pain and, humiliation of being alive anymore. 

I hope that you remember that you were the best parts of my life and, I am so very sorry that I had to give up.

If I could have stayed with you both, I would have but other people decided that I didn't deserve to have children or, be alive. There is only so much pain one person can handle.

I don't know why nobody would ever talk to me about any of this. With so many people pretending to not know anything, I had to give up. They tortured you both too and, I can only hope that people care about you more than they ever cared about me. 

I know you know I did not molest either of you and, that I love you both more than you will ever know. 

I am sorry that so many people hate me. I know that they do not hate either of you. I know you have family that lives you and, that will help you through all of this. If I had the same maybe things could have been different. In over five years, nobody bothered to talk to me. They all just kept pretending that this wasn't happening. I can't beg for help anymore. 

There are such large chunks of time that I have no memory of and, nobody gave a shit. I needed help and, only got hurt worse. I know you both lived me and, I am deeply sorry that the things people have done have hurt you both. I just couldn't keep trying. 

You know who I was and, that these people keep lying. I just can't handle the lies anymore. Everything I do is always wrong and, I had no choice left but to give up. I am so very sorry that because, I am your mother, people hurt you. They hurt so many people. They killed people and, they did that because they hate me so much. They say all of this is my fault. It's my fault they killed people. It's my fault they hurt people. It's my fault that they couldn't be stopped. Everything they have done, they did because of me. I can't handle the guilt and, pain anymore. I was never supposed to survive this. I shouldn't have survived this long. They have hurt me so badly that I don't have the strength to live anymore.

They think it's funny that I can't remember things. They admit that this has happened before but, nobody would help me. They just keep hurting me. Please, try to be strong and, lean on the people that love you. Do not take them for granted. Please, never be afraid to be yourself and, remember that it is ok to be different and, you can learn from the people who are different than u

You are. Don't let your heart fill with hate and, don't be afraid to live and, show love. Walk away from people who hurt you or, make you feel like you have less value than you know you have.  Don't ever look back at them. Do not ever let anyone hurt you when you can walk away. Help those who need help and, understand that some things will happen and, it's ok to ask for help. It's ok to express your opinion. Just because people were allowed to kill me doesn't mean you can't speak up or, stand up against what you know is wrong. This should never have been able to happen to anyone and, I wish they had left you both done.

I don't know how to be the person they demand and, the things they have done to me are so vile that there was no way to survive without help and, I couldn't get help. They have manipulated my life so badly that people stopped caring. No Ody wanted me to survive and, that includes my own family. Nobody would talk to me and, they just keep telling me to kill myself. When I try to get off drugs, they make my life worse. I needed support and, love and, I ly got lies. Lie after lie after lie until I realized that nobody cared. My own brother roofied me, raped me and, brags about it and, my parents defended him. No Ody can help me now. Nothing I do will make anything change. They wanted me to die and, there was no way to live. 

Be strong and, be kind.

I love you always. Don't forget that 

Impossible,

Mommy