Life Is Worthless

How the fuck can my own mother lie to me and, then pretend that she wanted me to fucking survive? How stupid of me to have hoped that cunt loved me. She clearly never fucking did! Doesn't matter now.  Nobody matters now. Nothing matters now. I hate these people. I hate them so much that I am happy I am going to die. It's the only fucking way to gett away from them!

I used to be a happy person. I used to have a future. I used to believe in people I had hoped, goals. Plans for the future and, these people have ripped away everything. There is nothing left in life. So, there is no point in trying to survive anymore.

Fuck them all. Worthless pieces of shit. I am so God damn sick of being lied to and, told how I didn't care. They have all turned into, themselves guess. I would have swore that it was Angela in the beginning. Even looking back, I would have swore it was her. I know there was something meine else because of the stories they would tell me. Each one ended with Angela and, John living happily ever after. I guess that was part of the reason I thought it was just her. Now, they all say the same things. They all act the same way towards me and, I feel stupid.

I kept being told everyone did this to me but, I truly believed that they were setting people up. Now, I guess I was wrong. I am an idiot. I thought I would be able to tell but, I thought I was a person too and, they have made that abundantly clear, I am not!

I wouldn't have thought my mom wanted me to die though! That one is still a lot to take in. I don't know why I am surprised, she says some of the most fucked up things I have ever heard. It is obvious she has no love for me. 

For years I have begged her for help and, now I at least know why she lied to me about all of this. There isn't any reason that makes sense besides even she was part of the plan and, even she wanted this to be done to me. Like they have said for a long time. 

They blame me for being meaner and, my words have consequences. Their words however, do not. They can and, do say the worst things I have ever heard and, that's ok. My heart is so cold to people now. The way they used my heard, my caring and, empathy for people has made me hate people. Nothing I did was good enough for people to just fucking talk to me. 

For whatever reason, when I needed help more than anything, all I got was lied to. Blamed and, shamed. Shamed so much that I am humiliated to be me. I am not perfect. I don't say things the way they demand. I don't think the way they demand so, I get punished. They have used people from my past and, some of those people have hurt me so badly that I don't think I have any memories left that bring happiness. Everything is tainted with what they have done. It is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard of.

I hear my mom saying terrible things then, I hear people (I hope and, not some sick joke that only I can hear them) telling her that I told the truth. This blog is not filled with lies, it is the truth. It is what has been done to me. She didn't care though. These people have been trying to kill me and, for whatever reason, anyone I asked told me they didn't know anything. Why tell me you don't know anything then, talk to me the way you swore you knew nothing about? I needed help. I actually didn't know anything about all of this! 

My parents have admitted they knew. They knew that someone had put me online and, wherever else. They watched me! Yet, they couldn't help me. Why didn't my mom want me to be able to survive?!

Why didn't anyone talk to me? To me, not at me. Why wasn't I aprreon? I didn't do anything to make them do something like this to me. I loved John and, until this started and, they began whispering to cause our fights, which they have admitted to. In fact, even though it is hard to believe, they swear it was Tracy that would cause the fights we had. They have swore that for years and, since she has decided that Angela didn't do this, who knows what is true anymore. I get told Angela told the truth so many times I could puke. It is sad, she has blamed John's family from day one. Said they did this to her and, that she deserves a second chance with John because, he didn't get to meet the real her. The untortured her! Like pretty much everything else Angela said in the beginning, I am blamed and, punished for! I no longer want to live.

To be told that someone lived me, it used to hurt now, I have heard it so much that it makes my skin crawl. Hundreds of tines "oh, no he did!" I guess he did just not enough to I want to be around me! I er and, over. They do that a lot though. Repeat the same thing a billion times then, when it would ooo into my head, I had to take the blame.

I have no reason to want to live. No way to believe anything that I hear yet, it is horrific and, terrorizing and, in some cases I have no way not to believe it. 

These people, they killed me. Normally they don't even tell me about someone until it is too late. This time, it was too much for me to be able to process. I do not ever want to think about people. I don't want my mind to skip and, remember what it felt like to have a crush on someone my entire life and, hear that he used to! It's a special kind of hell. Not only did I lose my kids and, my family. Hurt beyond what my brain is capable of handling, they continue to like it on. 

I get judged for how I act and, it sucks. They are literally torturing me. Using mind control tactics. I. Fact, they have used quite a few MK Ultra tactics in me. For whatever reason though, nobody was able to talk to me. All they could do was lie to me except, two people who gave me clues which, the ones I was able to catch at least, were helpful. Now though, I have heard those people are not my friends so many times I have given up. They were the last people I had left. Nobody else ever wants to be around me. They say they do but, never show up and, I am so afraid to try to seek them out because, I have no way of knowing if the person I am going to meet is the same person I could hear. That is their favorite thing. I am only supposed to know who someone is if it hurts me or, makes me seem like a liar. 

With the things they have been doing to me, I no longer have a choice. I have to die. It is the only thing they have wanted from the beginning. Everything else shifts, only that is the same. 

They have told me for years that none of these people are my friends. They are all here to hurt me and, that they all have hurt me. Their goal is to make me seem like a liar. Even someone that I thought I could trust, trust without question, keeps telling me he believed me until I started lying! When the fuck did I start lying?! 

I have lost every bit of hope. I have no will to live anymore. I am told I need to be stronger but, I have no strength left! I needed help and, people around me who cared about me. I needed to be able to know there were people who didn't believe the lies. There was nobody. I have had to listen to the two people I thought were friends tell me how much they hate me this way. Listen to my mom tell people that I didn't want to talk to my daughter. I can't take anymore. I get asked hundreds of times, "do you even care about Sophia?" Of course I care about my daughter. I care about my son too. They used everyone I loved to hurt me so badly, I don't believe in love anymore  No matter how much I begged for help though, I was left with voices that everyone else denies hearing!

Not only did they drug me in August 2021 but, they drugged me, John and, at the least my daughter when we lived in Carson! 

I guess not everyone gears their admissions. What is clear is they will use each other's voices. I will get usdled to connecting a voice with the person they say it is and, then later I get told it wasn't always who I thought. So, now, I feel even stupider! They use any voice that they think will hurt me usually. Because if this, I will never be able to trust my own mother. It's her voice, especially lately, that says the worst things. I can't ask her though because, she doesn't hear any of this and, she doesn't know what is happening. 

I feel hollow. Like I am not alive but, here I am. There is nothing and, nobody left to believe in. Every single person (or their voice at least) has been used to kill me. Even my kids voices! They want me to die and, I can't survive anymore.

I do not want to be forced to live. That would only compound the pain. I don't want to sit around and, let the things that have happened and, the ways my life has been so devastatinglybaktered slip into my mind. I don't think I can handle that. I barely think as it is. Not just because they physically altered my brain but, because, I get punished if I think the wrong thing o, if I think it the wrong way. I am not allowed to talk like myself, I have to talk l, think and, do as they say or, punishment! 

People are fully aware if what they are doing to people. More people than just me. They have this almost perfected so, obviously it is more than just me. I am sorry that I couldn't stop them. I am blamed for them not being able to be caught. Told that it was up to me to stop them and, I couldn't do enough. Told if I had killed myself sooner they wouldn't have had to hurt and, kill others. They said that people would blame me for the loss of their lives one and, they do. More than just one person has said something about hearing my voice I feel so much guilt for things I had no control over. If I had just done what they wanted so badly, people I live may still have their lives ones in their lives. How do I justify my life? 

I "was supposed to be perfect for John Butterfield!" What the fuck does that mean? That bastard has lied to me from the day we met! He knew what was happening to me and, made fun of me for it.