I Hate This

I have never felt so stupid, ugly, fat, worthless, unwanted, just everything that is disgusting and, wrong with the world is what I see in myself.

I can't take anymore. How can people treat another human being like this?

I am done being accused of shit I didn't FUCKING do! I hate being alive anymore. What is the point, so I can listen to people lie about me, tell me to kill myself every fucking day, tell me how disgusting I am every day? Why didnt anyone want to talk to me or, be around me? I have tried  to be strong. I have tried to have patience and, I can't anymore. I hate myself so fucking much. I can't do anything right I am so hurt now that, I want to just go to sleep and, never have to worry about people I love abandoning me again. I won't have to worry about my children being hurt. So hurt that their lives have been irrevocabley altered and, I can't help them either. 

I don't know how to live through this kind of pain anymore. I don't know how to forget the things they have done to me, the things I remember are horrible and, what they tell me that I can't remember is even worse. They can have my life. 

It is so obvious that I do not matter. I can't help my children and, that has already made me feel like the biggest failure there is. To listen to these people that I genuinely cares about, people I thought were trying to help me turn and, do this to me, I feel sick. Without a doubt I am not going to ever feel like I am a human being again. 

I am afraid to care about people now. I know for sure they will hurt me and, hurt me so badly that I feel nothing but, shame and, humiliation and, these are people that care lol what are people who don't care going to dicto me?! I guess I was stupid to have believed that people would stop before things went so far that they can not be repaired. Stupid to have hoped anyone still saw me as a person and, not just some loser drug addict that it is ok to attack.

I don't know what they show about me, if anything. I don't know if any of the things that they say they did during the times I can't remember are actual things that have been done. They have fucked with my head so badly that I have no idea who I am or, what my life is. They apparently think this is hysterical. I don't think hardly at all. Since I didn't go to rehab and, didn't stop using in my own, it's my fault. It's always been my fault. They have found ways to blame me for everything and, I feel guilty for things I have never done. "If I had killed myself sooner, they wouldn't have had to attack others." My life isn't worth ither people being murdered. My life isn't worth anything anymore. 

They have hurt me so badly, hurt a lot of people badly. My survival has only gotten other people killed and, more than likely me sent to jail! What the fuck is going on? I am a stranger in my own life. 

It makes no sense. No matter how many times I tell people I can't see them or, anything else unless, it is here around me, they continue to tell me to look at something or, someone. No matter how many times I say I DO NOT KNOW GOW TO USE THIS TECHNOLOGY, I DO NIT KNOW HOW TO DO THIS, it seems like very few people believe me.

I AM NOT A CHILD MOKESTER OR, CHILD ABUSER. I love my kids with everything in me. Kids in general are cool people. Because of this "gaslighting" as they call it, my life has been destroyed. All the lies they have told about me, all the games they have played with my head, all the people that could have helped me or, talked to me and, didn't. What if something bad happens again? How do I have any faith in almost everyone? How do I get myself to believe that people would be there for me? 

I feel like a joke. I was so easy for most people to turn their backs in and, hurt. It was so easy for people to pretend to care about me and, then tell me how they truly feel about me. All the lies were so easy for so many people to believe. 

I am sorry that I do not know most of these people in person. I haven't seen a bunch of them for at least ten years or, more. I know they believe something else and, I am so tired of trying to get people to not only believe me but, care! If the things they have been telling me are true, if any of that is real,, then I am done trying to survive anyways.

Most of these people are nothing like I thought they were. I have very few, if any, memories that have not been tainted by this entire thing. I turned the. In, only to face severe punishment for doing so. They punished my kids for not only turning them in but, also for not giving into their every demand! They hurt people who cared about me so that everyone would hate me and, almost everyone has hurt me so deeply that, there isn't much else in my life anymore. 

"Just kill yourself Jennifer Butterfield!" Every mother fucking day? How long could anyone or, anything survive? I am done trying to survive. 

I DIDNT FUCKING DO ANYTHING! I needed help. They all knew that I can not remember chunks of time, if what they have told me is true yet, I couldn't get anyone to talk to me in person. I couldn't get anyone to just sit me down and, tell me what is going on and, help me understand if the names they use are the actual people, if the person whose voice I hear is the person who is talking, and, if what they are saying is true. I have never found myself online. Never seen anything they say they show people. Now, I am being told that they have video if me molesting my child! There is no fucking way. No way at all. Impossible! I am not a fucking child molester!

I hate these fucking people. They have finally gotten what they have been demanding for I er five fucking years. They have finally tortured me to DEATH. Apparently, being a drug addict is the same as being a child molester. I am sorry that this is how this ends. Sorry that even my own family didn't think that I was worth anything I didn't do anything and, I am so fucking hurt that I do not want to survive anymore. I am giving up my life. There is nothing left if it anyways. I didn't do anything. 

I have begged for help for so long, inky to get lied to by so many people I don't want to live. They say my uncle told them to tell me the truth and, if what they have been telling me is true, again no confirmation other than the voices that have demolished my life then, there is nothing I can do. Its been so long since they said I was raped and, the periods of time that I have no memory of, it has all become too much. I am really sorry that I wasn't perfect. Sorry even my own mother has lied to me and, told me how she doesn't know anything and, can't help me. 

I have tried and, I failed. Because I am a failure they have been able to completely destroy my life. I am as worthless as they tell me I am and, I can't handle this anymore. 

I am sorry to my children.bi love them so much and, I would never do the things they are saying I have done. I wish I could have stayed with you both longer. I love you.