I HATE MYSELF
I couldn't get anyone to care about me, even when my life was in the line. All people want to do is pretend to care and, then blame me for everything. How is that helping? People can't understand that without help in person, without people telling me the truth, I am left at the mercy of people who obviously want me to die! Only, now I think everyone wants me to die and, I am done believing there is anything good about me. I hate myself more than people can ever imagine!
There is nothing left. No reason to want to be alive. People couldn't stop abusing me and, I guess nobody could stand to be around me to help me I have watched people turn around when they see me walking in their direction! I have been told that all these different people "rescued" me. Then, told nobody rescued me. There is no way to know what is true and, what isn't.
Then, they use someone I have had a crush on for pretty much my whole life to try to convince me that someone cares or, that he is the one that rescued me! Lmfao I am done believing anything good. Anytime there is anything good in my life or, even the smallest hope of something good, it is used to hurt me. EVERY MOTHER DUCKING TIME. Good things have been used to hurt me so badly, that I no longer believe there is anything good about life! I DONT THINK I WILL EVER BELUEVE THAT THERE IS ANYTHING GOOD IN LIFE AGAIN. I KNOW THAT I WINT EVER BELUEVE ANYONE CARES ABOUT ME.CI HAVE BEEN TOLD SO MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE RESCUED KE THAT I NO LONGER BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED.
I REMEMBEREA LITTLE BIT YESTERDAY ONLY TO BE TOLD THAT THEY SHOWED ME IN A DREAM AND, THAT THE FLSREAN I REMMEBER HAVJNG ABOUT SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED WAS REAL! THAT IS HOW YOU FORCE SOMEONE TO REMEMBER?
How many people rescued me before he did? To hear you say you hurt him and, did this to him for most of his life only proves to me, even more, that my life is hurting people. I have been told so many things that I don't have the first clue what is real and, I get blamed for just about everything.
EVERY SINGLE THING THAT BROUGHT IOY HAS BEEN USED TO HURT ME. EVERY MEMORY I UAVE NOW ONLY BRONGS SADNESS. Nothing about life has any happiness in it! I have no idea what I could have ever done to make people want to kill me but, that's what happened!
I am so hurt at this point, hurt and, completely unsure of what the fuck is real or, who I can safely trust without being afraid they hate me or, are helping people kill me that I am done trying.
I have believed the things that brought happiness or, comfort for too long. I have learned that life only brings pain. I have asked my family for help, only to find out that they have been helping do this to me. No wonder they had to do everything they could to get me out of the place I was staying before here. They were even going to put me on their lease! They are the only people that did anything real to help protect me and, I am told how much they hate me and, that they aren't my friends every single day. I felt like they were family and, it felt like home there. The first time in forever I felt like I had a home where I was loved. Of course you had to punish me for that. I thought about how the last time I had that kind of comfort and, acceptance was at my grandparents ranch so, you destroyed that! You lied to me so much that I lost someone so important to me that , I am unsure how to ever think about my past and, I am done trying.
In the end, I can't trust anything I hear and, I find it very difficult to understand why nobody could stand to be around me. To listen to you people tell me that he ever gleven knew my name or, remembered me, let alone loved me hurts beyond hurt and, has done severe damage to a huge part of my life. How can you do something so bad? Ai damaging to another person?
I am not going I try to do anything anymore. I only get ripped apart and, shamed for trying and, told how my best isn't good enough. My best is never going to be good enough.
I am so sick of being told to tell the truth. Told how I need to focus on my kids. I am trying. I am told every day how much people hate me. How everyone hates me. They musr, NIBIDY wants me around. If I spend time with the last two people that were in my life I get punished the second I leave and, they have been hurt too. I can't get help anywhere. I get told I will never get my kids back if I keep saying I am hearing voices. Punished for trying to tell people what is being said and, done to me. I get told that I was asking people to do this to me. I can't even tell people how badly I am being abused. When I try in person I hear them get threatened and, nobody knows anything. I get told how John was so amazing to me when he abused me so badly I am a lot of the thine afraid of him. I try to keep my distance when he is here. I don't want to touch him or, be close to him. He will act like he cares then, pick a fight with me. He swears he doesn't have a clue who lives upstairs but, he will pick fights quietly so the people upstairs believe Inam the abuser and, not him.
I am sorry. I needed help. I literally can not deal with this anymore. I can't do anything hing right. Not even close to good enough and, I hear about it
When I try to do what I know o need to I get treated even worse. I am always wrong, everything I say and, do is wrong. . I get lied to so fucking much that I no longer can understand people. I do not believe anything good is real. Each time I do I get hurt worse. I can not focus on everything that people demand. I needed help. Seriously needed help. Now, I am so afraid of people lying to me that I can't take it anymore!
It was bad enough to find out that John lied to me our entire relationship. Everything about him was a lie. Tick know that all these other people have lied to me too, I can't handle it anymore. One minute I think someone cares and, might help me or, fix forbid aee me as a person still and, love me, I get hurt and, each time I get hurt worse. The second I think I hear one person, I find out the hard way that it was someone else. People hate me and,cthere is nothing I can do to make things better. If I think I know who I'm talking to, I am going to get hurt. If I believe anything good. I am going to get hurt. Today, instead of being told people don't want me around because I am a drug addict, they have decided that I am a child molester. I am not but, now they keep asking me if I finger fucked my daughter!
Over and over abd, I have no idea if that is what people are saying or, what they believe. Nobody will talk to me in person and, I hear people threatening me all the time. They take credit for things then, if I bekieve anything they say, I get punished. Punished for not believing and, punished for believing. Instead of hearing about being a drug addict or, how hated I am, today it's all about my daughter. Good luck seeing her. Good luck getting her back and, did you finger fhck her, over and, over and, over. If I say anything, I get made fun of, told I need to clean my ears out, ect. I AM TELLING YOU WHAT I HEAR. I DONT CARE IF THAT ISNT WHAT JS BEING SAID, THAT IS WHAT I AM HEARING. Like always it's me that is the liar!
I can't focus on a full life anymore. I can't function as an adult and, I needed help so badly. I needed people to help me. Now, I believe that everyone sees me the way my abusers tell them to. I see myself that way. I have been told terrible, horrible things with no relief. Left to try to understand everything while not being able to feel secure in believing what I hear is what is being said and, by who.
I feel abandonded and, unwanted in this world. We