I Can't Understand
How can a parent be ok with the things that have been done and, continue to be done to me?
I have begged my mom for help but, all she tells me is that she doesn't know anything. She, like everyone on the planet apparently, knows everything that happened to me and, I don't know what to do.
I had no idea that this was happening. Not a cluenthat this was being done to me. I thought I had met a really great guy who loved me and, fit into our little family so perfectly.
When I first started hearing these people, I thought it was just someone who was jealous that John married me
She was so angry that he didn't marry her. Everything was about how she wanted her "ex boyfriend" back. How I didn't deserve him. How she didn't see him as marriage material until he married me. She was going to show me the "real John Butterfield" because he didn't treat her the way he treated me. I tried to explain to her that he didn't love her and, that is why he treated me differently than he treated her. She refused to listen, she refused to believe me. She swore that he fell in love when her back was turned!
All these things that they keep punishing me for, they are fully aware we're not things that I have done. Theynare fully aware of all of this but, nothing except getting away with it all matters to them. If it is a different way, I wish that people would just talk to . I know that people are getting hurt, people are dying but, I guess it just seems like there would be a way to stand together and, fight. Instead, for whatever reason, it is better to kill me.
It doesn't make any sense to me but, it's fine with me. The things that have been done aren't going to simply go away.
The things they admit to, people just listen to them and, nothing seems to matter. "Hey, we blocked receptors in your head and, fucked with your brain! Physically fucked with your brain!" At least the drugs were my choice. It makes no sense. All of the things that they have done to me and, so many others and, now I am going to end up in jail while they have gotten a free fucking pass to do whatever they want. I will never understand how my own family can know that I did nothing and, everything is still my fault.
Ultimately, we were all victims. For whatever reason, even from the very beginning, no matter who I asked, nobody knew anything. They just kept defending Angela. Why? They obviously knew what was being done. I went to John the moment I began hearing them. I guess though, I wasn't John's family. He did what he had to do to protect his family and, that meant whatever is happening now.
It wasn't until they had confirmation and, had tested me for years to make sure that I couldn't remember a lot of things and, times that they started saying that I molested my daughterbajd, that someone I barely know in person was there with me and, I am not sure if he did something because I asked him or, if I did something. Before that, it was John and, I that were accused. She was left with us for a few hours in December so we could celebrate Christmas and, take her for a bike ride. I heard John say something when yhenaccusation was made and, people watched us so, it was obviously completely baseless
After it was confirmed that I don't remember all these things, that's when this accusation came out.
It is more and,more difficult to prove that I do not remember since, they keep telling me things.
I can't understand a lot of things. One of the biggest things and, this is the basis for what is being done to me now, it was around April 2020 Angela said that she had proof that John had hurt our daughter. She said she was with her mother and, her mother said she was going to call the police and, that I should too! I CALLED AND, DEFENDED JOHN! He knows I defended him and, that is one of the things that starts a fight every time. He keeps trying to convince me that I didn't defend him. The "police" called back and, talked to John. Except, he said that they told him to take me to West Hills and, West Hills was in Reno. We lived in Carson City, why wouldn't they have said to take me to Mallory in Carson? Now, he swears they said Mallory and, that is a lie. Just like the fight where he went to jail. He has tried to convince me since he got out of prison in August 2022 and, he swears he didn't get out a day early,, that I hit him first but, that is a lie too. Just like he swears he didn't threaten my daughter's life but, he did. He is the one that told me he did when he came home from jail!
He has fucked my head up so bad. He tells me how he is the only one that shows up for me. Even on my birthday, "you don't see anyone else who showed up do you?" I heard he put feces in the birthday cake he was so proud to tell me he made himself!
He has fucked my head up big time and, I can't take this anymore. There is nothing more I can do. To hear Tracy say she has a sworn statement saying that I cheated on John first. That is a huge fucking lie. I can't keep trying I am sorry but, this has caused a lot of damage to so many people and, Tracy has made it very clear that I am the reason this is being done, same as Angela did. She has told me the only way to get away from the abusers is to die and, that this will all go away once indie. That means my children will be left alone my family and, the people I love can once again be happy.
She told me she would hurt my brother Ryan because, she knew it would hurt me. How if I had killed myself sooner she wouldn't have had to hurt so many other people and, that people would blame me for it and, they do! I don't want to live anymore
How can people accuse me of things they know full FUCKING well I have not done and, I am not at all sorry that I am giving up.
They keep telling me things and, asking me how I am confused! They change their voices and, names and, lie to me about who people are. Now, like always it is important to prove I am a liar, which I am not. I know that it wasn't the Angela that just spoke up and, said you don't hear anyone blaming me now do you? About who is my husband! No shit bitch because, it wasn't you. That much I do know and, obviously they are aware of that since they have been doing that bullshit thing where they call someone else my husband for years now. They call someone else my husband and, then punish me for it!
I can't take this anymore. I am done even trying. There is no way to survive this ikind of attack. I keep telling the truth and, I get told I am a psychopath because, what I say stays the same. Their story changes all the time but, the truth doesn't fucking change.
I am so sick of not understanding why the fuck they won't stop. WHAT LESSON DID I NEED TO FUCKING LEARN? HOW TO BE PUNISHED FOR BEING ATTACKED?
If course I am angry I have no privacy I get bitched at over everything. "Look at her, she must be a dude, look how she wiped her ass!" I am tired of being punished for being angry. Who wouldn't be angry. You keep teaching me lessons for things that I didn't say or, do and, you prove time and, time again that you are fully aware I didn't do and, say those things.
This is disgusting. I can't take this anymore.
John has swore from minute one that he can't hear any of this and, they swore that they were attacking him. They said the only difference between what they were doing to me and, what they were doing to him was I could hear them and, he couldn't. After years of abuse and, believing that he was still being attacked I tried to explain to him whT they had explained to me so he could try to protect himself. How stupid of me to have continued to try to help John. Fuck him and, I give up.
I refuse to sit here and, listen to people I care about or, that care about me he hurt because of me remaining alive and, not wanting to stay married to John. I have tried like hell and, I am done trying. It has been an all consuming attack and, I give up. They have terrorized me and, lied to me and, about me for the last time.
I simply can no longer handle the abuse. 24/7 and, I am done trying. My stress level is so high I don't know what to do. They have abused me so badly that, I don't want to try anymore.
I don't understand anything and, they dangle help like ancarrotnin a stick. I am so tired of saying indo not understand.
I am giving up. You got my life but, you do not get my children
I don't have a chance in hell anyways. I don't know what the fuck is real I don't know what to believe. All I know is I kept trying to survive and, I told everyone everything I knew. Now, it doesn't make a difference what is going on.
I am happy my life is over sad I won't see my kids grow up and, that they lost their mom but, I can't handle anymore pain. There is no way to recover from any of this. I don't even know how to begin to recover. How to believe in myself or, believe in anyone else. They have hurt people so badly and, they place the blame on me and, I am done trying. I am clearly the problem and, for whatever reason what I say is always wrong. Somehow, I am always a liar and, I can't take anymore.
They have set everyone up and, the worst people if all somehow are innocent. Tracy has admitted to the things she has done and, it was the plan. Angela was pretty clear how much she hated all these people. I wish someone had explained to me why they tortured me for all this time..
I am sorry that I couldn't stop them. I know they told me it was up to me and, I couldn't do it I couldn't protect my kids from any of this. I have begged for help and, I don't feel like I can trust anyone. I am sure that I am wrong about how I feel. My feelings are always wrong. Everything about me is always wrong and, I can not handle it anymore I am not a person and, I haven't been in so long that I can't keep trying. People would rather hurt me than just talk to me and, I am done with all of the ways they have killed me. "Just kill yourself Jennifer Butterfield!"
They abused the living shit out of me and, then blame me. How can you put my life in a position where I am going to die and, expect me to stay silent? This whole thing has destroyed my life. Since nobody wants me around, I just won't be around.
This is by far the most disgusting thing I have ever heard of and, because of this and, the people that have done this to me, I no longer have the desire to be alive.
My own fucking family would rather lie to me, torture me and, kill me rather than just talk to me! All it would have taken was one person helping me and, letting me go to them with questions, one person who would just talk to me! I thought people had been trying to help me but, obviously not. I can't take anymore.