I Am Not Sorry

I can't deal with the bullshit anymore. I do not give a rats ass about these dudes. I am so fucking sick if trying to be nice only to listen to idiots talk about how badly I want them. Why bother being nice then? It only makes things worse.

Then, I have to listen to how I don't want anything to do with my kids or, I am not trying hard enough to get back to them or, I put dudes or, other kids before my own kids. 

Meanwhile, I am struggling to figure out what the fuck is going in and, what I should believe. I keep being told I was raped and, I know for a fact my step-brother that I live with roofied a drink and, had me drink it. I know I am missing a large chunks of time and, the memories that go with it and, I believe that instead of helping me and, trying to keep me safe and, get help, they just kept doing it!

Instead of caring, I just keep being told that I am on my own now! Ummm, ok. Angela used to bitch at me because I married John and, I took everyone away from her. I made it so she had nobody! Now, I am in my own and, for whatever reason, I am the problem. Everything continues to be blamed in me! 

Someone yelled because, I guess it was exciting to tell me how "they ran a big ol train" on me and, when John came back he told me how my new nicknames were "train" and "fist pump!" Then, he made fun of me for being upset at the lovely nicknames.

Today is just another day and, night of pure misery. I don't understand how constant abuse is going to help me get back to my children. How does telling me to kill myself every day make anything better? How does drugging me and, letting people into this apartment to rape me make life better? "It's the only way to catch them!" What the fuck?! How can you use your child or, your wife, sister or, whatever I am to you like that? How can you let someone hurt another person this badly?! Nothing makes sense but, they are trying to tell me that I said or, did these things during the time periods that I can't remember. They tell me they have proof but, I am never allowed to see it. How can any of this be possible? They aren't trying to catch anyone. Fuck this.

I will never be able to understand why people couldn't or, wouldn't help make this stop! How is me being a drug addict worse than what these people have been doing. I am sick if it all. I am punished constantly for everything. I get bitched at for showing compassion. Bitched at for anything and, everything to do with John. I let him come back after prison, so I have to learn a lesson. I kick him out for abusing the fuck out of me, I have to learn a lesson. I tell the truth, I have to learn a lesson. Easily, 90% of their lessons are about things I didn't do! 

Like I was told about being raped and, now it's about everything I "have to take one for the team!" It's funny how pathetic this whole thing is. They invade my brain, abuse me, John, my kids and, pretty much everyone else and, if I say anything that displeases them, I am the problem. I am the bully! 

I can't remember exactly what was said since it was five years ago now but, I told Angela that John totook one for the team. Honestly, I think it was because she kept bitching about why he married me and, not her. I am not sure though. The whole thing was stupid. Bitch, bitch, bitch all because she wanted John "back" even though they were never a couple. She swore he would "think everything she has done to get him back was so sexy!" Delusional.

I think it is strange that nobody thinks it is alarming that she introduced herself as me, she broke into our home and showered in our shower so she would smell like me, she would try on our clothes, she still buys things that I wear. Obsessed but, it's ok because she isn't insane and, isn't trying to kill me! Oh, wait! I guess it is just part of their plan!

This plan they live to tell me about. Just like they keep telling me all kinds of things. Why? Hard to frame someone who doesn't know anything and, then they can ask me how I am confused! I know they are going to kill me. There is no doubt about it now. I am learning to be a little bit better at dealing with it all. I don't lose my shit as much, I just am having a hard time understanding why my own family is also trying to kill me. 

I am so sick of being bitched at and, if I don't give them attention, they get worse. If I take care of myself or, try to get things done, punishment is worse. I am so depressed I don't want to get out of bed. So hurt and, traumatized I don't want to try anymore. I can feel myself shutting down a little more each day. I am losing the ability to want to be around people. I find it harder and, harder to want to help anyone. Each time I try, it ends badly. It is obvious that I am not wanted anywhere but in the ground. I am not sure what I did but, it must have been bad. 

They keep demanding I get a job. At least that I am used to. Teenage years all over again. Nice if them to make sure that they have shown whatever it is they show to as many people as they show it to so that I appear as horrible as possible. They make sure I know they have done this most of my life but, who cares, as long as they can blame me. 

I want to be compassionate and, be there for my kids and, for friends, family and, anyone who needs help but, it only causes more drama so, fuck it. I am sick if being beat down for trying. 

Angela said she would become emabd, I would become her. Angry and, pathetic. Much easier to blame me for the things she has fine then. I get told that they all did this. His they all used my voice for all of these years. How they all raped me. Then, if course they tell me I wasn't raped or, ask me when it happened! They are the ones that told me I was take in the first fucking place. They knew I didn't remember hardly anything they have done, why pretend? Why act like I know what is going on? "John told you the truth!" Oh, you mean he can't hear any of this, doesn't know any of these people and, tells me I need medication! Good call! 

I am tired of being depressed. Tired of being beat down. Tired of being lied to so much that nothing seems real anymore. I miss my kids, they are hurting them and, telling me it is my fault because I can't get back to them! Just like it is my fault they tell me to kill myself every fucking day!