"HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE CONFUSED?!"

As if I wasn't hurt enough or, confused enough, now this.

I have had more than enough. I am sick of being told all kinds of fucking things then, asked "how are you confused?" Are you fucking seriously asking me that? By asking me that, especially after telling me so many things, you sound like you are setting me up.

I have answered the "how are you confused" question hundreds of times. I even have a fucking list of things that I am confused about. A long list. They even fucking told me to stop writing that they get the point. 

To have someone ask me how it feels to be confused makes me fucking sick.

I am so tired of being lied to about who people are and, about how they fucking feel about me. Most of the time I end up thinking someone is in my side when they aren't. The worst though, I continue to say I love someone and, they continue to think it's funny to confuse the fuck out of me about who that person is. Since almost nobody is allowed to be around me, I am left so defenseless and, seriously hurt and, confused. I am afraid of people because of this. Every day it gets worse. Every day I get more threats and, am more afraid.  Lately, more than ever, I am becoming afraid of my own fucking family. I am sick of all of this. I am not fucking paranoid. I am being hurt so God damn fucking bad that I am ready to give up. My asshole brother who clearly is part of this and, there is no longer a way to pretend he is being duped or, anything else has assured me that if I go up in the parking garage to jump now, someone will fucking push me. Maybe because earlier I heard his fucking voice blame someone and, that someone said they heard my voice.

I am so fucking hurt. I don't have a clue anymore how to begin to deal with the pain and, loss of the people they use to hurt me. Last night I made a promise to person A. This morning it was person B. Then person C. Then person D and, now they are back to person A! When I tell these cunts that they are hurting more than just me, they tell me that I am the one hurting people! I can't make heads it tails or who the fuck I am talking to most of the time. When indo believe it is someone, they will make sure that I doubt everything I hear. 

I am afraid to meet people now. Especially when they say it is person A I am going to meet but, they use someone else's voice then, they call person A a different name. Yesterday I ended up crying myself to sleep. I cry myself to sleep more and, more. I am tired of trying to figure out who people are. Then, I get told "I told you myself!" Only, how do I know which time they were the real person? I know that this is part of the plan to make John seem like he isn't an abusive man. Inky, he did abuse the fuck out of me. I feel guilty when he tells me he wants to die and, how he doesn't have anybody because, if the situation that I am in. I feel less guilty now though. 

I am sick of hearing "fuck you Jennifer Butterfield!" Suck to death of it. I HAVENT FUCKING DONE ANYTHING! How can people be pissed off at me when I get lied to so much that I can't figure anything out. I am beginning to hate people. Genuinely, with all of my fucking heart, hate people. Why blame me? Why tell me to clean my ears out? I am telling you what is being done to me.

These people are so fucking sick that they have the nerve to act like they are the victims. They have hurt me so badly it will be a cold day in hell before I ever believe that anyone lives me. I am tired of being told anything. I haven't done anything. They admit all kinds of things, brag about how they cost me someone I genuinely love and, I still get fuck you Jennifer. It people were "allowed" to be around me all of this could have been avoided.

I had to hear someone say last night how now I know what it means to fight quietly. People apparently didn't hear John starting fights with me, they only heard me fighting with him! John, the worst of the worst, who I sometimes hear defending me like I would occasionally hear Angela defending me, clearly knew everything. His mother said that he did what he had to do to protect his family! What the fuck were me and, my children? What about all these other people that are victims? I am so hurt right now that I no left anger care who I lose. Every day it's the same thing anyways. I am always losing someone. Usually I am told I lost everyone. Dune, now I have heard it so fucking much that I don't get hurt nearly like I used to.

Now that I know without a doubt that my brother is not someone that I can trust, I believe everything u have heard about him. I already knew he makes fun of me for being raped but, to know he used my fucking voice to blame someone makes me sick. I am not going to be able to even have a place to live because of this bullshit. I am tired of defending myself. I don't fucking care if you heard my voice or, not. I know what I have said, to tell me that I am wrong about something I said is disgusting. How the fuck can people seriously try to make me question what I know I said and, didn't say? Why the fuck won't anyone take the fucking reigns and, make this shit stop? Everyone keeps accusing everyone else and, I am left stuck without sanity. I am so sick of all of this.

"Go ahead and, blame Angela!" I will, thank you. If you helped her that still doesn't excuse what she has done and, continues to do. She told me that abt man I like she will take from me, for the rest of my life! It keeps happening and, I can't handle the pain that so many people I genuinely care about are being out through. You should tbuse someone's heart and, to keep me guessing at what is happening around me is making me sick. I feel like I am a stranger in my own life