What Do You Believe?

I am at the end of the line here. I needed so much help and, to have someone I can go to with questions and, clarification. There was never, not once, anyone that I could get that from. 

Each person I ever asked, denied all knowledge of what is happening. They told me that I am crazy or, stupid, they made fun of me and, sometimes made it very clear they were talking to someone, even though they denied all knowledge. I have been left to fend for myself, at least in person. Since they manipulate so much of what I hear, use so many other voices, lie to me constantly and, I can't see any of them and, I don't know how to do this so, I am sunk. 

They tell me that there is no way anyone is this confused and, I am told over and, over in every voice that no Ody will help me because I am a drug addict.

It has been over five years since I started hearing these people non stop. There have been many times where they were the only people I had to talk to and, they have always been the only people who tell me anything about what is being done to me. I had to rely on these people, people who want me to die, to find out what is happening in my own life. 

They have done some horrific things to me and, my children. I have lost all hope that anyone is going to be able to help me. I have reached out to people, more than once but, this group has decided that I have to die and, there is no longer a way to stop them. Everything has gotten so far out of control that I can't understand life anymore.

All day and, all night they use so many different voices and, I get hurtband, confused so easily that I am no longer able to figure get for my life.

The things that Tracy and, John have done to my daughter, they now blame me for. If anyone believes me, I wouldn't be able to tell. I am no longer going to try. I am tired of defending myself. Usually I find out what they are saying or, showing about me far too late anyways. 

My children areball I have left and, because of the lies and, bullshit they have spread about me, I will never get them back. 

I am sorry that I married John. Very sorry. He is nothing like the man I had believed he was and, every promise he ever made me was exactly like every memory of his that he shared with me, A LIE!

I can't do anything that is going to make a difference now. They have forced my children to watch every part of my life. I have no privacy from them or, anyone else. They have had to watch me bathe, have sex and, every other thing under the sun. Somehow, everything is always my fault. They forced my children watch me be tortured and, it's my fault!

Why wouldn't anyone be able to step in and, make this bullshit stop? My head is now so fucked up that I will never be able to understand what parts were true and, what were lies. I don't understand why I am so hated. I don't understand who I can trust. I can not live this way. Since it doesn't seem like anyone wants me to live anymore, I am at the end. I am ready to go.

I can't understand why my own mother or, her voice, would lie to me and, then defend people killing me. I heard they have been poisoning me for at least six months and, that is probably true! I am going to die no matter what. I tried to explain this all to John, along with how depressed I am and, how hurt I am. All he said is "we all die sometime?" He has never given a shit.

John has hurt me more than anyone else. I loved him. Trusted him. Turned to him and, believed he was my partner for life. What a fucking joke. Lie on top of life and, then he makes fun of me for all of this. Tells me I am crazy and it's all in my head. From the minute I told him, he either denied hearing any of this or, defended Angela, who he said he hated. 

I have no self esteem left. I am tired of trying to trust anyone. It is clear that I have no friends and, no family. I am told I never think about my kids and, that isn't true. I simply can't deal with any of this. Without even a moment of privacy, EVER, I am shamed for so many things and, I am done with all of this.

I didn't do a fucking thing to anyone. They hurt me so badly I will say anything to get them to shut the fuck up, now they use it all against me to cover up all of the things they have been doing.

The things they tell me l, especially when I am already hurting and, so low in life, are sick as fuck. Things like Tracy sliced my daughters nipple off. Then, I hear her asking my mother, who also swears she doesn't know anything, if I asked her about whatever sick thing I have been told about my daughter or, my son. My mom blows me off and tells me to get help. She acts like she doesn't believe a word of what I say, "just get off drugs!" So, instead of support from my own mother against the most horrific abuse I have ever experienced or, heard of, I am getting set up. Fuck this.

Tracy, I heard, told the courts that the drugs she got pulled over with were mine and, made a deal and, is now turning everyone in. I wasntiel John, when he got arrested, he said they got pulled over because the headlights in their vehicle weren't working after a day of door dashing and, he also gi busted with drugs, made some kind of similar deal. I am not dead, I have heard them more than once blaming me for this bullshit thing that I don't even know how to do!

John has blamed me for shit I didn't do, like leaving huge, almost black, 2x4 shaped bruises on his body. He had me in tears only to be told that someone else gave them to him. He accuses me if things that he or, this group has done to me and, when I tell him he is lying he calls me crazy! 

I am so sick of people claiming I know what is going on, even sicker of telling people I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DO THIS, THERFORE, I CAN NIT SEE YOU. I CAN NIT SEE ANYONE. I AM FIRCED TI HEAR ONLY. I AM THEIR VICTIM! I guess that is too hard to understand. 

Now, even though they tell me to kill myself all the God damn time. Hundreds of fucking times a day and, I am done living. They are now using my God damn voice to tell my children to kill themselves. Fuck this dumb cunt. I hate these fucking people.

I am sure nobody believes me though. I have been told multiple times this morning that I am on my own! Fine with me. I don't give a fuck about my life anymore. Why even bother to give a shit? I can't do anything to get these assholes off my back.

They demand I get off drugs, then do everything possible to sabatoge me. Not only did that stupid cunt admit it but, several other people including her own family members have said the same. Not that anything I say matters. 

This is the end of my life. Fuck this sick group of psychopaths. I didn't do a fucking thing and, they have been allowed to torture menti death. Even better for me, my own fucking family helped them 

Just know, if you are being gaslit, they will kill you. They will drug you, kidnap you, rape you, admit that if you can't remember what has been done to you, it has happened before. If you try to get help they will whisper to everyone you need help from. There will never be anything you can do to get them to stop. I stopped using and, that is when they started the attack that left me raped with no memory. Told I was held captive and, who knows after that. People may have "rescued" me. My brother may have tried to report me missing. Whi fucking knows. They tell me these things then, tell me none of it was true so I don't care anymore. It's not like I could get help, even for being raped. They have said that I was raped by someone with HIV and, then they apparently drug me, my brother and, John, all the time. Drug me and, people have sex with me. I have heard most of the time I am unconscious and, once I heard my mom say that is why my brother didn't need money from her after all! They are sick as fuck and, with nobody to ask what is real, I am done living. I just don't care anymore.

To blame me for things that I haven't done or said is beyond disgusting. For John, who proclaimed I was the love of his life, to tell me "if help you if I could, darlin but, I don't know what is going on with you!" This is disgusting. Since nobody can do a God damn thing but, blame me and, poison me and, fuck with my head I don't want to live anymore. I can't even understand why I should try to live anymore.

I feel so stupid. They don't stop. Everyone fucking hates me. I have lost the ability to care about pretty much anyone and, anything. If I care, they do everything they can using who or, what I care about. This morning is proof of that! I guess in five plus years nobody could do anything but, lie to me in person. Do you know how fucking confusing that alone is? Even my own mother tells me she can't help me, that she doesn't know anything then, like so many others, proves she does. It is clear that there is nobody I can trust. Nobody that is going to tell me the truth in person and, with nobody to ask for help, I never stood a fucking chance.

For that fucking hag to use my voice to tell my daughter to kill herself is beyond the sickest thing I have ever heard of. I am done with life I will never be hurt again. I will never believe in anyone again. In fact, I hate people so much that I am ready to fucking die. 

I at least tried to believe people. Tried to understand and, ask if something I heard was something they said, I don't get that benefit so, neither do they anymore. I don't want to survive. I don't want to have people hear me or, in my life. Since I have been told they used my pets to sexually abuse me, I don't want anything alive hear me.

My own God damn family is aware of what they have done to me and, they did nothing to help me.

I am ready to die so, fuck you and, your fucking bullshit threats. You want to believe that I said whatever bullshit you heard and, kill me for it? You are only doing me a fucking favor! I am all for it. I didn't say or, do anything but, I am happy you all believe that I did! Maybe I can finally be rid of this hell that life hasbturned out to be. PLEASE FOE THE LIVE OF EVERYTHING, KILL ME! I AM READY!

Why would I call the police stupid cunt? They never did anything to help me before, what's gonna be different this time? I don't care about any of you or, your threats. I want to die. There is nothing Olin this world that is going to make life better. I just don't give a shit anymore. Please, kill me. I lost everyone I loved. I lost all happiness and, my life is consumed with fear. Fear of being happy. Fear of believing in others. Fear of my own family killing me. Fear of love. Fear of being alive. Just like they wanted. Believe me when I say, I do not care, I haven't die. I can't handle the abuse anymore. I am ready 

Go ahead, tell me how I am going to be arrested. I don't care. I am told how every person I was stupid enough to trust raped me or, tried to kill me or, hurt me in some way or, another. I just don't care anymore.

After hearing people threaten my life, again. I hear someone say "that's for telling my son to kill himself!" Who's your son? John? He is the only person I have ever said that to. Let's be logical, how did I tell him to kill himself? Let me guess. Only, again, I don't know how to do this or, why I would tell someone to kill themselves. Why would I tell someone that I have zero issues with ti kill themselves? How does that make any sense. Oh well, it no longer matters to me! As long as I die like so many people want so badly!