What Do I Do Now?

I can't even pause and, try to comprehend anything I am hearing. Somehow, it's an admission of something.

Instead of helping someone who has been through something so traumatic, they prove how horrifying they really are! It is strange to not ever be able to say anything so perfectly that someone, somewhere doesn't hate me for it. 

I am so depressed and, unsure if what I have done to make so many people hate me that, I am ready to give up my life. I have tried so hard to not be depressed. Tried to be there for everyone who said they needed me, including my children but, I can't seem to do anything good enough.

They have made it very clear that my feelings do not matter. Theirs matter, mine do not.

I have tried to believe that things can get better. Tried to understand what was real and, what was nothing more than other people pushing things into my head. I thought I knew who I was and, tried to hold on to who I am. Tried to remember where my heart is, where my head is, where my family is. 

I am not allowed to think about anyone. If I have something in common with someone and, they flutter across my mind, PROBLEM. I didn't know that was a problem. I believed it was a nice thing to remember people. It was a nice thing to be considerate of others feelings and, I tried to make sure that I wasn't hurting anyone. Somehow, I hurt everyone. I wasn't so worried that I couldn't stand up for someone, including myself. I believed, except in one or, two situations, that I knew what I wanted and, what was best for me and, my family. In those cases, like probably anyone in this situation, I became nervous and, hesitant. Unsure if what I was being told to do it, feel and, how I actually felt. 

Without help and, not sure of what has happened to me, some things became very difficult. My heart and, my head sometimes couldn't agree and, I became afraid. I guess it is hard to understand.

I love someone very, very much. Someone in addition to my children and, family. I thought that was something that was acceptable in human life. I tried to be respectful of who they are, the things that he asked for. Things that he needed in order to remain someone who cared about me. 

I am not sure how to do everything perfectly. How to understand that my head says something sometimes and, my heart feels the way it does. I am told that someone is better for me yet, I am also told that person hurt me. I am unclear if the older person hurt me and, in fact the older person is the one that pointed out how much I love the younger person. It made me believe that the one my heart believed was the one was the right choice. Now, I can't believe anything.

What do you do when you can't believe in yourself? When you are so afraid that someone might have hurt you and, you can't remember that you are paralyzed?

I have become so depressed that I can't handle being awake. The solution, fuck with me while I sleep so that my dreams are so disorienting and, sometimes sickening that, I can't sleep either. So, now I am trapped. No sleep, forced to listen to what is being said about me and, people I love. Nothing is ever allowed to be positive for long. I am not allowed to believe in myself. I know that I am confused and, probably at times over thinking things. 

I am so afraid to make the wrong choice where people are concerned that, I can't seem to do anything. 

I have been placed in a position where, I needed help and, I needed it in person. Yet, I am so afraid to be around people because, everyone has been blamed for something and, since I can't remember if they hurt me or, not, I am stuck.

I am so very, very sorry that I wasn't able to hold on to the few things I believed were real. 

I am now keenly aware that it is not ok to be the person I was and, it is not ok to be the person their hate has made me. It is not ok for me to help eve in myself. Any friends or, family I believed I had left for whatever reason believe that I haven't done enough to make this stop or, they believe that I have done something against them. I don't have the ability to understand life anymore.

I am so hurt and, so afraid. The people I was closest to don't believe me. Nobody will believe me 

Now that my own children are telling me to kill myself, why shouldn't I? 

My life isn't worth anything anymore. They fuck with my head so badly that I don't want to live. 

My dreams when I am sleeping are so manipulated and, at times terrifying that I am afraid to sleep. Yet, I am punished for doing what I can to stay awake. My own family lies to me and, then they tell me I am the liar. 

I am so afraid to even think bk. I am not allowed to think anything negative. If I do then that is how I brought this in myself.

I tried to tell people what is being done to me and, they tell me that I wanted them to do this to me and, that is why I spoke up. I can't survive this. I don't want to survive this anymore. My own family has been able to talk to me and, yet blame me and, I can't anymore 

I tried to do what they demanded. I tried and, then they start fucking with my head while I am asleep. There is nothing I can do except die! I can't take anymore abuse. I can't take anymore pain. I can't take anymore manipulation. I simply have no choice but, to die. 

My own family would rather watch me become so hurt and, abused that I have to die rather than believe in me. 

Why couldn't I just be allowed to heal? What did I do that was so bad I had to be murdered? I am sorry that I was ever born. It is clear that I am a worthless cunt. Fine with me. What would it matter now? I am sorry that I was ever born.  Very, very sorry that my mother didn't abirt me.

It is obvious that I am not ever going to be something that isn't used to make some kind of point

I am sorry I ever believed I was a person. Sorry I ever loved myself. Sorry I was able to survive because, people that helped me have suffered greatly 

I am sorry I have been so easy to manipulate. Sorry that people can't tell the truth. This thing here tikd the truth. This thing here can not handle the manipulation anymore. 

I AM VEING SO BADLY HIRT FIR THINGS I DIDNT EVEN DO! PEOPLE ARE MANIPULATING ME AND, HURTING ME I. ITSER TO MAKE ME APPEAR HOW THEY WANT ME TO LOOK! 

THEY CINSTANTLY TELL ME THEY ARE GOING TO PUT ME UN OTUSON AND, I DONT UNDERSTAND WHT IT IS OK YO HURT ME AND, MANIPULATE ME OR, ANYONE ELSE THE WAY THAT THEY HAVE.

I TOLD THE MOTHER FUCKING TRUTH AND, THERE IS NOTHING MIRE I CAN SAY IR, DI. WHY DID MY OWN FAMILY GARE NE SO MUCH? 

WHAT DID I DO?

I AM SORRY THAT I WAS TIRTURED. U AM SIRRT RHAT I CAN NIT REMEMBER WHAT HAS HAOOENED YO ME. I AM SIRRY I CANT REMEMBER THE OEIPLE THEY SAY I HAVE RECENTKY MET! I AM SORRY THAT JIHN XAME GERE AND, TESTED ME YO OROVE THAT I VANT REMEMBER. I AM SORRY THAT EVEN MY IWN MITHER REFUSED TI HELP ME. SHE DIDNT EVEN VELUEVE ME. SHE KNOWS I TOLD THE TRUTH. LIKE MIST PEOPLE, SHE SAID SHE DIDNT FUCKING CARE. 

WHY DID SO MANY PEOPLE HATE ME? WHAT DID I DO? WHY DIDNT ANYONE TALK TO ME IN PERSON? IT WAS YHE I KY CHANCE I HAD AND, I AM SORRY THAT I COUKD Y TRACK OEOPLE DOWN KIKE A GOR DAMN TUCKING BLOOD HOUND 

MY IWN FAMILY HATES ME AND, YHERE IS NO WAY FOR ME TO SURVIVE. I AM SO HURT THAT I JUST YIVE UP. I HAVE TRIED TO BE AS NICE AS I CAN AND, I JUST GIVE UP. HOW COUKD MY OWN FAMILY DO SOMETHING LIKE YHIS TO ME? 

YHEY TRLL ME U HAVE YO VE JOCE TO MY BROTHER, THE INE I KIVE WITH. FINE, I HAVE BEEN TRYING MY BEST TO EO EVERYTHING I CAN FOR HIM. TRYING TO BE WHI THEY DEMAND DESOITE THE FACT THAT HE ROOFIED ME AND, KET OEOPLE UNTI THIS AOARTMENT TI HURT NE.  

I CANT TAKE ANYMORE. YHEY SOREAD VICUOUS KIES ABOUT NE AND, BEING OUTSIDE IS JUST AS TERRIFYING.  

I AM SORRY THAT I HAVE TO GIVE UP.

I WISH I COULD REMEMBER YHE YHINGS THEY RELL ME YHAT WERE DINE TO ME AND, THEY SAY I DID TO MY DAUGHTER.

WHAT I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT IS I DIDNT HAVE TO DIE. THEY DIDNT HAVE TI USE OEOPLE YO HURT ME SO BADKY I VANT SURVIVE. THEY VAN KISS MY ASS 

I AM DICK IF VEGGING FIR HELP AND, BEING AFRAID OF EVERYONE. I AM SICK IF FEELING GUILTY GOR YHINGS THAT I DIDNT FUCKING DO. I AM SICK IF BELIEVING ANYTHING IS GOING TO GET BETTER. INDTEAD OF HELPING ME IR, BELUEVING ME, MY OWN FAMILY IS HELPING SET ME UP. MY OWN FAMILY BELUEVES THAT I AM A LIAR.

WHEN DID IT BECOME ON FIR PEOPLE WHI SAY THEY LOVE YOU TO DO EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO TRY TO OROVE YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE YOU SAY YOU ARE? THEY GAVE MANIPULATED ME SO BADLY THAT I CAN BARELY BREATHE AT TIMES. I TRIED TO SHOW JOHN IN THE BEST LUGHT OISSIBLE FOR A VERY, VERY LONG TIME. THE MANIPULATION AND, LIES U GET FROM HIM US SO OVERWHELMING THAT I CANT FIND ANYTHING ANYMORE 

I KOVED GIM AND, I DEFENDED HIM. I YOLD HIM EVERYTHING I WAS BEING TOLD. EVEN AFTER FINDING IUT ABOUT SOME IF THE PEOPLE DOING THIS AND, YHE THINGS I HAVE BEEN TOLD. I STILL GELIEVED IN JOHN FIR AS LONG AS I COULD. IT WASNT UNTIL AFTER GE CAME VACK FRIM PRISON IN AUGUST 2022 THAT I STARTRD YO WUESTION SOME THINGS.. YET, I STILL KIVED AND, DEFENDED HIM. I RARELY BELUEVED ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT HIM. OEOPLE TRIED TI TELL ME THAT JOHN WAS BAD NEWS, A LOT IF OEOPLE. I LOVED GIM AND, I BELIEVED IN HIM. 

EVEN THOUGH A LOT OF OEOPLE DONT BELUEVE ME. IT IS THE TRUTH. I TRIED TO DO EVERYTHING I COULD AND, NOW I AM IN A OOSITION WHERE HE KIES TO ME ABOUT THINGS I KNOW ARE NOT YHE WAY HE SAYS THEY ARE YET, I AM PUNISHED FOR SPEAKING UP.

They use different voices and, each other's voices and, names. Then, when I find out it is someone that I do not want to talk to or, be with in any way, I stop talking. Even my daughter has said that person hurt me and, tried to hurt her! I have been scolded severely for saying that person raped me. I believe he did though and, he has admitted as much!

His family has power though so, I am screwed. 

The worst part is before John came back from prison, again in August 2022 and, he swears not a moment sooner. He swears that he was never given any type of treatment that allowed him to breathe free air before his release date in August 2022, things were dying down. Once he came back though, all shit hit the fan.

I didn't know I was missing MONTHS of time. I thought a few hours at the most. I DIDNT EVEN KNOW I WAS RAPED! Simeone began telling me. Obsessively telling me. I would cry and, beg them to stop. Beg them to just leave me alone. A while ago, even though I didn't believe them, I was told it was John that was the one who hurt me so badly by telling me I was raped! Strange, he didn't seem to give a fuck when he proudly announced that he tested me every way possible and, I don't remember anything!

I know people heard him announce that! I know people are aware that I don't remember anything and, that the only things I know are what I have been told. I rarely believe the person they say do this or, did that. It is difficult to understand just how anyone can do such horrific things to someone, let alone an entire group of people. People I considered friends. People who are my family. So, I took it all with a grain of salt and, tried like hell to understand what my own body was telling me about people. 

That is probably why they have been in an all out assault to make me believe that I can not trust myself or, my own instincts. They have hurt me badly and, when I believe in myself they ask me how I am hurt? I "must not be hurt enough because, I still believe in myself!" 

What concerns me is, I think someone else has been hurt the same ways that I have been. I think that people may not have believed him because he was "gaslit" and, still believed in himself. I am not sure why people didn't believe he was being hurt. I did. I believed he was hurt for as long as they have hurt me. Which, would make it his entire life! I am told he exhibits symptoms that are, in a lot of cases, similar to mine. Since I have not been around thi person in many, many years, I am unable to verify this. 

What I do know is they have admitted to planning to do this for many, many years. This would mean that they would have had to plan for each person's reaction and, response. Which, would mean that most of the people I hear are, in fact victims, like they also have admitted. 

I was the first woman that the person that is now being blamed ever kissed. An innocent, sweet kiss, on the cheek that, was nothing more than an innocent sweet kiss. Something to hat person has held into and, something that as adults does mean something. It however, was the only physical interaction that was ever between us. If there was something more, I am unaware of it. I have little to no idea what was done to me during the times that I have no memory of. 

I know I was hurt and, hurt badly and, I don't know who did what. One minute I am told that one person saved me. The same person that was supposed to kill me. That I was rescued from the man that kissed me in the cheek as a child. Then, told I was rescued from others and, not him. I am told a lot of things and, I needed help so badly. 

Instead, they have used me to allow so many people who have done something terrible to get away with it all. 

I have to question, more than I have ever questioned anything in my life, why John would lie to me and, pretend for our entire relationship that he can't hear any of these people. 

Why did John pretend that the memories he shared with me about his past were his when they were not his? 

I believed I knew a lot about John based on interactions with someone I could hear. Someone who was angry that I "knew more." Now though, I have been told that she was being used. That she was forced to be a part of all of this by someone who has also admitted that! 

I do not know what to believe. What I know for sure is JIHN BUTTERFIELD had hurt me badly. He has come here and, picked fights with me, lied to me. He makes me apologize for arguments he starts. If I kick him out, I get punished. If I don't take him back, I get punished. They use my daughter and, her love for the man she knows as her daddy to hurt me as well.

John would lie to me about events that I was a part of and, if I spoke up he would tell me I am crazy. Then I would hear his mother scream "that's what it feels like to be gaslit in person!" As if I came up with the name of what they call what they are doing to me. 

Without help and, support, someone to turn to with questions and, to trust, I have been left to be so badly abused that I no longer am able to survive. 

I no longer know what to believe. 

I no longer want to remain alive in a world where I can't get anyone to talk to me. People get threatened and, hurt if they stand up. We are easy to pick off standing alone. 

I don't see how any of this is funny. Not one but if it is funny to me. Large chunks of time are gone. I get told what happened and, sometimes who did what but, then they change who did what.

I thought I could trust myself and, they have proven that that trusting myself is a bad thing. I am so hurt and, so afraid of life that I am giving up 

The abuse never stops. Even when I am asleep they abused the ever living hell out of me. 

It isn't ok to be myself. I buy my clothes at bargain bin, and, they constantly make fun of me even for something as stupid as that. 

I wasn't the problem. I tried like hell to confirm to their demands. I am sorry that it was so easy to manipulate me and, hurt me. 

I am sorry that their mind control tactics, the ones they bragged about years ago, along with the LSD they say they slipped into the drink and, food at our home in Carson City, NV didn't make me think they way they demand. It did however make me terrified of remaining alive. I am sorry that I do not want to share every thought of my children with people who openly admit to wanting me to die. 

I am sorry that Angela Tracjveski felt that her place in this world was in question because I remained alive. The existence of a stranger caused someone to hate and, question their own life so much that I have to die in order for her to be happy. I hear her laughing about all of this often. Yet, I am seen as the problem by so many and, all I did was survive. I didn't hurt anyone. I don't do anything except tell people what is being done to me. Which I am also punished for.

I was told it was ok to fight quietly. I am not an overly quiet person. 

I am sorry that I am told I am difficult to talk to in person. I am not but, anything that has ever been said about Angela Tracjveski, the only Angela I have ever blamed, they have been trying like hell to prove us me and, not her. Why? She has admitted to doing this to so many people using my name and, voice that is probably why. We are nothing alike and, I am so tired of being hurt that I am giving up now