Tracy Butterfield Killed Me

Nobody believes me and, I don't believe anyone cares. I can't care anymore. Each time I care I only get hurt worse and, I will never be hurt again.

Nobody could talk to me. My own family didn't believe me and, ultimately helped kill me. It is beyond obvious that I have told the truth but, who cares. Can't even count in the voice I hear being used by its owner. There is nothing left in life that matters. Everyone hates me and, that has been proven today and yesterday. Fine with me. There is no longer a reason to have hope. There is no reason to want t survive.

I will never get my kids back

. I am told I will never see them again and, that is probably true. 

My own mother didn't believe me. I am uncertain if anyone truly believed me. It doesn't matter now. I have to give up. I do not want to be forced to relive all of these things and, relive all of the people that I thought believed me. I don't want to think about people I thought loved me that didn't. I did Qnothing to these people or, any child yet, I die anyways. Fine with me.

I am sick of hearing "you can do better" so u u manipulate l because you think someone can do better? Shouldn't that have been my decision? Nope, I guess not. It was better for so many people to lie to me in person and, leave me with only these "voices" to talk to. No way to know what is real. No way left to believe that anyone is who they say they are. Why would I t matter anyways?

August 2021, while John was away in prison. Unspeakable things I am told were done to me. I have given up trying. No memory and, all they did was continue to torture me, keep me confused and, drug me more times! 

I went to John, he just made fun of me. I went to my mom, she told me if I believed people were hurting me I needed to check myself in. I went to people I trusted and, heard them being threatened.

Nobody could do much to help me. People said they were trying but, people said they loved me too. Now, I have no reason for hope. No reason to believe that anyone believes anything I say.

I have lost too many people I cared about. Lost people I truly believed loved me. Lost my children only to listen to them crying because they believed someone loved something like me too.

I don't know why anyone is here. Why the fuck do you keep asking that? They are driving me insane and, I have no choice but to give up. My family participated in torturing me to death. I can't handle any more I can't trust myself or, anyone else. Nobody believes me. I am done trying.

I can't let anyone in. They will just hurt me. They won't stop fucking with my head and, I no longer believe anything I hear. I don't even believe half the people they claim to be are who they are. After all this time why would only one person be allowed to be real? Why just that one person? Someone I am told rescued me and, told that he beat me severely while taping me. Someone I am told loved me and, hated me. There is no way for me to know and, I no k never care. Why would it matter? Why would any of this matter to anyone? It has any survivable alone and, I am alone now. I give up.

Not only did they prove that the two people I trusted more than anyone else didn't care. Probably never cared but, with them they took the last bit of me that can trust anyone. It is obvious that nobody can live me. Nobody can even care about anything to do with me. All people will ever do is lie to me and, hurt me I am tired of feeling like if I am around anyone there is a problem. People who helped me lost too much. People who loved me lost too much. If I am not here anymore then, nobody else can be hurt. If I am gone they can't blame me anymore. I am sorry that I needed more than voices in the air could give me. I am grateful to Mike and, Candy for them letting me be around them, even though because of me they lost more than anyone I know. Because they were kind to me, they were hurt.

I feel so guilty for things like "I am going to hurt your brother because I know it will hurt you!" But, because I am on drugs, nobody could stop people from being murdered and, that is my fault.

"Do you even care?!" I cared too much. I cared about too many people. I am sorry that I no longer can care. Caring only causes more pain. 

Thank you for hurting me using the same words that they all used from the beginning. How fucking dumb of me to have believed people were being set up. I was wrong about everything and, they were right about everything.

Fuck this life. Why would anyone believe me? Why would anyone be who they said they were? Why would anyone feel the way they said they did? 

Even my mom lied to me. What does that say about the kind of person I must be? I am glad it's over now.