Too Many Things

I am sorry for a lot of things that I have done. Allot of things I didn't think about and, I am not really sure why I didn't. There are so many questions that I have and, I have to deal with all of this the best I can. I wish I could change a lot of decisions I made and, there isn't much I can do now. 

I am not sure why any of this would suddenly come into my head, especially when I am in love with someone and, he is a good man. Just things that make no sense. 

I don't know why things are the way they are. I can't understand all the lies and, the deception from people in should have been able to count on, people who I shouldn't have ever let into my life or, my children's lives. I wish I could erase the pain my kids have gone through. I would give anything to have the opportunity that John has had this last week. To have spent all this time with both of my children would have been the biggest blessing on earth. To have been able to spend the time with one of them, how could it be something that is only a dream? 

All these accusations and, all the things that may or, may not have been done to me, all the things my children have been put through, how can anyone do anything like what they have claimed?: They accuse me of harming my children but, the second they don't get their way, they threaten to torture my daughter. They don't say much about my son, at least not to me. They told me to "keep him imoff her radar!" I thought by not talking about them, I was keeping them safer, especially my son. Stupid. So many things make zero sense and, now that I am not going to be able to be with them and, they more than likely won't want to be with me, I feel so broken. I know this was part of their plan, one of the things they told me would happen that I didn't think could actually happen. 

I thought these people could be stopped and, that my kids would understand that the only way I could keep them safe for the rest of their lives was to make sure they stopped. To make sure that their futures were theirs. Their choices and, dreams for their lives were theirs.  I should have kept my head down and, done what they wanted instead. I shouldn't have fought back at all. It was wrong to try to stand up. I thought it was just someone who was mad and, jealous. I feel stupid now. This group of people, I had no idea the scope of what I was facing. No idea who or, what I was fighting. I didn't do the right thing. I regret even trying to fight for what I believed. That is my biggest regret. I thought she would have given up. Just a bully who found a way that made it harder to fight back. Never in a million years would I have believed all their threats were things that they were able to do!

I thought I was a good person and, a good mom.  I tried to raise them with the ideals that I believed were important. Things that I wish I had known or, things I wish I had when I was younger. Not items but, ways I wish I had felt better about who I was. Ways that helped me feel like it was ok to be who I was and, that I had the strength inside of me and, that I could make my life what I wanted. It took me a very long time to believe in myself. I always felt ugly. Primarily because of the side effects of PCOS but, firnanling time I let that control how I felt about myself, my abilities, how people saw me and, how I saw them.

When I had my son I wanted him to know it was ok to be confident. It took a while and, learning how to think about myself very differently but, I had become a woman that I was happy to be. I felt confident. I didn't hear myself up for mistakes, I tried to teach both of my kids that mistakes were ok, it's ok to fall. I would let them know when I made mistakes so they could see that I was still their mom and, things could still be ok. It didn't have to define who you are, just learn and, move forward.

I learned that how people saw me, their perception of who I am, it didn't really have to be how I saw myself. I wasn't beautiful. I wasn't thin. I was happy. Confident. A hard worker. Compassionate. I had no idea of things that were happening in the background of my life. My focus was making sure that my kids knew they were safe and, loved. They were happy, confident, loving, smart children. They put their best efforts into things they did and, I couldn't have asked for anything more from them. I thought I was the luckiest mom ever, they were so good and, there were never issues that made them seem difficult. They were open and, honest about things. Willing to talk to me and, be open about any issues, even if they were the issue. By that I mean, problems in school or, interactions with other kids. My son would come to me if he felt like he wasn't fitting in or, had self esteem issues. They have seven years between them and, my daughter was just learning to come to me. For a while after this started, she came to me more than he did. She was so sad, the things they would say to her I am not sure she understood completely. She understood they weren't good and, she was hurt they would use her brothers voice. She said she heard him in the heater vent. I felt so helpless. How do I help her through what I can't understand myself. It was especially difficult because, my son was taken from me before. I worked hard to prove to his dad and, his mom too, that I was responsible and, that I wouldn't fail again. When I started hearing this, they were almost gleeful to make sure I knew they were going to take my kids away, again. 

I didn't hear them before but, I remember the things that had happened when I lost custody of my son previously. Even though his dad had custody of him, they had moved to a different town, close by but, a different school. They let him stay with me so he could stay in the same school and, didn't have to change during the school year! I thought I had finally proven that there was nothing that could be done or, happen that I couldn't take care of. I am an idiot. 

Previously, the fight with my ex. The police report he swore he did not fill out and, in fact he wanted to sue the police department because of the things the report said. Things that there was no way were things he said. Things that made no sense and, some that were so false I was stunned. I should have encouraged him to do what he wanted instead of trying to let it all go. I didn't think it was a good idea, I am an idiot. When I read the police report from when John was arrested in December 2019, I instantly realized how stupid I was to not follow up on the issues from the report either my ex.

I had no clue that people were doing this. No idea people could see me or, hear me. I thought it was normal to hear words in car engines, I wrote it off as people nearby that I couldn't see. Voices that randomly were around, just bouncing off of the valley walls. It seemed normal. Things that didn't seem normal, I had completely forgotten about most of them until this started. Things still didn't seem all that strange to me. Just something that was happening. They said they played subliminal messages for six months so I wouldn't "freak out" when I started hearing them.

I still don't know the actual reason they did this to me again and, why they wanted me to hear them. I was too cocky for someone so fat, John didn't deserve to be so happy, Angela wanted her man back, I am supposed to take the fall for all their crimes. They said later it was about my kids but, it was not. They have done this and, started long before had children and, it was almost completely about ripping me apart and, John going back to his ex, Angela. The whole thing was hurtful and, demoralizing. She was and, still is, incredibly cruel. Abusive and, nothing is her fault. She has managed to find ways to blame everyone else. Mostly things were John's families fault because, they did this to her and, she wanted to prove she wasn't the way he saw her and, I made her question her place in the world l. She said that people thought about me more than they thought about her and, everything about me just rubbed her the wrong way. I thought it was just her. Even when two other people said their names I didn't believe them. One was a trusted family friend and, the other someone I hadn't seen in a long, long time. After a while, they used my cousins name and, the name of a friend that I knew Angela had. She had no problem outing John's parents but,  rarely used anyone else's name except my cousins and, the friend she said she dated for 14 years before he married someone else. 

I didn't think things would end up the way they have. I thought she was just a pain in the ass that would eventually stop. She was happy to take this sudden opportunity, the opportunity to torture someone she hated that just fell into her lap. I would feel bad for her and, sometimes I do since clearly there were many "Angela's" but, I don't feel as bad as some people believe I should. John and, his mom swear she would never do something like this but, I don't believe that. They have sort of thrown me to fend for myself and, it sucks because I end up believing things that I find out later were lies or, I trust the wrong person and, I have been hurt much worse than I would have if they had been there for me. Instead, they have done everything under the sun to prove that "Angela didnt so this alone!" Duh

I would never have believed that there was a huge plan, at the time it was something they had planned for over 15 years, to force me to take the blame. A pretty good plan as it turns out.

I didn't know John until around April 2019. I had never heard his name or, Angela's, I had no idea that they knew me. There are so many things that John told me that we're not him. The man I fell in love with wasn't John. His memories and, almost everything about him were about others. I am not sure I know him at all and, I have heard that I don't know anything about his family either!

I have been hurt badly and, a lot of the things that they have punished me for are things that either "Angela" said while using my voice or, things that happened that were part of their plan. Remove someones free will then, punish them for whatever they did!

For a while, things weren't as horrible as they are now. I liked some of them. They were funny, strange at times but, not really mean. Only once in a while they were shitty. I wasn't allowed to eat dinner with my family. I was too fat and, they constantly badgered me about how many calories I was eating and, when they got mean, it was instantly personal. "Look in the mirror so I can tell you all the ways Angela is better than you!" No thank you, I would prefer not to. 

It was mostly when I took a shower, had sex with John or, if I felt too happy or, good about myself.

There were people who tried to help me. Helped me figure out that the "cameras" were holograms. Tried to help me record this but, I was so clueless about the things they were saying. I made no sense but, I tried to record them. It must have worked at some point. I know once in my phone I caught them and, I had to have caught them in the laptop. I tried to get John to help me and, he listened to some of the recordings, at least he said he did . Not long after that the laptop, I am not 100% sure, I obviously kicked it because, my foot hurt for a long time after that. 

I didn't think John could hear any of this, he said he couldn't. It was almost impossible for me to listen to the recordings, they just kept talking and, it was difficult to tell if they were recorded or, they just didn't shut the fuck up and, it was them now not recorded. I have a lot of hours recorded though. Even when I slept, I let it record. Sometimes someone would stop the recording, sometimes they wouldn't.

I tried to get my mom to help me, she didn't seem to believe this was a big deal. John definitely didn't take me seriously. He laughed at me when I told him they threatened to kill me. Got angry at me if I told him what they were saying about things they said they had done to us. They would chantb"fuck her" over and, over and, eventually when they started chanting that, John handle tell him so he could leave. He left a lot while they would tell me I had to get him to listen because, he was the only person who could make them stop.

I wish I had just given up on trying to save my family. She wanted John or, my daughter and, I told her to fuck off. I wish I had understood how bad things could get.

It is hard to fully understand some things and, it has taken a long time to sort out who some people were/are. One thing without a doubt, some people were always nice to me and, those are the same people that I have been told did seriously horrible things to me. 

I have no way of knowing what is true about the things I have been told. No way to understand if these things were actually done to me, why didn't my family help me? Why didn't anyone talk to me or, help me get help? 

For a while I felt like bait almost. Like I was being used to get these people caught. Now, I think that they are trying to show me how stupid I am. How I don't pick the right people to let into my life. How I never pick the best man to love. Now, they are the idiots. 

I have my own reasons for living who I love. I am happy and, have no regrets about the men I married and, I never will. They hold special places in my heart and, they have qualities that, while maybe others didn't understand, I did. It is my choice. My life. We made mistakes, did things wrong but, I never have felt like they were mistakes. John, who still tells me is the best of the bunch, is the only one I feel did not ever love me. The only one who I do not believe had mine or, my children's best interests at heart. So many things could have been avoided if he had told me the truth. If he had protected us instead of them. 

I have already been told, multiple times, I will never be able to find out the truth about the things that have happened. Even now they keep me confused about some things. They have made it very clear nobody will ever love me and, that they won't allow me to be happy. This, they tell me is the rest of my life. I believe them now.