This Is What I Deserve

I am sorry that I can't remember things. I know everyone believes I am a liar and, I just don't care anymore.

The whole world can believe whatever they want. I am sick of all of this. I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to fight like this for a life that will be so fucked up that I won't be able to be normal. I will be whatever is worse than a fucking science experiment.

To be told after the fact that someone cared but, that I did something to make them not care anymore, it hurts. It has happened so many times that, I am finding it difficult to continue caring. I am sick of being told that someone heard my thoughts and, that's why they hate me. Especially when they are r my thoughts. That has been the biggest reason I barely think anymore. Since there are so many people who just say whatever they believe I would think it, say, I can't get too many people to believe me. 

.

Continuing to rehash the things I do remember and, the pain and, humiliation that it causes each and, every time is so painful and, I can't handle it anymore.

I feel stupid. I feel like a fucking whore. Why would it matter what has been done? Why does it matter all the lies I have been told? Why does it matter that I have been purposely from people that might have actually helped me or, might have actually cared about me? It was better to send a man who hates me so fucking much that he wipes his nose and, puts his hand in my vagina! Someone who cheats on me every time he leaves this apartment. 

Why would it matter that the only information I get is from voices and, is usually so manipulated that I barely trust anything I hear. 

I am sorry that I have caused so many problems in so many lives. Sorry that I wanted to live when I am nothing but a waste of time. I know that these people have worked so hard to make sure I die. 

I am so pathetic, people can lie straight to my face and, there is nothing I can do. If I say or, do the wrong thing, I get punished. I am so sick of defending myself. Nobody will ever be able to understand how horrific this whole thing has been. People I love get so angry at me for not knowing something they swear they told me and, I now fully believe anyone who tries to care about me will only be hurt and, end up hating me. My own fucking family hates me so much that they lie to me too. 

I am sorry that I just can't take this anymore. Their demands for me to tell the truth when I have is too much. To them Inam just a psycho that lies about everything so much that I can hide what's in my head. NOTHING is usually in my fucking head. I have had to go in emotion alone. If I think, it's used against me. 

I don't want to believe anymore. It hurts today much. People keep walking away from me when I needed help the most. I hear it every day. I can't handle it. I am sorry that I can't be stronger than the abusers or, the abuse anymore. I am so tired of not understanding things and, I can't listen to people anymore. I am really, really sorry. I just can't do it anymore. I am so afraid of believing people care because, they just walk away anyways that I don't want anyone to care anymore.

The way this has been done, I should have realized sooner that there was no surviving.

I should have realized sooner, especially when my uncle told me that each person I said I loved was someone who raped me! I am not worth loving. I keep trying to understand what I s going on, what is being said to me but, nothing is getting better.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who I can count on. I am leaving you, no I am not, yes, I am, no, I am not. Since I can't see them and, I don't know what most people look like, I can't handle this anymore.

I am sorry. I just can't handle this anymore. Every excuse is always the same, this is my fault. They had to treat me this way. They had to teach me a lesson. 

In case this is being done to you and, you have been hearing my voice or, told my name, I am sorry. If I hadn't been born this wouldn't be happening. Something more than one person has told me. They will stop when I am gone. They said they would anyways. My life means nothing to me and, this is the only thing I can do to try to make them stop. I am sorry I didn't do this much, much sooner.

To hear people say they love me then, be told they don't anymore when I am struggling so badly and, needed help so badly, it hurts. Since they constantly tell me they hope it hurt, it's just another thing that can make them rejoice. It hurts to be told how I loved someone womho never loved me. It hurts to hear my kids tell me they don't live me or, they want me to die. In fact, everything hurts.

Every fucking day they tell me I am going to be arrested. For being their victim, just like they have said for so long. My own family helped set me up. I know now that I am so fucked that there is not linger and mother fucking point. Too many times I was afraid to do something to keep John M. Butterfield away from me. Too many times I didn't u how much he hates me. I wish I had never been born. The only thing is then my children wouldn't have been born and, they are the best thing I have ever done. I am not a child abuser or, child molester. I am just a stupid bitch who believed that her innocence mattered. 

I can't take anymore. I can't. There is no physical or, mental way possible. There is no hope left in me. No friends or, family left in my life. The things they have done to me and, I had believed so many others, so many people know what has been done and, all that happens is they mock me with it all. Half the time or, maybe more since I don't actually know what was done to me, I don't even know they are making fun of me!

From August 3, 2019 to August 25, 2019, at least this is what Tracy Butterfield has told me, I was kept drugged. I have almost no memory of any of this. I was given a drink l, by my brother that I have been staying with, that was roofied. I was told so many horrific things that apparently happened to me during this time period, with no way to get help since Tracy had also said that they will do the things that removes free will from people so nobody will believe me. From what I hear right now, that is exactly what has happened. 

My heart can't handle this. My brain can't take anymore. I am sorry that I have become the problem and, that peo?ple regret caring about me. I didn't do anything and, according to them I was simply the perfect victim. "The most abused person in the world!" 

I am too embarrassing to be seen with or, to let anyone believe someone cares about me. Too disgusting and, sur

o sick of hearing about it every single day. I wish I could have had to tellmore courage and, been able to talk to people in person. I should have tried harder. I am so sorry that I wasn't able to do what everyone believes I should have. I really did try and, I tried harder than anyone will ever be able to understand.