They Used My Kids and, My Heart

I was stupid to have believed that anyone could care about something like this!

Even though they all keep denying it, almost everyone has said at one point or another that this was done to kill me and, it worked.

There is no purpose to my life anymore. I lost both of my kids, I was a good mom and, it apparently made me more attractive.

I learned that nobody gave a fuck about any of the things that they have done to me. Then, to find out that people only cared so they could help their family members get away with everything they have done. It's all too much. I was so stupid to believe that anyone would actually see me as a person or, a woman. Instead, the last few people I thought I could count on either call me a whore behind my back or, get so angry at me for not understanding why even my daughter and her SCHOOL know how to watch me but, I still get told nobody can see me by my own mother. There is no way to be able to organize cess all of the things that they told me this morning. 

They got me good today and, I will never EVER believe in myself again. I am too stupid to know the truth from a lie. Too stupid to be able to believe that people would have children watching me be murdered. I truly believed that my mom would have told me the truth about all of this but, nope.

Love isn't something I can ever believe in again. I should have known that already. Everything I do is wrong. I could have at least talked to someone the other day but, obviously they knew he would be there and, instead I let them hurt me like always and, now I give up.

It has been made very clear that nothing I do will ever be good enough and, I can't keep trying and, failing. I am always going to fail and, I just can't take anymore. I don't even try anymore. I just lay on bed and, try to sleep.

I can't have anyone near me or, in my life ever again. They use so many voices and, the things they say, I give up. Everything is a test or, a lesson. I don't know why they constantly ask me how I think they fucking feel. I have tried like hell to understand from their point of view. Tried to give everyobe the benefit of the doubt and, all that happened is I got hurt worse. When you try to trust someone and, heat confessions in their voice and, then they sent those things, it's difficult to find even, solid ground.

I thought they were setting people up and, I believed that with everything in me. Now though, I am the sole problem and, I have lost faith that anyone can see me as anything more than the thing that must die. 

I have nobody to turn to for support or, even so much as a fucking hug. There is nothing I can do anymore. I am told the same lies and, hear confessions and, it has gone on long enough. Now, I get why nobody was allowed to be around me except two people. It is obvious that there wasn't supposed to be any support. How I could still hope that someone l, especially someone who was a better man that I could have hoped for and, they made sure that I knew that I didn't deserve someone so good. Now at least I don't have to hope. 

Everyone hates me. I am so sick of hearing about it. Sick of being told to kill myself. Every fucking day I am told to kill myself. Even my mom has told me that. They said she even had my daughter tell me to kill myself. They use her voice and, since she doesn't have a clue about anything I can't ask her. I can't ask anyone and, even though I thought there were a few people on my side, fear has taken over. 

Everything that was personal was used to hurt me so badly that being yelled at for doing drugs in front of children watching me be tortured to death was the final straw. No tolerance, no compassion. Just told that people regret telling me they love me! I have never in my life heard the kind of verbal abuse that I have heard through this and, to be blamed for it, fuck this! 

I am sorry that I was born. If I hadn't been born they wouldn't have had to do this and, I have heard that mire than once. To my face even! Every insult you can think of from how I raised my kids to how bad I am in bed. There is no reason to believe in myself. It has all taken a toll.

They use every excuse in the world to say this is my fault and, I am sick of feeling guilty for people being miserable and, being murdered. If I had just killed myself sooner they wouldn't have had to hurt anyone else. They have made it clear that this was my fault and, I am done listening to people blame me. I am sorry they used my name and, voice to do this. 

I am sorry for becoming a drug addict. I am not going to give anyone a bunch of excuses. It's my fault and, I accept I made bad choices. Ultimately, this is what finally killed me. I needed support from people I know cared about me and, I am not sure that very many people cared about me. I am sick of being told how there isn't an honest drug addict or, how I lied to my mom so she lied to me.

I am sorry that "he did" because, I love him very much. I wish things could have been different. I am sorry that I cost my daughter someone that she loved as well. It would seem that I keep costing people a lot in their lives. It hurts to know that when I needed people the most, that is when everyone left me. I can't do anything good enough. I can't do anything the right way. My heart is so broken that I just can't take anymore. "Jennifer, who loves you now?!" To hear shit like that and, then be told how so many people cared about me and, now I sit here alone, I didn't do the things they keep saying I did. I am sorry that I lost so many people. Especially sorry that this last person has been hurt by my drug addiction and, stupidity. 

I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to keep feeling like this. They have taken too much from me and, they keep setting me up. I can't survive and, have a future anyways. My life expectancy is already as low as it can be. They make fun of me but, they tortured me. Literally tortured me. Even though they don't believe that I have large gaps in my memory, I do. Those two things combined I would be lucky to last two more years, even if they got caught and, I could get help. To have a tiny bit of happiness and, actually believe things could be happy again was stupid on my part. It only made things hurt more. I should have listened to them when they told me who I was and, how people felt about me. 

I am sorry that I couldn't be stronger. I tried for a long time but, I just can't be strong enough anymore. I am sorry.