These People
There is no logic or, anything normal connected to these people. I have listened to them for over five years now and, they have done this most of my life.
Anytime they turn this down, I know everything is going to get even worse for me. There is no longer anything that I can connect to reality. Since I couldn't get anyone to talk to me, in person, openly, honestly and, treat me like a person instead of something that needed to be thrown away, my life has been destroyed.
I have no way to meet their demands. They make sure if that and, then blame me. That is, if they don't change their minds which, they do all the damn time. There is no way to save my own life without help and, the only way to save it is what nobody will ever do.
They admit to using kind control tactics. Drugging me. Raping me. Assaulting me. Hurting my children when can't be the perfect thing they demand. I can't take anymore.
I don't want to live anymore. I have been so badly abused I don't think very often. They have found a million ways to cover up all of the abuse and, it's lasting damage and, I am done with this life.
It hurts so badly to listen to all of these things they say were done to me and, have no way to be able to even know if any of it was real.
I know they roofied me, assaulted me, kidnapped me and, I remember those parts. Small clips of memory. The rest of what I hear is up in the air. I have realized that I will never know. They have done something so sick and, there isn't any part of me that is alive anymore. I am nothing more than something they are done using and, are ready to get rid of.
I did nothing to them. I am barely holding onto life and, their threats have made me realize I will never be something that matters to these people. There is no way to stop them. They have every intention of killing me and, THEY BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING THEY HAVE DONE TO ME! There is never going to be a way to get my life back.
They keep threatening to have me arrested and, one of them, I swear to God, just told me that they are well within their rights to torture me! Well within their rights to torture this thing who has never, ever, done anything to them.
Have me arrested. I'll just kill myself in jail. It's not like I matter in this world. They have tortured me for so long and, nobody would just talk to me. Like this is somehow my fault. I don't have to survive this and, I have lost all hope.
They use love like it still matters in life. What a fucking joke. They tell me I am throwing a temper tantrum to get what I want. Really! My life back? To me, with all of their demands that I can't meet and, all the bullshit, this is the ultimate temper tantrum. The ly remove free will, threaten you, rape you, beat you and, plenty of other things just to get their way. I am going to die and, I didn't do anything.
I am sick of trying. Sick of doing what I am told only to be told it wasn't good enough or, that it wasn't what they wanted. I can't handle anymore. They have left me with absolutely nobody that I can trust. Nobody I can ask questions. Nobody that I can go to for support. They used therapists during all of this so, fuck trusting a therapist. In fact, they have used everyone so, there is nothing I can do. I can't even trust my own mother.
Their plan worked perfectly. There is no longer any joy in life. Everything that brought happiness, they used to hurt me. Now, it only brings fear and, sadness. My fault though. At least that is what I am told.
I am so fucking sick of helping others. Why should I do anything nice for John Butterfield when all he does is abuse the fuck out of me? Pick fights and, pretend that it is all me. Tell me he doesn't know anyone or, anything and, can't help me. Try to convince me that I am mentally ill and, that nobody is hurting me. That it's all in my head. That is how he "helped" me get through all of this. Give me one reason why the fuck i should help him? I am tired of helping him while his mother tortured the shit out of me. OH, BECAUSE THEY WILL HURT MY CHILDREN?! THAT IS THE ONLY REASON. THEY ARE KILLING ME BUT, THEY WILL HURT MY KIDS UNLESS I EO FOR THEM! Hopefully, I'll be dead before they get here. That way they can't blame me or, hurt my kids anymore.
I am told he is the one that, 11 months later, told me I was raped. Since I can't see anyone, I have no way of knowing. When he got back from "prison" I tried to tell him what I was told. He just looked at me and, smirked and, said "if that really happened!" Then has spent all this time for proving that he does know. In fact, he knows EVERYTHING and, lies to me and, fucked with my head so badly that I can't believe anything he says anymore. How can he tell me I am crazy or, that I AM GASLIGHTING him when he is trying to convince me that I remember everything wrong. He tries to convince me that something he just said, is something I said. That something I just watched him do, he didn't do at all. He tries to convince me that he can't hear any of these people and, doesn't know any of them but, he talks out loud to them. I have asked him who lives upstairs, since he goes on the balcony and, talks to them. He swears he doesn't know anyone. He swears he doesn't have a clue about anything then, proves he does. Since he doesn't get loud when he does it, I start to go insane. Then, he says I started the fight and, makes me apologize for it!
The worst part is I am almost 100,% sure that they have used remote hypnotism on me. My uncle even said something about it once, so have a few other people. John sometimes says words or, quick phrases that instantly make my reaction worse. I can feel the change in me. I know others were also talking about it but, once it became clear that I still had to die, they stopped. He even tried to convince my daughter to say these things to me! He thinks it is hysterical.
I hear him the way I hear everyone else. He thinks it is funny that he can lie to me and, keep getting away with it. If I ask him about anything I hear he starts belittling me. Asking me if I heard it from my psychic friends network. Telling me I belong in a padded room. That my name is Looney Bin Jen! He has done so many things that have hurt me and, I am done helping him. I don't care what happens now. This has all taken a toll and, it is crystal clear just how few people I truly have on my side. Time proves everything though.
I told him how depressed this whole thing has made me and, he looked me dead in the eyes and, told me to just kill myself then, twice. He swears nobody is trying to kill me or, hurt me but, then tells me how he wants to put me naked or, in a diaper in a bench with a sign on my back. How I make him so angry he wants to inject me full of something that will paralyze me and, then watch someone beat the shit out of me while he watches and, waves at me. He told me how I love two dicks in my ass. How he had a "friend" and they were all sitting around "shooting the shit" or "playing cards" and, his friend told his wife to suck one of the guys dicks and, she did it! All of these things and, a lot more, they have said were done to me!
I have no way of getting help. Why they have done this to anyone is sick. The fact that they admit they have done this before, not just to me now but, to me and, to others before. It's sick. They hurt me so badly, I can't remember chunks of time. I have a few brief clips that don't fit together. I keep being told things, then told that what I was just told wasn't true. Often times by the same voice. I listen to someone say how much they live me then, the same voice says they never loved me!
"EVERY OERSON YOU MEET FROM NIW ON YOU WILL WONDER IF THEY DID THIS TO YOU!" Said by - ?. It was said it again last night when I was talking to someone.
John has gone so far just to alter what is real to me, by having someone beat him with what looked like a 2x4, then tell me I gave him the bruises. He made me feel so guilty and, ashamed of myself and, then someone admitted they did that to him and, I heard him admit that as well a few days ago!
They tell me he has never been faithful. At first I didn't believe it. After a while, it didn't matter anymore except, the complete disrespect he has for me. I will go to get the laundry and, he will have someone in here while I am in the laundry room. I am sick of all of this. He is sick as fuck. If I say anything though, I am the problem. I accuse him of things that "I must be flsoung or, I wouldn't bring it up!"
He accuses me though. All the time and, I have not had sex with anyone since he has been back. He came back August 2022. He swears that he did not get out a day before then. My life is so fucked up from all of this and, I have no idea what to believe anymore. How the fuck can he expect that I will do anything for him?
They have told me all kinds of things. Things that I can't even begin to believe yet, I am afraid they could be true! Nobody is ever going to be able to believe the things I say. I sound insane, even to myself and, everyone just tells me I am crazy.
They keep asking me how Inam confused? Are they fucking for real? How can they tell me all these terrible things then, deny them? What is real? I don't remember being raped however, people have said that they raped me. Then, they ask me "when were you raped?" What the fuck. They told me they ,,"ran a big ol train on me" and, John told me my new name was "train" or "fist pump" after these people had told me that his sister in law, among others and, I was told a few days ago that John's youngest nephew out his fist in me, as well as, his brother urinated in me and, his other nephew, 13 at the time also raped me!
I have nobody to turn to. No support other than these voices. In person, nothing. I woke up and, saw my nose was broken. I took a picture of it and, someone had to tell me that the bruising was clearly older than just a day or, two! Why didn't I realize that? I thought it was just overnight that I had blurry memories of. That bruise is older than a week!
How the fuck can they keep me in some alternate reality? Where I am told things that I can not remember? Expected to understand what is real and, what isn't. I was told they put a plastic bag on my head and, that I stopped breathing. SOMEONE SAID THEY HELD ME WHILE I WAS DYING! Then, I get told that same person raped me. Viciously raped me. They said someone "rescued me" then, someone else rescued me, then someone else rescued me. Each of those people they have also told me raped me. ATM fee times they said that 15 people a day raped me including, people with HIV! Women and, men. Then, I get told that Tracy tried to file a police report on behalf of one of those women!
I am told terrible things that have been done to my daughter as well.
One of the worst parts is, the things John says. The things he blames me for. It's like he is trying like hell to blame me for the things he has done to me! Things that make me look or, sound guilty yet, I know he is lying! Why would someone who loves me so much, like he tells me, blame me for things he knows Inam not guilty of? What kind of man does that?!
From the second I started hearing these voices, he has denied all knowledge. Long before he went to prison. Thinking back in it all, I know he is lying. It has hurt so badly to know that if he is here he is going to abuse the fuck out of me but, if I don't take him back, I get punished.
It has been so long and, I feel so lost and, alone. At times I am so confused that I can't keep my head up. I hurt people who I don't want to hurt because, I have to question everything. I am sick of hearing so many people tell me they hate me. From whR it sounds like, everyone hurt me and, I don't know why. I don't understand what I did. I have no clue what is going on. No clue why my mom and, others lie to me when I ask in person or, in a way that is normal. Why tell me you don't know what is going on if you do? I needed help so badly that I can barely stand myself.
They have done everything humanly possible to make sure I have no self esteem. None. I try really hard to believe that I am still a person. It is a difficult situation when everyone knows everything in my head. I have to try and, if I show self esteem, I get beat down badly. I am told in detail how worthless I am. Told in detail how ugly I am. Almost everyone avoids me in person and, the few that don't get punished as well. I feel guilty for what others are going through because, they blame me for everything. If I "hadn't been born then, they wouldn't have had to do this!"
I am left worried and, wondering what the fuck is going on all the time. To know that they are blaming me for things I have never done and, things they have done and, feel so isolated and, alone, how does anyone survive. Especially when they tell me to kill myself everyday. They are as vicious and, evil as human beings can be. Then, they try to convince me they are "abusing me for my own good!" How is telling me to kill myself for my own good? They are by far the most terrifying people I have ever been forced to interact with!
If there hasn't been kind voices at times when I wanted to die the most, I would be dead. That was the goal. For me to die. They were pretty clear.
They talked about MK Ultra and, how they used mind control tactics on me. How they used MK Ultra machines. Angela Tracjveski said she had a "mosquito repellent" thing and, that is why nobody played at the park that is close to her home. She said it bothered her to hear the kids because she didn't have kids. That is how sick this whole thing is, a crowd control unit because, you didn't want to hear kids.
They have hit me in the back if the head and, they jit my dog a lot, once they missed and, hit my leg so I know it is the same thing, with an air powered weapon of some kind. I had my elbow on a table and, my hand under my chin and, my face hit the table! That is how hard it hit me! It sounded like my teeth clicked together but, since my hand was under my chin with my elbow on the table that would be impossible.
They talked about voice to skull and, they said that they removed the ability to use that one me. That was a few months into this thing they call a "gaslighting!"
They have hurt my children. Badly. They have hurt others just as badly and, worse than they have hurt me. How can they keep getting away with all of this? It has been done to me, the earliest age I he,ard was 8. Others it has been their entire life. What the fuck is going on? They continue to brag that they will never be caught.
My life has very little that I can count on. Memories. People. The things they have lied to me about and, the people that have walked out of my life. It's sick.
The games they keep playing with my fucking head, this is the end. I can't handle any more. I simply can't. Reality for me is so fucked. To listen to people tell me to drop the act, what the fuck is going on? I am so sick of asking that question while they pretend to be each other. Why wouldn't anyone fucking help me?
I am done begging for help. I am done taking the blame for all of these things. I am done being lied to and, lied about. I CAN NIT SURVIVE THIS AND, I NO LONGER WANT TO. FUCK THIS LIFE. NOTHING IS FUCKING WORTH THIS. YOU ALL CAN GO TO HELL