THEIR ADMISSIONS

Tracy has admitted to setting me up. She has admitted to fucking with other families. Either that or, my uncle used her voice to make these admissions. I have no way to know and, I do not trust my Uncle Tom or, many other people. 

I am sorry that so many people have been hurt. "If you had just killed yourself sooner, I wouldn't have had to hurt other people. Everyone will blame you for not dying sooner! It isn't what I am doing to you that is the problem, it is how you are reacting!" Tracy told me this things and, it would seem that she was telling the truth.

So, I will happily give up my life to ensure that my children are able to live a life where these people do not fuck with them. I will happily take the blame for things that I do not know how to fucking do. Since they plan on blaming me for everything, even though I do not know what the fuck is going on or, how to do this, that means they have to stop.

I will happily take the blame to make them stop. Can't blame me and, keep doing this to everyone if I am dead.

I don't want to live a life where I am not allowed to love who I want. Where I am manipulated into choosing someone who is "better" for me. I don't want to live a life where I am trapped with someone I do not love. A life where I am not happy.

I have never, ever felt so able to be myself. Never felt like it was so easy to talk to someone. So easy to open up and, laugh. So easy to let my guard down. So easy to feel love. I wish I had been able to be around that person. Instead, even though I believe it is this person, I am not allowed to fully believe. I am not allowed to love that person. I simply get told I have to choose between him and, my children. I am not allowed to have confidence, especially confidence in who I am talking to but, when it is time to prove what they have done to me, suddenly I know everything. 

I am sorry. I can't take any more. To believe I live one person and, find out it is someone else, it is so disorienting. I had to accept I lost ved two different people and, that I do not know enough to be able to choose one over the other m I hear to many bad things about them and, I needed to know them long n person. To be around them in person. This way it was too easy to confuse me about some things. If I have been around them in person, I do apologize. Each time I pick one, I feel so much guilt. One talks shit about the other and, I pick the non shit talker. My head has been so fucked with and, I feel so guilty that I have no choice now.

I don't know either of them in person and, it would seem, it sounds this way at least, anyone who picks me has only done so to get me to get them out of trouble. I question why iniver five years ONLY ONE OERSON WAS ALLOWED TO BE REAL. Only one person out of a sea of people was "allowed to be real." I loved him, very, very much. However, it is clear that I don't really know exactly when it was him and, when it wasn't. 

At bargain bin, to hear only small phrases or what someone was saying while someone else kept saying she can't hear you, it's too much. All I keep being told is if I pick Brandon, I will never be with my kids again. Over and, over and, over. Including at bargain bin. I don't even know what he looks like. This fact has given them ample opportunity to fuck with my head more. Same as they do with Frank. Every Hispanic male for quite a while, I was told was Brandon. Clearly they know I do not know him in person or, they wouldn't have done that to me.

John saying therapy is helping him remember things. Either he is accusing me or, his mother. He blamed his mother for everything and, said she was a psycho for a very long time. Now, I am the psycho and, I am taking the blame for everything. 

I am giving up. I can't tell people apart, I don't know people in person, I no longer believe most of the things I believed when they started doing this to me. I can't trust myself and, I am afraid of trusting anyone else now. 

My own family has helped do this all while telling me they don't know anything. I am lost. I am so afraid of people now that I can't take the dog out. I tried to prove to myself yesterday that things would be ok and, they once again proved to me that they control my life. 

I kept hearing Angela Tracjeski laughing at me and, once she started laughing and, telling me how I lost Frank for sure this time, I realized that they will control everyone and, everything. I am done trying. I will never know who all of the people who did this to me are. I will always be afraid to meet new people, unsure if they helped do this to me and, unsure how easy it will be for people to use them to hurt me. Unsure of reality and, so tired of pain that I give up.

I am easy to throw away. Easy to cast aside. Easy to forget that I used to be a person. Since I am not allowed to make my own choices and, everyone believes the shit they hear about me, I have given up. I no longer have the desire to try. I shouldn't have to prove everything I said or, felt. It is clear people do not believe me. I loved and, I can't trust myself. I can't trust that I picked the right person. I can't take life anymore I am ready to make this end.

They have destroyed my life. It is clear they are stalking me and, that I am stalking nobody. TO ALWAYS REMEMBER THE TRUTH ABOUT EVERYTHING AND NEVER BE ABLE TO STOP HER. 

I have had to listen to people I love be hurt and, the ln blame me. I can no longer handle this pain. People hate me for things I didn't do. I have no choice but to give up. I no longer want to live. The way it sounds now, nothing I have been hearing had any basis in reality and, I am not going to be able to handle being told the "truth" again. 

I am sorry mom and, my kids. I am so sorry. I know you believe if I had gotten off drugs things would be better but, they wouldn't. It wouldn't make my memory come back. It wouldn't erase the trauma and, it wouldn't help me know what is real. My life is a nightmare because, people wanted to hurt me. Plain and, simple. They have now hurt me so badly that I can no my survive. I have no hope left. As far as I can tell, I am blamed for everything and, I "lost" everyone I loved or, trusted. I am no longer able to try. Especially since even I know my head has been so fucked with that I can't trust my instincts or, figure out who I should choose. Choosing myself was the wrong answer. Choosing my children was the wrong answer. I am hated by one man because I am too fat. Hated by another for other reasons. I am sorry, I have to give up. I am really sorry. I needed help in person and, I couldn't get it. I am really sorry. I just don't know who I can turn to or, trust without them being hurt too.  I am really sorry