The Future
Once upon a time I believed this is something that people could recover from. I believed I would not ever be the same but, I had hoped that could somehow recover enough to survive.
"Mom, you lost all of them!" The deck was stacked against me anyways and, they aren't the only people in the world. It frightens me because, I heard years ago I would have to be left someone I can trust and, at this moment, I am not certain if there is anyone that I am going to be able to trust.
Too many things have happened and, too many people are involved. Without a doubt I can no longer believe in myself. I will forever question myself. I will have a very difficult time believing anything remotely good that anyone says about me. Can't really handle anymore. I hate myself.
I am sick of being told to focus on my children. I think about them all the time and, I know they are also being hurt and, I can't help them. I can't help myself either. There is no way to get anyone to believe me. I can't talk unless I make sure everything I say is literal. No room for sarcasm or, jokes. Nothing is ever going to be ok. My feelings do not matter at all but, I am told how I hurt everyone else. Don't know what to do and, I am obviously a huge problem. I am now afraid to care or, love anyone. Completely terrified of love. It only fucked my life up more.
I am so hurt and, I will have so many problems from all of this. I am ready to try something else. Try some other way to stop them. I am sorry that the people I loved do not love me. I am sorry that all of this has happened. The last thing in the world that I would want is to be the reason that someone doesn't believe in themselves or, in love.
I am deeply confused about my life and, even though I thought I could tell people apart, at the very least, it has become clear that I can't. In person, nobody knows anything and, I am told so many times that I lost someone for good this time and, how if anyone cared they would be here with me instead of me sitting here crying and, afraid to hang out with people. It isn't as bad if I just stay alone. Hanging out with anyone is bad. This has been proven.
I am told how I feel isn't important, it's usually wrong anyways. Told I tell people I love them all of the time only, I do not. In fact, I have already said I will not tell anyone I love them this way now. Not until I know them in person. It disnt mean I didn't love, I just got tired of being manipulated. Tired of people using my voice. I don't know why me loving someone was so bad but, I am not really able to understand myself anymore and, that only made it easier to hurt me.
Everyone seems to know a lot more about my life than I do. I asked for help but, nobody could talk to me and, everything I hear is questionable. I never know for sure if who I thinking is talking actually is. I will NEVER EVER listen to my children be hurt again though. That is for sure.
I can't take anymore. Everyone can blame the fuck out of me. I hate myself so God damn much and, I will never be able to figure out what the fuck was real. I know that finding out anything now will only cause me even more pain. I thought I understood some things. I am too insecure and, afraid of being punished more to be able to handle anymore. I know it's funny to most people and, very few people will ever understand. I am sorry that I had such an easy relationship with someone at that I could talk to them about everything and, I considered them a friend. I am giving up now. They are so proud to tell me how I lost everyone. I dont know who is who, I don't know what to believe and, every fucking time I believed things got worse.
I sit here listening to my children crying because they believed someone actually loved me and, I guess they don't now. Why they had to make me doubt everything about myself and, every single person around me sucks but, nothing anyone could do.
Now, I am angry. Furious. Many levels beyond hurt. Why the fuck would you convince my children you loved me if you didn't? Why convince me of love at all when it clearly isn't something real. Love is nothing more than a way they manipulate and l, hurt people. The way they kept me in line even though I didn't do what they wanted. I loved someone, I loved him a lot and, I am never going to be able to understand the level of hatred these people feel towards not only me.
I am uncertain what to believe now. Uncertain of anything going or, anyone is real. Why would my children be crying saying they believed someone loved me if it isn't the man I loved. They keep doing things like this. Why? Because they are sick as fuck. I am not going to be able to move forward and, do anything hing normal. I keep thinking I can at least try to get a part time job. The more I think that, the more pain I am put through.
I have lost my family, my children, most of my friends, my safety, my home. Too many problems that I am blamed for. I don't want to be the problem. I wanted a normal as possible, happy life with someone and, to get my children back in my life. Now, I don't even want to try.
They have punished me for every thought I have had. Punished me for believing in others more than John, who has hurt me badly all in his own.
This scooter thing and, the people that I loved being hurt by me, this is the end. I can no longer trust myself. Only one person kept sticking back my side and, I loved someone else. Now, they are both gone. More than one persin stuck by my side I am hearing but, they all talk shit about me so, it clearly is me that is the problem. I have nobody to ask for clarification about anything I hear. Nothing I thought was accurate. So why keep trying. Nothing about me is worth anything. They tell me that every day.
I HATE BEING ALIVE. I HATE KY LIFE. I HATE ALL OF THIS. I AM SICK OF BEING HIRT AND, LIED TO. BLAMED FOR BEING SO CONFUSED. NOW, I GIVE UP MY GOD DAMN LIFE. I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LIVE. I CANT TAKE ANYMORE.I AM LEFT WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I CANT BELIEVE ANYONE EVER FUCKING GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ME. THEY JUST KEEP LYING TO ME TO HIRT ME MORE AND, I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE