Please Don't Let Them Kill More People

Everything is real. Nothing is real. 

I am sorry that I was born. Sorry that I am so stupid. I am so humiliated and, there is no longer a way to believe in anything or, anyone.

Why wouldn't people just sit me down and, talk to me? I used to be a person too. They must have been able to tell how badly hurt I am. How confused I am about everything I am being told. 

Now that I know people didn't do that because they don't want me to be alive, that at least makes sense. Now that I know people have been forced to give up their life so that someone will be there to babysit me and, that they are relieved they can go in with their life without me, I don't really know why I should keep trying? 

I know without a doubt there is something so wrong with me people would rather I kill myself than talk to me about what has been done to me. My life isn't going to be one where I will be able to take care of my responsibilities so, my own parents want me to die. I can't understand why I am not a person anymore. Why so many people don't care about how badly they are hurting people. 

For whatever reason, I am the worst thing in the universe and, killing me fixes every problem in every life that I have ever had contact with. This, among a billion other things, is what they tell me.

I think about all the people I know, all the lives that I have been part of and, how Angela was so angry because they thought about me more. How could that make someone think their life will get better if I die? How could I, a stranger to her, make her question her place in the world. She is the one that told me that but, nothing seems to make people take a minute and, realize how frightening that is. 

She would break into our house and shower in our shower. She would use my soap so she could smell like me. Try on my clothes and, buy clothes that were like mine. She has a wall of mutilated photos of me, unless she took it down. She introduced herself as me. Told people I kidnapped her children. She is insane but, my drug use has made everything she is doing acceptable. 

I am so tired and, to know that my parents gave permission for all of this is sick. My own family has been setting me up. I can't do anything good enough. Not even close to good enough. I don't know why my family hates me so fucking much but, they do.  Something about me prevents people from talking to me about all of this in person and, when people talk this way I have to question what is said because, they have changed the words and, voices so much that I am never 100% sure what is real.

I trusted and, loved people that I probably shouldn't have. I feel like the biggest idiot and, I can't understand why people can be so frightening. I have tried to believe the good things I have heard. Tried to believe that there were people who cared and, who helped me in person. People who somehow tried to rescue me from whatever was happening but, I think that was just more lies. They do that to me a lot. Tell me things that give me a tiny bit of hope and, that make me believe that there are people who know who I really am and, the only thing that happens is I survive to be hurt more. 

There has to be a reason nobody would talk to me. A reason why so many people lied to me. How can people not understand that lying to me in every normal way to communicate then, proving you are lying the way that they have been terrorizing people, it has made me realize that they are doing that to make it worse. What other reason would there be? 

They have gone so far as to try to make me think there is something different or, somehow special about me. Some reason that I should survive. I am afraid to believe that now too. I am afraid to believe anything since, it will just be used as a reason to make fun of me anyways. There are things so special about me that I have to be avoided at all costs. 

They want me to die so badly they are doing this to everyone and, they are using my name and, voice to do it! People are being told I am a child molester. If I wasn't the problem, why would so many people avoid being around me? I can't take anymore. 

They tell me because I am Andrew g addict or, because of the way I interacted with John or, because I am not a good mom. Oh, ok. How do they think they are seen? As people who are so pure and l, wholesome? They are hirting me then, blaming me for it. I understand life isn't always rainbows and, glitter. It isn't always what you dream it will be. Why blame me for the things in life you didn't get though? Why blame me because you didn't get married, or have children, or get a new car or, buy a house? There are a lot of goals I had too. Life takes a lot of work sometimes. How anyone can believe that it is always easy is just another reason you shouldn't give out participation ribbons! You don't get rewarded for showing up. 

I don't understand a lot of this. It's the stupid st thing to believe you will become famous for doing this or, become famous for"sitting on your fat ass like Jennifer Butterfield." I don't want to be the center of attention. Ever. I am happy being someone who helps other people shine. Then, I can go back into my dark cave and, live a quiet, normal life. That is what I would prefer. This is not something I would ever choose for myself or, my children. 

In the end, even my own mother would rather do this to me instead of help me or, believe me. I have to give up. I can't survive and, I don't want to anyways. What would be the point?

I am sorry that my kids have had to deal with all of this. They were right, I should have killed myself a long time ago. There is nothing about me that makes me believe I should be alive. My kids would be better off. All of these people can go back to their lives and, the only difference is that wouldn't have as much fun without someone to abuse to death. 

I hate myself so much that being able to stop would be the best thing for everyone. I only embarrass the people who were pretending to give a shit about me anyways. Nothing I do is ever going to be something that can make these people treat me like I am a person. I can't take this anymore. I already have realized that I am only making people miserable by living. Now, they won't have to turn around and walk in a different direction when they see me or, pretend that they gave a fuck about me. Why bother lying to me? Why make up stories about how great people were to help me when they didn't? It only made things hurt worse. They make fun of me and, call me a liar all day and, night but, they are the liars. 

I am sorry I was so pathetic and, couldn't understand why nobody would talk to me about this. Now I know. I hate myself so much I hate everything about me. I am so stupid I believed a lot of what they told me. Making up shit about my kids and, then throwing it in my face that even they don't talk to me, it's totally much. I am garbage and, that will never change. 

There is nothing else I can do. I am so sick of all of these people doing this. They all believe the same things about me, use the same fucking words to hurt me so the problem I ciously is me. All of these people can't be wrong. It was stupid of me to have believed anything good about myself. They have proven that there is nothing good about me. This is the only way to make this stop. Tracy already told me I had to die to get away from the abusers anyways and, they swear it is to abuse, they are just telling me the truth.

I WISH I HAD DIED BEFORE I REALIZED JUST HOW MUCH MY OWN FAMILY HATED ME. MY MOM SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD ME WHEN ALL SHE DID WAS KILLL NE NOW. THIS IS MY FAULT THOUGH. MY FAULT FOR EVERYTHING THEY HAVE DONE. ITS NICE TO HEAR OEOPLE LAUGING THOUGH.