No Memory

Instead of helping someone who clearly has no memory of things that have been done to her, that's how bad this is, they chose to fuck with her head even more. People didn't matter to them. Hurting her as the only thing that anyone gave a shit about.

Her own family didn't care. They didn't want anyone to live her. They didn't want anyone to care. She became an object. They even told her over three years ago that her new name was "It" that's what everyone was supposed to call her. "It" just something to hurt and control until it didn't exist anymore.

What did her family do? Help people make sure that It got thrown away. They all wanted to make sure that It couldn't survive. Nobody wanted to be around It anymore. It's own husband told her to her face. "Do you see anyone else here for you? I sure don't." "Do you see anyone else show up for you?" Nobody shows up for It. 

They put shit in It's birthday cake. They do everything they can to make sure that It knows that It isn't a person. They make sure that It knows how unwanted It is in this world. All people do is hurt It until there was no reason for hope. No reason to be alive.

They say all of these terrible things about It. Why? So that nobody will ever care about it again. Now, nobody does. It begged for help. Did help ever show up? 

They ask it all the time "Why am I here then?" It didn't know the answer to that. They just make fun of it all the time. They wanted it to hurt. They even tell it that too. "Hope it hurt!" Nobody actually cared. They proved that a long time ago. People say they care but, they lied. They wanted to hurt it so badly that it had no reason for hope. Without hope there is no reason to live.

They used its kids to hurt it so badly that it. Couldn't be around them without feeling like there would be a problem later. 

They remove free will from everyone so that nobody will be even believe it. They caused it so much trauma that it would suck it's thumb, then they made fun of it for that.

Anyone that pretended to care has proven they didn't care at all. They proved that It was easy to replace. They proved that it didn't matter to anyone. They proved that all people are the same . All people will lie to you and, use you until they can hurt you the most. ALL PEOPLE ARE THE SAME. They all act the same. They all at the same things. They all have proven that it has no place anywhere on Earth. Every person that it came in contact with has proven that there is no place where it will ever fit in. No place where it will ever be lived. No place where it will ever be able to survive.

Not that anyone cares. Things are getting better when John was in prison. The mean people left it alone. It heard nicer things and, thought that people could remember that it was a person too. Thought they could remember that it didn't do anything but he abused and, things were getting better.

Then John came back and, he "had to do what he could to protect his family " It doesn't have a family so, It was screwed. John treats it like the oule of shit that it obviously is. It's Uncles, it heard them from the beginning, "it's three o'clock in Washington" didn't care either. They could have helped it but, because people kept saying they cared about it, they didn't. Once people, all people, proved that it didn't matter to anyone, then they said to shut this down. Why not before? Why didn't anyone believe it?

They made fun of it for a long time. Told it that it was lying about not remembering. Told it that it was a child molester. Told it that it was raped by adults and, children. Women and, men. That didn't matter though. It couldn't get help because, it didn't know what to say. "The voices that are in the air told it that it was raped." How does that work. They told it all kinds of things. Terrible things. How could any of those things have been true? How could people leave it to fend for itself if any of those things has been true? Why didn't people care that it was being murdered?

Any time it thought that someone caresld, it was wrong. Anytime it trusted anyone, it was wrong. Anytime it tried to do anything, especially good things, it was wrong. People tried to give it advice but, the advice was about things that Angela and, others had done to it, not things that it has done to others.

Now it knows for sure that it doesn't have a chance in this world. That it has to leave this world in order for people to be happy again. Angela had said this many, many times but, nobody cared. People have never cared about it. It wasn't worth caring about.

It will never be ok. It will never believe that anyone cares about it. It will never want to stay in Earth. It was just a thing so manipulate until there was no reason for it to remain. 

It couldn't trust that people wouldn't hurt it. Each time it did trust, that person would hurt it  Each time it cared, that person would hurt it. Each time it believed it was hurt. Each time someone said they loved it, they proved that was a lie. That is all people do to it, they only lie. They wanted to hurt it. They wanted to humiliate it. It was never a person anyways. It didn't even matter to its own family. It has to hear things like "you lived here for so long nobody will ever believe i raped you!" 

People didn't want it to know who they were. They pretended to care but, didn't want to be around it. Only one person tried and, it was abused so badly before it saw that person that it couldn't "maintain" it's composure. It has no choice left. It still cares about people. It can't find a way to stop. It is suck of listening to people it lives be hurt. It is suck of taking the blame. It is sick of people proving they don't care and, it still cares. It can't take anymore pain.

Everyone obviously feels the same way. Why else would they not want it around? Why else would they pretend l, like its own husband did? The abusers yell it to trust it's husband all the time and, it got punished when it didn't trust him. It got punished for not loving him anymore. 

The things they say to it all the time 24/7 proved to it that there was no reason for hope.

Hope it hurt

Not even if you had a job

How does that feel

Get me out of your head 

Don't ever think about me again

How do you feel about me now

You almost had me back 

If you had only tried harder

Why would I want that (it is just a that now)

Told you not to blame Angela

How come you couldn't make John cum

You smell like pee

Your pussy smells

You're a drug whore

You're a whore

You're a child molester 

You're abusive

We were over before we began

Nobody will ever love you

You mean I fell in love with that on my own

Nobody wants me to be part of their family

That's gotta hurt

Just kill yourself

Next time you see me ___________

From now on every person you meet, you will wonder if they did this to you

Do you know how many people it took to do this to you

He never loved you

He did

The list goes on forever and, they assure me they will do this to me for the rest of my life. Without the ability to trust anything I hear and, the ability to trust that someone feels the way they said they do, I am at a huge disadvantage. I have been left at an even bigger disadvantage because, each person I have asked says they don't know anything. I get told so much that nobody believes me that, when I hear someone say they do, I have to wonder if they actually do.

I thought of someone as a friend, someone else I loved. Now, I am so hurt by this whole thing that I don't know what to think. I am really sorry if people actually did at some point help me or, rescue me. I truly am. It seems like that wasn't real either but, only because someone they said rescued me had a conversation with John and, they both acted like they didn't know each other. It seems like that is a huge problem not only to their story but, to the way I feel about everything. How could these two men pretend they had no idea who the other one was, especially if either of them truly lived me. Because of this, I have to question every single time I have ever been told someone loves me. John, who lied to me from the moment we met and, has been doing everything he can to hurt me, never loved me. His mother says she got people to see things her way, just like Angela Tracjveski said to me. It is very obvious that when Angela said she was going to set me up and, once I killed myself all of these people would take the blame for helping me do this to her, she was serious. Tracy and, John being the new Angela are doing their very best to make sure I die. Nobody wants me to be in my children's lives. They tell me that all the time. Tracy tells people she is my daughters mother. They continue to hurt my son and, blame me for it. Everything I do is a huge embarrassment to everyone that knows me. There is only so much that one person can take. 

I feel stupid for everything that I believed and, even stupider because they keep hurting me with the same things Angela did. Angela who was pissed off that everyone moved on without her. Now, everyone is moving on without me. I keep being abandoned and, I do not want to become a clingy, whiney, paranoid woman. I wanted to share my life and be happy with someone who I am told never wanted me or, no longer wants me. They will never stop hurting me. I can't keep feeling like this. I can't keep trying to move forward while being beat down to the ground. I try to focus on my children but, with these people never shutting up and, beating me down the way they do, I can't focus on anything except trying to find a way to be happier. Even when I talk to my kids, they hurt me. I can't have a conversation with them without these people butting in and, their accusations have taken such a huge toll that I am afraid of interacting with my children. 

Don't focus on being murdered, raped, kidnapped, the loss of memory. Don't focus on yourself at all. Only focus on thinking the way they demand you think or, you will die. 

Even it's parents weren't there for it. It has nobody, just like it's supposed to have so that way it stays with John. "You have to stay with John. He's the only one that wants you!" Over and, over and, over. It didn't live John anymore. It was so badly abused if John wasn't here then, badly abused when he was. It loves someone else and, they used that person, like always, to hurt it until it didn't believe it was worth anything. They used every single person it cared about to kill it.

They throw things in it's face so hard that there is no way to avoid pain. They use people to hurt it even worse. They pretend that it remembers things but, it doesn't.

The worst is the way they used its children. Tracy made sure that it didn't remember anything then started telling it that it and, someone that it once believed cared about it molested it's daughter. His voice even said that happened. It was told horrible things that were done to it and, the voices that told it all of this were the voices of people it loved, people it cared about. 

It was punished fornl having more than one man in its thoughts. It was told it wasn't allowed to think about anyone else. That is cheating. It only loved one man the way that made them call him it's husband. Only one man meant anything like that to it. It didn't understand why it wasn't allowed to love it's family of, anyone else. Love was something that meant something to it. To know that someone it lived with all its heart didn't believe that there was nobody else it wanted only caused more pain. 

With nobody wanting to be near it and, people proving that how it felt didn't matter to anyone, it gave up. It began to hate Jennifer Butterfield so much that it wanted her to die. It couldn't get anyone to understand that it had feelings too. That it loved someone and, it couldn't make a difference to anyone. Even the people that said they love it, proved that it didn't matter to them. They proved that the way it was treated was how it should be treated. Even people that said they wanted it to be part of their family priced they didn't. They all proved that it wasn't wanted anywhere. They proved that nothing it did or, said meant anything. Why? Because it never mattered.

Angela Tracjveski said that Tracy and, John would never believe that she did this. Then they started doing this. The ultimate pain and, humiliation came when the family that it lived so much. The last people that it found any kind of happiness talking to, besides its own children, turned on it and, began hurting it too. Since it couldn't see anyone, it only can know what it hears and, since nobody wanted to be around it, it finally decided there was no longer a reason for it to keep trying.

It's own family didn't believe it. It has nowhere left to turn. Nowhere left to find happiness. The voices never stop hurting it. They never stop proving that it has no value and, no reason to have hope. They have proven there is nothing good or, worth anything inside of it. It has made the choice to let the people it lives be happy. People can't be happy until it is dead. That is what it gets told all the time and, it believes it. 

It is tired of hearing terrible things from voices of people that it loved. It shouldn't have been forced to stay with a man that it hates. A man that has proven he never loved it. It wasn't allowed to move forward in life though. Anytime it tried, the people it loved were hurt too. 

To be told that the family it adored were doing this to it and, listening to their voices say such hate filled things has destroyed every part of it. Thacy says she proved that all of these people hate it and, that it has to stay with John. John who does this in person yet, is the only person willing to be around her. John, who hates it as much as it hates him. John, who wanted it to die. 

It is sorry that it let people be hurt. It was told a long time ago that this was its fault for not dying sooner. That everyone would blame it for the things that had to happen because it stayed alive. It's life isnt worth anything. It can't take care of itself anymore. Its children are suffering because it remains alive. It is nothing more than a drug addict that everyone hates. It can't do enough for everyone else, even though it tried. It became this thing that is afraid of people. Afraid that live is nothing more than hate. Afraid that all people will hurt it because, that is what it hears. It has no understanding of what may be real about people. It can't take the pain anymore.

Everything about it is wrong. Everything about it is worthless. Everything about it pushes people away. Everything about it proves that it shouldn't be here anymore. It is afraid of the voices, afraid if people. Without help, it could no longer survive and, it became too afraid of people to find help. It couldn't trust itself anymore. All it knows for sure is it will keep being hurt. It will keep being abused. It will keep being abandoned. Nobody will ever believe it and, nobody will ever want to be around it so it will never be able to get help.

It has decided to let the people it loves, the people it will always love, be happy. The abuse of all of these people will stop once it stops breathing. They tell it that all the time. There is no way to remain alive.

There is no way to recover from the abuse. It heard someone say,  a long time ago, that it would have had to be left one person for it to be able to survive. One person it could trust. There isn't one anymore. There isn't one person left that cares about it. Not one person left for it to turn to. It's own family gave its permission for this to be done to it. They didn't believe that it was being manipulated and, hurt. They felt that it deserved this. They believed that it was a liar and, that it was abusive. They didn't believe that it was being hurt. 

There is nothing left for it to remain here. Its children are being hurt and, it gets blamed for that too. It gets blamed for everything. The things it has been told, even by people it trusted, what would be the point. 

It is sorry that it causes so many problems. That each life it touches is made worse by its love. It has tried to prove that it wasn't a bad thing, there just wasn't a way to do it anymore. It is sorry that it's life caused so much pain for so many others. It is tired of people trying to appease Angela Tracjveski, the ONLY Angela that it blamed. It is sorry that so many others believed it wasn't worth letting into their lives. That it was something that it wasn't. They brag that they have done this to it most of its life. That this is the fifth time they have done this to it. 

They told it a few days ago that someone it trusted, even though it didn't want to be with that person it still had love for him, killed its father so that it could do this to it. It didn't really believe that but, there are too many things like that in its head to want to keep trying. It knows that it isn't supposed to say anything and, Tracy made it very clear that if it says it's going to die then it isn't. She said if it says anything then it isn't going to do it. She said if it really wanted to die it would just do it and never say. It is sorry that it tried. Sorry that its children have been so hurt by its life. There is no way to understand why everyone hates it so much. It is sorry that it couldn't be there for everyone. It tried to do what it could but, it wasn't enough. It is sorry for being alive. It needed help and, live and, that isn't supposed to be part of its life.