Metal Abuse

There is no way to ever explain the way this has damaged my life. 

John has done so much damage and, on some level I understand that. We share a child and, we shared part of our lives together. To me, we should be able to remain friends at least. The nature of our relationship has changed but, the fact we had one shouldn't have had to change. We should have been able to coparent and, get along enough to be able to talk without excess drama. That is not going to happen.

In top of that I believed for a very long time that this was all my fault. That is I tried harder to get along with John or, if I did everything he wanted or, whatever that this would stop. He had me convinced that he was the only person who would put up with my "bullshit." He had me convinced that he was the only person who cared about me, the only person who ever shows up for me. He would tell me things like my family hates me but, they think he is the bees knees. He had me convinced and, I am still afraid of this, that my brother wants to kill me. He swore up and, down that the brother I live with wants to pour boiling water on me, that he is hurting me and, will continue to hurt me if John is not around. He throws it in my face that this brother hit me in the head and, I had to get stitches and, another time John had to pull him off of me because he was choking me. I try to let all the shit go and, try to believe that my brother, who has been patient with me and, my fucked up life, isn't going to hurt me and, that my parents don't hate me. I try to believe that there are more people that care about me but, every single day I am told there isn't. "Trust your husband!" "Stay with John, he's the only one you have!" "Stay with John, he's the only one who cares about you!" Over and, over. 

When John is around me though, everything is my fault. He says and, does things and, then blamea them on me. Tells me I am crazy and, how the way I remember things is wrong

 He has gone so far as to tell me that I "am trying to alter what he knows is real and, that is called gaslighting!" 

It is difficult to understand that, in order for the ways John has hurt me, my own family would have to be part of all of this. I have to fully accept that my own family does in fact hate me and, that they do not believe me or, want to help me survive. 

I sometimes wonder how many things John has told me that I am wrong about and, that I believed him. How many things do I believe that are not real because I trusted him. 

Then again, what if he is the only one that is stopping by brother from hurting me? They tell me he drugs me and, let's people into this apartment, for money, to have sex with me. They all call me a whore, even John. I am not a whore though. They tell me I have had sex with a lot of men and, women but, that isn't true either. Why they say that is hurtful. It is obvious there are chunks of time missing from my memory and, that they have filled those times with so many lies that I have no clue what is real. 

They say I met people I haven't. That I have been around people I haven't seen in years. I have heard people be scolded for letting me see them or, letting me know who they are. How can anyone survive if they aren't even allowed to know who someone is. 

After over five years, I was told that one person could be real. One person in over five years was allowed to be real. However, I wouldn't recognize this person in sight and, I am told that he has done some things that would make me not want to trust him. One minute he is a great guy who saved my life, the next someone who hurt me badly. It alternates. I chose to believe the good but, why didn't he want to be around me now if he rescued me? Why doesn't some parts of this story fit together? Why are people so adamant about keeping us apart of he is allowed to be real? I like this person, I just can't understand any of this.

I asked John about him and, his brother. John swears, like always, that he doesn't have a clue who they are. Swears he has never heard of them. How is that possible? They have been saying he has been having an affair with this man's sister, how does he not know who they are? John has had a lot of affairs so, that didn't bother me. Less time I have to spend with him was all I really thought. Why lie to me though and, which person is lying? 

Without being able to talk to people and, be able to know that who I am talking to us who that person is, I am not going to ever be ok. They have done so much damage to my mental health and, the things they have said they have done to my brain, it's all too much.

Why would my mom lie to me about all of this? It feels like these people are trying to somehow still blame me or, find a way to use all of this to get themselves out of trouble. Like they are depending on me, their victim, to find a way for them to not have to pay for the things they have done. I get that this is a huge felony. The things they have done to me alone will get them in massive trouble. If they are depending on me, their victim, to get them out of trouble though, wouldn't it be better to tell me? Why continue to fuck with my head? Unless the way they get out of trouble is for me to die. In that case, they are more than likely going to get what they wanted. 

I keep being told how people are just pretending to care. That they want me to get them out of trouble like John Butterfield. Something about me is causing so many problems for so many people and, I can't understand any of this. They hurt me so badly that I am truly finding it difficult to beat the depression. They have abused me so completely that I am not sure there are too many people who still care or, believe me. 

One of the time periods that I have little to no memory of, I am told I was raped. They said they "ran a big ol train on me!" Eleven months after it happened someone told me over and, over that I was raped. When John came back from prison, I tried to tell him but, he just smiled at me and, said if that really happened. Not if that really happened that way, like I have been hearing lately. IF THAT REALLY HAPPENED PERIOD. 

I know they have been trying to set me up and, that there probably isn't a bigger picture. That the things that are being done to me and, the way John treats me when he is around are it. This is all there is. 

I get punished, told to take John back by these voices of people who could just talk to me in person. People who are hurting me so badly. Then, when John is here, it's just a different kind of punishment. I am told that things are my fault because I let him come back. I don't want him back but, at the same time, I don't want to believe that he is going to end up killing me. 

It's like there is no relief. I can only hear what I am allowed to hear. When it seems like I need to know what is going on, like now, they turn it down so low I can't hear what is being said. I can't defend myself if I can't hear what is happening. I know they are trying to get me locked up. They keep blaming me for things that they create. They are driving me insane and, without help I am dead. They threaten people I try to talk to and, I am afraid that this is the end of my life. They have hurt me that badly. I have done nothing to these people l. I have tried to believe the good. Given them the benefit of the doubt over and, over and, each time it has only caused me more pain. 

I am an innocent woman being hurt so badly that I am not sure I can survive the abuse. They tell me I did this to myself though, I don't know how that would be possible. 

Any time I say I can't hear them, someone will make sure that I hear something they say so I appear as though I am a liar. "Which one do you choose?" What the fuck are they talking about? What the fuck is going on? I can't keep guessing my way through this. They are hurting me. They are driving me nuts. They can clearly see me yet, I can not see them. They are doing this to me and, I am already paying a high price. Why do they keep trying to blame me for the things they are doing to me?! Why won't they stop? Why won't my own family help me? They have no problem helping the brother that roofied me. Why won't they help me?

I am hurt so badly then, blamed for the pain. I don't know what to do or, who to turn to and, I am afraid to talk to people anymore. Afraid to meet people. Afraid of everything. Everything I believed about my life they have done everything they can to destroy. I am not allowed to have self esteem. They verbally beat that out of me every day. How can anyone survive something like this?