Life has no Happiness

I am not sure what exactly is going on. Like John previously, anything I compliment anyone in quickly is no longer a trait they have. 

Anything people tell me or, complimented me in ends up the same way. When I try to overcome it, all the happens is I get abused worse. i am beaten down no matter what the fuck i do. 

There no longer is any compassion, understanding, kindness or anything like that in this group of people. They have become so narcissistic and, cruel. Nothing is ever their responsibility. It's not their fault they are torturing me, it's mine. I needed to be out in my place! "It's his I react, not the fact they are murdering me?" 

John told me once that his mother didn't know what love is. Even if she hadn't said she was doing this to everyone, it would have been easy to figure out, they all sound the same. 

I DIDNT DO ANYTHING! PERIOD. I am so sick of being hurt and, beaten down. If I get up and, clean it di anything I need to, I get beaten down by EVERYONE. I can't understand. I am telling you, every fucking voice is beating me the fuck down, it's my fault though.

They keep saying things that make no sense whatsoever. Things they accuse me of. Things they say that I said. If I deny that I said whatever it is, I get beaten down worse and, I am terrified of what is being done to my children. 

I am not allowed to talk to anyone and, fear of punishment is going to prevent me from trying to tell people anything quickly. SHE IS PUNISHING MY CHILDREN TOO. 

I am so hurt that I am ready for the pain to end. All anyone says is just do it then, just like John always tells me! I finally stopped worrying about him when he tells me he wants to die. I used to worry about him so God damn much, now I know he is part of all of this and, after view him "dodging" cars, I realized I didn't need to kill myself with worry.

She is fucking insane. I am the red of being hated and, I can't take the stress from the abuse anymore. I know nobody can understand that sometimes people need help. That is one thing that has never changed. If I ask John for help, PUNISHMENT. From the beginning. If I do what John says to do, PUNISHMENT! He will tell me that he will take over "just go relax or, do something else!" He used to finish up whatever I had started while I did what he told me. Now though, he will tell me the same thing, then two seconds later cogo and, sit down! Everything about him gas changed and, I will hear him tell these people what to say, sometimes I hear him under his breath. If I ask though, he denies saying anything. I talk out loud to them all the time but, I never denied hearing them. 

His mother said she has gotten him and, everyone else see things her way. I don't have a chance in hell. I am not a lazy person. When I was staying somewhere previously I was scolded for being too type A. I listened to what someone I care a great deal about said they wished they had and, I tried to help them achieve that. I didn't know it was a bad thing. I care about both of those people in that home and, I enjoyed helping. I enjoyed feeling like I was loved and, accepted. Now, I just get told how they talk shit about me and, how they hate me so much 

How does someone go from too type A to not being able to accomplish anything? It happened when John came back. The strange part is, he would abuse the fuck out of me and, then I would hear him say "See nobody cares, nobody comes to your rescue!" What the fuck is that? I have never asked to be rescued. Angela used to say shit like that, about being rescued. I only asked for help. Help usually means you work too, they don't do for you, they help. I always would help if I asked for help. The only time was when John told me to do something that he would take over. 

The abuse has become so overwhelming that I cajt handle anything. I get scolded for even the smallest thing. Like tonight, my brother had to out the cheese in the macaroni so, I am lazy and, worthless.

They constantly lie to me. All kinds of bullshit things. Earlier today I was told my daughter ran away, lie. It is 1:30 in the morning and, they just said it again. Now, they added she almost got hit by a car! Well, why the fact CJ should I believe the same thing again? They do this all the time. Tell me things that would make me frantic and, it would be a lie. Now, I am just going completely numb to a lot of the things they say. That is my fault though too. I am having a harder and, harder time connecting with people. They just are what hurts me most so, I don't care nearly as much. They used people to hurt me. My own heart and, mind against me to the point I just don't believe caring is worth the amount of pain it is causing me.

Now, I am told I lost my daughter. What the fuck did I do? Not believe the lie? Seriously, what do they want from me? It's like when John came back from prison and, every time he left they said he got in a car accident. Fir abwhile I would call him, then I stopped. If he gets in an accident I am sure someone will tell me in a normal way. If not, since they rarely talk to me any other way and, I am made fun of all the God damn time, I am just tired of everything.

My daughter just said "mom grandma Tracy told me to run away!" I believe her but, I can hear her being punished. What the fuck is wrong with this bitch? Why the fuck would she punish her for doing what she was told? Probably because John would punish her even though she was doing what she was told before. Jesus Christ, can't you talk to her? Can't you explain things without beating her ass? I can't handle this. I have no way to protect my children. My family apparently is all for what is going on. They all hate me anyways. I hear them every day. Let me refresh your memories I DIDNT DO ANYTHING. I AM NOT GUILTY IF ANYTHING. I AM THEIR VICTIM. I AM NOT SURE WHY I AM SO HATED. I KEPT TRYING AND, THINGS ONLY GOT WORSE. I DONT UNDERSTAND.

I am not sure why people tell me they love me. At least one person wassup honest about it "you are only worth loving from a distance!" Love has become non stop criticism and, Inmo longer want love in my life. Nice to hear how I took the blame esrlier for someone else though! There isn't anyone I believe anymore. What kind of love is this? I am guilty of not being as non flirty or, leading someone on while in love with someone else. 100% guilty of that. I am unsure why when I loved that person so much. I do recognize that Indid that though. 

I hate myself. I am fully aware that I am not loved and, that I am not going to be able to deliver trust that someone loves me or, has anything good to say or l, feel about me. I am tired of people being hurt because of me. Their actions are my fault. They want to hurt people because of me. All of this is my fault and, I can't handle any of this. I am sorry that my life has become what hurts people so fucking much. I wish I could have been a better person, mother, daughter, friend, wife, everything. I really am sorry. I just can't handle this.