John M. Butterfield
One of the worst people I have ever met
Nothing about him was real. Every memory was from someone else. The complete humoliation I feel, without all of these other people who, also want me to die, would have been more than enough to kill me. Adding in the fact that I was stupid enough to have loved and, trusted people who are also telling me to kill myself, it's all too fucking much.
How stupid can one person be? I should have believed when I was told if anyone gave a fuck about me, they would be here with me. Instead, they tell me I didn't go through this alone but, I did.
There was never anyone to ask for guidance from. Never anyone to help me understand who was talking or, if what they were saying was true. I used to beg for help. "Is anyone else there or, is this just Angela fucking with my head more?" I'm person though, nobody ever knew anything. Only once did someone give me something that could have sort of proven everything I have been told was a lie. I poked holes in that myself though. At that time I still had enough faith in John that, it didn't make much sense and, someone deleted that anyways.
There is no way to ever understand why my own family let me be tortured to death. Why, no matter how much I begged for help, nobody wanted me around. I am sick of hearing how my interactions with the worst man I have ever known prevented me from getting people to want to be around me. I have lost everyone I have ever cared about and, known. I do not have the ability to trust anyone anymore and, meeting new people is not something Inam going to be able to do anytime soon.
"Everyone you meet from now on, you will wonder if they did this to you!" What kind of life is that? I tried to be patient. Tried to figure out who I could trust. Tried to believe that there were people who still saw me as a person. Tonight proves that isn't how I should have been. I am not a person and, there is no longer a way to want to believe.
From the day I met John, he lied to me. I thought that I had met a man that loved me and, my children. Someone who was my partner for life. I loved and, respected him. It makes me sick to hear people say that I loved someone recently with more respect than I showed John. Not true.
We talked all the time and, I looked forward to talking to him. It took about sis weeks for me to agree to meet him and, after meeting him, we spent almost all our time together.
He had a lot of complaints about his family. I don't like to see people upset if there is a way I can help them. He had all kinds of things about living with his mother that bothered him. He said she kept trying to go through his phone. He would go to get a drink and, come back and, it would be locked from too many password attempts. He said he had to keep a lock on his bedroom door so she didn't go in and, steal from him. The biggest one though was, he said he paid for half of the car that he shared with her. He put in half and, she put in half. He said that she rarely let him use it though
To prove his mother was psycho and, I guess to make me believe I could trust him, he told me about a physicians assistant in southern California that his mother had somehow blackmailed. He said he thought she had saved semen in the freezer. That is how she got the car they had. The one he said he paid half for. It was registered in the physician assistants name and, I would imagine the title was in his name too. Once, when they were trying to move, after John had moved in with me, she tried to have me forge the P.A.s signature on a document stating that he was giving her money. I initially started to but, it looked nothing like the signature she had if his and, she eventually did it herself.
There were things like that from the time I met her. When this started bithcJihn and, Tracy swore that Angela would never hurt a fly. That she would never do anything like this. John, who swore that they weren't even friends anymore. Who swore that she was so hard to get rid of the first time, would show up, after he moved in, in her car. How were they not friends still if he was driving her car around? Which would then make him saying that she never allowed him to use her car a lie. Why would he tell me that she had said she had to have her car in her mother's name because, she owed the IRS $100,000 and, her mother wouldn't let him drive it, then show up in it?
I tried to tell John everything I was being told but, he didn't care. He used this as a way to leave and, cheat on me. It hurts to know that I believed him and, the things he said about living me, just like I believed others, only to find out it was all lies. John defended Angela every single time. He would make fun of me for saying she was doing this to me.
John would also, from day one, tell me about his brother's ex girlfriend that lived with his dad. He would tell me how much he hates her. How she was the worst parent he knew. How she would mooch off of his dad and, his family. He would tell me she has her own family, why doesn't she use them? Only to find out much, much later that none of that was true either. That they had been having an affair the entire time we were together. I was nothing but, someone he could hurt.
All of the kind, loving things he said to me came from other people. People he could hear this way. The thing that made me believe John, made me truly believe he lived me and, thought I was so beautiful, came from someone who hates me. That is how stupid I am. I let the devil into my home and, he brought friends. Everything about my life is gone. I hate everything about myself.
I would clean up around the house and, once unpacked John's bag only to find several PlayStation games that he obviously tried to get rid of when he got rid of my PlayStation, without my knowledge. He got rid of it for drugs, he swears he gave me the drugs but, he did not. He would use drugs to get other women under his thumb. I also found lube in the bag so, I know that is what he was doing. I didn't know what to do. These people were torturing me. Telling me John was the only one that could stop them. I believed they had the control over him that they said they did so, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Now, I know it was something about me because, too many others have treated me the same way.
When John went to prison, before we left to go to Reno, I told him I thought people could see us and, hear us. He made fun of me and, we got into a huge fight. It lasted almost all the way to Reno. John says that when he was arrested he had a black eye but, he didn't. I had a bloody lip. He then went to "get his phone" and, the next thing I knew, my friend got a call through Facebook saying John was arrested for hiring an underage prostitute and, I needed to pick up my car. I was devastated.
Even though he begged for a second chance, said he had so much to make up for. Swore he didn't blame me for the things that had happened and, that he would help me make all of this stop, it was just more lies. Lies he repeated when he went to jail again recently. He blames me for everything. He now says that I opened the door for him to go to prison.
His promises of helping me make this all stop became, him telling me that I am schizophrenic. Calling me Looney Bin Jenn. Making fun of me constantly and, eventually picking fights with me by repeating things he could only have known if he knew what was going on and, could hear all of this.
I know he has been cheating on me. I caught him on dating sites two days after he got back from prison. I don't know why I didn't kick him out then. He and, my brother, as far as I knew they had never met, were super close. Thick as thieves. I asked John about it once. He said that he was there the thanksgiving before we got married. When I said no he wasn't, John looked at me and, said "then why did you just say he was!" What the fuck? He did things like that all the time.
He called from prison once and, the caller ID said the call was from LLCC. Later I remembered, from working at corrections and, hearing someone, that it is LCC not LLCC. When I went to read the cards John had sent from prison, they didn't say the same things! Somehow, they had been switched. I asked him about that and, he only got angry at me and, told me he didn't have to send me anything. Each time I kicked him out though, everything I would hear would get worse. They would torture me for kicking him out and, for fighting with him. After prison, John started almost all of our fights but, it was me that had to apologize and, take the blame. He would hit me then, deny it. Tell me I am crazy all of the time. When I asked him about names they said belonged to these people, he denied knowing anyone. John swore he didn't know anyone in Reno. He didn't know anyone in this apartment complex. According to him, he has no friends and, when he isn't here all he does is sit in his room longing to be here with his wife.
Even though I have asked for a divorce since before he went to prison, it was always met with a no. Then, I would get punished and, told John deserved his second chance.
I have lost too many people and, been lied to so much that I no longer want to try. I still have a difficult time believing anything I hear and, half the time I believe it's all in my head like John keeps telling me it is
Once they "started telling me the truth" about things they say happened to me, I became more afraid of people than I have ever been. I already knew by then that my brother is the one that roofied me. He kept telling me how great this drink was and, I finally got sick of hearing all of this and bought sleeping pills. I thought the combination made me hallucinate. I heard people talking about tape but, I didn't know they were talking about me. My brother kept saying, just not out loud, not to use his bed to have sex. Since I have never done that, I thought they were just fixing with my head more. How can they admit that others have also not been able to remember anything when they used this combination of drugs then, continue to tell me I am a liar and, that this is too rare so I must be lying?
How can my own family be part of something so sick? I have been told and, I believe it, that my uncles were here when I was raped.
I was with John, after he came back, on Highway 59 in Carson once and, I told him I didn't know Grocery Outlet was in Highway 59 now. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I remembered that I was in there. I was there when they drugged me. I looked over at him, terrified, only to see the look on his face, he knew too.
During the last few months I realized that John knew everything that has been done to me. He would say things and, I would hear that had already been done. He reinacted part of my rape. When I think back, he had said things all along that were things I had either been told or, things that had been done to me!
The torture only got worse and, John swore he was the only person that gave a shit about me. The only person who wanted me around. Swore my own family hates me and, that the voices were my fault. It was all in my head or, it was all lies. I believed him. I thought I'd I tried harder, did things better or, did them their way, if I was just thinner, prettier, whatever, they would stop. I believed the fights were my fault. If I just tried harder to maintain my composure, things would get better.
Things only got worse. I would catch John talking to these people, out loud sometimes. If I said anything it only causes a bigger fight. When I tried to tell him about what I had heard while he was in prison, about being raped. He told m "if that really happened!" He didn't give a fuck.
There is nothing in this world that is going to help make any of this better. Nobody can understand how terrible this all has been. Each time I learned to trust someone, it would be the first thing they did, prove to me how stupid I was. They would tell me to trust my instincts then, so everything they could to prove I am an idiot. For too long, I did everything I could to keep the peace and, try to get this to stop. When I tried to get off drugs, they poisoned me. They spread horrific lies about me and, have sabatoge me in every way possible.
Anyone I lived became their greatest weapon and, very few people wanted to be near me. The pain of loving anyone became too much. Either I get told they raped me or, they were using me to get away with everything like John was or, that person would never live me as much as someone else did. I still fell in love though. Not the love that they would tell me but, real love. Too much has been said and, done and, the pain is so huge. I am grateful to have been able to talk to this person and, the way they made me feel gaveq me hope and, helped me believe that maybe I was still seen not only as a person but, a woman. It's difficult to explain how demoralizing and, depressing this whole thing has been. I know other people tried to help me, it was the way this person treated me that made me keep trying. I just cant take anymore.