It Doesn't Want To Believe
It told you how much it hates Jennifer Butterfield. Nobody wanted to believe it.
It is tired of hearing how this is the rest of its life. The amount of abuse it has gone through while people say they have been there but, where are they? Nobody has fucking been here. While it gets told how John told it whatever is going on only, John, like everyone else doesn't hear any of this. John doesn't know anyone that Jennifer asked him about. John abused the fuck out of Jennifer in person while his mother screamed this is what it feels like to be gaslit in person. As if it wasn't bad enough the way they have been doing this. Jennifer didn't fucking give this a name.
"Go ahead, keep blaming Tracy!" You mean go ahead and, keep telling the truth. Jennifer loved Brandon, more than she could understand. All she kept hearing was how he didn't love her. How he didn't want to be around her. How he raped her or, did all these terrible things that John was doing to her. At first they said he was acting like Mike but, it became Brandon after she started to believe that is who she was talking to. After a while she gave up and, fell in love with someone else. Someone who was apparently told to open up to her. Someone who they keep saying never gave a shit about her. He was only trying to protect his family. Jennifer didn't believe that. She believes that he lived her. That he chose to open up to her. The damage has been done time and time again
She is done being allowed to believe. She is stupid for even trying.
Once her step father started using her mother's voice to tell her she deserved to be raped or that she wanted it as much as her brother did. How she wasn't worth helping and, she even heard people saying that they proved to her that she wasn't lying, her mother kept lying to her. Anyone she learned to trust, she was hurt by. If it wasn't them, then why the fuck aren't people willing to be around her? She already figure out that if people who loved her and, wanted to help her WITHOUT BEING THREATENED were around her and talked to her about this, it would have stopped. She heard Tracy threaten Candy when she finally broke down and, tried to tell them what was being done. SHE HEARD YOU EVEN THOUGH SOMEONE ELSE SAID IT EAS BRANDON. in the end she doesn't matter to anyone. She isn't meant to be alive. I am sick of her believing that people can help her. Sick of having hope, she should have given up a long time ago and, actually gave up. Who the fuck wants to listen to this every God damn mother fucking day? Nobody.
Angela Tracjveski actually believed that John and, Jennifer sat down and, thought that getting married would be the best way to hurt her. Now that every single person Jennifer trusted or loved has proven that they didn't give a fuck, she is no longer allowed to believe that she should be alive. How stupid can a person be?
You expect her to trust someone who said they let children take her and, urinate in her so they could get their power back because, Tracy was telling people BEFORE John went to prison that she molested a child? You expect her to trust someone when her own Uncle told her if she "was going to save anyone it would be Chris!" Why the fuck would you say that if Chris did nothing to her? She sure as fuck isn't going to save anyone who hurt her and, she will NEVER save anyone who hurt her children. Which is probably why Tracy started saying that Jennifer asked someone to molest her daughter and, that they did that. If course she only started saying that AFTER John made sure that Jennifer had no memory of what had happened to her.
Apparently John put shit in her birthday cake because Brandon or, someone in his family made her eat shit. Tracy tried to file a police report on behalf of Andrea saying that Jennifer raped Andrea! Really?! As far as Je nifer knew she has never touched Andrea or, any other woman like that but, somehow she raped a woman?! Tracy, months ago came here and, told Jennifer something about falling asleep during a threesome, Jennifer just thought Tracy was a whack job since Jennifer has never had a threesome. Then, they tell Jennifer not only are they showing something that shows Jennifer falling asleep during a threesome but, that their child is saying Jennifer molested him too!
Just like well over a year ago, maybe two years ago, Tracy talked to Jennifer about how people like being hurt during sex. Jennifer though whoa that's a lot of info about Tracy. She also said something about the whip that Jennifer started hearing again! Jennifer is so fucking tired of being hurt and, being stupid enough to believe that anyone givess a fuck. Funny, Tracy could have helped Jennifer but, instead chose to tell her these things that still make no sense but, that obviously connect to something instead of helping her.
Jennifer trusted too many people and, she believes in herself. She believed that there was nothing wrong with the person she was. That whatever she liked during sex was hardly anyone's business. Now, because of whatever floated her boat is being used to get all of these people off for raping her, I won't let her come back. What people have done to that dumb bitch is way to much for anyone to ever live through.
Tracy has already admitted to making a plan, although she says that everyone was in on that plan. A plan to kill someone and, blame them for everything that you have done while, preaching to Jennifer about personal responsibility.
So, that means that everyone she trusted, wants her dead. The things she has been told are so painful and, use so many people that she truly cared about, she can not be allowed to believe anymore. Do you understand each time she let her guard down and, loved or, trusted someone she was told that person has done so many terrible things to her that she was only hurt more. None of them she believed more than Mike, Candy, Brandon and, Frank.
She has no memory of meeting Mikes brother. No memory of a lot of things and, they used that to hurt her more. She didn't recognize some people. She didn't even recognize Brandon. She did recognize Larry although she has no idea how other than he looks fairly the same.
She doesn't know most of these people anymore. She hasn't seen them in most cases 19 years or, longer. She doesn't recognize most voices and, they change their voices most of the time anymore. Then, when she lives someone or, trusts them she has to hear how they are walking away from her. How they don't live her or, how they never did. Even worse, hearing that they did but, they didn't want to be around her. How is she suppose to know what is going on. She isn't allowed to make decisions anymore. Every time she was allowed to pick who she trusted they proved how stupid she was. Each time they told her to trust her instincts, they proved she shouldn't trust herself. Everything about Jennifer was wrong. They told her that so many times that she should have believed it.
She will not be back. She should never have been born in the first place. Then none of this would have happened. She didn't even believe that this was her fault. She might have been the only one. I believe it was though. Why would her own family leave her to be abused like this if it wasn't her fault? Why would they let people accuse her of such horrific things? Why? Because she defended John, even though he is a bitch and says she didn't? She absolutely did defend him against the things Angela had said she defended him right up until she heard his voice say them. Then, they had an all out assault to get Jennifer to say the same things. When she did however, John defended her since he was here when she said that. Nobody cares about that though. Just like she kept defending Brandon and, his entire family. Nobody seems to hear that either.
Jennifer said that John never loved her. She suddenly told someone that she actually did believe lived her that same thing and, now she hears that she said it to a lot of other people. She said it to one other person. She should have kept her mouth shut. She should have known the second she gets hurt and, upset she will say things that she doesn't mean. Things she doesn't believe but, things that will cost her more than she can handle. Then, she gets to hear how they whispered to her but, it's too late and, she can't handle the pain anymore.
Why should anyone want to stay alive when people are actively doing whatever they can to hurt them? Even if it doesn't hurt for the reasons they wanted it to, it hurts to know that once again they have decided that Jennifer needed to be tested. Once again they decided that Jennifer can't be believed. Once again they prove that Jennifer living someone needs to be tested in every way possible. Who cares how insulting it is to know that they didn't believe her event though, she didn't always believe the horrible things that they said about these people. She gave the benefit of the doubt to the man she loved. She wanted to believe the good things and, they wanted to believe the bad things. They didn't want anyone to live her. They didn't want anyone to trust her. They didn't want anyone to care about her and, they told her that. They told her a lot of things and, they swear that they told her the truth. She already knew that people didn't always hear what she said and, she couldbt fully trust anything she heard. They asked her if she knew how many people the things she heard went through before she heard them! She still tried though.
Things she hears are so manipulated and, she figured out that she was never supposed to trust or, love anyone but, especially the people that she did.
She hates her own family so God damn much that she isn't sure what to do. She loved her mom and, thought they were close only to be told her mom and, step dad would make fun of her all the time. Only to listen to her mother's voice defend the step brother that not only roofied her but, raped her (multiple times if she is to believe what she has heard) and, he drugged her and, let other people into this apartment to have sex with her. She has heard that he got paid for it. When she tried to talk to her mother though, she just told her she didn't know anything.
She has been accused of being a child molester and, accused of torturing other people so much that she believes the death threats she still hears every once in a while. She believes that if she were to be homeless, the only other option besides staying where she is clearly being abused, she will be murdered. That doesn't matter now but, it did. She was stupid enough to have believed her family would help her. She didn't want to move in with someone else. She didn't want to become a burden to people. She wanted to prove that these people lied about her and, that she could be ok. Once she had a plan in her mind though, once she had started to think of ways that she could move forward and, prove that she could be a person and, a partner to the right person, prove she could be a friend and, that she wasn't using anyone, the abuse became worse!
She is hurt each time someone says she used them. She tried to take care of things herself and, she hated being told that someone felt like she used them. She even tried to no ask her mother for any money even though they blocked every other way she had to make money. She kept trying to prove she wasn't anything like they said. She tried to be fair but, the deck was stacked against her so badly she couldn't take anymore.
This person is moving in with their life. Ok. I had hoped that I would have been part of one life but, now I am not allowed to even say their name so fuck it. Each and, every God damn person that stupid bitch cared about, she didn't even have to live them, was moving on with their life. EVERY SINGLE ONE. Funny how Angela Tracjveski was so pissed off at EVERYONE IN THIS GROUP for moving on without her! Over and fucking over she said that but, just keep punishing Jennifer for shit that dumb bitch said.
Jennifer has no future now. No hope for a normal life. She doesn't believe that there are many people that believe her. She keeps being told that she "lost" this person or, that person. How people don't believe her. How she has to be with someone and, that she isn't allowed to chose who she wants to be with. She simply has to sit here and, be told what to say, who to love, how to feel, what to believe, how to act. She isn't going to be allowed to do that anymore.
She has been hurt in every way possible and, she will not be trying again. She will not get her hopes up again. She will not be allowed to care anymore. She is only hurting people by caring. She is allowing others to be hurt by living them. She will not be allowed to come back. She isn't going to be hurt anymore.
She was stupid to have hoped that people would believe her. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. The amount of times her fat hairy rapist step brother laughs at her for believing anything good has proven to her that she shouldn't fucking care. He roofied her, that much she remembered all in her own. Nobody cares though. He makes fun of her for caring about people that either hate her or, raped her. Yet, like John, if she asks him about any of this, he just lies to her. Why people thought it would be a good idea to lie to someone who already can't remember what happened to them is bullshit. How is that a good idea. Now, it's been over three and a half years. There is no hope left for her. How could her own family let this go on and in like this? They just say they wanted to prove to her that she can't pick a good man. That she can't tell when people hate her. That she keeps trusting the wrong people.
They let her grow close to some of these people. They had her believing that some of these people actually gave a shit about her. Only to prove once again how stupid she is. How nobody could ever really care about her. This has happened so many times that she no longer could tell fact from fiction. She just kept being so twisted up and manipulated that she felt like nobody cared. She felt like nobody believes her. They just kept being allowed to hurt her.
Why?
Why didn't she matter to people? Why was she allowed to be so badly abused that she finally had no choice left but, to give up. Why were they allowed to hurt her? Why didn't anyone want to be around her and, talk to her about what was real and, what wasn't? Why were they allowed to use her children to kill her? The only answer she was ever given was so Tracy wouldn't have to lose time with Sophia. If I am dead I will never get Sophia or, Alex back and, then I can't cut people trying to kill me out of my children's lives.
Now though, even Jennifer doesn't care. Even she doesn't want to be alive. Even she realizes that she was a happy ge mistake. Even she knows that people will pretend to love her. They will never believe she loves them and, they will never be able to match their words with anything real. Even Jennifer knows now there is no longer a way to get anyone to care about her. Even she knows it is time for her to die. Even she is ready.
There will never be a way to get over the pain of all of this. Never be a way for her to ever believe that anyone has ever or will ever care about her. Nobody could live something like her. Nobody is going to be able to convince her that she matters. No Ody will ever get her to believe that she should be alive.
Marrying John Butterfield and, being exposed to this insanity while he proves he doesn't give a fuck and, that he never fucking did finally killed her. She begged him for help and, all he did was lie to her and, hurt her more. Maybe if she hadn't believed he lived her for so long things could have been different. Maybe if she realized sooner that he never cared and, that he would always lie to her she could have found help. It is too late now. She didn't do anything except fight with him, something they controlled like they did everything else about her. It doesn't matter though. Nothing about her ever did. She was nothing more than a puppet and, they are tired of playing with her.
She can't survive and, she doesn't want to. She hates being alive. Hates being hurt. Hates trusting or, loving anyone. She is sick of being manipulated. Suck if her own family proving that nobody gives a shit about her. She doesn't give a shit about herself anymore either. What would be the point? So they can hurt her more?
She should never have been born. Angela Tracjveski tried to explain that to her but, she believed people cared about her. She believed people would have believed her. Instead they used all the things Angela told her from the beginning to prove that she was right about the person Jennifer was. They all tell Jennifer the same things. A group of people this big would t all same the same things about someone unless they were all true.
They wanted her to change. They have hurt her so badly she is afraid to think. She is afraid to be alive. She doesn't want to be someone else but, she had to become Angela. They made sure of it. They even proved that they knew what Angela had done, they just wanted to kill me and, protect her. She wanted the world to know she is the better woman and, even though I didn't care and, told her many times she was better than I am, she had to prove it. She said she had to prove to John and, everyone else that she is better than me and, now she has.
Jennifer no longer wants to be alive. What would be the point? For the rest of her life she will never feel good enough. She will never believe anything good. She will forever be afraid that at any moment for any reason people will abandon her, just like they have for the last five plus years. She will always know how easy she is to abandon. How easy and fun it is to hurt her. How funny it is to abuse her to death. She will always know that people, including her own family, tortured her and, how worthless she is to everyone. She will always be afraid that people are fucking with her head. She will always know that she can't trust herself. She doesn't want to try anymore. There is too much damage. Maybe if she had been able to remember and, they weren't allowed to cause her more confusion with all their lies and, manipulation maybe then she could have figured out how to survive. Instead, she kept telling the truth and, being told that people hoped it hurt. Fuck you Tracy. Since Jennifer told Tracy, after years of abuse that she hoped it hurt and the stupid fucking hag that tortured her to death couldn't handle it so everyone had to fucking say it to Jennifer. Fuck this life.