I Told The Truth

Quite a few times I have heard someone admit that. They sound like they are patiently explaining, while throwing it in people's face, that I told the truth about everything. Just a few minutes ago, when I heard that yet again, I spoke up only to be told that they hadn't said anything yet. The response of the speaker who didn't speak was, they hope I get arrested now! If it wasn't that person, it was someone who had been working close with them! 

How can someone admit over and, over that I told the truth and, I still take the blame? Even if their are still people on my side, I just don't care anymore. I don't have to keep being tortured. I don't have to listen to people I adore get pissed off at me for not knowing when it is my kids or, not. It wasn't my kids voice but, hey, it's my fault! It's always my fucking fault. Guess what, I don't care anymore. I just give the fuck up. 

There is nothing that I have left to live for anyways. They have done everything they can to keep me away from my kids and, now they have pushed me so fucking far that I won't ever be myself again. 

Now, I am glad that nobody cared enough to talk to me in person. A few cared enough to try, they just didn't care enough to understand what I have been trying to tell them. Even my mom didn't fucking give a shit. I am done trying. Don't ever believe that anyone cares about you, especially if you are anything like me. You will be shown that no matter what people say, it's only the had things that are true. It s only the pain that is real. They only care because it will hurt you more when you find out they lied. Everyone turned out to be like John! It figures.

I know, I know, it's all my fault. Like always. If I had only done everything they demanded maybe they would have been able to find a reason to be around me. Probably not though. Maybe they would have been able to tolerate whatever thing I am. Maybe they could have explained why I had to be tortured to death. Even better, maybe they could have stopped. I however, did not comply with their every fucking demand, so they abuse continued until I couldn't give a fuck anymore. Why bother? Every day is if not the same then, worse than the day before.

Who gives a shit though? Why bother to try to understand anything I say? I am just a "piss miserable fat pig bitch" and, thats all people see when they look at me. It doesn't matter that they have hurt me so badly I can't care anymore. I can't survive anymore. If I say that though, I am just a fucking liar. 

It's been over five God damn years. Nothing is getting better. It's my fault. I wasn't perfect. I didn't follow their rules so, they continue to lie about me and, people continue to hate me, even though one second I am gaining some traction and, hope, the next it is gone. Now, it's gone for fucking good.

My kids are gone for good. Why? Because people are selfish cunts. Plain and, simple. Oh, well. I wasn't worth my own family giving a shit. I have said so many fucking times that I do not trust my Uncles. In fact, there were several people I didn't trust. 

I was just told that they used to trust me but, then I started lying! Well now, that makes perfect sense. Let's see, I was a happy person that lived life. I had two kids that I lived more than anyone will ever fucking know. But, just like I was told in the beginning, it has come to the point where I will never see them again! Just like everything else they told me. They can predict the future, that's for fucking sure. EVERY SINGLE THING THEY SAID HAS HAPPENED! IT'S LIKE THEY HAVE DONE THIS BEFORE.

I told the fucking truth yet, I died anyways. Now that, even though it wasn't my son's voice, I am called a liar and, like every other day, I am told I lost him forever. My daughter is with Tracy and, I can't trust anyone so, I am more than likely not going to see her again either. I get to see her for about four hours each time she is here to visit. Unless, I get lucky and, John is able to take me with him when he goes to his mother's. It was proof enough to me when I heard her say earlier that John spends more time with her so, I am the one that has to turn myself in or, be arrested. 

What makes me so sad is, why pretend to care? If you are setting me up like, John and, Tracy obviously have been, I didn't gaslight John but, he sure as fuck has accused me of that! "You are trying to alter what I know is real Jennifer, that is called gaslighting!" No, asshole, I am just telling you the truth!

Why pretend to love me then, stop believing me? It's not really a surprise, it just hurts. Hurts to think that someone I trusted and, this guy if as a friend. Someone I was stupid enough to trust, fucked me over. Everyone is the same anymore. Say one thing but, it's never how they feel. It wasn't bad enough for John to be the kind of man that makes women afraid of other men but, to know they are all the same.

It's me though. LOL No it isn't. Why would I start lying? How would that even make sense? What would be the point? I didn't want to die. Even though survive is not expected and, long term survival is non existent, I kept trying. I wish now that I hadn't. 

I feel so guilty that my life was used to kill people and, my life was used to set people up. Since I am wrong about everything in life and, they certainly go out of their way to prove how stupid I am, I don't want to keep trying.

I trusted myself for too long. I knew for a while they did everything they could to prove I couldn't trust myself. They kept telling me how am I hurt if I could still trust myself? Now, too late I realize that they didn't stop. I trusted myself enough to believe a person they told me was "real." For the first time in five years they let someone be real and, I trusted him. I didn't want to be with him in the way they all believe I did. I am genuinely in love with someone who doesn't want me. Someone who almost got stuck with this thing! 

I don't want to be alive anymore. All my life is doing is giving people an excuse to kill other people. She even thought it was funny and, when I asked what was funny that is what she told me! "I am killing people but, they are all so worried about what you are doing, I got away with it!" They tell me that nobody is sabatoging me. That everyone wants me off drugs. Not everyone. Some people are more than happy to keep me on drugs. Not so I won't get my children back but, so they don't have to stop doing everything they are doing. 

Let's be honest and, logical for just a minute. On what planet is being a drug addict worse than being a DOMESTIC TERRORIST? That is exactly what the people doing this to me are. Cold hard facts, they are domestic terrorists who have hurt thousands of people, killed people. They are the people that attacked the diplomates in Havana and, elsewhere. There is more than enough proof of that. Seems like they might have a fairly good reason to not only want me to remain on drugs and, to do everything they can to make sure nobody is paying attention to them. What do I know though?! NOT A FUCKING THING.

Seems strange my own family would be ok with me being tortured. They had no problem lying to me about being raped, kidnapped, left with no memory of the things that were done to me. At first I didn't believe it when people told me I was raped. Wouldn't I feel it? Wouldn't there be signs on my body?! For a while, I didn't even know they were talking about me! Now though, I have learned that I am "missing" a lot of time. I heard someone say, only one time was this something I heard, "maybe that's when she was in the hospital?" WHEN WAS I IN THE HOSPITAL?! WHEN I HAD MY CHILDREN. 2009 AND 2016! OTHER THAN THISE TWO TIMES, I HAVE BEEN TO THE ER BUT, NEVER, NOT ONCE ADMITTED. WHEN WAS I IN THE HOSPITAL?! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!  

The missing time is a big thing to me, to so many others it is just a tiny blip. I heard that my jaw was broken but, no worries they think it was just dislocated! When I fully understand just how badly John has been lying to me, a long with his mother punishing me for saying no to sex with him and, her parting words of "next time he asks it will be rape!" I told him that he raped me. I am not allowed to say no, saying yes is almost as bad. He told me he has never raped me. That I wouldn't even make his "list of women he would rape" if he had a list of course. He then proceeded to tell me that tape was being fucked while being violently punched in the face and, head! Did that happen to me?! 

I have heard there is a recording of it. Why has everyone but me seen it? They tell me I wasn't raped. That I wanted it as much as my brother did! These people are the ones that told me I was raped in the first fucking place! Over and, over and, over. Until I was crying, begging them to stop, I couldn't stand that word anymore. John, who I have been told is the one that did that to me, even though it was my voice people heard, comes here and, tells me things he wants to do to me then, they tell me that it was already done! When I try to talk to him about this though, he just makes fun of me. He even told me brother to call the police because, I am hearing voices of people who aren't real, people who aren't here! He calls me Looney Bin Jenn, LBJ! He treats me like shit and, is beyond abusive. Of course, to most of the world, I am the abuser! 

How my own mother can refuse to help me when she must know that I am being murdered by these people, that hurts too. John was yelling at me once, a long tirade about how he cut his face and, on and, on. I heard my mom,bwho swears she knows nothing, say "that's enough Jen!" What the fuck, I wasn't the one saying anything. I wasn't thinking anything either. It's been a very long time since I was able to think. My mind used to be filled with thoughts. Thoughts about my kids, the future, if we needed napkins or, not. Everything, all the time. Now, nothing. They have said they blocked the receptors in my brain and, for a while if my brain reacted strangely or, normally but, in a way they didn't like I would hear "I thought you fixed that?!" During the first spring that I could hear them. Towards summertime. I heard someone say that they "poked John's brain. They poked Sophia's brain but, they hate me so much, thet poked at my brain twice as much as theirs combined." 

Angela and, her obsession with John l, something she has admitted. The most recent admission was how she did this to Andrea to keep her away from John! Angela made John a chocolate muffin once. It was on the dashboard of the car. He stopped to get cigarettes and, Sophia was hungry. The muffin had a little note from Angela but, I didn't know her and, was unaware of her insanity. I asked John if Soph could have that muffin. When Angela Tracjveski found out Sophia are that muffin, she freaked out. Same as when she found out that the kids, Sophia for sure, drank the juice that was apparently only for John! As if being a family and, sharing was a strange thing to her! I know she drugged me several times when we lived in Carson City, NV. She would play this stupid game to see who knew John better and, somehow it ended badly every time. I heard her, at least once, say she had to send John home because I was having a bad trip. I have only eaten one small piece of a mushroom and, it did nothing. Someone I trusted told me I had to be in the right frame of mind and, surrounded by calm and, that it probably wasn't for me so, I never tried it. I have also never done iv drugs and, because of advice I got starting in childhood, I would never let someone inject me EVER. I am especially cautious of needles. No matter where I am. I make sure that they come out of their package and, I would never, under any circumstance, for any reason use a dirty needle. I am saying this because, I have heard that I let myself be injected with a dirty needle. I am guessing another reason I need to appear to be a junkie even though, I am a drug addict, I am not one that uses IV drugs. I have been trying to quit and, they have admitted to sabatoging me. I just keep hearing that nobody believed even them. 

There are so many things that I hear about myself that, are not who I am. There's a lot that are who I am as well. I have flaws, some big ones. I listened to the advice I was given from my family. Advice I have been given since childhood. The only exception is, I do not have Bactine in my first aid kit. I did, I just don't now. 

It would have been helpful to have been able to have someone who cared enough to give me a hug when I hear these things instead of John, who simply told me how disgusting I was to think some of these things up. Since I don't trust many people, it took me a long time to break down around people that I know have tried to help me. They were not allowed to say anything to help me though. I heard someone threaten their grandchild. "Do you want to lose the other one?!" Because they helped me and, kept me safe and, I felt like I was home when I was with them, something I didn't really feel when I lived with John, they paid a high price. Much higher than I have paid. Each time I am around them and, I am happy or, they talk to me or, they don't treat me like shit and, make fun of me, they are punished and, their family has also been punished. That is how these people, this group works. If you disobey, they not only punish you, they punish people you love. They have hurt the people I love. 

I have heard that I told each person that hurt me, raped me, that I loved them! I rarely tell my mom or, my grandmother's that I love them. In fact the only people I make sure to tell I love them are my kids. John and, Anthony, my last two husbands, I told them I loved them more than I ever had anyone else. I am normally more reserved and, standoffish. Lately, I have heard I say a lot. A LOT, LOT! Since I, like most other normal people with normal lives, don't record every second of my life, the demands to prove it are impossible for me. If someone has my back, thank you. I am usually only allowed to hear the shit things and, because of that, the good things I hear have become almost impossible to believe. 

The month of August 2019 and, several dates after have been blamed on so many people, it is hard for me to understand why. I have been told that John treats me the way he does because, he had to protect his family. Along with, he is abusing me for my own good. John treats me better than I deserve! I guess pretending to be other people for our entire relationship, making fun of me for hearing these people, swearing he doesn't hear anyone or, anything, cheating on me, lying to me about things that I was a part of and, making me feel like I am crazy is better than I deserve. I certainly look and, sound crazy. It would have been nice to know what the fuck is going on. Just because my family knows what all of this is, I didn't have a clue. I didn't know people could see me until they forced me to hear them.

I don't know what anyone else hears but, I am sick of negativity, drama, lies and, everything else. If you have a problem with me why couldn't you just come to me and, talk to me? It seems like that would have been more effective. 

"When is she going to kill herself? This gaslighting is taking forever!" "If you live your kids, you will kill yourself immediately!" "Kill yourself or, we will kill your kids!" "Both of your children will kill themselves before they are 18 if you don't stop using!" "How does it feel to know your daughter was molested and, their is nothing you can do about it?" Almost all of those were said long before John went to prison! "When was he in prison?" He was arrested January 21, 2020 and, was released in August of 2022. He swears he did not get out early, other than early because he received time credits. 

I don't know what the fuck is going on. They constantly tell me to "trust my husband" and, since John has refused to sign divorce paperwork and, I believed for a long time that this was my fault, I kept letting him come back. He would tell me things like he is the only person who cares about me, the only person that shows up for me, how my family hates me and, how my brother wants to kill me or, pour boiling water on me. My family swears they don't know anything and, that if I believe people are hurting me I need to check myself in so, it is easy to believe they hate me. What I hear is so controlled that I don't know how much of what I hear is true. I know they manipulate almost everything I hear. I am tired of trying to explain to people that I didn't know something they swear they talked to me about. Conversations that I did not have. They have hurt me badly and, I can't take anymore. My daughter is with these people who have been trying to kill me. I hear Tracy telling my mom that I have been brainwashed but, that isn't true. Tracy took over for Angela. They have said from the beginning that I had to die. I am supposed to take the fall for all of the things they have done. After I kill myself, they would tell people I killed myself out of guilt for doing this to people and, that the rest of these people HELPED ME TORTURE THEM! 

I have been trying to say this for a long time but, who knows if anyone is aware how terrifying this has become. John will show up and, accuse me of things he has done to me while he swears that he has never done anything to hurt me! When I spoke up the first time, John threatened to kill me. It doesn't matter now, they already have done everything they can to hurt me. I am afraid they will hurt others, like they have been. 

Some of the things they have done to me have caused me to become so depressed I can't keep fighting for my life. I am sorry. I just can't. I can't force anyone to believe me. I can only hope that there are people who are also telling the truth and who have a way to prove things that I can't. I just can't handle this anymore. I am kept in a place where I can't always understand who I am talking to or, who is on my side. One minute I hear good things, the next terrible things usually from the same voice.

I have learned to trust some people and, I am grateful to them for their patience and, help. I have heard many times that these people hate me. It feels like they do. I miss my kids and, I am tired of being told that I don't think about them every two minutes. From some people I can understand why they are say this. Other people, it's simply done to hurt me. Sometimes thousands of times a day they say my daughters name while, they almost never talk about my son. The ratio is about 80/20 now. From the beginning I was told to "keep my son off her radar!" To know that my son feels that his sister is my priority, the whole thing hurts. They tell my kids to kill themselves because, they still love me when I talk to them and, even if they don't antmore, the fear is there. I am sorry that this is how things are. 

I am a lot of shitty things but, a liar isn't one of them.