I HOPE IT HURT!

I have said what I remember. I have heard someone say that they were told I can't remember anything but, I have said from the time I "woke up." That I remembered bits and, pieces. 

It is very clear that I can't make them stop killing me. 

This whole thing is so terrible. They have proven though, without a doubt, nothing they do makes a difference. It is how I react to them. That is made clear by the fact they say anything and, everything they can to hurt me with no conscience or, concern. I say one thing and, then say I hope it hurt ONE TIME, TO TRACY and, they repeat it back a billion times. So, I guess it hurt!

They continue to call me a liar and, tell me they don't believe I have little memory of chunks of time where they hurt me so badly. Now, all of a sudden, they believe me! What the fuck is going on? 

I wish so badly someone, anyone at this point, could have talked to me in person about this. Nobody has come to investigate and, the people who told me they could hear this, when I went back to them, they denied hearing this and, denied all knowledge.

I don't know most of these people anymore and, I don't recognize them. I haven't seen them in over ten years. There are very few I know now. 

I am afraid of most people. I don't want to die but, I am sick of being made fun of and, lied to. 

I am sorry that I am the thing I am. Sorry that I am so depressed that I am having a difficult time being able to take care of myself and, asking for help they made sure that I know that is not allowed.

Nobody is allowed to love me and, I am only allowed to love my children. I loved and, they control what they hear the same as they control what I hear. I can't keep trying. They decide who I am allowed to be with. They control everything and, it would seem everyone. I don't want to live like this. I can't understand why people don't realize just how much they actually control us all.

I miss being happy. I miss laughing. I miss my kids and, feeling alive. I miss being a person. 

They tell me nobody stands up because, nobody wants to end up like me. 

I didn't want to end up like this either. I am sorry that so many people hate me. I can't understand why people would want to do this to others. Why can't we just be who we are, make our own choices, be happy? 

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