I Have No Life Left

I can not try anymore. They have completely taken away my reality. There is no point in trying anymore. There is no point in begging for help from anyone anymore.

I have no way to know if anything I have heard for over five years is true other than the one person who said they don't respond to my messages anymore. That sentence was obviously true since, they don't respond to my messages anymore.

They made sure I knew they were real people, not in my head. Then played so many mind games with me that I can no longer survive. I am not sure what to do. There isn't anyone I can turn to since I have heard the voices of almost everyone I have ever known. The fact that I was told that I would always wonder if someone I meet did this to me has made things much worse.

They have terrorized me and, I am told my family gave them money and, knew what they have been doing. My own mother gave people trying to kill me, who say they molested my daughter and, have been torturing both of my children as well, money. A lot of money.

Everything Angela said had to be true. They blame an Angela I wasn't aware of but, it wasn't her. It was Angela Tracjveski. Without a doubt. She wanted me to know it was her. She wanted me to know she destroyed my "perfect" family and, there was nothing I could do about it. She wanted John back and, was determined to get what belonged to her! She was positive that John "would think she was so sexy for everything she did to get him back!" She has tried to blame a lot of people and, I guess a lot of people helped her but, she is the only person that said that. 

I can't begin to understand what the fuck is real and, what was done fucked up way to terrorize me and, anyone that might have ever cared about me. It doesn't matter now. I have no Ody I can ask. Nobody who wants to be around me and, I do not want to live not knowing how to determine fact from their fiction.

Everything I just heard makes me sick to my stomach and, as far as I am told, they are all under oath still from the Grand Jury they said they were all at. They made a big deal out of that so, if that was real they are all in contemot of court or, they have finally killed me and, to make sure Angela Tracjveski was right about everything, they killed a lot of other people too. The most horrific part, my family paid them to do it and, with their money, helped cover it up.

Either way, my family has been in on a plan to terrorize me to death. My own family has lied to me much that I have no family to turn to. I remember enough to believe that the things they said they did to me were things they actually did! Why else would John l, who Angela said had AIDS and, whose own mother has said she injected him, me and, my daughter with HIV/AIDS because she is clearly psychotic, like John said she was and, Angela had to be right about everything. 

Nobody I asked was able to talk to me about any of this. I heard someone I thought I could trust, saying last night that my own Uncle raped me. He acted like it was funny. They say they have recordings that they show but, I have never been allowed to see anything. I am only allowed to hear the way people react to whatever they show!

They say things like "Do you know him in real life?" but this is my real life. This isn't some joke or, web series, since they act like there are commercials and, they have said shit like that. I am not a ventriloquist either, something else they have said. THIS IS MY REAL LIFE. THESE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TEYING TO KILL NE AND, IT FINALLY WORKED!

I have begged for help and, I thought people were trying to help me but, as it turns out, nobody can help me now. 

They keep saying they were trying to get me off drugs. By terrorizing me and, removing my reality! How would that get someone off drugs.

I have asked John about some of the things I have heard. He makes fun of me or, tells me I am disgusting for thinking something like whatever I asked him about up. I get tortured if I kick him out for what he has been doing to me and, told I have to take him back. He tells me he is my only protection from my own brother who they say drugs me and, rapes me while I am drugged. I know he is the one that gave me the drink that was roofied in August 2021. I hear him admitting it once in a while but, he says it like it's a joke. I am afraid everything they have admitted is something they have done. I was told if Angela Tracjveski said she did it, even if she said it like a joke, it is something she did! 

I think my own family helped kill me and, my daughter!

"DO YOU KNOW WHY SHE CALLS IT A GASLIGHTING? SHE INTENDS TO TAKE AWAY YOUR REALITY"

I can't beg for help anymore. I have begged for so long and, in person everyone, even people who at one point said they could hear this, denied all knowledge. I hear those same people this way but, in person they lie to me. I have had no choice but, to learn to trust some of these people. I actually loved a few of these people! People that didn't want me in person. They told me I was only worth loving at a distance and, now that I have been conditioned to trust what I hear this way more than what I am told in normal ways, my life is over. 

I loved one of these men so much that I would not have believed any evidence they showed me, not that they ever did, against him. Now, I don't think I would believe any evidence that proved they are lying about the things they have said over the last two hours or so 

I heard someone last night say that I was the only one not under oath, since they kept me drugged and, captive during the time the Grand Jury was in session, at least that is what they have told me and, I am the only one that has been telling the truth. 

Maybe there is hope that John and, a woman he had an affair with who said she has been doing whatever she had to to keep me away from her family, didn't put any of the things that they both admit to into a bottle of oil that John used on me. I didn't believe the things I had heard, despite hearing that woman beg her brother to go and get that bottle for her! Wouldn't my own mother have said something to me instead of telling me she didn't know anything? Instead of telling me if I thought people were hurting me I needed to check myself in?! Didn't my own mother love me and, want me to live? I guess not.

Without help and, having someone I could go back to if I had questions, without a single person left in my life that I can trust, I am dead no matter what parts were real and, what weren't.

Now, John has admitted to refusing to divorce me and, I can only guess that this is part of the reason he has done everything he could to alter my reality in person, as opposed to doing it this way because, there was someone who did care about me and, wanted to help me. I am not sure what to believe there but, I do know Angela was upset because John married me. From what I have heard, a lot of people were upset but, John knew all of this and, I didn't. 

They, including John, have lied to me so much that I would need so much help at this point just to understand what the last five plus years of my life were. I would need help to untangle the web that everyone else is aware of. I am just going to have to guess that if I had people who wanted me to survive, they would be here now. So far, it sounds like everyone has been doing this but, telling me what the others were doing. Why would people want me to believe what I hear this way and, not what someone is saying right in front of me? It definitely made it easier to make me crazy and, make it so I wouldn't be able to keep trying to tell people what is being done since, I am just crazy.

I have to admit that they have proven how stupid I am. Incredibly stupid. Unable to be a person long enough to prove I should be allowed to live and, that I am worth caring about. The truth did nothing but, make people doubt me and, hate me. 

"Stop doing drugs!" Another demand, one I have complied with before. Each demand I have complied with before has made things worse. At what point do I just try to live my life as myself. When does my life become mine and, not theirs to control as though I am their puppet? They don't seem to mind being controlled by each other since, they can in turn control each other but, I thought it was ok to be myself. 

I wanted to live a happy life. One where I could be the person that I am. The person that I am meant to be. That is not going to ever happen. No matter what choice I am make, I will no longer make my own decisions. I will never again have someone who supports me emotionally and, cheers me on to do the things that make me, me. How is that living? I will always know that my children are suffering the same fate as I am because, I couldn't get anyone to understand how wrong all of this is. They are proud to be your "inner voice" and, no matter how well their intentions are, nobody will ever be able to be you. 

We no longer celebrate what is unique to ourselves. We are simply a clone of the one that controls us. We do as we are told and, we don't even know that someone else is in control. 

Nobody wants me to be around them. I am not good enough. I am not going to argue the point. We all care about people differently. After over five years and, people flat out admitting they are sabotaging me and, my own family has written me off, I needed to know that there were still people who knew I was a person. I just needed to know that someone who said they cared was real. Hope. As always "if someone cared they would be here" and, that sadly is true. I have tried like hell to be there for people I cared about. Tried like hell to be there for my children and, that was something my own family wouldn't let me do. Instead, John enjoys taunting me with my daughter. I wouldn't have let her be around him or, anyone else trying to kill me and, they use that as a reason to keep her from me! 

Anyone I believed cared about me, they ended up not wanting to be around me or, not caring about me pretty quickly. I am told I am not worth caring about. Like John, some of them even gave me to someone else. They get upset if I say anything that makes them seem similar and, I'm "on my own now!" Love is shown differentkt by everyone. I am not able to understand the way someone loved me I guess. They didn't want me to know who they were, they didn't want to be around me, they tell me how I am not worth loving or, that they were being abused for caring about me. Everything about me, the person they loved, made them not want me around. I became too abused to be loved. That is the only explanation. I have to learn to accept that someone who was so easy to love, laugh with, trust, share my children with is someone who didn't want me. I am not going to get over the sting of losing the last two men I lost. Even though, they didn't believe me and, one didn't want me around them. Maybe I am too stupid.