I HATE BEING ALIVE

FUCK LIFE. ALL PEOPLE DO IS BLAME ME AND DEFEND PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN KILLING ME. 

I DONT WANT TO BE ALIVE ANYMORE. THERE IS NOBODY WHO CAN HELP ME. NOBODY EVEN CARES. I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. IM NOT A PERSON, IT WAS OK TO KILL ME. EVEN MY OWN FAMILY WANTED ME TO DIE. 

I HATE EVERY SINGLE PERSON I CAN HEAR. ALL THEY DO IS BLAME ME AND, I DIDNT DO ANYTHING. 

THEY HURT ME SO BADLY THEN PRETEND THAT PEOPLE RESCUED ME. NOBODY RESCUED ME. NOBODY WOULD CARE ABOUT ME THAT MUCH.

THEY TELL ME NOBODY WOULD HELP ME BECAUSE I AM A DRUG ADDICT THEN TELL ME TO KEEP PRETENDING THIS IS ABOUT DRUGS.  NOBODY BELIEVES ME. NOBODY CARES. NOBODY WANTS ME AROUND. I KEEP BEING ACCUSED OF SHIT I NEVER DID. 

PEOPLE DONT CARE BECAUSE THEY HEARD MY VOICE DOING THIS OR, THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT ME BECAUSE THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR THEM TO HANDLE. DIDNT OCCUR TO THEM TO HELP ME? NOPE THEY JUST HATE ME AND, WANT ME TO DIE.

JOHN LIED TO ME ABOUT EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING I ASKED HIM. HE LIED WHEN HE ANSWERED. EVERY MEMORY HE SHARED WITH ME WAS A LIE. HE DEFENDED HIS MOTHER AND, HIS FAMILY AND TOLD ME THIS WAS ALL IN MY HEAD. I HATE HIM BECAUSE OF THIS AND WHAT HE HELPED DO TO MY LIFE. I HATE HIM FOR EVERY LIE HE TOLD ME. I HATE HIM FOR EVERYTHING HE IS. SINCE EVERYONE ELSE HATES ME AND, IT IS CLEAR EVEN THOUGH I GAVE EVERYONE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT, NOBODY COULD DO ANYTHING TO HELP ME.

I AM SICK OF BEGGING FOR HELP. SICK OF BEING THREATENED. SICK IF BELIEVING THAT I WAS A PERSON WHEN I NEVER WAS. ACCUSED OF SO MANY THINGS THAT I DIDNT DO. I AM TIRED OF DEFENDING PEOPLE WHO ONLY HURT ME. FUCK LIFE 

I AM SICK OF MY KIDS BEING USED TO HURT ME. EVERYONE KEEPS HURTING ME. I WAS STUPID HAVE EVER CARED ABOUT ANYONE. I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. I HATE MYSELF FOR EVEN TRYING. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. THEY ALL WANTED  ME TO DIE. 

WHY WOULD I BE PUNISHED FOR DEFENDING PEOPLE ONLY TO BE HURT AND TOLD THAT I ACCUSED THEM? WHY WOULD I LOVE SOMEONE YET, TRY TO HURT THEIR FAMILY? I DON'T DO THINGS LIKE THAT. THEY WERE THE LAST PEOPLE THAT I COULD HEAR THAT BROUGHT ANT KIND OF HAPPINESS. ALL IF THEM. WHY WOULD I ACCUSE THEM? DOESNT MATTER NOW 

EACH TIME I DEFENDED SOMEONE THEY ENDED UP HATING ME. FINE, HATE ME. HOW STUPID OF ME TI HAVE EVER BELIEVED ANYONE COULD CARE ABOUT ME. I GIVE UP. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I CANT SURVIVE. NOBIDY WAS WHO THEY SAID THEY WERE. NOBODY CARES, THEY ALL PRETENDED. THEY ALL BLAME ME. THEY ALL SAY I SAID OR DID THINGS THAT WERE DONE TO ME. I HATE PEOPLE. I HATE MYSELF EVEN MORE. 

I BEGGED FOR HELP. PEOPLE PRETENDED THEY RESCUED ME BEFORE, THEY PRETENDED THEY CARED BUT NOBODY DID. THEY ALL KEEP BLAMING ME. ALL THIS YIME I TRIED TO BELIEVE YHE FEW GOOD THINGS I HEARD AND, THEY WERE ALL FAKE. NOBODY CARED. EVEN MY OWN FAMILY HATED ME AND, WANTS ME TO DIE. THEY BLAME ME FOR YHINGS I DIDNT DO TOO. EVEN THEY TELL ME I AM GOING TO BE ARRESTED. FOR WHAT? FIR BEING TORTURED TO DEATH. FOR TELLING THE FUCKING TRUTH. FOR BEING A USED TO DEATH.

THEY WILL HEVER STIP GURTING ME. THEY WILL NEVER STOP ABUSING ME. THEY HAVE KILLED ME AND, NOBODY WOULD EVEN TALK TO ME IN PERSON ABOUT ALL OF THIS. 

THEY PRETEND THERE IS AN INVESTIGATION. THEY HAVE PRETENDED THAT FOR OVER FIVE YEAR'S. THEY TELL ME EVERY GOD DAMN DAY TO KILL MYSELF. ECERYONE I HAVE EVER ASKED TELLS ME THEY DONT KNOW ANYTHING. EVEN PEOPLE WHO HAVE SAID THEY CAN GEAR THIS THEN TELL ME THEY CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING.

OEOPLE I TRUSTED, PEOPLE I LOVED. MY ISN FAMILY, MY IN LAWS. THERE ISNT A SINGLE PERSON I CAN TRUST. I HAVE NOBODY. TOLD I DID THIS TO SOMEONE TO KEEP THEM AWAY FROM SOMEONE I LOVE. I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO THIS. I DIDNT DO THIS YO ANYONE. I CANT EVEN SEE ANYONE. I AM NOT THAT KIND OF PERSON. NOT THAT IT MATTERS NOW. 

THEY ALL THINK THEY KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR ME. THEY ALL THINK THAT CONTROLLING ME AND TELLING JE WHO I KIVE ABD EHO I SHOULD EANT IR SHAT I WANT FOR MY LIFE IS OK. IT DOESNT MATTER NOW BUT, I JUST WANTED TO LOVE THE PEREON I LOVE AND SHARE A HAPPY LIFE WITH THEM. I DIDNT CARE IF WE WERE POOR, HOMELESS IR, ANYTHING ELSE. I SIMPLY LOVED THEM. NOW, I HAVE TO DIE 

I AM NEVER GOING TO WANT TO LIVE AGAIN. I DO NIT WANT ANYINE TI BE IN MY LIFE EVER AGAIN. I HATE MTSELF FIR BELIEVING ANYONE CARED IN THE FIRST PLACE.  CALL THIS PERSON OR, CALL THAT PERSON. WHY? BECAUSE I DONT LIKE TO BE IN YHE PHONE? BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THAT PERSON'S PHONE NUMBER? BECAUSE ANGELA T. FRIM CARSON CITY, NV. 3129 STONEWALL DRIVE. THE ONLY ANGELA I EVER ACCUSED IF DOING THIS TO ME AND MY CHILDREN. BECAUSE SHE WOULD CALL PEOPLE NON STOP UNTIL THEY COULDNT STAND TO HEAR THEIR OWN PHONE RING WOULD CALL PEOPLE. I WORKED A LOT ON THE PHONES, I DONT LIKE BEING ON YHE PHONE.

NOT ONCE HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD ME, IN PERSON WHERE I WOULD AT LEAST KNOW EXACTLY WHO I AM TALKING TO AND, IF WHAT I AM HEARING IS WHAT THEY ARE SAYING. NOT ONCE. I HAVE BEEN LEFT AT THE MERCY OF PEOPLE WHO HATE ME. OF PEOPLE I INCE LOVED AND, BELIEVED THEY LOVE D ME.  NOW IT IS CLEAR, NOBODY FELT HOW THEY PRETENDED TO.

THEY ALL WANT TO BLAME ME AND, I DIDNT BLAME ANYONE BUT, TRACY, ANGRLA AND, JOHN FOR LYING TO ME. I TURNED IN OEOPLE BASED ON WHAT I HEARD AND, JOHNS BLESSING. IT DIDNT MATTER. THEY WOULD JUST PUNISH MY KIDS WHEN I TURNED THEM IN. 

NOTHING MATTERS NOW. THEY PUNISH ME FOR THINGS ANGELA TRACJVESKI DID. NOBIDY BELIEVED THAT I DIDNT DO ANYTHING. I WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE NOT ON THE APPROVED LIST AND, NOW I JUST DONT CARE ANYMORE. NOBODY BELIEVED ME ANYWAYS.

I HAVE TO GIVE UO. THE PAIN IS TOO MUCH. MY OWN FAMILY HATED ME SO MUCH THAT THEY DIDNT EVEN BELUEVE ME. NOT THAT ANYONE  EVER TALKED TO ME ABOUT THIS. THEY HAVE NO PROBLEM TALKING AT ME. THEY HAVE NO PROBLEM BELIEVING THAT WHAT THEY HEAR IS REAL. TALKING TO ME, LIKE I WAS A PERSON, THAT WASN'T SOMETHING ANYONE WANTED TO DO. 

I HATE MY LIFE. I AM SO SICK OF BEING HURT. SIGK IF BEING LIED TO. EHAT KIND OF OERSON PRETENDS TO BE IN LOVE? ESPECIALLY WHEN SOMEONE IS GOING THROUGH THIS? I NEEDED SOMEONE TO BE WHO AND, WHAT THEY SAID THEY WERE AND, NOBODY WAS. 

I AM SO SICK OF BEING ACCUSED IF HARMING MY CHILDREN AND, OTHER OEOPLES CHILDREN THAT I GIVE UP. NO IDY BELIEVES ME ANYWAYS. THEN, WHEN SOMEONE WHO SAID THEY LOVED ME WALKS OUT OF MY KIFE BECAUSE THEY DONT BELIEVE ME I GET TOLD "THATS HOW MUCH THEY CARED ABOUT YOU!"

I GET TOLD HOW I DESTROYED MY SONS LIFE. HOW? THEY ABUSED US SO BADLY BUT, ITS MY FUCKING FAULT. I BARELY UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON BUT, ITS ALL MY FAULT. I HAVE BEEN ACCUSED SO MANY TIMES WHILE, PEOPLE PRETEND THERE IS A. INVESTIGATION PRETEND TO CARE THAT I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I DO NOT CATE AT ALL, ABOUT ANYONE.

THEY USED MY KIDS AS AN EXCUSE TO TORTURE ME. THEY WILL NEVER STOP ANF, NOBODY BELIEVES ME. I DONT HAVE TO STAY ALIVE. I DONT WANT TO TRY. I DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT LIFE. I DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYONE IN MY LIFE. THEY DONT GIVE SHIT ABOUT ME. ALL EVERYONE WANTS TO DO IS BLAME NE AND, HURT ME.

BLAME AWAY. IT WILL BE A COLD DAY IN HELL BEFORE I EVER CARE AFAIN. I AM SO SICK OF BEING ACCUSED OF SHIT, LEFT EITH NO WAY TO DEFEND MYSELF. NO WAY YO SEE WHATEVER THEY SHOW ABOUT ME. I AM JUST SUPPOSED TO BE PARANOID AT PEOPLE REACTIONS. EVEN AFTER ALL THIS TIME, SOMEHOW MIRACULOUSLY, THERE ARE STILL HIDDEN THINGS THAT I APPARENTLY DID.

I DONT FUCKING GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE. I DONT WANT TO LIVE. I DONT WANT TO TRY. I REFUSE TO SAVE SOMEONE SO, I HAVE YO DIE. I AM SO SUCK IF HEARING ABOUT CHRIS DAY THAT I AM HAPPY YO DIE JUST SO I DONT HAVE TO HEAR HOW I SHOULD SAVE HIM. HIS OWN WIFE SAID HE RAPED ME BUT, LATER, AFTER HE COULD "EXPLAIN THINGS" TO HER, SHE RECANTED. I WILL NEVER, EVER SAVE HIM, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.

MY LIFE IS OVER ANTWAYS. WHY WOULD IT FUCKING MATTER WHAT I SAY? ALL I GET IS GURT MORE AND MORE AND A CUSED OF MORE AND MORE. I HATE BEING ALIVE. 

IT WAS OK TO TORTURE ME. RAPE ME. KIDNAP ME. ABUSE ME. IM NOT A PRREON SO IT DIDNT MATTER.

I TELL OFF SOMEONE WHO SAID I DESTROYED MY SONS LIFE THEN, LUKE CLOCKWORK, SOMETHING NEW COMES OUT. LMFAO MY LIFE HAS BEEN GONR IVER EITH A FINE TOOTH COMB BUT, IT EVERYONE ON THE OLANET DOESN'T HATE ME, SOMETHING NEW COMES OUT.

I DO NOT TRUST ANYONE. I WILL NEVER BELIEVE THAT ANYONE UAS EVER DONE ANYTHING BUT, PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT ME. I AM DONE LIVING. PLAIN AND SIMPLE. I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO UNRAVEL THE WEB OF LIES AND DECIET THAT MY IEN FAMILY OUT ME THROUGH. FOR WHAT REASON? 

I AM SO HURT THE WAY THEY USED PEOPLE I CARED ABOUT. THE WAY THEY HURT PEOPLE. I WASN'T ALLOWED TO TRUST OR, LOVE CERTAIN PEOPLE AND, I DID. NOW, I HATE MYSELF FIR LOVING THEM. I HATE MYSELF FOR BELIEVING ANYTHING GOOD. I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING ALIVE. MY KIFE LIFE IS ONLY HURTING PEOPLE. IF YOU STAND UP TO THESE PEOPLE, YOU WILL VE HURT WORSE THAN YOU CAN EVER IMAGINE. TO KNOW MY FAMILY IS OART OF ALL OF THIS MAKES ME SICK. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, 

JOHN BUTTERFIELD NEVER LOVED ME. SAYING THAT THOUGH ONLY GOT ME HURT WORSE. I TOLD THE TRUTH AND, THET USED PEOPLE TO BEND THINGS THEIR WAY TO SAY I AM A LIAR OR, SAY THAT I AM SO MEAN OR, STUPID IR, WHATEVER. ANYTHING I SAY ABOUT JOHN ONLY GETS ME PUNISHED. IY DOESN'T MATTER THAT YO THEM THINKING IS THE SAME AS TALKING. IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT HALF THE THINGS THAT I AM PUNISHED FOR ARE SO TWISTED AND, TAKEN SO COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTEXT THAT IT TAKES ME A MINUTE TO EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW IT RELATES TO ME.

"TELL ME YOU LOVE ME NOW!" WHY? IT IS CLEAR YOU PRETENDED TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME. PRETENDED TO BE ON MY SODE OR, BELIEVE ME. HOW FOOLISH OF ME TO BELIEVE IN LOVE AT ALL. AT LEAST THEY FIXED THAT IN ME. I WILL NEVER, EVER BELIEVE LOVE IS SOMETHING GOOD. IT IS NOTHING MORE THAN A WAY TO HURT SOMEONE SO BADLY THEY CANT SURVIVE. 

I WILL NEVER TRUST ANYONE AGAIN. I HATE HOW NOBODY WANTED TO BELIEVE THE TRUTH. HOW THEY HAVE MANIPULATED ME. HOW THEY PRETEND THAT I KNOW WHO IS HURTING ME AT ANY GIVEN TIME. ALL OF KMOW IS MY FAMILY EANTS KE YO DIE AND, JOHN BUTTERFIELD IS THE WORST MAN I HAVE EVER KNOWN. HE IS THE KIND OF MAN THAT MAKES YOU AFTAID OF OTHER MEN.

THERE ISNT A WAY TO WANT TO REMAIN ALIVE. THE HUMILIATION AND, HOW STUPID I CLEARLY AM HAS MADE ME REALIZE, THERE JUST ISNT A REASON FOR ME TO BE HERE ANYMORE 

NO WONDER SO MANY PEOPLE HATE ME. I CANT TELL WHAT IS GOING ON. I GET PUNISHED IF I DONT TELL JOHN I LOVE HIM, IF I DONT HAVE SEX WITH HIM, IF I DONT LET HIM COME BACK AND, PUNISHED IF I DO. I HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING MORE THAN I AM TOLD. ONE MINUTE I AM TOLD SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING I HEARD THEN, TOLD SOMEONE ELSE SAID IT. HOW ABOUT I JUST DONT CARE ANYMORE. 

I HAVE GIVEN UP. THEY WANTED ME TO DIE. THAT IS WHY THEY DID THIS. THEY ADMIT IT ALL THE TIME BUT, IT DIDNT MATTER. I AM SO DEPRESSED, I DONT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE. I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT, TO GIVE UP. I AM SO STUPID I CANT TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOCE AND HATE. I KNOW JOHN HATES ME OR, HE WOULD HAVE TOLD ME WTF WAS GOING ON BUT, THAT IS PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE. NOW, I FEEL STUPID FOR LOVING ANYONE. IT IS OBVIOUS I AM NEVER GOING TO BE ALLOWED TO TRUST ANYONE. I WILL NEVER BE ALLOWED TO BELIEVE ANYONE. I DONT WANT TO TRY ANTMORE. THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A TINY AMOUNT OF DOUBT ABOUT EVERYONE IN MY LIFE. THAT IS GOW BADLY THEY HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO HURT ME.

I HAVE LEARNED THAT I SHOULD NEVER HAVE BELUEVED IN MYSELF. THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON. ALL MY OWN FAMILY DID BECAUSE, THEY LOVE ME SO MUCH IS DO EVERYTHING THEY COULD TO PROVE I AM NOT WHO I SAID I WAS. EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE HAS BEEN DEMOLISHED. THERE IS NO LONGER A WAY TO TRUST ANYONE. NO LONGER A WAT TO LOVE ANYONE. NO LONGER A WAY TO THINK I AM WORTH HELPING SURVIVE. I AM ONLY WORTH LYING TO. ONLY WORTH MANIPULATING.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO YO BELIEVE AND, THEY HAVE LEFT ME IN A POSITION WHERE I HAVE NOBODY TO ASK. THERE IS NOBODY I CAN TRUST. THEY TOOK CARE OF THE LAST PEOPLE I TRUSTED LAST NIGHT. SO MANY PEOPLE LIED TO ME ABOUT ALL OF THIS THAT I HAVE NOBODY LEFT TO ASK FOR HELP. I WAS ALREADY AFRAID OF PEOPLE NOW, THERE IS NO POINT IN TRYING ANYMORE. THERE IS NO LONGER A WAY TO SURVIVE. NOT THAT ANYONE TRULY CARES. THEY "USED TO LOVE ME" BUT WHEN PUSH CAME TO SHOVE THEY DIDNT LOVE ME ANYMORE. 

THE MAN I LOVED WAS NOT IN LOVE WITH ME. HE DIDNT BELIEVE I LOVED HIM AND, THEN I HAD TO HEAR "NOW YOU KNOW HOW JOHN FELT!" EXCEPT I LOVED THIS MAN. TRULY LOVED HIM. I THOUGHT HE WAS, IT DOESN'T MATTER NOW. NOTHING MATTERS NOW. EVERY PART OF MY LIFE HAS BEEN DESTROYED. THERE IS NOTHING LEFT AT ALL. I DONT WANT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE. I DONT WANT TO TRY ANYMORE. I COULDNT EVEN GET MY MOM TO BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MANIPULATING ME AND, HURTING ME SO BADLY. WHY WOULD ANYONE ELSE BELIEVE ME? I AM GIVING UP. COMPLETELY GIVING UP.

THERE IS NOTHING ELSE I CAN DO. ONE MINUTE PEOPLE WONT HELP ME BECAUSE OF DRUGS, THE NEXT FOR SOME OTHER REASON. I DONT WANT TO LIVE SO IT DOESNT MATTER NOW. PEOPLE CAN BELIEVE WHATEVER THEY WANT. I WAS STUPID TO HAVE BELIEVED ANYTHING GOOD. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO JUST SAID "TELL ME YOU LOVE ME NOW SINCE IT WAS BLAMED ON TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE."

I AM NOT MEANT TO BE HERE. I DONT FIT IN ANYWHERE. EVERYTHING I BELIEVED ABOUT LIFE WAS WRONG. YHINGS I BELIEVED COST ME EVERYONE AND, EVERYTHING. I SHOULD HAVE JUST BELIEVED WHAT I WAS TOLD TO. THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO NOW. MY LIFE HAS BEEN DESTROYED AND, I COULDNT TELL YOU WHAT WAS REAL ABOUT ANYONE. IT IS CLEAR MY IWN FAMILY WANTED ME TO DIE, THAR MUCH IS OBVIOUS BY THE WAY MY STEP-BROTHER LAYGHS AT ME WHILE MY LIFE IS BEING DESTROYED.

I AM SORRY THAT THINGS GOT LIKE THIS. SORRY FOR BEING ME.