I Give Up

There was a person I was able to talk to, someone who made everything seem easy. Talking to them was easy. Laughing with them was easy. Listening to them was easy. They had this way of getting me to let my guard down, this way of getting me to find the funny side of life. It seems like every time I talked to them, we would laugh. It felt like the best person I could have been around, without being around them. I felt like they understood me, even when I didn't understand myself. I don't think I have ever felt quite like that. Maybe it wasn't what I thought it was. Maybe they didn't feel the same. All of known is they never made me mad. It didn't matter what they said. It didn't matter how upset I was, they could get through to me. I am not sure what anyone would call that since I do not know them in person and, even though I believe it was a certain person, I can't put any trust into what I believe.

I can't explain anything. They have so many questions and, I have no answers. I don't know what to believe other than, they won't stop and, this time I believe it was my uncle more than anyone else. 

I loved this family. They were the only people I talked to where I felt really, really happy. I felt like I belonged and, now I feel even worse. Worse than I ever have. I don't like to hurt people yet, there is no way around the pain I have caused. I am sorry for this 

I am so hurt and, I can't catch a break. I am devastated that I would hurt them and, I am not sure now how much of what I heard is real. One minute we have someone's blessing, the next that person hates us and, is too hurt by us to talk. I don't know what to believe I make a decision then, completely reverse my decision. I do not trust my uncle, that much is not in question.

I have gone to John so many times that I get punished for pestering him. For his part, he just made fun of me all the time.

I am done trying. Anything I believed the have proven I was stupid to have believed. I am sick of their questions. Five years plus of the same God damn questions. I don't have answers. I am sorry, I have to give up.

I can't explain anything. I can't answer their questions. I can't do anything right. Everything I think, say, believe they have gone out of their way to prove me wrong. They have manipulated my life so it would appear all I want is attention. Apparently, all I do is lie. I am told I have accused so many people that I did not accuse. They hear my voice though and, it is time to give up. I trusted people based on my instincts. Based on my personal interactions with them. When people tried to change my mind about someone, I let it go. Nobody should dictate how I feel. There were only two times that I didn't do that. Only two times where someone said something about someone else and, that was the end. TWO TIMES. Each of those times cost me dearly. Both of those times cost me too much. 

It doesn't matter to anyone else but, it does to me. So, when or these people who I find so disgusting continue to fuck with my head and, so many people blame me. While people rejoice and, prove that they have been hurting me. While my life is used to manipulate people into being on someone else's side. And, what hurts more than anytging, no matter what I say, it will cause pain. No matter what I say, I can't trust myself. I have no choice but, to give up.

I don't know for sure who I talk to. I don't know why people had to lie to me about so many things. I don't know why even my own mother had to lie to me while people openly admit to trying to kill me. While people were openly admitting to murderibg people and, I keep being blamed. I am sorry, I have no choice left.

Instead of helping me, people hurt me more. People wanted me to be confused about who they were. Then, they blame me for not being able to figure it out. They use each other's voices and, each other's names. There is no way for me to believe anything anymore 

"Why would anyone want that?" Over and, over.  I have had to listen to my own family tell me how ugly I am. How nobody could ever want me. How I deserved to be raped or, how I wanted it (as much as my brother) none of this matters anymore 

I wasn't attractive enough to be in any relationship. I have heard that so many times. It wasn't just my face. In the beginning it wasn't just my face that tortures oeopl now, for whatever reason they just say it isn't just my face. I am too far. Always too fat. I eat too much. I can't do anything to make their abuse stop. I get picked on fo noutting on make up. I should t wear any anymore. I don't dress the right way. Nothing about me is the right way. I "lost" everyone. Even though I didn't do anything. I tried to keep trusting myself and others but, I can't anymore. They don't trust me anymore. People keep hurting me and, I don't know why. I don't know what to believe anymore. I just keep being hurt. The pain is too much now 

I am never going to belueve that anyone cares. I already know that nobody thinks I am attractive. They just refuse to stop fucking with my head and, my heart and I have no way to deal with the unending pain anymore.

It is clear I am stupid. It was foolish of me to believe anyone would want to be on my side. Nobody could ever love something like me. Nobody is going to be able to help me. I don't know if anyone wants to truly help me. I get told people only let me be around them out of pity. People want to sell me drugs so they can keep me away from my kids. Every single thing I ever believed is ripped away from me and, I am left with no certainty about anything. I do not know what to do 

One minute this person is talking to me, the next minute it is someone else. I am left hurt and, confused. Left guessing if anyone cares the way I have heard. Left wondering why it was ok to hurt me like this. I did nothing to deserve this. I don't know how to do this so it wasn't revenge they were seeking like some have said.

I am told the stupidest, most fucked up things and, I have to give up now  I am sick of being hurt because I cheated on John, like he said to. He tells me he didn't expect anyone to be faithful for that amount of time and, since things weren't good anyways. I should have just divorced him while he was in prison. Maybe then they would have left me alone. Every single thing John told me he didn't mind or, that it was ok to do, got me punished worse.

Now, I am left with no way to understand anything. No way to believe anything. No way to have any kind of hope and, I am disgusted even with myself. I was too easy to manipulate and, too easy to hurt. Everything I thought was one way, was a completely different way and, I have no choice but to give up. I feel so hurt, used add, manipulated. So unwanted in this life that I give up. One minute someone loves me, I beg to be around that person but, it isn't allowed. For their own reasons very, very few people want to be around me. I don't want you be around me either.

Now that almost nobody believes me, I am disgusted by my life and, I truly believe there is nobody on my side, this is the end.

I lost everyone and, I will never know why. Every mother fucking day I lose the same people. Yesterday it was so God damn funny to block me from hearing almost everything then tell me that you are pretty sure I lost F and for good this time! You were laughing so hard about it! 

You have finally accomplished you God damn fucking goal. I am not jealous that you fucked whoever it is you fucked l. Why you continue to ask me who f I am jealous of you is sick. I don't know why a lot of these things have been done but, I fully believe that I lost everyone now. Your manipulation and, lies finally did the trick. 

I can't explain why I have been coughing so much and, now I am not. In fact, there is very, very little I can explain. I have no answers and, I no longer can trust. Whatever happened to me during those times I can't remember will stay lost forever 

As I listen to a crowd cheering at my pain, as always, I understand that I am not meant to survive. My bad for trying. It is clear that they were telling me the truth when they said this would be the rest of my life and, that I would never be able to believe that anyone loves me. I did and, that only hurt more people. I was told my love tortured people, they were right. 

I am done trying. Why bother? I am just going to lose anyways. 

Now that everyone has proven how unwanted I am. Proven how easy it is to lie to me and, hurt me, I am done trying. I am told such horrific things and, I still try to defend and, believe. Now I understand fully that both Frank and, Brandon were telling me the truth when they said if they actually cared about me, wouldn't they have met me by now?; Wouldn't they be here with me instead of me begging for help all the time? It makes perfect sense. For a while I didn't believe it was them saying that but, what better way to keep me hurt and, confused about reality. I am sorry I am so imperfect.

I wish I had been able to meet their demands. I just couldn't ever do the right thing. I wasn't able to understand the constantly shifting sands of who was who . In the end I have been lied to and, accused so much and, everyone I loved it, trusted has been removed from my life, I give up. I am sorry I am not worth loving. Sorry I am not believable. I don't have answers for everything and, I am sorry for that too. I can't believe anything I hear. Not a single word of it.  Am so hurt that I don't want to try anymore