I GIVE UP

I give up. If anyone believes me, I can't tell. I can only know what I hear and, what I hear is why I am going to die.

Why couldn't anyone talk to me? Why didn't anyone believe that I can't remember what they have done to me? Why didn't my life matter to my own parents? 

I don't know how to do this. I get blamed enough but, I don't know how to do this.

I feel guilty for everything these people have done and, are doing. I get blamed for all of this anyways. It's my fault they couldn't be stopped. It's my fault that they killed people. Everything they have done is my fault.

I am sorry I ever loved it, cared about Anyone other than my kids. In the end my stupidity if believing that anyone would want to be lafound me only caused me more pain.

I am sorry I was alive. I can't handle anymore pain. I have to give up my life to make other people happy. I have told the truth. There is nothing more I  can do except die 

I am afraid to be alive anyways. I am afraid to live people except my kids and, they used my kids to hurt me so God damn bad that I can no longer survive.

I am always being left. Always being abandoned. Always being blamed for things I did not do.

The only way to make this end, is to die. So, I will die. I don't want to live anyways. I am sick if being blamed. Sick of being accused and f things I didn't do. Sick of people pretending to care when nobody even wants to believe me.

I am sick of telling people I don't know. I am sorry I ever tried. Sorry I ever cared. I give up my life, it's the only way to make them stop.

My kids are being hurt and, I get blamed for everything. I give up. "This won't stop until she dies;" So, now I die.

They all know I can't remember what has happened to me. It didn't matter though. As long as they can keep blaming me. As long as everyone hates me. Since I am told how everyone hates me every single day, I give up. Why the fuck would anyone care if I die? They will get away with it all anyways. 

I don't even know how to do this but, I am going to take the blame for everything. How stupid of me to have wanted to live. How stupid of me to have told the truth. How stupid of me to believe that anyone would give a shit.

I don't give a shit anymore. I can't take more pain. They just keep attacking me and, expecting me to understand why. I give up. Life is nothing but pain and misery. There is nothing I can do to find any kind of happiness or peace. They just never stop.  Is that everyone in the planet hates me and blames me, give up.

Why should anyone care? Why shouldn't I die? Why should anyone talk to me about any of this in person? Nobody does so why would it matter? Nobody but me even hears any of this. That's what my mom and John tell me. I have asked, since I am the orobl m, I only get lied to.

I can't take anymore. I am sick of all of this. I was never meant to survive or, someone would have just talked to me by now. John tells me he doesn't hear any of this. Tells me it's all in my head. He talks out loud to these people but, that's my fault too I guess. 

My mom doesn't know anything. She can't help me either. Why? Because I am not supposed to be alive. I don't blame some people but, they have the same name as the cunt in Carson that did this to me, so I die. 

Fine with me. I want to die. There isn't anyone I can still trust. I can't be around anyone. I get blamed for everything. I tried to do the best I could and, I got sabatoge. My own family helped kill me and, I am innocent.

I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want to be alive anymore. It I can't do everything someone else's way, then I am worthless.

I am innocent. They accuse me of all kinds of things but, I am innocent. They hurt me and, so many others so badly and, they used me to do it. Used My name, used my voice, used my heart. I have to give up.

I wasn't even worth telling me why I had to die. Wasn't worth anyone talking to me, only at me. I was only worth killing. Fine with me.

I am sorry I don't remember. Sorry that I am told this is all my fault. If I had gotten off drugs if I hadn't loved Brandon or, Frank. If I hadn't been hurt. If I hadn't married John. Fi had just remembered. If I had just done everything their way. Doing things the way I wanted to or, doing things the way I thought was ok, even just fucking vacuuming the damn carpet, it I had done everything their way, maybe they would have stopped. 

It didn't matter though. If I did things their way, it was still wrong. They would deny that this was what they said to do. They would deny everything they told me. Everything was always my fault, I couldn't prove they told me to do things this way or, that way. I could to prove they were abusing me. I couldn't prove that John was altering my reality. He blames me and, since everyone wanted me to die, they all avoide me and, I listen to everyon blame me all the time.

It's my fault because I let John come back. It's my fault because I didn't want John back. It's my fault for loving too many people. It's my fault for not knowing who is saying what it's my fault for not understanding who said what. It's my fault for being alive. Not anymore.

I am sorry I loved it, believed anyone. My head and, heart can't take anymore more. I am sorry for living people without being able to see them. They were right. There is no way for me to know who I am talking to. They have proven that. There is no way for me to approach people I hear because, u can't see them and, I don't know who they are. They have proven that. 

I am sorry I don't know these people "in real life!" They point that out all the time. I am even sorrier that this is my real life. THIS IS MY REAL LIFE. They make up stories and, lie to everyone and, nobody could be around me without being hurt too. They make up all these stories and, I can't tell what is real anymore. I can't tell who people are. Each time I think I can they just fuck with my head more. I have no life left. I hav no future. These people have tortured me to death.

I feel so much guilt for things that I have nothing to do with. I feel guilty for not knowing what is real. They never leave me alone and, nobody is allowed to talk to me in person. I am at the mercy of what I hear and, too many people control what I hear.

Even in bargain bin. I could see someones mouth moving but, I couldn't hear them. I could hear Angela Tracjveski voice laughing at me and, someone saying "she can't hear you!" I could hear someone say come closer or, I am supposed to be closer. Why? I don't know that person. I am not sure who he was. If he is flFeank, then he is the third or fourth Frank. I don't want to live anymore. What's the point? 

I can't trust that anyone I love won't be fucked with. Anyone I live hates me and, will be used to hurt me anyways. I am sorry that I am so stupid. Sorry I can't understand anything. 

I loved Brandon so fucking much. I loved Frank too. Since their is no way for me to understand it, know which person either of them were and, no way to understand why people didn't want to be around me even though they said they loved me. I can only guess that people keep lying to me. I am east to hurt. I am easy to believe is a liar. I obviously was easy to set up.

I am done trying. I can't understand anything. I get told Brandon and, Frank hurt me more than anyone else did. Then I get told they loved me. I give up. I can't handle anymore stress.

This was never about me being on drugs. This was about me being the patsy, about me taking the blame for all of the shit they did using my name and, voice. I do not know how to do this, everyone already knows that.

This is about Tracy "using people who felt guilty" to rape me and, did unspeakable things to me. Things that John lives to tell me he wants to do to me while I hear people tell me that had already been done. This is about people being manipulated into hating me so that nobody is standing up for me. Fine with me. Don't stand up for me.

I am sorry that I can't remember most of August 2021, the evening of November 1, 2021 and, several days after. There are a lot of other time that I can't remember too. It is made even worse when they say that John or, the bother I stay with Michael continue to drug me and, let people in to have sex with me. I have no idea if that is true. I can only know what I hear. 

I am sorry that me loving people made them also be attacked. I am sorry that so many people hate me and, want to fuck with my head like this. They tell me that John and, my brother get paid to let people in to have sex with me and, I have even heard my mother say she wondered how Michael got the money he needed after askung her for it. 

They call me a whore but, I did not sleep with these men. Even John calls me a whore to my face! I am not a fucking whore. They tell me that is why nobody will knock on door, they don't want people to believe they are hiring me!!! I am not a fucking whore.

What does that mean, "go ahead and tell me that's not rape!" What the fuck does that mean? They do this all the fucking time. They say they show things about me but, I am not allowed tti see anything. I am not allowed to be able to defend myself. I am not allowed the know what is going on. I am not allowed to know what is real. I have no choice but to give up. I can't handle this anymore 

"You should have gotten off drugs!" Hahahahahaha I know, it's all my fault. They fuck with my head so badly that I can't survive. They blame me for everything they have done, they blamed Brandon and a few others too. Mostly Brandon though. We were and, still are blamed for things they did. I am sorry that my love for him makes them blame him. 

I am ready to give ve up now. Unless I die they will never stop. It is obvious I am not supposed to live anyways. IF THERE REALLY WAS A GRAND JURY, THEY GOT AWAY WITH PRETENDING TO BE ME AND, NOBODY COULD DO ANYTHING. I HEARD THE GRAND JURY WAS AUGUST 2021. THE SAME TIME I WAS SO BADLY DRUGGED AND, CANT REMEMBER MUCH OF ANYTHING. MY IWN FAMILY WAS HERE WHEN I WAS RAPED. MY OWN MOTHER KIES TO ME AND, ALL THEY WANT TO DO TO "HELP" IS REHASH THE SHIT THAT MAKES NO SENSE. YHEY BLAME EVERYONE AND, ANYONE I LOVED IR, TRUSTED FETS HLAMED EVEN WOTSE. IF I KOVE OR, CARE ABOUT SOMEONE THEY ARE PUNISHED SEVERELY. I AM NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE ANYONE IN MY LIFE. GOD FORBID ANYONE JUST TALK TO ME. 

WHY THE FUCK DIDNT JOHN HAVE YO TELL ME THE TRUTH? WHT WAS IT OK FOR EVERYONE TO LIE TO ME? WHY? HRCAUSE, ANGELA SAID SHE WOULDNT MAKE MEN TELL HER THE TRUTH. BECAUSE SO FAR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE PUNISHED ME FOR IS SOMETHNG THAT CAME FROM ANGELA TRACJVESKI. YOU HAVE HURT ME BEYOND EHAT I CAN HANDLE AND, NOBODY THAT I HEAR LOVED ME WANTS TO GE AROUND ME. I JUST KEEP VEING MANIPULATED AND, HURT. NIT ANYMORE.

I WILL NEVER BE HURT AGAIN. I WILL NEVER BE LIED TO AGAIN.

I DO NOT LOVE MYSELF ANYMORE. I DO NOT LOVE BEING ALIVE ANTMORE. IN FACT, LOVE AND, LIFE HAVE BECOME THE BIGGEST PUNISHMENT THEIR IS. LOVE AND, LIFE HAVE BECOME NOTHING BUT PAIN. MY OWN HEARD AND, BRAIN HAVE BEEN USED TO HURT ME SO BADLY I DO NOT WANT TO REMAIN ALIVE. I KEEP BEING TOLD I BLAME THIS OERSON OR, THAT PERSON AND, I AM HATED EVEN MORE FOR IT. I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

SOMEONE AHOULD HAVE TOLD ME WHY EVERYONE HAD TI HATE ME. BESIDES THAT THEY ALL GAD YI HATE ME SO NOBODY WOULD STAND UP AND, BE THERE FOR ME. SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME WHY IT EAS OK FOR PEOPLE TO TORTURE ME WITHOUT END. WHY I WAS BEING SO MANIPULATED THAT I NO LONGER KNOW WHAT IS REAL. SO BADLY HURT THAT I CAN NO LONGER BELUEVE IN MYSELF. EACH TIME I THOUGHT I CHOSE THE RIGHT OERSON TO TRUST, MY OWN FAMILY ORIVED I WAS WRONG. I CAN NOT HANDLE MORE PAIN. I CONTINUE TO SAY THAT BUT, I ONLY GET BLAMED FOR MY OWN PAIN.

I GET TOLD I TORTURED MYSELF. I GET YOLD I AM A LIAR. I CAN NOT REMEMBER YHE THINGS THAT THEY SAY THEY HAVE DONE TO ME. I KNOW I AM MISSING CHUNKS OF TIME BUT, THEY EITHER TELL ME YHAT IS MY FAULT OR, TELL ME I AM LYING. I AM NOT LYING AND, I AM SORRY PEOPLE BELIEVE IT IS MY FAULT. I WISH I COULD REMEMBER. I KNOW THAT MY MEMORY LOSS WAS OART OF THE PLAN. I KNOW THAT WITHOUT A DOUBT. I AM SO AFRAID FOR MY CHILDREN THAT I HAVE TO DIE SO THEY STOL FUCKING WITH THEIR LIVES.

THERE ARE A LIT IF THINGS THAT I GUESS JOHM TOLD ME. THINGS ABOUT HIMSELF LIKE, HIS BEING IN THERAPY HELPED HIM REMEMBER THINGS IN HIS PAST. HELPED HIM REMEMBER THE TRUTH! THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS LIKE THAT. HE TOLD ME THINGS YET, EVEN HIS IWN FAMILY ADMITS I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HIM OR, THEM. SO, I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT HE WAS SAYING EHAT EXACTLY? WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME? WHAT HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE?

I WILL NEVER KNOW. NOBODY COULD OR, WOULD JUST TALK TO ME.