I Don't Want To Deal With Life Anymore

Yes, you're right, it just got too hard. Since it was too hard, I gave up.

My deepest apologies for being attacked the ass end of so much trauma I have no memory of events that you have proven happened. Even though you make fun of me and, call me a liar for it ., you all are aware that it is in fact real. The decision to continue to lie to me, keep me confused as to who most people are and, continue to torture me was effective. At least you were kind enough to admit that you have had this same result before. It made no difference to anyone though.

There are so many questions that only have lies for answers and, while this has been quite informative, the fact you continue to admit that you do this to much, much more than just the Carson City, NV Sheriffs Department, at least let me know that you probably won't be caught. 

It obviously isn't meant for me to survive. "What's the point of doing this if she survives?" You have made it clear that I "survived longer than anyone else!" Not that anyone gives a fuck. You openly admit to murdering people. Lots of people. Again, somehow I am preventing people from receiving the justice they deserve. The justice that so many people who did nothing to any of you deserve. They are people. I know to you people are jokes but, to their loved ones they meant something. Same as you apparently mean something to your loved ones. 

You demand that I be or, do things and, when I can't overcome the non stop abuse, your freedom is blamed on me. Just as you blame me for people who you have murdered. Your pathetic excuse saying that you didn't kill anyone, they killed themselves is so sick that you flat out deserve the death penalty. The fact you use my voice, especially when some of you are my family, 

Since it is also clear that my own mother doesn't believe me and, people I trust will either do what they can to hurt me or, they will walk away and, I feel completely abandoned. Left to fight people I shouldn't have to fight for a life that only brings more misery to everyone around me. 

My life has been used to hurt so many people that I feel guilty for being alive. To make it that much worse, people who should have been there for me, admit they knew that I was going to be hurt like this. It's ok though. Above everything else you all have proven that it is ok to do what you have done to me. There is nothing I can do and, I just can't handle the pain. I already know everyone is going to leave me. My own family doesn't give a shit. I can't take this anymore. 

I get it. Something is wrong with me. Something about me makes people hate me. I am sorry that so many people believe that there was something more I could have done. I know I would have done it wrong. Since people do not believe they things they have admitted and, I am never going to be able to live a normal l, productive life, I don't want to try anymore. 

It's ok to pretend whatever they want to. Pretend to care, pretend not to. "You lost me for good this time!" What were the last times? Once you tell me you don't want me, I believe you  I will always have a tiny part of me that knows I am somewhere that I am unwanted.

All the work that I did to try to become someone that I loved, it was all a waste of time. Now that I know they are 100% correct about me, I am the problem, that is why they couldn't be stopped, I just cant care anymore. I know, that's my fault too. For whatever reason, this had to be done to me and, for my own family to participate in this, why should I keep trying.

I am sick of being told that I lost this person or, that person. Sick of being told how so many people loved me, they didn't want to do much more than lie to me and, hurt me. Being around me causes death my life is hurting all of these people. Any life that I am in contact with is worse than it was when I entered it. 

I am nothing but, a pile of shit. A worthless, unwanted, fat, ugly, stupid bitch who had to die. That is why you did this to me. So I would die. There is no chance to be happy. You lie so fucking much and, then pretend that I am a liar. You continue to hurt me and, I am done being hurt. None of you want to admit it now but, you all know how badly you have hurt me. MY OWN FAMILY HELPED TORTURE ME. MY OWN FAMILY THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO BEAT ME DOWN UNTIL I KNEW EITHOUT A DOUBT HOW WORTHLESS I ACTUALLY AM. 

Since Tracy and, John pretend they are helping me, just like Angela said nice things about me, you believe they weren't killing me. You abuse me then tell me you are doing it to make me a better person. You have destroyed everything I held dear. I don't think the same way I used to. I don't to believe the same things. You used everything that was good in life to hurt me. Instead of being there for me, I ended up with everyone hating me.

They continue to do everything they can to prove that I am a liar. I guess that way they feel like they didn't torture me. Since I am not allowed to be happy and, I already know, they don't have to be tell me anymore, that I will never be allowed to be happy, I can't keep trying. Trying only got me hurt worse. 

Just because they stopped doing something or, they haven't done it in the last few days, that doesn't take away the fear and, trauma.

Trying to move forward is not allowed. Making any kind of plan that helps improve my life, only gets me punished worse. There is nothing I can do. Everything about me is wrong. I made people so "happy they didn't listen to their inner voice!" So, I did. 

Your inner voice. Why would I want to go through life knowing that my inner voice isn't even me?! Why would I want to continue to live knowing that my inner voice has never been me.

To listen to the elation that their torture has cost me people that they believe lived me, it's sick. I have been made fun of way too much to believe that there's anything in Kenworth loving. After all, I believed John loved me and, I tried to help him and, defend him for years. Clearly I am so stupid that I do not know what love is. I certainly didn't believe it was people doing everything under the sun to make sure people believe Inam a worthless liar! That is what love is to this group though.

The manipulation and, lies has caused me to not want anyone near me ever again. I do not want to live and, the thought of letting people near me, letting people into my life, I can't do that. I will only be hurt worse. I will only be lied to and, I can't take anymore pain.

Telling them I can't take more pain, only makes them continue and, it's like they get stronger. Angela Tracjveski is actually happier now that she was able to torture me. "How the mighty have fallen!" I don't even understand how that is how people saw me. I was a down to earth, kind person. Now I am a puddle of shit and, I am no longer a person.

I am happy that they were able to predict the future. Thrilled to know that so many people have lied to me when I needed them the most. I can tell, by the way they drop all this information about things they say happened, knowing I have no support. They say they drugged me and, unknown nobody is going to be able to help me. I wish I had been able to get people to understand just how fucked they have made my life. My brain can't take anymore. 

At least they didn't tell me to kill myself today. I wish I had lied about everything I could think of now. The truth didn't make a fucking difference. I get accused of doing this. Told by people in positions where they could help me that they will always believe I did this to their daughter. Every single way I could have gotten help was blocked and, blocked so long ago that this has been inevitable they plan worked. Smashing success! Congratulations to you all!

You didn't have to kill me. How you continue to get away with everything while, admitting the things you do has made me regret not dying sooner. I am sure people agree that I should have killed myself much sooner. Then you wouldn't have had to hurt and, kill people using my name and, voice. 

I am one person. You are a group. As long as people fight back quietly, everything is ok. Now, I am so hurt by all the lies and, bullshit that I hope you get caught but, it won't have shit to with me.

I am so God damn fucking sick of hearing how I was holding back or, how I didn't say something about something before. I HAVE SAID ALL OF THIS BEFORE. 

I did not give permission for people to watch me. I am not clear on exactly where they see me LM I have looked on YouTube, Facebook, asked but, they just tell me they blocked me on the providers side. Anyone that might have been able to help me, they dipped out. Even my own parents. If there is anyone left, my bad. Thanks for trying, it just wasn't meant to be. 

Too many times I have begged for help only to get hurt worse. "It won't end until she dies!" Now, that is what I will do. So many people are so angry at me. I can't understand why. They hurt people so badly and , it's my fault for being alive. Somehow, everything is my fault. I don't know how to do this. They have done unspeakable things and, my own mother believed this was what I deserved. 

I turn them in, they hurt me and, people I loved. People tried to help me, they lost family members for helping me. I talked about my dad one time. Said how his death certificate was weird because it was an hour off. I got a call at 9pmmdaying he had died, the day BEFORE his birthday. Even though Missouri is Central time, two hours ahead, his death certificate listed his birthday as the day he died. Three hours ahead. I heard someone say "you said Missouri was three hours ahead!" My uncle heard this but, he said he would take the fall for that! His own mother fucking brother! Just like it was my uncle that told me the last voice my dad heard was mine! Yet, I do not know how to use this technology and, I never have. 

My uncle was adamant that I chose John over my children. He swore that I was given a choice between John and, them and, that I chose John. He said my dad was given the same choice and, he died in 2009. The choice I was given, by a stranger who hijacked my brain was "Give me your husband it, give me your daughter but, you can't have both or, you will lose everything!" Fuck you bitch, this is my life and, my family fought for your freedom and, mine. Something they well known since they did this to my entire family even while they were serving! 

How abusing me and, telling me to kill myself every single day is helping me, who fucking knows. It helped destroy me, for sure. 

I turned them in, told thousands of people what they have been doing and l, about the diplomats. In the end, I couldn't handle losing more people. Namnnit the type of person who sits around thinking of whT could have been but, in this situation, that is what is going to happen. 

I will think about how I could have treated her to be stronger, even when tlfeat would take over. Even when they did everything they could to make sure I was afraid and, to make sure that I knew without a doubt how hated and, unwanted I am. They did everything they could to make sure I knew that "nobody will ever love me." I couldn't risk being told again, by someone I trusted, that they don't know what I am talking about. "If you keep telling people you hear voices, you will never get your kids back!" Too many times I ended up knowing that people didn't care, they tell me they don't know anything then, I hear them this way proving they know enough to have helped me. I married a man, I was so foolish, who lied to me so much, made fun of me so much and, took so many memories and, tried to convince me that I am crazy. I wonder how many times it worked. A man who said he put his thumb in my daughter and, then came here and, put it in my mouth. The one and, only time he did that. 

I tried to get help but, only got punished worse. Told how they can say anything and, that didn't make it true and, because they punished mens badly when Angela Tracjveski said she had evidence, even though I defended John, he tells me to my face I didn't. I did though, they said they were calling the police and, that I should too. I called and, DEFENDED him. He tells me I am wrong but, I defended him. Strange thing though, the police called back! At the time he said they told him to take me to West hills, we lived in Carson, why take me Reno. Angela has already admitted that she talked to him and, that it was them that called back, not the police. 

They all use the same words and, phrases. I didn't believe that all of these people helped do this to me from the beginning but, it is becoming pretty clear that they did. I wish I didn't believe that anyone was trying to help make this stop. That only hurt worse. 

"John did what he had to do to protect his family!" I wasn't family. People tried to warn me but, I loved him and refused to listen. I never would have believed that anything like this could happen or, that people could be so horribly evil.

I won't be able to see my kids grow up. "Whose fault is that?!" Perhaps the fault of people who have been trying to kill me. No matter what I do, they find a way to use it against me. Doesn't matter what it is, it's always going to be a problem. I should t have survived and, they refuse to stop. I can't take this shit anymore. A group of domestic and, since their are people from other countries involved, I guess just terrorists decided to attack the fuck out of me. I even asked my own family but, they did t give a shit either. It doesn't matter how long they have done this. Who cares that I didn't do a fucking thing. I lost my kids become of these people and, their hatred. I will never get them back and, knowing that my own family hates me so much they lied to me about everything, whats the point.

They find joy in hurting me. I can hear how happy they are right now! "I can't believe it worked!" Every fucking time it gets to this point. It did in fact work though. Without a doubt, it worked like a fucking charm. 

I am easily the worst thing on this planet. I would have to be for this to be what it is. "Everyone chose you to die!" Oh, ok. Well, they proved that they have done this to me pretty much my entire life. My parents have admitted to being part of the people that planned this. They knew I was going to be raped. They knew that people could see me. It wasn't an issue for them so, I guess that's why they never told me. It is humiliating to go outside and, listen to strangers make comments or, say my name while my mother and, John and, his mother tell me nobody can see me or, hear me and, I am just crazy. 

They can kiss my ass. At least, knowing they plan on stopping once Inam dead or,, once Inam arrested"for being their victim, they will stop.  Then, since they have stopped, they will just blame me, like they said they would! Dying is worth it. At least I know they will stop and, the people Inam stupid enough to still care about will be safe. It was my life preventing them from being safe. It was my life that caused them to kill people. I have heard enough from John, who swears he doesn't hear any of this and, has never known anyone who has had these kinds of problems before to know that I never should have let him near me or, my children. 

I have nothing left. When this started, I was the happiest I think I had ever been. I had learned to forgive and, love myself. Both of my children were in my life and, I was a newlywed. I was looking for a job and, getting financial aid ready to go back to school. I let my desire to spend some time with my newly created family derail my plans. I truly believed that I was loved and, accepted for who I was. Truly believed that nothing could stop us. I didn't realize that everything about John was actually about others. The only thing I thought was strange was, when I tried to fix a background check, his name didn't come up. ANYWHERE. He was so loving and, so good with the kids. So hands in and, seemed so happy to be with us that I pushed it to thea back of my mind. Obviously, that had never happened before. Google a name and, it pops up, everyone except Jonathan Michael Butterfield. I guess, like everything else, they "blocked him on the providers side."  My mom and l, I had the same cell phone providers but, a Google search brought up hundreds of results for her and, few for me. My brother, Ryan (Shoefly) once repeated word for word what he was hearing yet, when I asked him about this again, he didn't know anything. How could they have hurt him the way they did when, hlthese are his friends? They used me to hurt him. "I am going to hurt Ryan because, I know it will hurt you!" It I had died, his life would be better. His mother would be happier. A lot of people would be happier. 

My life isn't worth others losing theirs. It is obvious I don't belong here. It's better if I am not here. Better for everyone.