I Can't Handle This Anymore

I know that most people blame me and, there isn't much I can do. Most of the time I am trying to do everything I am told, while being told the opposite.

Told to trust my instincts while they then so everything they can to prove I can't trust myself.

I can't really trust anything I hear in person and, this way I am also lied to so much it is difficult to understand most things. It seems the only things that were 100% true were the worst things imaginable.

I am sorry that so many people can hear me or, see me. It most definitely is not my choice and, it took a while for me to believe that was true. 

I know I am hated by a lot of people, at least that is what it sounds like and, that is what I am used to hearing. Most of the time, if they don't want me to know something, they talk over the person talking, they play a crowd that is usually so loud in any hear anyone talking. I would imagine that they don't mute the person talking so that way I will know someone is talking and, I will become nervous, unsure of what is being said and, become a basket case. Filled with anxiety over what is being said that I don't know. I am not the type of person to obsess like that though. I can't change the fact I am not able to hear someone due to others and, I can only hope for understanding and, that maybe, one day, someone will talk to me in person. So far, that hasn't happened. Instead, people get angry at me and, eventually end up hating me or, hating me more. 

I can't force anyone to believe anything I say and, I am uncertain if anyone is able to believe that these people are as evil and, hateful as they truly are.

Why I am being told that I just lost John for good is beyond me. I can't hear who is talking, I have no idea what is being said. It didn't start off very nice, at least it didn't seem like it, so I am unclear. 

I don't want to know why anymore. I have no reason to believe that knowing why will make anything change and, it won't make it better. 

I am so deeply hurt that I am not sure anything or, anyone is going to be able to help me. I am not sure if I am worth helping. It has been a long time and, in all this time I am still wondering why the only people that want to be around me are people I am told hurt me. People that say they live me have their own reasons for not either wanting to be around me or, not understanding or, believing me.

I am not sure what exactly to do. Not sure what to believe anymore. When someone is being hurt, isn't your instinct to try to help? I am sure that now people are making fun of me, believing that I didn't try to help my children. I absolutely did try to help them. I don't know what to do. I get told unless I still these people, I will never get them back. That I will never see them again. Told that if I can't stop them, both of my children will kill themselves before they are 18. Yet, nothing indid made anything better. I have complied with every demand except one. Each time, my life got worse.

People assume I am allowed to know everything or, that I am allowed to hear everything they say. I am rarely even allowed to believe the things I hear. Good or, bad. I hear one thing, then the opposite. I tried to figure out what was real but, it isn't easy. Just because someone says something doesn't mean that is what I am allowed to hear. Somehow, no matter what I do, I end up doing the exact thing that will push someone into hating me. I am aware that I need help and, I loved some people, one unwanted to share life with. I believed he was a good man who didn't push me away or, think or, talk about me the way the others do. I believed that he didn't hurt me and, I believed that he believed what I have been saying. He was gentle when he talked to me and, I am devastated that, for his reasons, he didn't believe that he was who I wanted to be with. 

So many people keep "walking out of my life" and, I am becoming incredibly afraid of every one of these people hating me. They said they needed 100% vote to kill me. After I came here, with my step brother, I was told they only needed three quarters. They said that one person, my brother's friend, was a hold out. 

Now, I am pretty sure nobody believes anything I say. I understand and, I have no way to make them believe. I don't always believe what I am told but, I did believe that everyone knew the plan and, that they were going to kill me. It makes perfect sense that I would do what I could to make everyone hate me. "That's because the real you came out!" Ok, then why continue to fight for my life when that is what people believe? 

Angela Tracjveski told me she was going to show me the "real John!" That he didn't treat her the way he treated me so, he must be conning me somehow. She refused to believe that he might have loved me. Now, I have my own doubts. I wanted to survive and, I wanted to share a happy life with someone and, right now I am unsure how to give up on him and, that feeling. I am also unsure exactly how to keep fighting when I know the odds of anything good being allowed to remain in my life are very, very low. I can't understand why things had to be so bad that I wasn't "allowed to be happy" and why I had to "stay with John." I am sorry that I can't seem to do anything the right way. I can't do enough to make people want to be around me and, the two people I am around i keep being told hate me. That they don't want me to get my kids back or, have anyone in my life. I can't keep fighting to prove I am not the person they have made me appear to be.

The truth is, they DID and, continue to torture me. It's fine if you don't believe me, I am not sure many people do believe me. I should have believed just a tiny bit more that I am only allowed certain people and, that there won't be a way for this to end the way I had hoped. 

I have large gaps in my memory. Either things they gave me or, just the trauma, either way, it's been too long now and, they have told me so many things that I may never know the truth.

Those two things combined with the loss of my children and, the way they were used to hurt me as well as, the way people I loved and, the one I live have been used to hurt me, the odds of me surviving two years is pretty low. 

They have told me to kill myself every day almost for a long time. In fact I was just told that again. A few times before I agreed and, this time I also agree. Every single mother fucking time I hear "after I thought about it" things end the same way. Each time I hear that, I know it's all bad. My heart literally hurts and, it is all way too much. I have nobody to turn to. Noone can help me through this. 

I can't handle the pain of all of this  I keep trying to find ways to cope. Try to find myself and, stay hopeful and, positive but, this is too much. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to be told I said or, did things that I know I did not and, I don't think I can handle losing anyone else. In fact, I don't think I am going to be able to let anyone close to me again. I don't want to care about people anymore. I don't want to believe anything good anymore. I don't want to ever feel what I feel right now again. 

I am sorry that I am so pathetic. I know how stupid I must sound and, I definitely feel that way. I must be everything they tell me I am. I am sorry that I don't know how to fight anymore. I am not quite sure I am worth fighting for. I no longer believe I am worth anything. I probably never was. Sometimes, these things happen. 

Since they continue to hurt me and, I continue to let them, I feel even worse. Like this really is my fault. They keep telling me it's my fault and, that I did this to myself. Maybe they are right! I can't tell who is talking to me, even when I think I can. 

I am done with this. It is over for me. I refuse to remain alive and, be forced to be, in any way, part of something so horrific. I will not be out in a position like this again. I have no desire to believe I can handle any of this. I hate myself even more now. I don't want any part of any of this. I am sorry to my children. I can't handle anymore. 

I hope they know how much I love them and, how very sorry I am. I hate everything about myself and, life should be more that just pain and, humiliation. I am sorry.