I Can't Care Anymore

I am told such fucked up things that I just cant care anymore. Very, very few people have anything nice to say that I can hear and, even fewer in person. I sit here being forced to listen to people tell me in detail why they hate me so much while my step brother laughs at me all the fucking time. I asked him about all of this when I came to stay here but, like everyone else, he didn't know anything. I was stupid enough to ask him to ask his friends about all of this too. Now, I fully understand what a fucking idiot I am.

I learned the hard way that I am not meant to be happy. I am meant to be abused until the moment I die. Lied to by people and, left with no way to fully know what is real and, what isn't. 

I have to give up. I am so depressed and, I can't take care of myself anymore. I can't believe in myself and, believing that anyone else cares is an automatic death sentence. I am tired of being made fun of. Tired of people walking away from me. Tired of being lied to. Tired of being alive. 

I am sorry that I am such a worthless whore. Sorry that I tried to believe in myself. Sorry that I tried to understand why I had to be treated so badly that I think about death more than anything else. I am sick of being hurt. 

I just lost the last fucking person I will ever lose because of this fucking bullshit. I am done trying. I am done caring. I have no reason to have hope. No reason to bekieve anything about life. I have finally given up completely. There isn't a way to keep trying. I just can't take this anymore 

Instead of being concerned, my own. Family keeps lying to me. I don't have a fucking clue what to do it, say or, anything else. The pain has become so deep that nothing will change it. I have to give up my life. There is no other way to make them stop hurting people I love. There is no other way. I can't take any more fucking pain. 

Living anyone but, John Butterfield has become something used to kill me. Then, the people I loved turn on me so quickly it has become obvious that they are a part of all of this. I am not sure that there is anyone on this planet that wants me to live. I can't seem to understand anything and, the pain is too much. I am done trying. Done caring about life and, everything about it. I am just done.

I am sorry that I am so fucking pathetic. Sorry that people don't understand. Sorry that people I thought cared, didn't. I am so sick of being lied to. Their lies aren't even logical. I am even sicker of being blamed for so many fucking things that I didn't do. I have been left with no way to understand anything. I know that John and, others have used not only me but, so many others to get away with ehT they have done that I can't handle it anymore. "To always remember the truth about everything and, never be able to stop her!" The sickest thing that they have told me. My punishment for loving someone who never loved me. I did everything John told me was ok and, was punished to death for every bit of it. 

Now, I am left in a position that I can't handle. Left hearing people I loved lie to me. Listening to them hate me for things I can't control. Listening to them be hurt and, blamed and, I can't handle this anymore. There is nothing in life that I am not afraid of. Everything brings pain and, humiliation and, I can't take anymore.

John mother has treated me like shit. I don't live John, at all and, that is a problem. I have been so used and, manipulated that I can't stand life. Living someone has hurt them so much that, I hate myself for falling in love. The pain is so deep that I no longer can care. If I believe, I get hurt. It's that simple. I am only allowed to believe Tracy and, John. Anyone else, it's a huge problem. 

Since she uses so many voices that belong to real people, I am left in a life where things could be real or, they could be fake.

Tortured to the point of insanity and, told every mother fucking day that I am going to be arrested. For what? Bring their victim?

Every insult that they can think of is thrown at me. Then I get told "want to know what I hear?" Guess what, it's the same things that I have been told non stop for over five years. I am done trying. I am clearly the biggest problem in the world. I am tired of life and, tired of being abused. Tired of believing in myself and, tired of believing in others. I am just tired.

I don't know why people can't understand. I did nothing and, it cost me my life. It cost my children the future they could have had. As long as everyone gets away with it all though, that's all that matters. Somehow, if I die, things will just disappear.

I am so sick of being told that even my parents chose me for this bullshit. They gave their permission. All I know for sure is they lie to me about all of this. So, it has come to the point where death is the only answer. Death is the only way to make them stop. Death is my only choice now.

To hear people I trusted, people I loved call me a child molester, I just don't care anymore. I am done defending myself. This should never have been able to be done and, I am not the first person they killed. They will continue to kill until someone much better than me is able to stand up to them.  Someone who is able to tell what is real and, what isn't. I am too afraid of life to keep trying. Too afraid of what a future might be when I can't handle stress, I can't trust anyone or, anything. Each person I thought I could trust has been used to hurt me so badly that, I am too afraid to keep trying. 

To most people I am sure it doesn't seem like this is as bad as it is. I am uncertain what anyone can hear and, I have no idea if what I hear is real. It is very clear that a lot of things others hear are lies. Even I can tell that much but, they must believe the lies. All these terrible things about me, believe what you want.

I am sick of hearing about my "darling daughter" sick of hearing that someone read in my blog this it, that. I love my kids but, I have never called my daughter my darling daughter 

I am just as sick of hearing how I have told the truth about everything. I get called a liar by pretty much every fucking voice, why keep trying.

I just heard that if someone thought I was pretty means they must be blind. Apparently, nobody who can see could love me or, think I am attractive. Then, people start shouting "that's the truth!" Ok, well, since that's the truth, I give up. The non stop insults have taken ever bit of self esteem I have. Then, I get told how unwanted I am because, I have no self esteem. I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to try anymore. I don't believe in myself anymore. I have tried. I have asked too many people who pretend they don't know anything to keep trying. I get told so many times "If you loved _________" or "if you cared ________" I get it. People don't believe that I care. People don't believe that the abuse has taken such a huge toll. People, like my brother, spend a lot of time laughing at me but, they don't know anything so, there is no help. My own family says I am crazy. "Is Jenny acting crazy today?" It is obvious that nobody is ever going to believe or, understand how bad this truly is.

It's more than just missing time. Even though I have heard them admit they have had this exact same result before, missing time and, everything, I only hear people tell me that they don't believe me. "Do you know how rare that is?!" So, I guess that means I am lying? It's been over three years and, even I know it's too late to get help. I had no idea the severity of missing time and, I had no idea I was missing so much time. 

Instead of helping me or, believing me, I was left by so many people to figure it out. If that isn't the case then, I apologize. I can only know what I hear and, it has come to the point where believing anything good hurts so much that I can't do it anymore. I am sorry. Sorry for being who I am. Sorry for not being in love with John anymore. Sorry for being so pathetic. Sorry for not being able to stop these people from setting others up, killing others, for doing the things they have done. 

I realize I am incredibly easy to pick on. I am just so tired of feeling this way. So tired of being told how worthless, pathetic, ugly, stupid, hairy, smelly, unwanted, fat and, whatever else they can think of. I am keenly aware of how I must appear to the rest of the world. Hearing that only someone who is blind could think I am attractive sealed it for me. I don't want to be the thing that everyone hates so much I don't want to be the thing that people pity either. I am sick of all of this. I get it, people only want to help out of pity. If there is anyone else who hasn't "walked away" from me. 

I am tired of being threatened. Tired of being told this was my fucking idea. Over and, over and, over. This was my idea how? Killing me wasn't my fucking idea. Keeping me so fucking confused and, hurt that I apologize for smiling and, feel stupid for believing anything good. There is no life left in me. There just isn't. I am sorry, this is just how it has to be. 

I am not ever going to understand how my own fucking family would be ok with me being tortured to death. I get made fun of for saying it's torture but, it is. By the definition of torture, that is what has been done to me. Over five years of hearing this but, a lifetime of it being done. 

I have tried to figure out how to survive and, I can't. I have tried to understand things that I have done in my life and, repair things that I caused. There is only so much I can do and, nothing can be fixed. Nothing can be repaired. Normal for the people that have been hurt by all of this will never be the same. People will have to learn how to feel ok and, nice forward in a way that is abnormal from the future they thought they would have. It's the simple reality. Too many things in my life have been destroyed for anything to ever be able to find a new normal.

To be told to trust my husband, then told other men are my husband when, I have been severely punished for even so much as thinking a name other than John, that is just a tiny example of my confusion. I can't trust John, that much is clear. It's all too much. 

I am sorry for so many things I didn't do. I feel guilty for being alive while they use me to kill others. If I had just killed myself sooner then they wouldn't have had to kill and, hurt others. I was told people would blame me for their loved ones death and, they do. I have heard them. If I hadn't been born, this wouldn't have had to be done. How can anyone say something like that? John, who hears nothing, has said that to my face. In fact, the man I get punished for not trusting, repeats all kinds of things that he swears he can't hear and, knows nothing about. That is how he picks fights, one of the ways anyways. I am blamed for it all though. I have to apologize for it all 

Even though I tell him not to come back or, he swears he will never be back, he always is. There is always some reason I let him, ask him or, he shows up. I am clearly not strong enough to make him stay away. I listen to him make fun of me for still talking to him. This morning he send me a bunch of texts and, when his mother found out I heard her yelling at him because some chick had spent the night with him there. Why fuck with my head? Why pretend to care and, then belittle me when I don't believe him? I had already heard from one of the last people I do trust that he was using his mother's place to cheat on me. Why do things like, to wave my brothers scooter, half finished knowing u don't know how to fix it? So you can come back? No. No way. No thank you 

I heard earlier my brother will get a new scooter for getting rid of me and, someone was excited that they would get his old one! It doesn't seem like there is much motivation to help me survive. I have come to fully understand my life is over.

I am sorry that I didn't live who.i was supposed to. Even though I have been clear about who I love, I am still told someone else is walking away. It wouldn't matter except, I am told the man I do love has concerns that it is the other person I love. I am so tired of always having my guard up and, trying to explain why I feel the way I feel that I can't do it anymore. Each time I try to open up, I get hurt more. I am sorry that this has been done the way it has. I am told at times it was done to make me a better person, to help me but,there was nothing wrong with me. My house was clean, my children taken care of, I was looking for work and, getting ready to go back to school. There was no reason except the ones they gave me. I was too cocky for someone so fat, John didn't deserve to be so happy and, I have to die so they can blame me for everything 

Even though Tracy has admitted to setting up my family and, another family and, is now pleased as punch that she now has that family on her side, things aren't getting better. I am called a child molester and, child abuser by too many people. Told nobody will help me because I am a drug addict.

I can't take anymore. Now that I know how easy I am to replace. "Just the woman men use until they can find a real woman " I am done with believing in myself and, everyone else. I am the problem and, I will take care of the problem. At this moment, I hate myself more than I ever have and, I doubt that will change. I give up. I can't believe anything good. That much is very obvious. I hate being alive.