I Can Not Believe These People
These people are grown ass adults. Respected members of society and, they get their rocks off by hurting people.
I married someone I loved and, I have been so completely humiliated by the entire relationship. Tortured because Angela said she thought John loved me and, she couldn't handle the fact he married me. She was convinced I somehow tricked him into marrying me.
I feel stupid enough as it is but, to have this done and, not be able to get any kind of help and, to have thought that it was ok to be myself, I feel so stupid.
I actually believed that people cared about me! Believed that people were trying to help me survive and, that I could move forward and, get away from John Butterfield. Now, I have no clue what to believe except that he will be getting another set of divorce papers and, this time I pray to God that he signs them.
They have altered so many things about the person I was. "Jennifer, do you remember the happy, confident person you were when this started? You'll never be her again!" Like it is something they can be proud of! They have destroyed my life. My future is almost non existent and, my kids are being hurt as well.
Nothing that anyone could ever be guilty of would justify being treated so badly. People I had so much respect for, people I loved, people unwanted in my life, most of them have abandoned me.
I get made fun of for everything. Nothing about me is ever going to be good enough and, Inam not sure why they believe it is ok to do something so damaging to another human being. What gives them the right to so clearly destroy someone and, how they can feel no guilt for anything is overwhelming! The fact they have no problem hurting people, even people that cared about them, it is all too much.
I don't find any humor in this. There is nothing respectable or, anything that can make this something you can learn from. The only thing I have learned is that I am seen as a worthless, fat, hairy, ugly, stupid bitch. I learned that I am not going to be accepted unless I can find a way to be perfect. I learned that no matter how hard I try, I am going to be ripped apart. Why? Because these people have a very skeeer vision of what is acceptable in life.
Bullying someone and, punishing them for not only what you had them do when they removed your free will but, for feeling so beaten down by the 24/7 non stop abuse because they for whatever reason expect you to be perfect. They hold you to a standard that is unobtainable and, then when you are finally so worn down you can't do anything, that gets thrown in your face.
I am so very sorry that anyone who sees me naked would never want to be with me. That does wonders for the self esteem of anyone that is said about. Makesnsomeonensi happy to be alive.
I think they are super duper great people and, excellent time models, especially when they use my voice to say whatever they want to, to whom ever they want to and, they punish me for whatever was said!
I have no self esteem left no desire to be alive. I am so tired of being hurt by so many people. Tired of the abuse I am out through by people I should have been able to trust. I have been supportive of my brother, the one I live with, defending him and his right to be or, like whatever makes him happy. It isn't anyone's business unless it is against the law. Then, I get to sit here and, listen to him about in the food and, drinks. Make fun of me, laugh at me for liking someone they say raped me. "Hehehehehe they raped you!" You are my brother, what did you do to stop them or, make sure that they couldn't hurt anyone else? Nothing that I am aware of and I am told the same things about him.
It gets old super fast to hear people talk about how badly abused I have been and, how I have been raped by so many people and, multiple times. It has made me feel like I am completely worthless. Violated and, then left to hear how it has happened so many times by so many people. It hurts in a way that I can't describe. Then, I have to listen to l, I am told John, and, others talk about how I am so terrible in bed, how I don't move around enough, how I am so disgusting John can't keep his dick hard listen to him say how bad I taste it, smell or, various other things. It has done serious and, lasting damage. I am scolded for saying something that he says about himself. Although l, even when I say nothing and, just bite my tongue, I am still punished for past offenses. We are both in the wrong but, I am the one that pays the price while gentrits off and, does whatever or, whoever he feels like!
I am tired of being told how easy to replace I am. How nobody wants me. How I have to stay with John because, nobody else could ever possibly find me attractive. John doesn't find me attractive either.
It hurts to remember his mother saying that he was the happiest she had ever seen him in to have her doing this to me as well. It makes no sense to just keep hurting the same person. I am being punished for being tortured.
I am sick of things being taken out on me when I barely say anything negative or, belittling. They pick and pick and pick them, act like I am the problem when I finally snap.
I am sorry that I no longer am able to believe anything good, about myself or, anyone else. No matter how hard I try to remain upbeat and, positive, I am constantly told anything and, everythingbticmakenkenfeel insecure and, worthless. I have tried to understand what is going on and, I am sorry I can't
I have defended people that every single other voice has put down. Picked that person over the friends I have left each and, every time. Still tried to believe when I have been so belittles and, disrespected by their voice that I sit and, cry begging for mercy. Asked a million times why they are putting so much effort into keeping us apart from each other. Been thrown to the side time and, time again until I finally developed feelings for someone else. In the end though, even though I am forever told how unwanted I am by one person, each time I hear them, I smile. Each time I talk to them, I feel happier. I can't wait to hear their voice and, even someone who I care about pointed that out. It takes a lot of love and, understanding to love someone and, be able to point out that there is someone else that I love. I am sorry that it is this way. I know that there are a lot of reasons why I shouldn't feel the way I do but, it is how I feel.
I am sorry that I have hurt people. I have been told how someone has been there for me and, how that same person hurt me. I am told that everyone hurt me. That I was raped by a lot of people. I know the things I have heard and, some of the things that have been done to me and, maybe because I can't remember what was done, it made it easier to believe the best in people, rather than the worst. I try to believe the best in everyone anyways. I try to forgive people that hurt me and, move forward in life. I love this person, I do not believe they have hurt me and, I am not sure what else to say.
I am tired of learning to trust people only to find out later that I am stupid. Why would you force them to interact with me, knowing that I accept their apologies or, believe in them. Knowing they open up to me and, I to some of them, only to crush me and, make me hate myself for caring? What is being accomplished? I am sorry that I am still too trusting or, that I wear my heart if my sleeve. Those are things that I like about myself. I don't want to change some things. I didn't want to change nearly as much as they demanded I change. I loved the person I was. I don't know why being confident was so terrible. Why learning to trust people was so bad. I had thick skin. I had a good sense of humor. I was kind, loving, open and, honest. We all tell little lies at some point.
The world had to see me the same way Angela did and "Angela gets what Angela wants!"
These people have stolen things from me, things that I need. Yet, it is ok because, who knows how they justify it?;
I am tired of feeling the way I do. I am made to feel shame for everything about me. The way I look, think, talk, everything. It is too much.