I Am Sorry
I can't handle this anymore. I am sorry, I am just not strong enough. I am at the point where I regret surviving this long.
I am uncertain why people felt like I needed to learn that I can't trust everyone. I didn't trust everyone anyways.
It hurts to know that, in person or, in normal ways to communicate, people kept lying to me. It is confusing to say the least
Then, to have learned to trust some of the people I heard this way, only to I find out how stupid I am, that hurts too.
Even though people know they drugged me and that I don't remember being around most of these people in person, I am still told I cheated on John more than he cheated on me and, called a whore all the time.
My own family is gone now. I am aware they don't believe me and, they only see me as a drug addict and, a slut.
I can't believe that John and my brother continued to drug me and, let people into this apartment to have sex with me. I have to accept that as the truth though. My Uncle (at least it was my Uncle Tom's voice) is fully aware of this. I heard him talking about it. About how he was "led to believe" that someone didn't have sex with me! They say they did though and, I heard them crying about it for a while. I am not sure but, that person may not be as healthy as some people have been led to believe. I have no way of knowing since I only know what I hear and, what I hear has been healthy, not healthy! How could my own family know that this was/is being done to me and, still tell me they don't know anything each time I ask?
Why was it so important that I learn not to trust anyone except these people who are mostly only voices to me?
I feel so sick and, so stupid. There must be something wrong with me. Something that has made it easy for so many people to target me. For my own family to help my brother who has hurt me and, my children and, throw me away. To hear them (my mom's voice) say, others have also said this, that they know I have been telling the truth, they just don't care! Sort of let's me know everything that I need that know.
I didn't know what was being done to me. Didn't know this group existed, let alone the rules they had. When I heard someone say that they barely got to someone's doctor before they showed up firntheir visit, I let that person know! I know now that you aren't supposed to believe or, say anything. Why? Why wouldn't you try to let someone know something like that?!
There was no way for me to be able to fight back. Not alone anyways. They tell me I loved people just to get them in my side but, not at all true I didn't believe that all of these people hurt me the way they say they did. Wouldn't I remember any of it? Even just one thing that they say was done? I remember tiny clips but, besides scaring me, I remember nothing. Without people talking to me using a normal way to communicate, without being able to go bro someone and, ask questions, without being able to trust anyone, there wasn't anything I could do.
I have been so beaten down for no reason. So hurt and, lied to that I can barely find a grip on anything real. I can't understand how my own mother could hate me so much that she would continue to lie to me. I thought my mom and, I were close.
John and, I fought. I have apologized a lot more than I should ever have had to. He has lied to me, started fights, became physical even before I did and, plenty of times I would raise my voice and, he would hit me! Then, he would deny it. He has lied to me about all of this. He knew before I met him what was being done to me! I have been told that he volunteered to be with me and, even though I loved him, believed in him, defended him for so long, he never loved me. He tells me now that he never wanted to marry me. He said I somehow tricked him
He says a lot of things I do not understand and, I wish that I did. I wish I could have been allowed to know and, understand what happened that I can't remember and, what was real
There is a huge block of time indo not remember. I was told August 3, 2021 - August 25, 2021. I don't know what exactly to believe now. I thought I could trust someone and, then I was told that person was supposed to kill me and, that he severely injured someone that I liked very much. I was told that I was covered in that person's blood. How could I not remember something like that?!
I was making pasta salad with shrimp not all that long ago and, someone said that we had that exact meal together! When?
The frightening thing is, I kind of believe that might have happened. When I fully understood who they say was hurt and, the person that I love that is connected to that person, I stopped talking to the person they have accused of hurting him.
John, who knows nothing, has told me several times that "nobody had a gun to your head and, made you do or, say anything Jennifer!" It made me feel in edge and, I still do not know why he would say something like that.
I have learned that John has said and, done a lot of things that correlate to that time period. The voices that I learned to trust had either told me something similar or, would tell me that had already been done to me. If I asked John though, it would only make things worse.
John would say things like:
He knows I like two dicks in my asshole.
How he wishes he could inject me with something that paralyzed me and, then wave at me while someone beats the shit out of me.
He told me about how a "friend" of his told his wife to go suck someones dick and, that she did it!
Only to be told those things happened to me. That I was raped so viciously I was left bleeding.
Once they knew for sure I couldn't remember anything, they began accusing me of being a child molester! I AM NOT A CHILD MOLESTER AND, I LOVE MY KIDS WITH ALL OF MY HEART! I don't understand. I don't know what is going on. I didn't know I was missing time the way I know now. I thought overnight but, I was wrong.
I am blamed for so many things that they said they did, right from the beginning. I am not a fucking child molester. I can't even begin to imagine why anyone would believe that I was.
Angela said early in that she molested my daughter and, they would demand that I "stick my finger inside of her to clean her properly!" It got so bad, I couldn't even give her a bath anymore. Once, they told me I had to ask her if she had been molested but, u had to ask a specific way to "unlock her memories!" I still couldn't get anyone to believe or, take me seriously about what I was saying. So, not sure what the fuck was going in I asked her the way they told me. She gave me the name of who she said "touched her in the panty area!" I took that seriously. I didn't understand what was happening. Angela had said at least 11 people had molested her and, I kept trying to understand why she was doing all of that! My mother and, I took her to the hospital but, the child advocate (who they said they tortured nearly to death using my name and, voice) said the doctor told her it had been longer than two weeks. She said they told her if I opted to do the exam they would have to dispose of any evidence! I opted not to have the exam. The jext time I took her to the doctor they harassed me and, threatened to kill my son and, I left.
Now, it is very clear why this has all been done. At one point Angela had said she had evidence that John molested my daughter and, someone who claimed to be her mother said she was calling the police and, that I should too. I called and, I defended John. The "police" called back and, talked to John. He said they told him to take me to West Hills but, the city we lived in had behavioral health so, why did they suggest to take me to a different city?
I HAVE NEVER MOLESTED ANYONE. EVER. I am sorry that I ever trusted John, that's for sure. During the time period that I can not remember and, they know I can't remember, they are now saying I molested my daughter. I can't get my own mother to believe me and, I am sorry but, it is time for me to give up. I am sick of being hurt. Sick of people believing something so horrific about me.
These people hurt me so fucking badly and, they hurt others as well. I know they are lying about me.
Why did Tracy accuse John and, Inif molesting her when she left her with us at Christmas if she had evidence that I did something to her? I even heard her telling my parents to take her to the cldoctornafyer she had returned my daughter to them. "Take her to be examined now, she will definitely show signs of abuse!" It wasn't until it was confirmed that I can't remember that she went all out crazy. I have never been able to see anything they show everyone else. I am only allowed to hear their reactions. I can hear people crying and, accusing me of things I have never done.
I already didn't want to live. I am so hurt and, depressed that I am ready to give up. Over five years of being horribly abused and, I am so depressed that I can't function normally. To listen to people crying and, have no clue what the fuck they are seeing, this is unnerving and, causing me to have extreme anxiety. I have no way of knowing what anyone else has sent. No way of getting anyone to believe me and, no way of knowing what is going on. They have destroyed my life and, my children's lives. For what reason? I DIDNT DO ANYTHING. They went from blaming one man, saying that I asked that person to abuse her, to blaming another man! I have heard my daughters voice each time the second man has been mentioned telling me to stay away from him. Last night or, the night before (things have started to blur a little due to the extreme trauma) I heard her voice say that he hurt her.
I have no way of knowing what is real. No way of understanding anything hing that is being done. I feel sick to my stomach and, I am giving up. I can't handle the stress anymore.
I love my kids more than anyone understands and, I am sorry that I had to give up. I am innocent and, I can't take anymore.