I Am Not The Way People Believe

I used to have self esteem. Sinuses to live the person I was and, I was happy trying just to do better than I did the day before. Things were so different before.

I had healed from the last time they say they did this to me. Learned how to forgive myself for mistakes. I took things one day at a time but, I had a plan for my future. I was happy with the direction my life was going. My children were safe at home with me and, I had a great support system in place. I was a newlywed and, I thought that nothing could keep us down.

I was very wrong.

That all feels like a lifetime ago. Now, I stmit here and, listen to people hate me. I can't get anyone to talk to me about this in person and, I feel completely abandoned by everyone. I know there must be people there for me but, u feel so alone and, hurt that I guess I can't find them. I am at such a huge disadvantage in life that, I am not sure where to turn. 

Everyday, hundreds of times, I lost someone. I am not exactly sure what I have done to make so many people hate me but, it must have been pretty bad. 

I have been hurt so badly and, by so many people that I have finally given up. Given uo believing that I am a person. It doesn't do any good to think that there might be someone who understands I haven't done at least 75© if the things I am hated for. People don't talk to me or, usually even at me about me. They ask each other and, when they do, they rarely believe what I say. I have learned over the years that I am not a person. 

I am their puppet. Something to use and, play with. Now that they have decided they are tired of using me, they are ready to throw me away. Not that it is an issue for anyone. I am just a whore, a stupid slut. I don't really have the will power to give a shit anymore. They make fun of me and, say how I blame them for everything. I don't. I have taken responsibility for the things I have done. I have made mistakes. I learned. I grew up. In their world though, they just don't care. Apparently, nobody can change. Nobody can learn to do better in life.

The fact that I am so beaten down and, everyone hates me and, is leaving my life is funny to them. They are celebrating the good feeling they have by destroying my life. The past is the past. I am not the same as I was but, the way things have been done, it won't matter 

They have already told me tonight that, they have proven they are better people than I am. I already knew that since, I am not a person. I am a thing that they can hurt with no conscience. Most of them are not part of my life, so to them I am not real. 

I have been hurt  so badly I am now afraid to care about others. The people incare about will only be used to hurt me. I am afraid to let my guard down and, smile, talk to people or, be happy. As soon as I do, they begin an attack that will demolish anything that felt good in my life. I am not sure how people don't realize just how bed what they have done is. Then, they continue to ask me "do you even care?" Seriously?! How can you ask me that? What am I doing wrong that makes people think I didn't care?

I thought I was a good person. I tried my hardest at everything I did. I tried. It doesn't really matter though. If someone in my life tried and, they believed I didn't acknowledge their efforts, not only did I feel terrible but, it upset them. I guess that is just something that people get. I haven't been able person in a long, long time.

It has made me afraid now to believe that anyone cares about me. I have been told so many times that someone cares only to be told later that they never did or, that they regret caring. People I lived with all of my heart hate me. My daughter hates me because people keep walking out of her life too. I am sorry, I don't know what I did to make everyone hate me so much. I truly don't understand any of this. 

I guess I am as stupid as they tell me I am. That has to be why I can't understand anything. I am so hurt and, so beaten down that I don't know what to do. I can't fix anything. I can't even do anything right. Most of the time I didn't do what I am blamed for but, it didn't matter. They still hate me and, blame me. There is nothing I can do. They wanted to remove everyone for m my life. They wanted me to have no friends, no family. They told me in the beginning I wouldn't ever be able to believe anyone loved me ever again and, mission accomplished. I truly am stiluoid for thinking that people would be able to understand that I am innocent. It just doesn't matter anymore.

People Believe what they believe and, I am no longer able to convince anyone that I am not the thing they see me as. 

I regret a lot of things and, I am really sorry that people regret meeting me or, telling me they live me or, talking to me. It is so hurtful and, humiliating to listen to so much hate and, I am so tired of being blamed. If I say something, someone will always think it was said to someone it wasn't. They use my voice or, they hurt me and, let others believe my reaction is to them. They were right, it didn't matter at all what they have done to me, it only mattered how I reacted. I shouldn't have thought that people would understand. 

I miss being happy. I miss people being nice to me. I am so tired of being told that nobody can like me because of my face or, because I am too fat! So tired of being told to kill myself. Tired of asking for people to talk to me or, help me or, want me in their lives. I feel pathetic, ugly, worthless, unwanted and, so many other things.

I rarely am allowed to hear my own children, not that most people believe me. I am sick and, tired of being told that I am ignoring my children or, that I don't think about them. What the fuck? I lived for them. They were taken away by this group and, I was told I have to stop them to be able to get them back. I wasn't able to stop them and, now I know I will never be able to see them again. I am tired of trying to get people to realize I AM NOT USUALLY ALLOWED TO HEAR THEM. They don't believe me anyways. There is nothing I can do. I couldn't even get my own mother to believe me. 

I miss them so much. I was a good mom, nobody believes that either but, I was. I did everything I could to help them and, be there for them. Once I needed help and, emotional support though, once I needed too much and, I physically and, mentally couldn't give them 100% of me, I got blamed all the time. I couldn't get the help I needed and, it has caused me to realize that when I needed people most people couldn't help me. They didn't even want to try. As a result, I wasn't able to find my way back to being a person and, I get blamed for not being able to be there for them. 

The abuse has caused me to shit down. They keep denying that this is abuse. Their manipulation, in an effort to prove I was never like the person I said I was, has killed me. People don't see or, hear the manipulation I guess. They just call me a terrible mom all the fucking time. I have tried so God damn hard but, it didn't matter. I have lost everyone that I loved and, most of them didn't even love me.