How Stupid Can Someone Be

It is sad to realize that someone would rather destroy their own son instead of being a grown up. Oh no, someone said something about my little Johnny, they must die. This whole thing has made him seem like a little baby that can't say anything to defend himself. 

To hear them tell me to trust him makes me sick. When I trusted him and, did what he said, they punished me for it! I hate him for the things he did to me. The way he treated me and, ti listen to some of them, he was a saint. The perfect man! Gag.

How he could know things that they say were done to me and, instead of helping me or, talking to me, he just redid them! 

Now, I have to live with the uncertainty of what might have been done to me and, the fact that instead of helping me he did nothing but lie to me and, hurt me more. I get punished for asking him questions. Told how someone that looks the way I do should t ask questions. I should just be happy that someone was willing to be around me. The same thing I was told in the beginning! 

I am so hurt and, depressed that I am no longer able to function. I get told how stupid this whole thing is but, it has not only ripped my family apart but, it has destroyed my life.

At Easter my daughter didn't want to eat anything but, boiled eggs. She said she didn't like her food. Turns out and, I was the only one that didn't know, they had put something in some of the food. I am tired of being hurt. Tired of being poisoned. Tired of being told how this is my fault. Sick of hearing stupid shit all the time. This person or, that person is moving on. Go already. You don't have to tell me about it.

Tracy has already admitted that she "used people who felt guilty" to rape me. I am thinking in her world guilty and, can be blackmailed are one and, the same. This whole thing has taken a huge toll.

I am tired of being hurt for being myself. Tired of being hurt for trying. Tired of knowing that if someone compliments me or, finds something I do to be anything but, the worst thing they have ever seen, I will pay the price for it. 

I am at the point where I think the only thing I can actually do is die. They will probably find fault in that too though. I don't want this to be the end of my life. I just am done trying. 

What exactly do you expect from someone who not only is being tortured but, who can't remember chunks of time. In some cases, large chunks of time! They have used the fact that nobody will talk to me about this and, the missing time to say whatever the hell they want to. There is nothing I can do. Nobody I can ask. I usually try to ignore it but, after a while there isn't a way to ignore it.

They tell me it's my fault. That I don't know when or, how to keep my mouth shut. Seriously. They say anything they want with no refused to anyone else but, if I say boi back, everything is my fault. It has been that way from the beginning. 

I went to Angela, three different times, before I had ever met her and, asked her to stop. Other times I either yelled at her when she was outside or, simply left. Once I broke her headlight. I should have broken both of her headlights and, her fucking windshield. Stupid bitch. I could hear her, plain as day, she was in her backyard so, she was easy to hear. "If you break my left headlight, I will hurt your daughter. If you break the right one, I will hurt your son!" Like I said, I should have demolished her fucking car completely. What kind of bitch does shit like that? It's my fault though. Because, nothing is ever their fault!

I am done trying. I am so hurt that I can't find enough inside of me to keep caring. They will just use whoever I care about or, whatever I care about to hurt me more anyways.

I can't stand this. I am sorry I am a drug addict. Each time I try to get sober they hurt me. This time, they fucked with my head while I was sleeping. Dream manipulation. If I have to stay awake and, not only listen to this but, continue to be afraid to sleep, what the fuck do you expect?

I am never going to recover from this. I am having a hard time believing in myself. Anything good I start to question. I try to push the doubts out of my head but, I can't. I am tired of asking people to talk to me about this. It is clear they aren't going to be able to.

I was looking forward to going to a magic show that my brother invited me to. Now, I want to curl up in a hike and, try to pretend that life is normal. Every fucking thing that is good is now bad. Everything that used to bring happiness now only brings anxiety and, depression. It's my fault though. 

Nobody can do anything to make any of this stop? I am told that is my fault. They can't stop until I do everything they demand and, do it perfectly, while they do everything they can to prevent me doing what they demand.

I am not perfect, I never said I was. I am one person trying to understand why they are hurting me so badly. This is so wrong on so many levels. I am sick of taking the blame.

They have done this to me for so long and, the things I have already been through, a lot of these things they were part of. I am being punished for them fucking with my life. Taught lessons that are apparently something I need based on the words and, bullshit of other people! 

I don't care if people move on. Angela said she hated the people in this group because they all moved in without her. Life moves on. Not with them though. If you made a mistake 35 years ago, you best believe it is going to be something you will be punished for. Can't let anyone forget why they should hate you. Can't forgive yourself. Nope. You have to live with the guilt and, anxiety of it forever! This is how you are able to reach your full potential in life! 

I get overcoming negativity and, adversity but, at what point do people stop and, start to understand that this is sick. This is by far the most demoralizing and, destructive bunch of horse shit I have ever heard of. Somehow, because I continue to speak up and, tell them this, it's my fault. 

I am sick of drama and, bullshit. I am afraid of being around oeopl, just in case they also get hurt. They kill people and, nobody bats a fucking eye but, I say one thing to snap back and, all hell breaks loose. 

Fuck this. The whole thing is beyond what anyone should have to deal with. I am at the point where it is better bti never let anyone into my life. That way nobody can hurt me anymore. I hate these people and, how they believe they can cast judgement into me for not giving into their every demand. Fuck them