FUCK BEING ALIVE
It's so God damn funny to bully me to death? I hope my mother thought it was funny to lie to me, I hope they all did.
I don't care about anyone anymore. Why fucking bother? So everyone can lie to me more? So people can fucking tell me they know I told the God damn truth but, they don't fucking care? So people can pretend to be in my side, pretend they ever gave a fuck about me? So they can hurt me worse?
That's all people did. They let me be tortured to death and all they had to say was that I should have told the fucking truth. THE TRUTH IS NOBODY GIVES A FUCK THAT I DO NOT REMEMEBER WHAT THEY DID TO ME. MY IWN FUCKED UP FAMILY HELPED KILL ME. THE MOST I GOT WAS CLUES GOW TI SAVE MY LIFE AND, LIES. PEOPLE PRETENDING THAT ANYONE CAN SURVIVE THIS. PEOPLE PRETENDING THAT I UNDERSTAND OR, KNKW A KOT MORE THAN I DO. PEOPLE YELLING ME WHO IS MY FRIEND. OEOPLE DEMANDING THINGS FROM ME, NOT IN OERSON WHERE I COULD AT KEAST KNOW WHO WAS MAKING DEMANDS. NOT IN OERSON AS IF I WAS A PERSON TOO LOL THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN TOO MUCH. WE ALL KNOW I AM NOT A FUCKING PERSON.
THEY ORETEND THAT THEY DIDNT KNOW THIS WAS TO KILL ME THEN SAY FUCKED UP SHIT LIKE "WHATS THE OIINT IF DOING THIS IF SHE SURVIVES?"
THIS THING THAT NOBIDY CARES ABOUT ENOUGH TO TREAT LIKE IT WAS A OERSON ONCE TOO FINALKY DOESNT GIVE A FUCK. IT WAS MUCH BETTER TO BELITTLE AND BERATE ME UNTIL I FULLY UNDERSTAND HOW WORTHLESS I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN.
ANYTIME I ASK IF THEY ARE HAPIY NOW, THEY REPLY THAT I AM STILL BREATHING. I "DESTROYED THEIR KIFE BT MARRYING JIHN BUTTERFIELD!" REALLY!? I MARRIED A MAN I LOVED, INE WHI I WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO BELIEVE LOVED ME. WHY KIE TO ME AND ORETEND THIS IS ALL IN MY HEAD THEN? BUT, HEY THATS WHAT YIU CHISE TO DO. HE PRETENDED TO GIVE A FUCK, JUST LIKE ANGELA TRACJVESKI PRETENDED TO SAY NICE THINGS ABOUT ME WHILE DOING THIS TO ME AND, TO ALL OF YOU. SHE GURED PEOPLE TO KILL ME. SHE DID THIS AND, SHE HAS ADMITTED IT! I HAVE TO DIE THOUGH.
BRANDON MADINA CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS. I DO NOT CARE
I HAVENT SEEN HIM IN 12 FUCKING YEARS. WHY WOULD IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE?! YOU KEEP LYING TO ME. YOU KEEP PRETENDING THAT ALL THESE HORRIBLE THINGS HAPPENED TO ME AND THAT ANYONE CARED. IT IS VERY, VERY CLEAR THAT VERY, VERY FEW PEOPLE CARE AT ALL.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO SOMEONE? WHY WOULD YOU DESTROY SOMEONENS LIFE LIKE THIS? EVEN MY OWN MOTHER FUCKING LIES TO ME AND, THINKS ITS SO GOD DAMN FUNNY. I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO BELIEVE ANYONE TEULY WANTS ME TO BE ALIVE. HOW COULD MY OWN FAMILY BE PART OF SOMETHING SO FUCKING SICK.
THIS IS THE SICKEST, MOST GORRIFIC GROUP OF PEOPLE I HAVE EVER HEARD OF. ALL YOU DO IS RIP ME APART AND GET MAD AT ME FOR NOT UNDERSTANDING. THEN, AFTER I FLAT OUT TELL YOU I DONT FUCKING UNDERSTAND, YOU TELL ME "I DONT THINK YOU UNDERSTAND!" NO FUCKING SHIT. I JUST SAID THAT!
I CANT TAKE ANYMORE. THEN, YOU TELL ME YOU ARE TORTURING ME TO GET ME OFF DRUGS. YOU FUCKED MY HEAD UP SO GOD DAMN BAD, YOU KNOW I AM MISSING CHUNKS OF FUCKING TIME, YIU AXMIT I TOLD THE TRUTH ABOUT EVERYTHING, YOU ADMIT EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE WHY AM I STILL BEING PUNISHED?
"WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT THAT?" "WHO WOULD WANT THAT?" I AM JUST A THAT. A DEAD THAT!
I didn't blame any Angela except Angela Tracjveski. I only blamed Tracy Butterfield AFTER she did this to me in fucking person! I defended her every single time Angela Tracjveski said that John's family did this to her. I begged Angela to stop before she ended up killing Tracy and, all she did was sing a song about how Tracy would die when John was in jail and, how John would hate me forever. Now, she just says she didn't think this would work so well!
I am so sick and, fucking tired of being called a God damn liar. What the fuck did I lie about? What, to my uncle when I told him I didn't love Brandon? I don't trust him. He blames me for my dad hearing my voice when he died! He tells me that him and, some of these people "go way back!" Why would I trust someone who not only said he would take the wrap for my dad's death, his brother but, who admitted to doing this to EJ? Why would I trust him? Why would I trust my dad's other brother who denied all knowledge of this when I asked him less than a month after this started? They were here when you all said I was raped. So was John apparently!
Lucky for me I have such a solid family that lives me. Ih, ok, well...... Angela Tracjveski said that I took everyone away from her and, my life makes her question her place in this world! How? I don't know her. I never heard her name before I met John. How can a complete fucking stranger make her question her place in this world.
She is the one that said it makes her feel like the better woman to take a man that is in a relationship too. She has done so many fucked up things and, I havent done anything but, be set up and, most of you know that but, I die anyways?! Fine.
What's the fucking point of life? I don't know what, if anything hLlened to me. I only remember very small bits and, pieces. Even though I have admitted that and, told you what I remember, someone tells people I remember nothing so then I sound like a bigger fucking liar.
I give up. I can't do anything good enough. All you do is beat me down and the act like this is all my fault!
Angela Tracjveski tried to sue John! She said he "gaslit" her. He pretended he was going to marry her and, married me instead! She tried to hire Angela Bullentini. She said she found people to cover for all the things she did, then Tracy said the same thing. Next thing I know I am being blamed for accusing people indid not accuse. I didn't even know your sisters fucking name, how was I blaming her? They keep turning people in using my fucking information. John fucked with my reality and, I am stupid and, afraid and, tired of being told how lazy and worthless I am. I am sorry I needed help and Angela Tracjveski said that people kept helping me and not her so nobody was allowed to help me now. What the fuck. I didn't do anything to her and, I am sorry I fought with John. I get it, I am blamed for every fight with John and, he swears straight to my face that he not only has never hit me but, that he didn't even hit me when he got arrested in December 2929. Sorry, he says he didn't hit me first! How is that true?!
Angela said she started that fight because, I deserved to be treated like that and, to prove true live isn't really really real! Ok then.
Tracy wanted to torture me back to who I was before I met John, sure, that should work perfectly! They lie to me in person then, tell me the truth this fucked up way! What does that do? I don't know how to do this and, obviously Tracy knows that. I was supposed to learn how to by the end but, instead I die.
Life used to have happiness in it. I chose to be happy and, I was able good person and,a good mom. Not a perfect mom but, a good mom.
Now, since I guess what they tell me this way is true, I get told look forward to being drugged and, raped by my own brother. I have no memory of it and, nobody will talk to me about any of this. They talk AT me just fine but, to me like I was a person isn't allowed! I AM TOLD JOHN AND, MY BROTHER MICHAEL TOOKEY BOTH DRUG ME AND, LET OEOPLE INTO THIS APARTMENT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME. I HAVE HEARD SOMETIMES I AM COMPLETELY PASSED OUT. Somehow I am supposed to believe that and, then believe that my own mother thinks that she should lie to me about what is happening and, defend my brother!
Why keep yelling tell the truth? I am telling you the truth and, I am not a child molester.
Now that I know what my family has done and, that they did this and, hurt a family that I loved. The people, besides my children, that I found happiness talking to and, I have no family now. Not only did they hurt me and, lie to me but, to do this to people that now hate me because of who my family is, I don't have it in me to try anymore.
Not just because of my family and, they have promised me that they will fight me for my daughter and, they have the money to fight and, I don't but, a life where I will spend the rest of it thinking about people that walked away from me because they didn't believe I was worth anything, I am already so depressed I can't function like a normal person.
I love my kids and, they deserve a better mom than I can be now. They deserve family and, happiness and, I can't provide anything for anyone. I am sorry for being so stupid. I am sorry now that my dad tried to protect us from all of this. Sorry that I am not strong enough to keep being hurt. I told the truth, I can't make you believe anything other than what you choose to. I know they have used my voice for a very long time and, I feel guilty for that. I feel incredibly guilty that the last voice people heard was one that would have tried to help them survive and, find happiness, not one that would kill them.
This whole thing is sick. I am really sorry that I am the reason they did this and, the reason they won't stop. I wish John had told me the truth, especially about his imaginary friend George! I am so embarrassed and, ashamed and, I am truly sorry that they could t be stopped. I am told that is my fault too.
I know only a few things about my life. The most important is it was the best thing that ever happened to me and, it brought me the most joy I have ever had, I am grateful to have been Alex and, Sophia's mother. Nothing in this world was more important to me and, I am sorry that my addiction caused our lives to be destroyed. Please try to forgive me.