Everybody Wants Me To Die
It would be nice to remember what it feels like to be happy without being afraid of being hurt for it. To remember what it feels like to love someone and, not worry that they will be hurt too
Everything about me has made so many people want to hurt me. The more it hurts, the more I start to shut down. The more I shut down the more people hate me. It's a vicious circle that is completely my fault. Nothing I do is going to be able to make this stop. They have already said they will have to do this for the rest of their lives. That way nobody will care that I died until after they are dead.
With so many people doing this to me, I didn't stand a chance. I can't understand why everyone hates me so much. I know I wasn't perfect. I made mistakes. I tried to learn from them and, always tried to let people know how important thet were to me. I have lost so many people in life that I never wanted someone to wonder if they were loved or not. I didn't know it was a bad thing to care about people. I didn't know that by caring about people it would hurt them but, it did.
I know if I had died sooner, they would have stopped sooner. My life has prevented other people from living. They were very clear about that
My son, I am told Hayes me. I have heard he believes all I think about is men and, sex. It hurts so bad that people obviously believe the lies about me. Even people that said they loved me. Now, they all sound the same. "Do you live me?" Is almost always followed by something like "then let me go" or " never think about me again!" I am so hated people are doing this to their own family members to keep me away from them! So hated even my mom lied to me when I begged for help. I know all of this has been done because they hate me
How can someone admit to having their mother out on sleepy time music and, nothing happens but more people hate me! It was ok for people to make demands without wanting me around. I wasn't worth talking to in person about this. I wasn't worth anything. That is the most obvious thing there is.
They say they loved me but, now hate me. I guess I have been hurt too badly for people to love me now. They talk about my kids non stop. They don't even give me a chance to think about them. Then, they punish me for not thinking about them. They sabotage me and, then blame me.
Why couldn't anyone understand? Why didn't they want to talk to me about all of this? What is so wrong with me that, my own mother would rather let me and, my children suffer the worst abuse imaginable and, lie to us about it? What did I ever do in life to cause so much hate to be thrown my way? I can't understand anything. Why does everyone want me to die?
TORTURE, THAT IS WHAT THEY DID TO ME. They tortured me and, it didn't matter to my own family. They just jumped in and, started helping kill me. Nothing about me was good enough. I told the truth and, I thought people believed me but, they didn't care very much. They just tell me I wasn't tortured that badly!
If I care about anyone, they get hurt. If I don't care, they want to hurt me! I am already being hurt. I am being murdered and, I guess it's what I deserved.
I am sorry I am a drug addict. I guess that's why nobody would talk to me and, that is what made me something other than a person! I have little to no support and, I guess I should have learned by now how to deal with so many people wanting me to die. Because I get high, I wasn't worth anything. Because I get high, people didn't want me around. It was ok for people to poison me. It is fine with me too. All I wanted was to feel like a person instead of whatever it is I am. Not one person has ever talked to me about all of this in person. Not even about drugs. Since I am not a person, the commands come from the air around me. It's difficult to explain how worthless and, unwanted I feel. It is going to be impossible to explain how much I hate myself and, how badly I want to die.
It wasn't just words that killed me. Although the words are horrible. I am so disgusting people would rather sleep with a relative than be around me! I am so bad in bed and, so fat and, ugly. I never thought I was beautiful, I just never thought I was so ugly that I can no longer stand to look at myself. I have been taught that there is nothing that will ever be good enough about me. Those are the lessons that they wanted menti learn. That is what these people have gone out of their way, taken time out of their lives, to teach me. After all this time, I have learned. I can't get nymb enough for the pain to go away. I can't get people to understand that I used to be a person too. It sounds like all the understand is that I have to die. That it is ok to hate me and, abuse me.
After all, it was ok to hurt me so badly I can't remember what the fuck happened to me. My family didn't even believe me. Like Tracy, they just tell me I am faking. I have heard that so many, many times. Apparently, I exhibit all the signs of extreme abuse and, trauma but, I am faking. They tell me that I looked it up and, I am just doing what it said. Not true but, it no longer matters.
The fact they bring up every single day the horrific things they have done, I can't heal. I can't do anything but, be forced to live in the trauma and, nobody will say anything to me, just at me. I am so afraid of staying alive and, I am afraid of dying. I will never be able to be myself again. My own family could have helped make this stop. My own family didn't want to help me. I can't survive.
I got off drugs before. When John was in prison. That is when tmmy brother roofied me. That is when the month of nightmares began. Not that anyone gives a fuck. I WAS SOBER DURING THAT TIME. I had just gotten out of jail. I had that stupid monitor in my ankle. I was sober, even after they took it off! Sober made the attack that much worse. They wouldn't let me sleep. That is when things started getting bad, really bad. Then, they started getting a little better.
Tracy started being nicer to me. Started inviting me over to see my daughterm my friends started talking to me again. These people had almost completely stopped terrorizing me. I felt like there was hope. That this was finally stopping.
Then, August 2022 came and, John came home from prison. I was so happy. So full of hope that all the promises he made were real and, that we were going to make our marriage work. That didn't even last a day. Every promise was a lie. I quickly realized I should have stayed with the person I was with for a while when he was gone. I still kept trying.
John wanted a second chance. A clean slate. A faithful relationship. He said he had so much to make up for. He was going to help make this stop and, help me get my kids back in my life. He sent all these cards from prison stalking about how I am super mom. How much he couldn't wait to see his beautiful wife. All these things. All lies. I still tried.
When I stopped trying and, started to get over John, things got even worse. I still tried. John, I believed that there was a bigger picture. That even though we were no longer in love, we were still friends and, that he still was helping me make this stop and, get my kids back. He was just doing it in the background. I still thought I was a person though too. Now, I know he just wants me to die. When he told me he didn't want to have to kill me, it was obviously confirmation. Yet, when I kick him out for being so abusive, I get punished. He says he has nobody to go to. That he doesn't know anyone so he just wanders the streets. Now, he kicks me out.
He tells me he is the only person who cares about me. The only person protecting me from my brother. I guess that must have been the truth. They tell me my brother has been poisoning me. He said his dad told him he could do whatever it took to get rid of me! Now, I shit my pants and, don't even know it. My shit is sometimes nothing but, mucus. I am worthless so not only can't I get anyone to talk about any of this in person, I won't be able to get a job or, be anything but a fucking burden. My parents just call me a financial drain! So, I am faced with the fact that John was saving my life and, I will just have to let him kill me!
Since they have been torturing me and, it is obviously ok to do, after all I am the one that is going to be arrested. I am the one that everyone loved so much they didn't want to be around me. I am the one that everyone blames. I am the one that is going to fucking die! I am the one whose kids hate them! I can't take anymore.
It I loved someone or, cared about them or, they cared about me, they got hurt. Everyone hates me now. They all tell me I didn't help myself. I couldn't do anything to help myself. Telling me to get off drugs while making me wish I was dead and, telling me 24/7 how worthless I am isn't helping. Why can't anyone understand that? The fact that they admit to doing everything they can to keep me on drugs, doesn't help either. Why doesn't anyone believe that? If I am on drugs, they get away with all of this! For whatever reason me being on drugs is worse than anything they are doing. Worse than killing people. Worse that them molesting kids. Worse than everything they have admitted to doing! Why the fuck would they want me sober when it is what is preventing them from being caught. I'm sorry, I just can't handle this anymore. I am one fucking thing. I am so hurt I cant find a way out of the pain. Nothing makes me numb enough now to survive. I am not sure there is a person in this planet that wants me to stay alive. I was stupid to have believed that I was loved. Stupid to have thought people would care that an innocent thing was being murdered. They don't even care that this is being done to them. "If you die this all goes away!" So I die. It was better to kill me than stop them.
Everyone keeps blaming me. Everything that people are doing is somehow my fault THEY ARE DOING THIS TI EVERYONE AND, NOBIDY GIVES A FUCK. THEY JUST EANT ME TO HURT AND, DIE.
How does someone survive this? With help. So, apparently I chose to do things to make the people I loved and, needed to survive hate me. Sounds logical. I didn't need anything but, someone to talk to. Now though, I am told I used everyone! How? Isn't friendship being there both ways? I tried to be there and, that would make them hurt us worse. I still tried. "Do you care?" After being asked that a million times while trying so fucking hard to do everything they demand, before they change their mind and, do it perfectly, no not really. After hearing how everybody hates me and, nobody loves me. After being told someone who hurt me so badly is my only hope. Someone I actually loved, no, not really. After hearing my mother and, my own children tell me to kill myself. No, not really. After John proved yesterday that I will never know who hurt me but, it is obviously a lot of people. No, not really.
I have heard my own mother's voice tell my daughter to tell me to kill myself! Day after day, every day I am told to kill myself. If I get angry, snap back or, God forbid say anything negative to John who has abused me so badly that I don't want to survive anyways. Especially since I have to take the abuse and, never ever say anything to him especially not anything they say to me. He can repeat it all to me even though he swears he can't hear it but, I can't do anything but smile. He went so far as to have someone beat him with what looked like a 2x4 and, he said it was me that did it. Whoever they had convinced that I am the problem, whoever they ratted out everyone else to, even though they are the ones that have been so vocal about doing this to me, John admitted to them that I didn't give him those bruises. I bet next time I see him though, he will still blame me. He abuses me in person and, this way then makes fun of me and, beats me diwn if I ask about it. He actually will blame me right to my fucking face. Yet, I will be punished for not taking him back and, obviously he was somehow protecting me from my brother. I am stuck. They have convinced so many people that I am a child molester or, they used my voice to do this to so many people I am afraid u am going to die. Either way I am dead. I barely go outside anymore.
They tell me they even used my ginger dar and, my dog to abuse me. It's ok though because, I am a drug addict that nobody cares about. A drug addict that everyone had to hate so Angela would leave people alone.
People I don't fucking blame are pissed at me and, they have hurt me so badly. They do this to me because they say I am accusing them. When the fuck did I accuse them? Never. Who cares though. I am not something that people are able to care about. I can't care anymore either. It isn't worth the pain it causes.
THEY USED EVERYTHING AND, EVERYONE I CARED ABOUT TO HURT ME. THEY HURT ME BADLY. HIW CAN I STILL CARE WITHOUT BEING HURT? HIW CAN I STILL CARE EHEN EVERYONE I CARED ABOUT HATES MENSO MUCH THEY DONT EVEN WANT ME NEAR THEM?
I loved and, was told my love tortured people. I loved and, got told how much the ones I lived hated me. They hated me so much that they helped attack my children
Now, I get told my son tried to kill himself again! Really. I have asked my mom, since my son won't answer the phone when I call, she tells me he is good. Every fucking time. Nobody wanted me to be able to have any help nobody wanted me to be with my kids. Nobody wanted me to live. All if would have taken was talking to me in person. That way I at least could be confident with who I was talking to. In some cases that meant coming downstairs. I wasn't worth it. I am not even though anything!
I am blamed for my son trying to kill himself again!?! Again?? What the fuck? Again?? They have hurt me so badly and, people keep lying to me. I can't tell if someone who says they love me actually lives me or, if they want me to die too. I am so afraid that people would have Ahmad to knock on the door or, approach me someplace I felt safe. They tell me nobody will knock on my door because I am a whore and, only my clients knock on the fucking door. So, now along with everything else they have convinced people, I am a whore. My brother and, John, I am told, drug me until I am unconscious and, they either rape me or, let people in to rape me. They threatened someone's family if they didn't rape me! I hear people say they have proven that to my mother but, she didn't care.
I am going to be arrested, like they always tell me. For what? Being tortured to death? They got away with everything they did and, all people would tell me in a way that was normal and, made me feel like a human was, THEY DINT KNOW ANYTHING. My own mother asks me "when were you raped?!" So not only do I have to go through life knowing that I have been brutally attacked but, that nobody cared enough to even sit me down and, talk to me about it. My own mother didn't care that people were trying to kill me!
They hurt me so badly I have no place to be that someone doesn't recognize me. They were right "everyone I meet I will wonder if they did this to me!" Somehow, killing me, everyone abusing me and, lying to me in person was my "plan!" My plan for them to kill me! My plan for everyone to hate me and, blame me!
I am already so hurt I don't want live. To know that John and, Tracy both got arrested and, said it was my fault! Tracy said the drugs in her vehicle were mine. Who knows what like John told. To know that nobody in this planet gives a fuck how badly they abused my children and, me. They don't even care that this is being done to me or, that I tried to let people know that Tracy has admitted to doing this to everyone, Angela has as well, nothing mattered. Everything is my fault.
They raped me, kidnapped me, brutally attacked me in six many different ways and, nobody wanted to be around me. Nobody wanted to talk to me in person. Probably because I am not a person. Having people around me, people that didn't want me to have to guess at how to protect my children when I couldn't even protect myself, would have made a difference. Nobody wanted to do that though. My uncle told me I waAas just throwing a temper tantrum so I would get what I wanted! To live! That's what I wanted. To see my kids grow up. I didn't fucking do anything. They attacked me and, I don't even know why. I don't know why they were able to do this most of my life. I don't know why so many people hate me. They tell me I didn't help myself! What the fuck could I have done? Nobody even tried to understand. They just blame me for what other people have done.
If I stop drugs, they hurt me so badly I can't survive. They sabotage me and, admit it. All I get told is "why should we care about you?" Fuck this. I cared. I cared so much that it killed me. How can you tell me you ever cared about me then ask me when was i raped? When was i raped? Ok, that proves to me that I don't need to be alive anymore. That proves to me that nobody has ever fucking cared about me. THEY RAPED ME. They are the ones that had to tell me because I can't remembe! They told me everything that they have doento me. They wanted me to know just how badly they have hurt me they wanted me to know how much everyone hates me. They wanted me to know they would get away with everything while I get punished for things I didn't even do. While people don't want me around. Even people who acted like they wanted me around, didn't actually want me there. They would make fun of me in person.
I getthreatened by police who actually watch them torturing me. Police that know they raped me! There is nothing I can do except die infant take anymore. They hurt me so badly and, my own family helped them. My own family raped me. Nobody believed me. What do you do when your own mother tells you that you wanted to be raped? When your family helps torture you. When your own family dies things to set you up so they can punish you too. MY OARENTS HATE KENSO MUCH THEY GAVE MY BRITHER A SCOOTER FIR "DOING THE RIGHT THING!"
They have made it very, very clear that when they finally get me locked up, they will stop doing this so then it will be even easier to blame me. Why didn't anyone want to talk to me. They just keep telling me to say I knew. Say I knew what? This is how they get me to say other things then, they say that proves that I did whatever they got me to say. They say I confessed! WHAT THE FUCK DI YOU WANT ME TO SAY NOW? I DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING IN? they said there is an investigation but, no there isn't. What kind of investigation doesn't include the victim? What kind of investigation let's people he raped or, murdered? I have never had anyone talk to me about this. Not once has anyone ever come to me and, asked me one fucking question!
When I tried they punished my kids. They punished them osi badly for everything that I do. I can't survive anymore. My life hurts the people I loved. Even though they clearly didn't live me, I don't want them to be hurt. I hate myself for caring about people. It only made them get hurt. I hate everything about myself. I am so worthless that I don't know why I wanted to survive. I can't remember what it feels like to like myself and I can't even remember why I liked myself. I can't handle anymore but, I am "still breathing!" So they won't stop
They punish me for things Angela Tracjeski said and, did. They have proven they know that I am not theine that said and, did them. It didn't matter though. John told me flat out that Nacho never cared about me. He said it in the middle of a sentence. Ok, fine. I can't take so many people hating me for no fucking reason. Drugs. I died because I am a drug addict. Maybe now people will realize I didn't fucking do anything. They did this to kill me. Plain and, simple. They did this becyAngela Tracjveski couldn't be happy until I was dead! I DIDNT SO ANYTHING. THEY HAVE ADMITTED THAT TOO Nobody believes me though.
Nothing they did mattered. Everything I did was wrong and, had to be pointed out every day. They said they had to point out everything indid wrong so people would remember why they hated me! I didn't do all the things they said but, who cares? Why didn't anyone believe I did everything I could. Why didn't it matter that they are killing people. They thought it was funny they were getting away with.
It's always the same. We don't give a fuck if people are killing you. We don't give a fuck if people are blocking receptors in your brain. We don't give a fuck if you have been brutally attackedm get off drugs, it will fix everything. Get off drugs and then you will be worth helping. Get off drugs and, the trauma will disappear. Get off drugs and, your memory will magically come back. They won't stop trying to kill me l, even if I get off drugs. Who cares though. As long as I can be perfect and, do everything for my children without havingany feelings for anyone or, anything else, as long as they can continue to kill me and, I keep a smile on my face and, let them everything will be ok. THEY DIDNT HAVE TO KILL ME!
Idint want to live anymore. I can't do anything right I can't turn them in without them hurting my kids. In fact I can't do anything. No matter what I do they take offense to it. Not enough offense to talk to me in person, even though some of them are my family. They can only use everything against me to torture me. Everything I say is so twisted and, used in such a sick way that I don't want to live. I don't understand what is so bad about me? What did I do to make them kill. What did I do to make everyone blame me? What is so wrong with me that I had to die?
They let a 13 year old rape me. They let a nine year old urinated on me. They let an even younger child out his fist inside of me. They say I molested my daughter so they can get away with what they have done. But, I wasn't worth being able to have someone talk to me in person. I wasn't worth letting me have support. I didn't even know how badly they hurt me until they told me and, John came here and, told me the things he "wanted to do to me!" Which were the same things they already did to me! Through this whole thing, there hasn't been one person who would let me go to them to talk about any of this. Not one person who u could turn to for support. Not one person who would just talk to me. I don't know what I did. I know the lady time I tried, I heard them be threatened and, I know that they killed people. Family members of people who supported me, even in s indigent know supported me. What if we had all stood together though? What if we had all tried together? What if it was lnt just me standing up to them? What if they hadn't been able to isolate me?
I know they people intan from, crying they whispered to me. They had practiced making me cry when they whispered to me. Kyle Onstitt practiced that so many times that there was no way to not know he was doing that to me.. he raped me too, at least that is what I am told. Violently raped me in the anus. John told me how much I liked having two dicks in my ass and, they told me that he did that to me! My uncle tells me that I am wrong about John,that he doesn't hate me! Probably because he doesn't want to get in trouble for not only being here when I was raped but, they say he participated. Both of my dad's brothers did. I heard them this way long before I was raped. My one uncle brought his daughter with him! I drew her face even though I haven't seen her in person, ever and, haven't seen a picture of her since she was a small child. I drew her, with the make up she had on! How can people say that I wasn't raped?
How can so many people hate me when I didn't do anything. I can't handle this anymore. The life I had has been demolished. Things that I think are real, I get made fun of six badly I am afraid to believe. They don't want me to be able to trust my instincts. They tell me to but, then they do everything they can to make me think I am wrong about everything. I can't take anymori
I like quiet and,cjigaaw puzzles and, spending my time with my kids. Normal is gone for sure but, I still could have lived. These are bad peopl. Some id them have done things sick as, I can't stand it listen to them. I can't handle any of this. I don't know if someone whispered time and, tells me things about others or, how exactly I know. Someone, forna while, kept saying they couldn't go through this again but I don't know who that was. I know now it was more than likely Tracy who said she was trying to create me and, that she had almost done it before. I think she was successful before, just in a different way. I just can't handle this anymore.
I'm sorry. I know they keep saying that they didn't torture me that badly but, they did.
Please help my kids. They have been trying to get the same thing from them now! She says they will be rich.