As Long As They Can Beat Me Down and Put Me In My Place
I can't do anything even remotely right. I don't get it. I simply have given up in life. They are never going to stop beating me down and, I am sick of being insulted.
I can't take this anymore. Good thing it's ALWAYS my fault. I will always say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, believe the wrong thing. Nothing about me is going to ever be good enough. I don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying about people abandoning me because I make a mistake.
I am tired of being hurt. Tired of never knowing the right thing to do. Tired of always doing the wrong thing. Tired of not being a person. I guess I should have expected this, being such a worthless thing.
I do what one person tells me to and, another one comes along and, beats me down for it. I am tired of feeling like this. Since I am a "drug addict that molests children" I am worthless. I don't molest children but, it's ok for people to say and, do whatever they want to me, it doesn't matter.
I am not going to try anymore. It doesn't matter anyways. I clean and, they get mad because, I am doing what I should be doing. God forbid, then more people might actually believe in me and, if too many people believe in me then, they don't get the attention they want and, they might even have to stop abusing me! What on Earth would they do with their lives if they couldn't abuse me to death?!
They have used my kids too much. I am so sick of all of this. They keep saying how these guys mean more to me than my kids. Who gives a shit how badly they abused me right from the start with my kids? Who cares that they have hurt me so badly I am starting to shut down. They want me to think about anything other than the fact they are killing me. Maybe if they stopped telling me, every fucking day, that I was or, wasn't raped or, how they used to care about me or, all the ways that I am not good enough or, how ugly I am or, pretty much every negative thing they can think of.
I love it when they turn this down, like now, where I can sort of hear someone talking but, b fewI have no idea what they are saying. Itet makes everything better. I am done trying. Why bother? So they can beat me down more? So they can tell me how lazy I am then, bitch about me cleaning or, doing things.
They constantly thank each other for saving them from me. As if I am the worst piece of shit in the world. When I was a person, I was a good person. I tried to do my best at things and, I was happy. That was a long time ago and, I doubt it will ever happen again.
I am so afraid of doing the wrong thing and, losing the few people left in my life or, making my life even worse that I am almost paralyzed with fear.
What was wrong with the happy, kind, confident person I was? What happened to being happy with the person you are and, simply trying to do better than you did the day before? They have so many people convinced that I am the worst, most disgusting thing in the world that I can't get them to stop and, remember that I was a person, not just this thing they watch but, an actual person.
I am tired of being blamed for what is being done to me. They have already said they aren't sure what to do, I wasn't supposed to live this long! They didn't plan on being forced to deal with me after all of the things they have done to me? I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO STILL BE ALIVE!
How are you supposed to react when people tell you something like that,? When they openly admit how much they hate you and, that they have been trying for years to kill you? What do you do when they have left you with nobody to turn to and, nobody you can fully trust? How do you find the will to live when every single day you are not only told to kill yourself but, told in every way possible why you should kill yourself? When the best parts of your life have been used to hurt you so badly you brace for impact when someone talks about them? Almost everything that used to bring happiness to my life now, only brings sadness and, pain.
To hear people say they didn't torture me that badly or, that I did this to myself, it's sick. I did nothing, they simply decided that I was a problem for them. They decided something about me made their lives too difficult or, unhappy. How abstrangers life can make someone feel like their life isn't everything it should be because I was alive, what the fuck is that? Angela Tracjveski actually told me that my life made her question her place in the world. I DO NOT KNOW HER! HIW COULD MY KIFE CAUSE HER ISSUES. UIW COULD MY KIFE CAUSE ANY IF THESE PEOPLE ISSUES?
I minded my own business. I was a good mom. I made mistakes like every other mom but, nothing like they say. Why wouldn't they show me what they say they are showing everyone else if that was real? Instead, they just force me to listen to people's reactions.
They beat me down like it is a sport then, tell me how they regret caring about me! Why the fuck would you beat down someone you care about? Why would you participate in the murder of someone you care about? Why wouldn't you try to build them up and, help them reach higher goals? Why destroy what they had built up in their life. No matter how much or how little it was, if you cared why wouldn't you do something to make that life you say you care about better? I guess maybe I don't know what caring is. Maybe it is beating someone down and, then demanding that not only be happy all the time but, that they do everything they can for everyone and, do everything they can to prove you wrong. Wouldn't want someone we care about to feel good about themselves. Nope. It's better to make someone fight like hell to prove they deserve to not be beaten down. It's better to tell them to "stay down with the garbage where they belong!" It's better to shame them in front of their children, never give them a second of privacy. It's better to turn this down, LIKE IT IS NOW, so someone can't hear what is being said and, can't defend themselves. IT IS MUCH, MUCH BETTER TO HURT THEIR CHILDREN AND, POINT OUT EVERY SINGLE WAY THEY ARE A FAILURE AND, NOT KET THEM EVEN HAVE A CHANCE TO DEFEND THEMSELVES TO THEIR IWN CHILDREN. THAT IS WHAT PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT EACH ITHER DO. THEY MAKE SURE THAT EVEN YOUR CHILDREN SEE YOU AS A FAILURE AND, IF THEY REALLY, REALLY LIVE YIU, THEY WILL ALSO BEAT YOUR CHILDREN DOEN AJD, MAKE SURE THAT YOUR KIDS KNOW YOU COULDNT DO ANYTHING GOOD ENOUGH TO HELP OROTECT THEM. I AM SUPER LOVED SO I GET ALL OF THAT AND, THEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BEG FOR HELP AND, TO BEKUEVE SOMEONE MIGHT HAVE YOUR KIDS BEST INTEESTS AT HEART, EVEN IF THEY DONT HAVE YOURS, ONLY TO KEARN HOW BIG OF A FUCKING VAGINA SOME DUDES HAVE AND, THE KNOWLEDGE THAT THEY DIDNT HAVE YOUR KID IR, ANY KIDS BEST INTRESTS AT HEART. THAT YOU WERE VERY WRING ABOUT PEOPLE. THATS MUCH BETTER THAN HELPING SOMEONE. They try to tell me that my instincts suck but, when you leave someone little choice, you leave someone to be hurt so badly and, most of the people she hears especially now that she is afraid of people and, can't make new friends, it's better they know how stupid they are for trusting some people.
Each person I trust or, care about that tell me raped me and, did this to me and my children anyways. Since I can't remember being raped and, I have heard added together it is around three months of time that is gone, I would imagine this is the best I can hope for. At least they didn't torture me all that badly!