There Is Nobody Except My Children And, I Don't Think They Believe Me Either

Now, I am told that people have been lying to me and, keeping me in the dark so they could "flush" out others, like my mom.

Everyone spends so much time blaming me, hating me and, lying to me that I am not certain anything is ever going to be ok.

It has killed something in me to sit here and, listen to people say they don't blame my brother for the things he is doing against me! I can completely understand why someone would take his side. I really don't care anymore. 

I am not ever going to get my life back. My family has been destroyed. I have no faith in almost anyone and, I definitely do not have faith in myself. I can't remember what feeling happy, confident or, loved feels like anymore. I sort of just go through the motions but, I know that I don't have it in me to try to sort through lies anymore. I don't have the energy to figure out if who I hear is who I am told or, led to believe it is or, if it is just another person who wants me to die. I simply take them at their word and, try to let it go. Since I am not allowed to think very much, it is getting easier and, easier to not care.

What would be the point in continuing to give a shit? I am only going to get hurt more. Made fun of more. Told how unwanted and, crazy I am. I am so sick of hearing "trust your husband" that I want to vomit. I hate the word trust and, husband is even worse. It is too much and, I am told all the damn time how I am on my own now. It has felt like I have been in my own for most of the time. I am told, by my uncle's voice, that the people I thought might have been there for me have only been there to get out of trouble or, to get something from me. I guess people chanting they wanted to be with me so they can get out of trouble like John Butterfield did, was accurate. Makes sense. They told me that someone was in a relationship but, because of me they had to end it. People don't actually want me in their lives, they have no choice since I wasn't supposed to survive and, now nobody knows what to do. Uplifting to be told shit like that. Makes it super easy to believe that people care. 

I am sick of being told who I am. I have tried like hell to show people who I am but, I was an idiot and, I hear all the time that people believe John and, how we interacted and, not me. They keep asking why I let him come back over and, over despite how often I am told shitty things about him. I still live here with my brother who I am told raped me, let others in to rape me and, gave me Chlamydia! I am having a very difficult time believing that all of the fucked up things I am told are real. Sometimes, they spend a lot of time trying to convince me that this is all fake. I am not sure how to believe all these things have been done to me and, nobody could talk to me or, be around me. When I ask in a way that is real to me, I get lied to and, I am afraid to ask now. 

John has beaten me down so badly for hearing voices that are "all in my head!" and, has told me I will never get my kids back if I keep telling people I am hearing voices. He calls me "Looney Bin Jen" and, swears he can't hear anyone and, that he doesn't know anything. He has always swore that. I asked him even before I started hearing them non stop. When someone started saying that Tracy was going to kidnap and, kill Sophia which, was the first time she spent the night with her, I think it was August 2019. He has always denied everything. 

I don't think that anyone will be able to understand just how badly my head has been fucked with. I still go through is this real or, is this fake and, are people who they say they are or, just pretending so I will be hurt more. I have already realized if people are who they say they are then, they definitely can't feel the way they say they do. I could be wrong and, I usually am but, how can you leave someone you love begging for reality. In fact, in all this time today was the second time that I actually fully believed that someone cared. Several summers ago, there was someone who I believe cared. They told me several different names for this person and, I think I might know who it was but, I am too afraid now to believe. I am too afraid to tell people I care about them. Too afraid to admit to loving them. I will only get hurt more. 

I am sorry that I let John come back and, fuck with my head so many times. I am sorry people do not believe that I am who I say I am, I am simply being hurt so badly that I can't handle being me anymore. They spend so much time trying to prove that I am not who I say I am and, these are people who are one time, I thought cared. I get told a lot how "maybe this time I will listen to my old uncle! It is weird though because, at the same time I get told how I have accused my uncle's. I can only tell people what I have been told. I have no log to read, I can't see anyone, I have no idea what is going on so, it was all I could do.

Tracy swore she was going to torture me back to the beginning and, I am told the biggest reasons people do not want to be around me is because I am a drug addict and, I smoke. They just keep demanding I get off drugs yet, they sabotage my efforts. 

I get told how this isn't really a big deal. How it isn't torture. How everyone has gone through this and, I am just a cry baby. I hear people telling my mom to help me because, they are torturing me and, they are going to kill me. I hear someone say they have proved it to her. Things keep getting worse though.

They have made such a huge issue out of men that, I am afraid if I have a man in my life my kids will hate me. It certainly sounds like people, my children included, make fun of me all the time for believing that anyone could love me. They tell me all I worry about are these guys and, partying. I am told I just do whatever I want withcno regard to my responsibilities. I am sure it looks that way. I still try but, not nearly as hard as I used to. I gave up. Nothing I did made anything better, things just keep getting worse. The more I cared or, the harder I tried, the worse the pain became. John used to tell me I had to maintain for him to want to be around me and, I get told this way how nobody wants me around which, has made it very difficult to believe that the people I still considered family actually want me around. In person they are kind and, it seems like they don't mind my company. I feel so awkward and, uncomfortable around people because I am never sure if I am where I should be that I stay away most of the time. I just feel so uncomfortable and, being told that each person I meet for the rest of my life, I will wonder if they did this to me!

In the end I am so hurt that I no longer believe in myself. I feel like I am the fat, ugly, hairy, worthless person that they tell me I am. I hate myself and, I am so filled with dislike for myself that, being with someone will only cause me more pain and, issues. I would hurt the man that I would be with. He doesn't deserve for me to question every nice thing he says about me just because, I don't believe I am any of those nice things. If he actually believes the nice things then, it isn't right for me to hurt him by doubting him. I don't want to worry about what he's doing if I am not right next to him. I don't want to hurt him with my own self doubt and, fears. He doesn't deserve that. Nobody deserves that.  

I have been made fun of for the way I look for sicking that, I am uncomfortable with my body. I have been for a while. John making fun of me in person only cemented the things I have heard. I feel shame when I look at myself. I try to build myself up but, that usually gets me picked on more. I couldn't get naked in front of John and, I haven't been able to for a long time. I told him this and, it really didn't do any good. Even if we weren't fighting, there would b comments and, the comments when we would have sex were way to much. I kept trying. I tried to believe. Tried to fake it until I believed again but, it isn't working. I have wanted to believe the good things. I truly wanted to be with someone that came back into my life but, I feel so much doubt and, uncertainty in myself that I am having a hard time believing that he could want to be with me. I don't look the right way. Nothing about me is what it should be for people to find me attractive. I have heard this for so long and, it sucks that this is even an issue.

I loved who I was. I had no issues meeting people. No problems believing that I was loved. I never once thought I wasn't good enough. I never fat shamed myself or, anyone else. I didn't know that being fat was such a terrible thing. I was big but, I had self esteem, I took care of myself, I didn't believe that John was cheating on me. I didn't believe that a lot of things I was told were true. Why would people see me that way? I didn't see myself that way. 

I am tired of hearing the negativity and, it is so draining that I am not sure what to do. I can't handle the stress. I can't take the non stop judgement. I am sorry that I considered John my partner. I have been so severely punished for asking him for help or, letting him do things for me that I am not sure how to accept help now. I am sorry that he didn't take Angela's dogs for a walk but, he took mine. Everything like that has been used to hurt me. I didn't keep score, I didn't know I was supposed to. If John told me to relax and, let him take care of something, I took him at his word. Then, I would be punished for it. It got to the point where he would do nothing but, sit and, pick fights with me. 

I am tired. I never know where it, who the next attack will come from and, I am so defensive now. I do not like the way I feel. I am sick of hearing how this is what Angela did to John ir or, this is how she made him feel it, that her and, I are so similar. They have abused me to the point where I am insecure and, I don't believe unfit in anywhere anymore. I have never felt so insecure in my life. I already know that Angela had been planning on eating that this had been done to her and, that is why she is the way she is. I do not believe that is true, she is nuts. She had planned on blaming all of this on John's family so that there wouldn't be anyone that would come between her and, him since everyone was in prison for doing this. Now, I don't know who they plan on blaming. Earlier it seemed like they were blaming people I care about and, trust but, I am so clueless about most things that I don't know.

I feel like I don't know what is going on around me. All I know is I keep being threatened and, I can no longer think of reasons that anyone would want to be around me that are good things about me. It usually sounds like they can get something from me so they will put up with me. I am sick of being told it isn't just my face at least they stopped saying it isn't just my face that tortures people. I am sick of being blamed for hurting people because I do not know who they are all the time. I have finally understood that I am not allowed to know who people are so that when I get people confused they will hate me. I kept trying and, I believe that the man I love is who I believe he is. I know people think it is weird because of the past but, it felt right to me. It hurts to hear how he thinks so many negative things about me. Even if he doesn't, I know I will think of the negative when I should be cherishing the positive. I got over insecurities and,bathe petty drama it brought a long time ago. I shouldn't have fallen in love when I feel like this. It wasn't right and, I should have realized sooner that I would only bring the drama of my insecurities into his world. I can't do that to him. I refuse to, he deserves so much more than that.

I don't think I want anyone in my life except my kids. This has done so much damage I don't believe that my own family loves me. I am starting to believe that it is better for everyone if I die. I don't want to leave my kids like that. Even if they hate me right now, I can't let the love and, closeness we had go. I don't want to give up the last little bit of hope that we can get that back. That somehow I can explain that I am sorry for being an embarrassment. Maybe somehow I can get them to understand that I am not the person who put myself out there for the world to see and, that I needed people to tell me the truth and, help me in a way that made it clear who I was talking to and, where I could ask questions. I needed the simplest of things, like a hug, without being made fun of and, now I am kind of afraid of asking for affection. That the games I should have put a stop to immediately I couldn't because I was made to believe it was my fault this was happening. 

The memory loss is something I am not sure how to combat. They are the people that told me I was raped and, now thetckeep telling me I wasn't. I only remember a few things and, a few people from the August 2021 event and, I know there were other times as well. Times that I know something isn't right but, it's like a shadow from a bird, here and, gone with nothing tangible. I am afraid of things that I don't know were real! I know I was roofied, I remember that part. I know I was kidnapped, I remember being in a different city. I KNOW THAT WAS REAL. Other people know too. Why won't anyone help me? When I think there is someone who will, I am told shitty things about them. Even though I do not believe these things and, I have been very vocal about that, I get told that I do blame people I don't and, even my mom makes fun of me for trusting "people who raped me!" 

My head can't take anymore. There is nothing but confusion and, chaos and, not only do u believe I have lost everyone like they tell me, I lost myself. I couldn't hold on anymore. There wasn't anything real enough to hold onto. I can tell by the smug, satisfied chuckle from my brother that this is what they have been waiting for. I can't take anymore