The Blame Game

This sucks so much that I am no longer sure exactly what to think, say or, do. This has hurt me so badly I am not ever going to be ok, especially without help.

I can only know what I have been told. I am consistently bitched at for blaming Angela. Even my mom says something about that. 

They set out to prove that, at least this is what they tell me, "Angela didn't do this ALONE!" 

When this started, Angela said that she wanted people to see me the way they saw her and, see her the way they saw me. She was clear that she wanted me to die, for everyonento see me the way they saw her. I had to be a pathetic, insecure, waste of life. Something people only were around out of pity. Something that had no friends, no family. Something nobody wanted.

"ANGELA DIDN'T DO THIS ALONE!" Over and, over!

I thought people would be able to understand, baased on what they hear everyone say and, I thought people would tell the truth. I thought something like this would have been impossible.

After hearing someone I love and, thought loved me. Someone I thought I chose to love and, who I thought loved me even though I am not perfect say that they had to keep their family safe from "someone like me!" I am so sad that I am not ever going to understand.

Instead of being honest, people simply attacked me and, let her do whatever the fuck she wanted. At least now, they aren't burdened with the person who can not be stopped. 

I am so sick of being called a fucking liar. So sick of being told that I am not good enough. Told that people only like me out of pity. I am sorry that Angela spied on John and, I. Sorry that she heard people say things about her. She has admitted it a million times but, somehow it's always my fault. I don't really care that everyone hates and, blames me anymore. 

I am not even remotely sorry that some bitch hijacked my head and, was thrilled to have the opportunity to torture someone she hates just fall into her lap, wasn't treated like the princess she demanded to be. I was as nice to her as I could be under the circumstances. These people, since they get angry if I single Angela out, demanded I pay attention to them. 

I didn't understand what was being done to me. I didn't know how to fight back. I would do tons of shit they demandedm I wasn't allowed to eat with my family. They would demand I pay attention to John then, punished me for not putting the kids first. I can't tell you how many times it was think about your kids first, think about John first, think about your kids first, think about John first.

I didn't need to be told to think about my family first. We had a close family. For whatever reason I wasn't allowed to have a husband and, have my children. They made that clear. I wasn't allowed to have my life together. That was also made clear.

All the things that I thought were so stupid that Angela told me.  All the things that made her seem so insecure and, someone that I didn't want in my life, I have now learned that I was wrong about everything I believed about life. Everything I tried to teach my children was wrong. I am now going to have to learn that everything about the person I was, was wrong. 

I am so beaten down now that I barely take care of myself. After everything they have said to me and, about me, even I know that I am not worth putting any effort into. To learn that NOTHING about how I thought about life was even remotely the way life is, that's a tough one.

I have no reason to live anymore. I am sorry if people think I am selfish or, that my kids don't mean anything to me. Since I don't get to talk to my kids anymore because, I didn't act the right way while being tortured. 

These people have told me enough about the times I don't remember anything that it is very, very obvious there isn't anyone I can get help from. They have proven to me, thank you for this since I asked so many fucking times why they were trying so hard to keep us apart, that I am not going to survive what has been done. The people I trusted now blam me too. Everyone blames me.

I asked a million times why they were trying so hard to keep me away from Brandon. Now I know. Angela used to tell me, they still do, that I am not good enough. She used to tell me I shouldn't dress like I do. That men won't want someone who dresses like me. As if that was a reason to hate me! I was confident with who I was, now I know better. EVERY SINGLE THING HAS BEEN PROVEN TO ME.

I get told all the time, by everyone, that I have no respect! I am tired of trying to prove who I am to people who do not believe that this is also being done to them. I am done trying to explain that I do have respect or, anything else. Believe whatever you want.

It has done severe damage to my life to know the truth and, be forced to listen to people that I care about say these things about me.

To hear my own brother say something about being horny when they have already told me that I said that during the time frame that I have k memory of oy proves that my own family doesn't give a fuck! I don't say that word. Horny. I don't know why. It's like moist to some people I guess. It just irritates me and, I don't say it. They have told me though that I said it a lot during that time period. 

I hate myself so much anymore. I hate myself for not being able to remember what happened during that time period. I hate myself for not realizing, until they started telling me what was done to me, that John was part of all of this. That all the things he said and, did to me were to test my memory. To find out if I knew what they had done to me. I have been so stupid.

I am never going to be able to like myself. How could I have cared about myself before. I did though. I loved my life. I took care of myself. I never talked myself down. I had grown up and, I didn't think about being popular or, how many people gave a shit about me. I cared about my family and, myself. 

After all this time and, being told to put everyone else first. Being told how I am not worth anything. Being punished for saying or, thinking about myself. Being punished for my thoughts then, being punished for having so few thoughts. Hearing how people only are my friend out of pity, so I don't kill nyself. How I can't get people to want to be around me. I have learned to hate myself. 

I learned that trusting John, who has severely abused me and, is a horrible ge reason why I am really to give up, was a huge mistake. All the things he said to me were lies and, he still lies to me and, about me. I have tried so hard to overcome the lies, to prove who I am but, like I said, one day I get some things done and, the next it's backwards and, then things are worse than they were.

I get accused of saying things, even when I am asleep and, it doesn't sound like anyone believes me. I feel so bad about myself that it has become easy to believe the things I hear. Not just about me but, about others. 

I can't even try to express how I feel because it really is just someone else that I hear saying how I feel. I am starting to believe that I don't have an original thought in my head, like they told me. What if I truly am unable to live once they stop doing this? What does that mean for my children who Angela already says can't live without her?! 

I used to know myself. I believed that I had learned who I am and, that I could raise children to be happy, confident people because of who I am. Now, it is clear I am nothing, a puppet for people to control. I am not a person so there is nothing for me to know about myself. They tell me who I am. They tell me what to think, what to say, how to feel.

I am sorry that I didn't matter to my own family. That it was ok to hurt me this badly. They tell me I am a liar and, that I do remember what happened to me but, I don't. They said they had some kind of deadline to make me say that I knew something. They already got me to say so much that people believe I am a child molester, why the fuck would I keep saying what they want? It didn't make them stop like they said they would. 

PEOPLE ASSUME IF THEY HEAR MY VOICE, IT IS ME. I HAVE TRIED TO TAKE WHAT I HEAR WITH A GRAIN IF SALT BECAUSE YHEY ISE MY VOICE SO MUCH AND, IF SOMEONE TELLS ME SOMETHING I HEARD WASNT THEM, I USUALLY TRY TO BELIEVE THEM.  Plus, they change people's voices so much it isn't usually the first thing I count on when I hear someone. I try to listen to their words. Try to listen to the emotion in their voice. Which is how and, why I fell in love with the person I did. I never heard anyone be so open in my life. People usually talked to me, about all kinds of things. I didn't feel like I was lied to very often. I liked listening to people, liked that they would share their memories and, life with me. Nobody ever made me feel so special though, only him. He talked like it wasn't a big deal. There was emotion in his voice but, the way he was so open it was like he was comfortable talking about some things. It was only when I heard other people that I really, fully understood just how special I must be. I was honored that he would share anything, especially because, even I could tell this was incredibly person but, to know how personal and, how living he was telling me. Maybe to him it was something else but, to me, it was love. I am not sure I know how to be open like that. I tried to be when I was trying to find some way to connect with "Angela" so she would see me as a person and, stop. But, even then I wasn't as open as him. 

I tend to stay closed off anyway. I distance myself when I should be moving closer. John was the first person I actively took all the advice I had been given, all the reasons my other relationships failed and, used it. I would think about it before I did things or, said things. That is why I kept telling him something is wrong. He said he believed me but, I am not sure he did. I am not sure he understood just how bad this is.

These people watched me, did this to me for years. But, I had changed. Maybe that's why people in my life didn't take this so seriously. I had made huge changes within myself. Treating me like I hadn't has made me feel worse about myself. I get treated like a child. Like a selfish, spoiled, mean, brat. 

They have manipulated my life so badly that it is difficult to prove I am not.

They show whatever it is they show, I have not been allowed the see any of it and, I can't find it anywhere on the Internet, I am only allowed to hear peoples reactions! I was supposed to feel paranoid. They tell me I will never find a job and, I know l some of the three NHS they show are true and, I probably won't be able to get a job. I have tried to sell things and, start to try to be able to open up a store front. Like today however, they have done things to make that almost impossible as well. I get inquiries but, a lot are from newly created accounts. Then, they do this to anyone that looks at anything I have for sale. I have heard them so, I know that is true. They said they "red flagged" me when I tried to get social security. This has forced me to ask my mom and, the brother I live with for help. When I do that, I hear for hours how it must be nice to be able to sit on my ass. Then, they will be extra horrible and, it's because I had to ask for help. The only thing I can do is surveys and, games online. This has given them the opportunity to tell people that I am doing this. That I am ignoring the people around me for games and, my phone. 

It was only the last two or, three times that John was able to help. Before that, he helped but, it was rare. They would tell me how he had money but, he spent it on the women he was actually attracted to. 

There is something wrong with all of this. I believed because, they told me they had control of John, that he couldn't take a shit unless she (Angela) told him to, that he wasn't himself. Thinking back to all the things he said to me and, how even jokes were things I was punished for, I don't know if that is true anymore. 

I didn't keep score in our relationship. I didn't know that I was supposed to. Angela swore she would "steal" every man I loved and, I believed she was doing this to John. Now after hearing all of this, that has turned out to be sort of true. Except the last few men were men that I wasn't with. They are men who I have been told love me. 

I am done trying to get people to believe me. I am done trying to understand what the fuck is going on. I have told the truth and, I have been told that I lost everyone.  It definitely sounds like there is nobody that really believes me. 

No matter what I do, they manipulate it and, then demand I focus on my kids. I can barely think anymore. I can't get my kids to talk to me. They have used my kids to hurt me so badly that there is a lot of pain there. I am not allowed to be a normal person. They have gone s far as to tell me they will punish me if I think about anyone other than my daughter! People I love end up hating me. People who say they live me don't think I will be faithful and don't want to be around me. They all listen to my voice and, things they say that I have said are usually not things that are me. It no longer matters though. Without people who truly believe me and, want to help me, I am dead.

I get told things John said are things I said and things I said apparently he said. This has happened the entire time. Everything about me is credited to someone else. 

I am sorry for defending people. Each time I do, everything gets worse. People I defend hate me fir defending them.

Everything about me has slowly been removed. Ways I show I care, Inam not allowed to do. Things I believed, they have proven I am wrong. Things that made me happy were used to hurt me. There isn't anything or, anyone left in my life that knows who I am. They say I show them by my interactions with  man that never loved me. John picks fights with me and, fucked with my head so badly that I can't overcome the way people see me. For someone I lived and, trusted and, believed lived me, for that person to prove that they chose not to help me, they chose to pretend to not know or, hear any of this then, when they needed to pick a fight he would just repeat things he would only know if he could hear this. But, he swore he was the only person that would put up with my "bullshit" the only person willing to be around me, the only person who would protect me from my brother who wants to kill me he hates me so much. 

It is clear people don't want to be around me. I am a drug addict and, that is what they tell me. That apparently is the only reason. That's the only reason they give me. Once in a while I hear it's how I interact with John but, since that all manipulated I give up. I can only say when someone tells you, while they are having sex with you, "this is how I would fuck you if I ever loved you!" There really isn't a way to keep trying. I can't know more than I hear and, I don't know if what I hear is always true. I can't see anyone so, I am stuck listening. 

I am told people loved me. They just didn't want to be around me. Makes sense. I am sick of hearing "he did!" Oh, ok well if you don't want to be around me, then why tell me after the fact? So I know I missed a chance not only to be happy but, to get people to believe me? They love to rub things in like that. 

It's time for me to put an end to this. Most people tell me I hurt myself anyways. I didn't do this to myself or, anyone else. They have kept me away from people who may have believed me and, loved me for a long time. It is clear that the people that said and, did everything they could to keep me away from Brandon and, his family didn't want me to be able to get help. Like they said, they don't want to go to prison for doing this. I guess this is what it is. 

To this date, despite being told there is an investigating,  I have never had anyone talk to me about this. People have talked at me but, since I can't see them, I don't know what is going on. Usually they try to distract me and, other people answer for me. I am left in a black hole where I have no way to know what is happening in my own life. 

They have hurt me so badly that there is no longer a way to survive. John has demolished me with his pretending to know nothing then use it to fight with me. Now, he wants me to put money on his books and, that is something they have used recently to torture me with. 

They hurt me so badly that I DO NOT REMEMBER what happened during those times l. TIMES, MORE THAN ONCE. They have been telling me for the last year and a half or longer for some of them but, I still do not remember. When I draw, I let the pencil just go. I don't think about anything or, anyone when I draw but, I hear people and, they certainly recognize who I am drawing! How can I draw people I don't know? They say it's because I have seen them on TV or, around me since the attack in August 2021 but, I don't know..

I loved myself. I thought I could trust myself and, now that also has been destroyed. I trusted someone so fucking much and, I am finding it almost impossible to not trust them. Maybe I am just not able to accept that twice now I have been so stupid  about who I care about. I get told that things I hear he has said or, done. Then I get told it wasn't him. Told that he loved me, told he hates me. I hear people swear they told me someone's name and, I trust that person. I believe he did what he said but, I did not hear the name. Not that I didn't hear it like, I missed it. It wasn't said to me. Period.

I am not going to be able to handle this anymore. I am sorry. I have begged for this to stop. Begged for people to please talk to me, not atme but, to me. Talk to me in person. Instead, I am no longer a person. I can't approach people anymore. I kept trying but, there are too many things wrong with me. My life and, my continuing to survive is causing so many problems in other lives.

I have nowhere I can go. There are so many people, especially in this area, that believe Inam either a child molester or, that I did this to them that I am afraid for my life. Nobody is going to be able to understand that I told the truth. About everything and, I even hear some of these people admitting that! I guess they don't admit it to everyone. 

I am sorry for not being able to get enough people to believe me. I can't take anymore. To listen to my step-brother say I am crazy knowing that people believe that, I can't keep going. I have reached the end. 

I can no longer handle this. I can't deal with the stress, lies, drama, lack of all privacy, being so hated by everyone. I am a constant problem. If I am gone, they will stop. I have lost the will power to keep trying. I didn't do anything and, I give up. 

Thank you to the people that tried. I just can't fight for my life anymore. Nobody should ever have to fight to prove that they are who they say they are. Nobody should be so manipulated that people truly believe they should die. 

They have done everything they can to keep me away from people. I am done trying. I am not worth talking to in person. I am not worth being around unless I am pitied. I do not want to try anymore. I hate myself. I hate my life. All they keep doing is trying to prove that I am crazy. I chose to believe people when they said they cared. I chose to believe that good things were still good. I shouldn't have.

People don't even want me to know who they are. I can't see anyone so they lie to me and, I end up getting so fucking confused as to what is real that I give up. One minute things are one way, the next the other. They punish me for even thinking about any of this and, I have tried to tell people I trusted but, they didn't believe me. I don't know why I kept trying. I regret it, for sure. Each day I am here, my kids get hurt worse. They have shown pornography at my kids schools and, they publish my kids  just because they are my kids. I have been told if I kill myself, people will help protect my children. That is the only hope I have left. 

Everything that is good in life, it isn't good anymore. It has been used to cause me pain and, humiliation. I kept putting my heart out there and, trying to believe that people cared when they said they did. I keep getting hurt and, it isn't just because of my heart. THE PURPOSLEY KEEP ME CONFUSED AS TO WHO I AM TALKING TO. THEY HAVE TOOD ME ALMOST EVERY DAY TO KILL NYSELF. THEY HAVE BEAT ME DIWN SO BADLY AND, TO HEAR PEOPLE SAY I AM CRAZY HAD BECOME TOO MUCH.

I am their victim. My own brother, that I live with, gave me a drink that was roofied and, I am told he has raped me multiple times. I only know he roofied me and, let people I to the apartment. I was recently told he called the police because, these people kept me. I am told they kept me drugged and, captive for almost a month. I know they kidnapped me, assaulted me and, broke my nose, I do not remember being raped but, I have no doubt it happened. They said they had people with AIDS raped me and,  when I went to donate plasma and, to the doctor they did extra blood tests. They obviously did something. Despite looking, I have never been able to find myself online. They said they blocked me from the providers side. They tell me that John and, my brother have drugged me and, let people in to have sex with me. RECENTLY. I have no memory of this though. I have not had sex with anyone other than John Butterfield, my soon to be ex husband, since he has been back. Almost four years now. People keep telling me that I am a liar. 

I am told people only tell me they love me to get out of trouble. To make it seem like they didn't rape me. I have not had sex with these men. John kept telling me I was a whore. Kept accusing me of cheating but, I have not. They say they have evidence of me having a threesome but, I have never done that. I have asked to see the evidence but, they always say no.

I am sick of listening to Angela laughing when I am hurting the worse. I am sorry people hate me. Sorry everyone thinks I am a whore. Sorry that even my mom won't help me. She just tells me she doesn't know anything. She tells me if I actually think people are hurting me I need to check myself in. I can't get help. They tell me nobody will believe me and, I will be locked away for hearing voices. I don't know many people in person and, I don't recognize people if I see them. They lie to me and, tell me things like when I am outside almost every Hispanic person I see is Brandon. The person I thought was him they just said wasn't.  They said his name was Cole.

I am so sick of hearing "why would I want that?" Every fucking voice. Every God damn day. I hate being alive. I am done living. Fuck this.