Now That We Know Who Is More Important

How stupid of me to have wanted to meet people I hear this way. It might have made it easier to understand when oneinute someone tells me how much they care and, the next they tell me how they never cared and, they only wanted to save their family! I guess that the constant pain and, turmoil is what I am causing everyone else. 

I am sorry that I don't know where to turn. As far as I can tell, since I can only hear what I hear and, anytime I try to meet people, which anymore is rare because I expect that not only will I be hurt for meeting people but, they will be hurt as well. It has made things miserable. Plus, they use every voice they can and, I sometimes am not quite sure what to believe. They call people that care about me every name under the sun and, if they are someone I don't recognize I will never know who they are. They talk over or, turn down things I need to hear and, then people seem upset with me and, then everyone is always walking away or, I have to hear "oh no, he did!" I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I am becoming afraid to hear that I am losing people. They tell me all the time I have nobody and, without people who actually care or, believe me, I am not going to survive.

Then, to hear that I don't focus on my kids enough, knowing the things they do to my children when I do focus on them, I feel stuck. I am sorry that I needed people in my life that cares about me and,, my kids. I am sorry that I needed to know that some of the people I hear felt the way they said. Friends, family, love. I was a person once too. 

I am not allowed to believe in myself. I am not allowed to love the person I say I love and, I am sick of hearing how much they can't stand me. I am afraid to just show up to places where they say I should. Especially, when I have tried and, it never is what they say it is. 

I live in a world where I am kept from actually knowing people. I get hurt if I don't spend all my time with the two friends I have and, I get punished if I do spend time with them. I don't understand why they wanted to hurt me so badly. I can't help that they caused so many problems between John and, I. I loved him the same way I love. I respected him. I tried to be understanding and, encouraging and, get people to see him how I saw him. They didn't want us to get along. Now, they ride my ass and, hurt me so badly and, if I so much as raise my voice, then I am the problem. I am sorry I am such a problem. I am sorry for everything 

I can't handle this anymore. Apparently if I stop using drugs, then the. World becomes a rosey place and, I will magically just get over all the things that have been done to me! When I stopped before things got worse l. When I try now, they sabotage me. 

I am so fucking sick of living like this. I keep being blamed and, nobody wants me around. I am not good enough. I can't do enough to prove that I am a person. I am so hurt and<, beaten down that I can barely lift my head. It's ok to hear me down though. I'm a drug addict. It's ok to do all the things they do to me because, I am a drug addict. 

FOCUS IN YOUR KIDS. I am told that so many God damn times, while they treat me like shit. My kids are better off without me. EVERYONE IS.  I AM THE PROBLEM. I DESERVED TI BE TRWATED LIKE THIS. I CANT CATCH A FUCKING BREAK. It's ok to lie to me so much that I don't know who some people are. I can't take anymore. I needed help not to be abused more. That's all I am worth though, just keep abusing me.. 

My own fucking parents hate me. I DIDNT FUCKING DO ANYTHING BUT, ITS ALWAYS MY FAULT. I AM SORRY THAT I CANT UNDERSTAND SOME THINGS AND, YHEY DON'T WANT ME TO KNOW WHO PEOPLE ARE. I give up.

My parents would rather help the son that drugged me and, raped me, multiple times from what I hear than help their daughter that looks like a son! I didn't do anything and, I don't know why everyone keeps writing me off. I am so hurt and, I am sorry that I can't handle the constant verbal and, mental abuse anymore. 

It comes from everyone. Constant judgement and, over half the fucking time, it is something that isn't what they say it is or, it wasn't even me. Instead of asking me what I said, what I meant, what led up to whatever I said or, anything else, they just take things out on me. Life isn't worth this. I am so tired of being blamed for things that I didn't do. Tired of being told that I am just copying someone else. 

John abused the ever living shit out of me and, apparently I am supposed to be grateful to him. He hates me and, has hurt me so badly but, nobody sees things that way. He would rather I think I am crazy and, all of this was my fault than tell me the truth. I don't understand how people can say he was so great. I asked him if he knew someone, someone they say I let abuse my daughter. Someone they say I asked to hurt her. I don't know why the fuck I would do that and, I don't believe that at all but, he said he didn't. Then, I get told that he was helping us be together. If I hadn't fallen in love with someone else that would have been ok with me. I thought highly of this person and, I felt bad for living someone else, it just happened. I am sorry that it didn't make some people happy but, it made me happy and, I hope that he was as well. The thing is, why would John who clearly believed that lie push us together? Like I said, I do not believe that happened at all and, I never will. Not just because I would never do something like that but, I don't know why this other person would either. It makes no sense. I am not going to be able to understand anything since I can't get anyone to talk to me about any of this. I live in this place where I am never quite sure about some things and, uncertain why people could get away with hurting people like this. 

I wish I could remember August 2921. I wish I knew what everyone else knows. I am sick of being told I wasn't raped. Told to take one for the team! Why tell me I was raped then? I don't remember it so, why tell me I was only to tell me I wasn't. How does that help? 

It is very clear that people do not hear as much as they should. To be told that nobody knew I remembered anything when I have said more than once what little I remember if August 2921 makes me sick. They have tested my memory a million times and,, have even said there is nothing wrong with my memory, it's those particular times that they drugged me. It doesn't matter though. As long as people believe the worst about me, that's all that mattered.

John and, one of his girlfriends put things inside a bottle of oil that were meant to kill me. I listened to her beg him and, her brother to get the bottle back because he forgot it here. I am obviously an idiot because, I didn't believe that was something people would do. It is very clear though that I am not meant to survive this. 

No matter what I say I get told that people can prove I am a liar. I AM NOT AND, THEY EVEN SAY THAT ALL THE TIME. Now that I have lost so many people that, I now know didn't really believe in me anyways, I am done trying. Prove whatever you want. Since I can't get anyone to understand that whatever they think they can prove isn't even close to the actual conversation and, they don't care that they are being manipulated just as badly as I have been, I no longer give a fuck about life.

My kids are better off without the stupid cunt that people would rather believe the worst about. Why bother believing me? Even my parents don't fucking believe me. I am tired of being told terrible things about people I love and, since I get told so much that they don't give a fuck about me, I am done trying. I am not worth anything and, this has proven it.

I give up. The only thing these people wanted was for me to die and, it worked. I was stupid to have believed in myself. I can't prove anything and, I don't want to anymore lm I am sorry that I am so fucking worthless that believing me or, God forbid actually wanting me around and, undeing just how badly hurt I have been and, how badly I have been lied to was too much to hope for. I hate myself and, that will never, ever change.

There isn't even a reason to try to like the person I am. It's ok for everyone to lie about me it's ok for people to lie to me. My kids shouldn't lose the people they live just because their mom is so fucking hated. I am tired of being told to kill myself. I am tired of always feeling worthless and, unwanted. I can't do anything right. I always say the wrong thing. It isn't even worth trying anymore. The abuse has become too much. 

I am sorry that I wasn't worth asking if whatever you heard was how things actually were. Why bother doing that? I shouldn't have ever given anyone the benefit of the doubt. How foolish of me to ask before I made any kind of judgement. They would accuse John of all kinds of things and, I would try to ask him. Of course I got punished for asking questions. I should have just trusted him and, people "who look like me shouldn't ask questions anyways!" 

How stupid of me to have believed that anyone could love me just for the person I am. Nope. The only people who love me, like I was told, wanted something from me. Wanted me to believe in them, even though they didn't believe in me. Wanted me to believe that anyone could have loved me for years like that pretended to. Hahahaha nobody can live me. I am just a joke. Just someone to believe is horrible. Not anymore. I am done being the problem. Done being blamed. Done being told I don't do enough. Done being hurt. I should have known that defending anyone was only going to cause more problems. I should have known that nobody could love me, especially not the way they said they did. Nobody wanted me to live through this. If they did, it's too late now.

The people that Lived so much have now proven beyond what I am able to handle that they did not love me. I adored them. Chose them over everyone else, except my kids, every single time. Told over and over and over that they didn't care and that I would never get my kids back if I chose them. Told terrible things. Who knew that they were true. Who knew someone would rather go to prison for things they didn't do than be around me. Now I know. There isn't a reason to try anymore. 

It is clear people are being told things about me that are terrible and, that they believe them. It is clear that believing people could understand how badly the abuse has gotten and, how I literally can not handle another word, was the wrong thing to believe. It comes from everyone. Even people that I lived so very much it just keeps coming and, this time is the end. This time proved that nobody is going to believe in me and, that I can not ever believe in anyone. 

They told me I wasn't allowed to defend people. That it only made things worse. I am no longer allowed to be myself and, I give up. I will never be able to live a normal life. I will never again want anyone around me. I will never again listen to someone I love tell me to kill myself. I will never listen to people I love tell me that I am a liar or, they can prove something that didn't happen. I won't listen to my mom tells me things like nobody will ever love me as much as John. Nobody will ever lie to me or, hurt me again. I'll take one for the team now. My kids will never, have to be told what a piece of fucking shit their mother is.

Nobody will ever lie to me about my kids again. This is the end. For whatever reason the things they have done are acceptable. I am sorry that so many people have been so hurt because I am so disliked. I didn't really believe that things were the way they are. That people were being murdered until it was too late. Somewhere in me I still believed that all of this was wrong and, that just because they lie about me and, use my voice so much that in the end, the fact that I am innocent would have mattered. It didn't. This was for for a reason and, the reason was because, I am not good enough. I have tried like hell and, the only thing that happened was, I still wasn't good enough. In fact, trying usually made me somehow appear worse.

This wasn't about my kids or, drugs or, anything other than these people wanted someone to blame all of the things they have done on and, I was told that was me. They needed a unanimous vote they said and, anytime I could do the one thing that would make someone hate me, I did it. So, now they have their vote l. According to them, even my parents voted for me. Everyone but me, knee the plan and, I should have given up a long time ago. I will never believe that anyone does anything more than pity me. Which is just another thing they wanted anyways. 

Everything that anyone ever said about Angela was taken out on me. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING. None of it had anything to do with me but, if I hadn't been alive then apparently these things wouldn't have been said either to her or, about her. To know that so many people decided to hate me without being around me and, that this has been done for so long that my life was never really my life anyways, it has all become too much. I am sorry that I didn't focus on my kids as much as I should have. They were my world and, the life I had completely fell apart. I didn't know how to put it back together without people around me to help me. I had no support anymore and, I wasn't worth anything. Just a useless junkie. Just someone to pick in and, pretend to care about. "Trust your husband" who also blames me, lies to me makes fun of me and, has gaslit me badly in person, only makes me feel sicker. 

I won't be able to get over this. The way so many people write me off and, the things they have said and, done. I am afraid to think and when something does come into my head, I brace for impact. I try to push it out as soon as possible. I hate everything about myself. The way I look, sound, feel, act. Everything about me is wrong. It always has been. I know that nobody believes me. That Angela started doing this because, she was jealous of my life. How dare I be fat and, still have confidence and, be happy. Everything my life was, was what she wanted and, she wanted to make sure I knew who took it from me. Now, she can have it. They all can have it. I do not want to hear another person for the rest of my life. 

I will never be anything but, a useless junkie that has been so badly abused everyone gave up on it.