Like Always

I am done. They are going to have to pick apart someone else. I am not going to be able to convince anyone, including my own mother, that they have been trying to kill me.

Even better, my mom knew she just "didn't care."  Can't blame her for that!

If I say something, it's wrong. If I do something, it's wrong. They fully admit the things they have done and, are still doing and, it's me that is the problem.

I am sorry that I get told one thing, then told something else. I have tried to talk to people but, I just get told they can't hear any of this. Nobody will talk to me about this but, they will talk at me. I can't fight anymore. 

This was done to kill me. I can't count howany times that has been said, even by them. 

They hurt, threaten and, have killed people using my voice. They have admitted that too. They have asked me how it feels to know they believed it was me! I feel guilty for being alive. If I had died, like I was supposed to, then others wouldn't have had to die. People blame me for that. 

To know that even though people are aware of the truth, it didn't matter, hurts. It's strange to hear people and, never be quite sure of anything. It's very, very clear that I wasn't ever supposed to trust the people I trusted. Everything I believed I get told was someone else. I get shamed for believing them, I get shamed for not believing. 

To be told if I think people are hurting me I need to check myself in by someone who knows that I am being hurt, what's the point of trying if that is how it is? 

I am sorry that they continue to threaten people's family if they are kind to me. I am not allowed to be around anyone but, John. Since he also tells me this is my fault and, has had me convinced of that for so long that I used to apologize for everything, I am aware John hates me. He married me to hurt me and, it worked. I knew he was going to end up killing me. I didn't believe it but, I knew it. 

It doesn't really matter anymore. They can say whatever they want, I have to guess if it's true. I am not going to try to figure out my own life anymore. Nothing is going to make the trauma go away. Nothing will bring my family back. Nothing gets better, even if it seems for a little while it is, it always ends up worse. 

I don't know why everyone tells me that they don't know anything. I have been told if I kept telling people I hear voices I will never get my kids back and, from the beginning they said nobody would believe me. I can't understand how people can know the truth and, hate me. 

I am stupid. There is no doubt about that. I can't really deal with this anymore. They have done so many things to hurt the people I love that I don't feel comfortable being alive anymore. I don't want to think about the things they have done because I didn't do everything they demanded. When I did what they demanded, it made things worse. Sometimes not right away but, it always made things worse. If I did what they wanted, it was always wrong anyways. They would change their mind or, I didn't do it the way they said to or, however it worked out. I finally gave up. Nothing I did was good enough. 

Somehow, I know just enough for nobody to believe me. I can't do anything even close to right and, being perfect is impossible. I have to live up to their standards and, pretty much all they do is beat me down. They did this to me and, somehow it's my fault. 

I didn't do a fucking thing to anyone. I have been honest and, I tried to tell people what they have done. John refused to believe anything I said. He swore that nobody was hurting me and, he couldn't hear anyone anyways. He just told me I am schizophrenic. He would rather convince me that I am mentally ill than be honest with me. He would rather fuck with my head, try to convince me that I said or, did something that he did to me. He would rather I believe that what was/is being done to me is my fault. Now that he is in jail and, looking at more prison time, they have gone full tilt trying to place the blame on me. I am their victim, I haven't been able to convince people of that though.

Somehow, it's my fault. Tracy openly admitted she killed people but, who cares? They admit to hiring people to kill me. They admit to sabatoging me at every turn. Angela actually laughs when I am hurt the worst. It's my fault somehow though. 

There is very little I can count on. I know someone poisoned me, a couple of times. I am told it was either John or, my brother! I believed it was John but, John swore he was my only protection from my brother and, I do know my brother has hurt me.

It is very clear that if you trusted them or, played along with them, it is going to be difficult to prove you are innocent. I am innocent and, that didn't matter to anyone. I am told how hated I am. How I should hate myself. They literally TORTURED me and, killed people and, somehow it's my fault. 

I shouldn't have lived this long! I shouldn't have survived! They refuse to believe it, actually admit since their plan hinged on it, that I do not remember August 2022, the night of November 1, 2021 and, there are a few other times in question.

I hear people happy that this was done. How they did what they had to do! Happy to have finally gotten the results they wanted. I have no self esteem left. They say they show all kinds of things that are terrible about me, just in case someone forgets why they hate me. I can't take anymore.

I am not going to be able to just get over this. They have done too many things. I never am quite sure what the fuck is happening and, I give up.

I talked to John about getting off drugs. He told me he wasn't ready and, they started chanting for me to stay on drugs. When I have tried recently to quit, they have poisoned me, then tell people I am sick because I am getting off heroin (which I have never done) they sabatoge me and, have admitted it. 

I am never going to be able to stop them. If I can't stop them, they say it's my responsibility to stop them, they will just keep doing this.

I am not a child molester or, child abuser. Yet, apparently Tracy has proof that I am! I am not. I give up. I just can't take this anymore. 

I am so hurt and, so tired of all of this. People ask me why would they love me? There were a lot of reasons to love me. I was a good person. Not that anyone believes that anymore. I am not a child molester or, child abuser and, even my own family didn't believe me. They tell me I lost everyone and, it sure sounds that way.  

I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to go through life being accused of things I didn't do. They keep threatening me and, blaming me and, I can't take it anymore. I don't want people to be around me out of pity. I can't change that Angela knew what people were saying about her because, she kept spying on people. Half the time or, more she is the one that told people what to fucking say. It makes me sick to sit here and, listen to her say that I said these things to her or, about her when she is the one that said them to me. I get told that she was the kind person. The one that was nice. My words and, who I am is now Angela. I no longer exist. Just some things to manipulate and, blame. They have even admitted that this was all planned out. That people knew their plan.

People even knew I was going to be raped. I have heard my own mother (I hope it was only her voice!) say that. How can this be what life is? 

How am I supposed to know who is watching me?! This has to end somehow. I can't handle this anymore. I sleep so much and, then get told they played sleepy time music but, of course they want me up all night so I can be punished. 

My own family doesn't believe me. I am just a financial drain to them. Who cares that my own mother lied to me and, they used that to help remove reality for me. Who cares that I am so afraid of the things they told me and, so hurt that I am afraid to be around most people. Even someone I love. I have been told they live me, then told they hate me. Where people are concerned they have hurt me so badly I am afraid to trust myself now. After last night and, this morning, I have no reason to trust myself. Trusting watci believed was used against me.

I am told that I knew all the time. I wish I had known whatever it is they think I knew. 

I know my Uncle watched me take the sleeping pills and, drink the alcohol that started the problems in August 2021. After a while they started telling me the things they did to me. Now though, they make fun of me for those things. I can only guess if what they say they did is something they actually did. I have so little memory of that entire month that I am left so afraid of what they have said that I can't take anymore. 

I can't believe that this is real life. That people have been allowed to hurt me so badly I can't survive. How can my own mother not care? How can people seriously do the things they have done and, I am blamed. I am sorry so many people hate me. I know that everyone tells me to trust John but, John has hurt me and, lied to me so much that I can't. He still tells me he can't hear any of this and, swears it's all in my head. I don't love John and, unwanted a divorce but, that is something they have also used to hurt me. They tell me I am not allowed to divorce him. I can't figure out what is real about what I hear and, what isn't. I am too afraid to go to meet people they tell me to, I have tried for the last time. Too many times I have asked and, nobody knows what I am talking about. 

Even my kids don't seem to believe me. I don't know what to do anymore and, I am sick of being hurt . Suck if being told this is all my fault. Sick of believing people care only to be told how much they hate me and talk about me behind my back. I am sorry that I am afraid

 

It has come to the point where nothing I do is believed. Defending people has made those people hate me. I can't take anymore. They don't believe that I didn't say the things they are accusing me of. Since I am so unbelievable, there isn't a reason to care anymore. Since I loved someone and, didn't want them to go through what others did, I am an even worse problem. 

I can't even get people to believe that I can't see them. If I believe anything I hear or, God forbid I actually try to tell anyone what I have been told, I am the problem. "Go ahead and blame ________!" Making it very clear that I won't be believed. 

If I say nobody believes me, which is what I am usually told, then they all gang up on me. I have to be very exact in what I say. No room for generalizations or, being in any way less than perfect with my words. 

Being told so many times that someone I love hates me and, told how he didn't trust me. He didn't want to be "stuck with me all night" and there were others there so, I couldn't be there and, I wasn't dressed good enough, has made me nervous. Especially when I get told people I think love me actually hate me and, one day I will approach the wrong person and, they will kill me. Even if I believe, I am still afraid. It was too much to hope that someone could understand and, knock in the fucking door. Too much to hope that I could meet people on neutral ground. If I met them recently, I don't remember. It didn't matter though. It has been made clear, very clear, by the way they make fun of me that I am never going to be able to be myself again. Never going to feel comfortable enough to be ablento have faith in myself or, anyone else. 

All it would have taken was one person. One person to believe that I told the truth. It would have only taken one person to openly talk to me and, let me ask them questions about this to have made it so they couldn't have done this in the first place. Even though I have said that before, they act like they didn't know. They act like that a lot. They don't believe I didn't know.

I don't know what kind of relationships these people are used to but, telling me that someone didn't have to tell me anything, that's not a relationship. Telling me hundreds of times that John didn't have to tell me the truth or, tell me anything is stupid. It was effective though. Now, someone else didn't have to talk to me and, there isn't a whole lot I can do. Apparently, I lost everyone. I guess I was wrong about how fast it takes to fall out of love too. Shocking. There is nothing left about me that I care about.

Even people I trusted. Whether I trusted them immediately or, I learned to trust them, have become people that I can't trust anymore. Something about me is just not worth anything and, each day I realize that the worthless part of me is too big for people to actually care about me. People walk away from me so quickly and, they know the truth, they just don't give a shit. 

They things they keep doing have left me so confused about everything that mattered to me that I can't take anymore. The use of my kids to hurt me, most people don't believe that either. I am their victim and, that didn't matter either. They know I can't see anyone. I have no control over any of this. They can turn it up or down, mute people do whatever they can, there is literally nothing I can do. This is being done to me. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DO THIS. I HAVE NEVER DONE THIS TO ANYONE. I DIDNT EVEN KNOW PEOPLE DID THIS UNTIL THEY STARTED FORCING ME TO HEAR THEM. 

I can't take anymore. I am mocked for loving someone, made fun of for believing they loved me. I am heartbroken and, clearly I am a moron. I CANT TAKE ANY FUCKING MORE.

WHAT DO DRUGS HAVE TO SO WITH PEOPLE TORTURING ME? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! 

I can't take this anymore. I can't. I'm sorry. It is clear my own mother helped torture me. I can't survive knowing that everyone blames me for what has been done. I give up. I give up. I hate being alive. They tell me to kill myself every day anyways. Nobody believes me or, it would seem gives a shit. I am too stupid to fully understand. Nobody will talk to me about this. My own mother lies to me, tells me she doesn't know anything. I don't want to be alive anymore. I can't get them to stop using my God damn voice and, I can't see anyone so I don't know who I am talking to  it is clear that lie to me about that. They have for a long time. Now that people I disd believe are saying the same thing the people who hate me say, I understand what I have to do.

Tracy told me the only way to get away from the abusers is to die. They wanted to prove it wasn't just Angela that did this to me and, that it wasnt just Angela that hated me. THEY HAVE PROVEN THAT. I will never be able to believe that anyone actually gives a shit about me. Never, no matter what they say to me, I won't even be able to believe again. 

My entire life has been destroyed.

My own fucking mother helped kill me. Why even give birth to me? "If I only knew how much she used to love me!" Fuck this. How a mother could say something like that to their child is so fucked up that I will never be able to care about life again. Thanks for believing me mom, oh wait, you believed me you "just didn't care!" Even better. My own mother helped kill me.