If This Is Happening To You

I wish I had known anything when this started. I don't know if anything would be different. 

The one thing I know without a doubt, if I had to do all of this over, I wouldn't.

It won't matter what you do, it will be wrong. Every day you want to be lied to until you can't handle anything. Everyone will abandon you. Nobody will ever openly talk to you above t any of this. If you are in a relationship, it's over. Happiness in any form is forbidden. Anyone you ask will tell you they don't know anything. You will be punished for literally everything. If you have kids, kiss them goodbye. You will never be able to find solid ground. The second you start to feel like you understand who people are, it will all change. You will never be able to be fully comfortable or, confident with any part of your life. In fact, life as you have known it is gone forever. People may say they care, eventually you will find out that they don't understand what has been done to you and, they give up. Everyone will give up. It's better if you give up first. They will tell so many lies about you that it isn't worth trying. They will kill people just to make sure you are hurt as badly as possible and, you will be reminded that if you had died sooner someone's loved one would be alive still. Everything will be your fault. Need any type of affection, you aren't worth it. If they decide that you need to be hurt worse they will drug you and, rape you. Kidnap you. Assault you. The best part of that is no Ody will give a shit. It's just what had to happen to keep you in your place. 

If you were healthy, you won't be anymore. If you live with someone, they will turn on you. You will be surrounded by voices and, feel more alone than you ever have at the same time. You will hear voices of people who swear they don't know anything. All that means is for the rest of your life you will never know who you can trust. They will tell you a million times that you are paranoid. It will get to the point where you just give up. Under no circumstance are you allowed to cares about yourself. You will be made fun of either way, so just kill yourself. If you have any confidence you will be ripped apart even worse. In my case, I was too cocky for someone so fat.

I didn't have a chance. I was left with nobody. People didn't understand that I am no longer a person. Just some big, fat, ugly, object to hate. You are never allowed to have normal feelings or, thoughts. Everything about you is wrong and, they won't hesitate to tell you. 

I don't know why nobody could understand that I am terrified. I hate myself more than I ever thought possible. I get lied to so much that I don't know what to think and, if I do think they will use it against me anyways. If you live someone, that will be the worst thing you can ever do. That will cause you more pain than anything in this world. Love will make things so miserable that you won't be able to stand it. That is, if you can even believe that anyone could care about something as disgusting as you are. Don't worry, you will never be allowed to forget how worthless you are. The person who lives you will be out through absolute misery too. 

Ultimately, you aren't supposed to remain alive. There won't be many reasons to want to stay alive. Sometimes it feels like people only care so they can have fun hurting you tomorrow. If you don't say every word exact, you will regret it. No more talking like a normal person. Every word has to be perfect or, you will be written off. 

Honestly, life will become so miserable that it isn't worth living. You will never, ever be left alone. Not until they are satisfied that you have nobody left in your life that gives a shit. They have hurt me so badly that I am afraid to even look at people. It always causes problems. I'm so depressed that I don't want to keep trying to live. It feels like some people just pretend. You will hear them talking about you behind your back. The best part about that is, not only will people you thought you could trust talk shit about people and, they will use your voice but, you can't have any kind of normal conversation. Every word will be analyzed and, twisted. 

Every day everyone hates you. Every day everyone is leaving you. Every day you are reminded you have no value. With everyone lying to you and, very few, if anyone wanting to be around you in the condition you are in, you should just give up. I wish I had given up a long time ago. 

They will pick and, pick and, pick. You will never know what is going on. If you think you know who is talking to you, you are stupid. That much is very clear. Reality is gone, maybe forever. You will never really understand why people hated you. Never know why people wrote you off. 

You will be called every name in the book and, even if you are the victim, everything is always your fault. Nobody is going to be able to do anything that can stop this from happening. You will die. That is the plain, cold, hard facts. You will die. They will kill you. 

You won't be able to meet their demands. You will be punished either way so, what's the point. 

Your life will become a joke. You will forever be too disgusting, fat, stupid, ugly and, anything else they can think of and, they will remind you.

You have to kiss their ass. Accept that because you are so ugly and, worthless you will be abused and, then blamed for the abuse. Told that you can't ask questions. That someone that looks like you should just be happy if someone pays attention to you. You will be left about 100 times a day. It could be true or, it could be them. Maybe you will be lucky enough to have someone who truly loves you and, wants to be around you. That will openly talk to you and, help you at least know who is talking. Any help comes with huge risks though. 

It hurts. They know it hurts. That's why they do it. When it hurts the most, they will yell "How does that feel?!" And, every person that walks away from you will tell you that you will regret losing them. Nobody will regret losing you. You are disposable. If anything just be grateful that someone might have been willing to take a chance in someone as worthless as you. It will be a challenge for sure. If they find out what will push someone away, you can get your life that they will do anything and, everything to make sure you do just that 

It's way better to give up and, die long before it gets to this point. 

They love to pretend that someone might be trying to make this stop. Nobody actually is but, they will fuck with you about that forever. They will flat out tell you that you have to die. They will hire people to kill you. You are not allowed to forget abt part of their grand plan for your demise. It hurts beyond words to hear people say that they helped me or, anything and, not be able to remember them. Even worse, the things they will tell you that you did once they are fully comfortable with the fact you can't remember anything during a time period.

You will be threatened every day. Humiliation and fear. You become ashamed to be alive. Waking up is almost as horrible as going to sleep. Sleep provides no rest. It is just another opportunity to fuck with your head. You dream what they want you to. You won't always know what was a dream and, what was real. Something that they will gleefully tell you.

They will show whatever they can about you. Real or fake. You will never actually know though. You don't get to see any of what they show, you only get to hear how people react! If you try to find any place they have put you, you won't. In my care they said they blocked it all from the providers side. They will delete any evidence you have on your phone or, any device and, they will steal the rest of it. 

By the end you will be so beaten down and, broken that you physically can not care about your own life. They will pick and, pick and, pick until you just cant stand to have ears anymore. I have been told though, that even if you are hearing impacted, you still hear them. There won't be anywhere you can go or, anything you can do. 

You won't feel confident or, comfortable in your own skin. They flat out told me that they would hurt my brother just to hurt me and, two weeks later, he lost his brother. Other people have lost loved ones and, it is my fault. I have not forgotten that. They only had to tell me that once. I can't have anyone in my life. The risk is too high. I don't want anyone hurt because I am alive, hurt because they lived me and, let me be around them. I already feel so much guilt that it is more than I can deal with. I can't handle stress. Rejection is so normal that it's almost uncomfortable if someone doesn't reject you.

If you have sex, you will be tortured badly. Told so many bad things about you that it isn't enjoyable. It becomes something you almost dread. You will be told things like your face should be on someone else's body. You will hear your partner trying to give you away and, nobody ever wants you. If you say no, that comes with severe punishment too. You will feel so hurt and, so in need of human contact and so afraid of it at the same time. If you fall in love with someone, be careful. They play these games with your head. Test you in every way possible. It makes it even harder to understand. They just want to cause pain and, it works. 

Friends are also forbidden. For whatever reason, it's the same as looking at people, it is considered cheating l. I always thought that it was normal to notice people. Normal to find people attractive. The person you are with still goes home with you. They still want you, doesn't that mean that to them you are attractive too? I guess that is weird. 

I thought what was in your head should be private. Somehow, that translated to John watching other women, talking to other women, telling them how sexy they are or, how special they are while we had sex. I have been told that is what every man in this group does. Just like it is normal to let someone else feel you having sex or, have sex through you. They made fun of me a lot for that. Apparently, I was some sex slave thing. I don't know, it all became so humiliating. I wasn't a personal n anymore. I haven't been for a long time. Just a thing. "Who wants that?" Over and, over and, over 

You will be told it isn't that bad though. Like you are pathetic for feeling so terrible about your life. It just won't be worth it. The harder you rltry, the harder they try to tear you down.

I lost everyone and, I don't know why. Something must be wrong with me. Why else would nobody want to be around me? Why else would so many people I asked lie to me? Why else would they keep getting away with everything, even after raping me and, knowing that I can't remember chunks of time?

I know I am worthless. I know they want me to be hurt. They wanted me to lose everyone and, they have done so many things to make sure that people don't care. I am sick of hearing the same name over and, over. Told if I was wanted people would be around me. Sick of being laughed at and, asked if I am embarrassed. I feel stupid for believing people cared. In my heart I know they did but, in my head at times because of how badly they want to hurt you and, how they pretend to be others, you sometimes have to remind yourself. It's hard when you don't feel confident enough to go up to someone, it will take every bit of courage to talk to someone new. Every bit of what you have in you to approach a stranger. It might be easier if you had common ground. For me, especially after they pointed out that every person I meet I will wonder if they did this to me and, the way they hurt people, it all became too much. I was too disgusting for people to be around. Plus, they kept people from being around me. If I didn't do what I was told, people weren't allowed around me. 

I am tired of all of this. Tired of being told horrific things and, then made fun of for those things. If I tried to tell anyone or, ask about what I would hear, I was told how terrible I was to think up something like that. Fear began to rule my life. Afraid to be hurt. Afraid others will be hurt. Afraid that I might think one thing and, it wouldn't be what I thought it was in person. Even though I know this time that is far from the case, I don't want someone to be hurt like they hurt others because of me. It is well known they are doing this, I have been blamed more than once. I couldn't handle it if it happened now. It is all too much and, I don't think anyone will be able to understand.

I am sorry. I just can't handle this anymore. I am too afraid to live.