I Was Wrong

For whatever reason Angela had to prove that John married the wrong woman I couldn't agree more, he definitely married the wrong woman.

So many things have been done and, so many people have been involved but, it all goes back to the same thing. 

Maybe people had a plan to kill mem to make me the patsy for their group. The group that they wanted to make sure I was never a part of. Since I had never heard of this before and they treated me like shit, I didn't want to be part of this stupid group. I just wanted my family and, to be left the fuck alone.

Everything was about John. Angela and, John were going to live in the house together. John was going to leave me for Angela. Everyone except John and, Angela were going to prison for doing this. I was supposed to kill myself and, Angela was going to say it was out of guilt. She was going to tell people that I did this to her and, that everyone helped me! So, according to her, we all do this to her then, after everyone was gone and it was just her and, John they would live happily ever after. She said she warned John and, once everyone was gone he would go crawling back to her. She was the only reality he had! Every single thing always ended with her and, John together. She was convincednthat she could get everyone to see me the way she did! I remember painting my bedroom only to hear how I had to stop because the color was too dark for Angela's preference! As if I fucking cared.

Over time. I pieced things together. At the time though, she was so harassing it made me sick. To make it worse, when John would get mad at me he would yell me how him and my daughter were going to take family pictures with Angela! Even though I was his wife and, he said for a little while that he believed me, he always defended Angela and, made fun of me!

There were so many signs of the douch bag that was to end up being John Butterfield but, I loved and, trusted him. I am the stupidest person/thing around! I believed everything he said. He wanted me to warn him when they started saying "fuck her" because that is when the abuse would get out of control. He wanted an excuse to leave and, have affairs. 

Our entire relationship was built on lies. Which seems strange to me since I told Angela that a relationship built on lies wouldn't be able to go anywhere. Everything about her was a lie. nothing she told John about her past was true. Even when I tried to explain that to him, he just kept defending her. Even when my daughter told him that Angela was doing this to her he didn't believe us. He would spank her and, yell at her and, blame me for convincing her that this was Angela! Nothing I said made any difference. 

He knew though. He knew all along. He told me I shouldn't meet his mom, that she is a psycho. I wanted to meet his family though this family he swore he was nothing like.them. He said they were crazy and, mean and, shit like that. What a fucking joke. Nothing about John was real. How he can tell that I was the love of his life, his soulmate or, how I was supposed to be his happily ever after while he is trying to kill me and, lying to me about all of this is sick.

How he can tell me that he is the only person that lives me. The only person here for me "you don't see anyone else around you you don't see anyone else here for you!" He swore my parents hate me but, they "think he is the bees knees!" 

He swore that he has never known anyone who heard voices and, that he has never heard voices. He told me that this was his first rodeo! He had me convinced that I needed protection from my brother, the one I live with. He had me believing that he was the only person on the planet that would put up with my bullshit. Except, it wasn't/isn't bullshit. He knew this was all real and, he placed the blame for everything squarely on my shoulders and, I believed him. I apologized so many times that I can't even believe that I am not an idiot. 

He told me all kinds of things about Angela. How he didn't want her as his friend. How she wasn't a threat to our marriage. How she would never do something like this. He never, ever believed me.

He even had me contact his ex girlfriend. He wanted to find out about the dogs they had together and, I didn't really think about why she didn't answer him. I loved him so, I said I would. She responded and, it was brief and, I asked him why she seemed nervous. He said he didn't know, that they just didn't talk anymore. Much, much later I was told it was some kind of code. That he told her he would find out who did this to her and, that was why he had me message her! I thought that was the stupidest thing I had ever heard. Now though, once again, this is all real. Give it a little while and, it will all be fake again. It will go back to me being punished for believing anything I hear this way. Told that John, who tells me this is all in my head, told me the truth. John who wanted to know why they didn't use my families names, only his. At the time I had no idea why he would ask that, I do now though. 

John has hurt me in ways that I can never describe. Ways I doubt I can heal from. How can anyone say they don't know what is going on, even when I asked him about my kids. He just kept pretending that he didn't know anything. Telling me he knows Inam cheating on him, which I am not, I don't love him anymore and, I have asked for a divorce so many times that I am stunned he only said yes at the end. He has lied to me and, blamed me for either doing what he said to or, believing these voices belong to actual people. He makes fun of me for asking if he got out of prison early. He told me "if that really happened" when I tried to tell him what I thought happened to me. To be told that it was John who told me I was raped 11 months after it happened when, he didn't believe anything I said, that was a hard one. Until just the last few days, I still believed that he wasn't as guilty as they kept saying. When I said that John hates me, I mean really really hates me, it sounded like my uncle who told me that I am wrong about John. How am I wrong about John? He must hate me. How else can any of the things that have happened? 

He has always made fun of me for hearing voices and, never believed me. Always taken their side. Always swore he didn't hear them.

Lately, he has been in high asshole gear though. Lately he has proven just how much he hates me. He blames me for everything. He will start spitting off things he has done to me and, act like I did it to him! He has become the biggest asshole I have ever met.

Who puts shit in their wife's birthday cake? When he brought it over, he was so happy to tell me how he made it himself. I told him how depressed I was becoming because of what is being done to me, he told me twice in a row to "just kill myself!" He swore he couldn't help me. That he didn't know who was hurting me or, how. He still tells me he doesn't hear anyone. This is, according to John, all in my head. He got mad at me once and, told my brother to call the police on me. He actually said, she is hearing voices of people who aren't real! He could have saved my family. My kids. He could have saved my life but, he just didn't hear anyone!

Then, when he wants to fight with me and, the words he uses for no reason "crunch" "plush" he even got my daughter to say crunch to me, when that doesn't work and, telling me what a shitty parent I am doesn't work. He does that a lot too. All the cards he sent from prison talking about me being supermom and, he even said it after he got out of prison, up until his mom started bragging that she got him to see things her way! When all the other things don't work, he will start repeating things he has heard this way. He will prove that he could have saved my life but, chose not to. He has fucked my head up so bad that I give up.

I have asked him about people I have heard this way. Asked him by name and, he doesn't know anyone. I asked him by nickname about one person, he swore he had never heard of him. Imagine how terrifying it was when he came the next time and, told me that I refer to him as that nickname! When? I don't even use that fucking nickname, I never did! So when the fuck did I refer to him as that person? More than once John has said something about my brother's friend Nacho. When I ask though, he swears he doesn't know who that is and, that he has never said his name. John doesn't know anyone. Then I hear "the amount of times she has talked about Obstitt and, Cupp no key will ever believe they raped her!" I didn't believe it either! I didn't believe a lot things that I heard.

John is not someone I should have ever let into my world. There are too many lies and, I get blamed for too many things he says. He gets credit for too many things I say. He swears he doesn't hear anyone but, he talks to them out fucking loud. 

He has tried to convince me so many times that I said something he said or, that even though I watched him so something he swears he didn't. He just keeps telling me that I am crazy. Die a long, long time I believed he was right. I believed that this was my fault and, if I just tried harder and, trusted him more things would get better. If I just trusted him and, didn't believe anything I heard. If I just didn't pick fights with him. 

When John came back from prison he had all kinds of sweet talk and, promises. It was all lies. Something terrible happened to me August 2021. Something so bad that I didn't remember it. Only flashes that make no sense. They woulsnt stop harassing me and, my brother kept trying to get me to drink this drink he had. I finally gave in, bought sleeping pills and, took them with the alcohol. Turns out, the drink was roofied. 

The things they tell me happened, it's terrifying. The fact that John came here and, told me that he wanted to put me in a diaper and, out me in a bench or, give me some drug that would paralyze me and, throw me into the river while these people tell me that already happened. John told me to put a bag on my head and, okay astronaut and, that I never had an original thought in my head! At one point he demanded his dog back! He even reenacted something he didn't believe happened to me! 

Through it all he has made fun of me. Lied to me. Called me Looney Bin Jenn and, told me I belong in a padded room.

John tells me that I never loved him. That I only love to suck brown dick and, that I am a whore. All the time. All while denying he knows anything!

He knows I don't know what happened to me. He knows I don't remember, they all do. 

They have decided that if I die, which was the goal anyway, second to that everyone has to hate me and, see me the way Angela does. It hurts to think that there might have been someone who actually did love me. I thought that there was. That John pretended to be him for most of our relationship. When push came to shove though, that person never wanted to be around me. No matter how much I asked for them, how much I begged or, cried I wasn't the person he wanted so, I gave up. Anyone I asked didn't have a clue who he was. It was just in my head I guess. There is no way for me to know anyways. Every Hispanic person I see outside I am told is that person. He didn't want me. He said I had to divorce John first but, I heard him telling people he only said that because he didn't think that I would. John kept refusing to sign the paperwork and, to get a contested divorce is expensive. I heard that if I went to someone's house she would make sure to notorized the divirce and, a judge would push it through but, anything else like that I was told was all fake. Anytime I went somewhere someone said they would be, they never were. Plus, they punished me if I believed any of this was real. Even though I know it is real people I wasn't supposed to believe anything. With so many people telling me they didn't know what I was talking about in person and, being told so many people wanted to kill me or, that I would never get my kids back if I was telling people I heard voices, I started to become afraid around people. Especially people I didn't know. To be told that anyone I meet from now on, I will wonder if they did this to me didn't help. 

I have given up. Completely given up. I am sick of being told that nobody love me me or, cares about me. I am sick of listening to people who swear they don't know what is going on talk to me the way they know nothing about. 

I am so sick of being told I was raped or, that my brother has raped me multiple times. Told that someone saved my life but, I don't know how they did that! I just keep being told that I am a fucking liar. All the time they tell me how rare it is for me not to remember. I guess that makes me a liar even though I am not. It's been over three years and, even though they know I can't remember, they will not stop doing this to me.

My own family lies to me about all of this. They don't know anything but, they don't mind telling me how I deserved to be raped or, how I wanted it! I can't live like this. Nothing is real and, everything is real all at the same time. My mom belittles me and, beats me down. Makes fun of me but, swears I am stupid and, I need therapy if I actually believe people are hurting me. 

Every single day it's the same thing. Nobody lives me. Nobody wants me around. Nobody will ever believe me. I have heard my mom tells me nobody will love me as much as John and, nobody will love me as much as Matt! John doesn't live me and, I don't know who Matt is. It has hurt beyond words that even though I had a close relationship with my the mom, now I have no mom at all. She tells me she doesn't believe me and, I have to give up.

My family is forever fractured because of this bullshit. Anyone I believed gave a shit about me I have heard talking shit about me. I am not worth anything and, I have given up. How can people know what happened to me and, lie to me about it? When I needed help the most, that's when almost everyone decided to "walk away" from me. 

I know now that I was raped and, that they kept me so drugged up that I don't remember almost a month of my life, a long with several other dates. They enjoy kicking me about what happened. Then they tell me someone saved me. That there was some kind of fight or, someone got shot and, I was covered in someone's blood. I heard someone say "that must be around the time she was in the hospital!" Only, I was never in the hospital. I heard someone say how"Matt eats oussy real good!" I wasn't sure why she said that or, why I cared but, I have heard more since then. How could I have been held captive and, I didn't know? Daddy's new girlfriend said that John picked me up from a store in a different city. I remember being in a different city and, I remember being in that store. By the look on John's face when I said something about that store, I know he probably did pick me up. He swears though that he didn't get out of prison early, he must have though. 

I get punished and, so do the fee friends I have. They severely punished the people that are my friends. They tried to help me. Tried to keep me safe and, they suffered for it. They continue to be threatened and, I feel so guilty because maybe if they hadn't helped me their life would be better. I get told all the time that this is all my fault. That the people that they have killed I am responsible for. "If there had been no Jennifer none of this would have had to happen!" To know that not only did John and, his mother start where Angela left off, they did the same things to me that she said she was doing. I have asked John and, his mom so many times. John said once that his mom would say anything he wanted her to. I would imagine he has her over a barrel since she has admitted to getting him out of prison. She said I was supposed to learn how to do this so I could get him out but, I do not want to learn this. They used my name and, voice for so long. I know if I learn how to do this, they will blame me even more than they do.

John swore he didn't blame me for the things that happened. Now though, he tells me I opened the door for him to go to prison. He blames me for everything even though he knows the truth. He especially blames me for the domestic he got in December 2019. He lies is ass off to me. Pretends I hit him first and, that he didn't threaten my daughter. Only once, I asked him why he blames me for that and he said that some people you just don't blame! I wish I had never met him. I shouldn't have let him into my home, I can't take this anymore.

I am sick of being blamed. Sick of feeling guilty and, nervous. Suck of feeling guilty for being alive. I am at the point where I regret surviving. I do not want to be alive anymore. I'm tired of being tested. I am never going to be good enough anyways. They make sure I know, in detail everything that is wrong with me. I don't want to know what I don't remember but, they keep pushing the point. I am now incredibly afraid. Since I have no memory of what happened I do not know who hurt me. I keep being told that someone I lived and, trusted hurt me and, I keep telling people, no he didn't! I know they have been setting him up. Setting him up had to be part of the plan. Just like in December 2019 when they said they were trying to prove true live wasn't really, really real. I figured out pretty quickly or wasn't John and, me they were trying to prove wasn't real. I just didn't know who they were talking about. I have to give up.

No more, if I live my kids I will kill myself. No more, if you don't kill yourself we will kill your kids. No more, if you had died sooner I wouldn't have to hurt and kill people. No more guilt for trying to live. No more pain for losing so many people. No more people blaming me and, lying to me. No more people telling me I am a liar. No more drama. Just peace. Something I haven't had in a long time. Just peace and, quiet.