I Can't Live Like This

There is nothing I can do that is good enough.

Everything is real and, fake at the same time. Everyone I have asked doesn't know anything and, I have no choice.

I begged for help and, it didn't matter. I can't take this anymore. I don't know why all of these people hate me so much but, it is very obvious they do.

I am not sure what I did but, it must have been terrible. They admit they have done this my whole life. They tell me all of these terrible things that have been done to me and, there isn't anything I can do to make this stop. 

They blame me for all of the things they have done to me and, even people I don't know hate me. 

I have no support for any of this. I have no idea what is going on other than, I am hated.

I guess it's just time. I can't survive with all of this in my head. Even though they admit what they have done, somehow it's still my fault. 

If all of these things they say happened are real, why didn't my mom or, someone, anyone sit me down and, talk to me?

I didn't believe the things they said a lot of the time. I asked people about this but, very few admit they can even hear this. Nobody has ever talked to me. The most I got was clues and, I was grateful to have those. When I asked about this though, nobody knew anything.

I am sorry that people believe the worst about me. My family even believes the worst. I tried to turn them in but, nobody could do anything.

Now, I have no way to want to understand. No way left to know why they would or, could do something so horrible.

I live my kids. I think about them all the time. I am told I don't think about them enough. I am sorry that my thoughts were used to hurt me I thought I was pretty normal. I didn't know if you noticed someone it was abnormal to think if they were attractive or whatever. It's not like they were who I wanted or, anything like that. Now though, my thoughts are rarely my own. My life has been completely demolished and, I can't get people to understand that I didn't do anything.

John and, I fought. He swore he didn't even hear anyone and, that he couldn't help me, then he would prove he did. He would tell me it's all in my head and, I was told over and, over that I needed to trust my husband. If I didn't trust him, things would get worse. I tried to tell him what was happening but, he refused to listen. He just didn't care 

My head has been so fucked with that, I can't take this anymore. John whonswore he would help me, helped kill me instead. I am left wondering what is going on in my own life. They wanted to kill me. How my own family can tell me they don't know anything and, help do this to me is sick.

I live my kids. I have never done the things they keep saying I did. I am very sorry that so many people hate me. Sorry that thel evidence  I had wasn't enough. I was given a piece of a text message once where someone said something about what happened in the car between John and, I. I tried to believe that John, who swore he would never be part of something like this, simply talked to someone about what happened. I defended John. Until I recently, I always defended John. He was my husband. We had talked about what we wanted from our marriage and, each other and, I trusted him. 

This attack against me and, my family has given us apart. They have killed people and, people assume the worst about me.  

In the end, it doesn't matter. I don't have to stay alive. They can have my fucking life. That's why they did this to me. "Angela can't be happy until I am dead!" Fine with me because, I am not allowed to be happy!

This is the last time I get hurt. The last time they use my children to hurt me. They do that every fucking day and, they have for years. I am done trying. Done taking this bullshit. No matter what I do it's wrong. My own mother obviously hates me. She sure as fuck doesn't believe a word I say. I hear her all the fucking time this way, the way they terrorize me yet, she swears she doesn't know anything

I am sick of hearing people say they hate me. Apparently, it's ok to torture me, use my own children and, family to hurt me. It's ok to keep me doped up on whatever it was that made me not remember what happened, as long as I am on drugs nothing can be done.

I didn't know I was raped. Someone told me 11 months after it happened! They told me so obsessively that I had to beg them to stop. They didn't. I knew a few other things that happened but, when I came to nothing matched with what I remember. I remember walking around outside without shoes but, my feet were clean. I remember losing my car keys but, I had both sets. People kept saying things like, didn't you know? Wouldnt your body have signs? I thought that was a valid question so, how could I have been raped? As time went on, they keep telling me more and, more horrific things that were done to me. They have said so much and, no matter who I ask, nobody knows anything unless they tell me this way. How can my own mother care at all about me when, she keeps telling me she doesn't know anything!!! They just keep blaming drugs.

If I try to quit, like I did once before. Things get worse. Things were so bad when I quit beife that I still remember the fear! The things they said and, did. How one minute I think I am talking to someone and, the next that same person tells me they just woke up!  Now, they have poisoned me, more than once and, everything just keeps getting worse. Nobody seems to care all that much. I told my mom and, she didn't give a fuck.

They have used my kids for the millionth time. Nothing I do it say is ever good enough. They just keep using them to shame me and, to hurt me so badly that I have given up. Every single time I spend any time with my daughter, I have to hear about how I molested her! It has come to the point where I almost dread seeing her because, I know what comes next. They have always hurt my kids when I talk to them they tell them to kill themselves because they still love me. They have done and, said terrible things to them. The other day, even though they rarely show me anything, about once a year I have seen someone, they showed me someone crying while I hear that person say they caused the accident! I was told my son was in an accident but, I don't know if that is true. They also have told me several times he killed himself and, that he accidentally shit his dad. Since he doesn't answer the phone and, no matter who I ask or what I say, nobody hears anything. Nobody knows anything in person, only the way that they have terrorized me. 

Since I do not know most of these people in person and, they hide from me, I have nobody to ask. I hear "I told you I didn't know anything but, you continue to ask!" They use every single voice so one minute someone cares, the next they don't. I am lied to about who people are all the time and, I can't see anyone and, most of the people I once knew, it's been so long I wouldn't recognize them now. I don't know what to do. 

Quitting drugs, like I said before, did nothing. I am missing chunks of time and, if they hadn't told me that, I wouldn't have known that either. I turn to my mom for help, nope. There isn't anyone I can turn to. I am afraid that it will be the same as it has always been, nobody knows anything. I am just stupid and, crazy. John always makes fun of me and, tells me it's in my head. I brought it up again to his mother last time I saw herself, nope. She doesn't know anything. When I first came to stay here with my brother, I asked him about all of this and, asked him to please ask his friends. I thought they were online all the time, maybr someone had heard something.

I asked my mom if she had seen anything about John or, me anywhere or, heard anything. Anything that might be things that weren't things that should be shown. Nope. As always, I am just crazy. When I hung up the phone, I heard someone yell, that's how you take away someone's reality! John will tell me things and, try to convince me that I told him. Things like that, just little things, have destroyed my life. I heard someone once, at least a year ago now, ask if he knew how illegal what he is doing is? Things just got worse though. My mom even once sent me a text telling me how "Angela was weird but, harmless!" I didn't even know they knew each other! My whole world has been used to kill me. One time, long before John went to prison, he got incredibly angry at me for sending a message to his mom shit talking about Angela only, I didn't send it. I wouldn't have even known it was there if he hadn't told me!

There is a big, big problem now though. August 2021, I keep being told horrific things. Things that I have no way to confirm. Things that have terrorized me so badly that I am ready to give up. It's not like there is anyone that can help me. I needed to be able to talk to people, to ask questions and, there is no way to do that. Instead, they just keep telling me. To make it worse, since I do not remember hardly anything or, anyone they tell me that both myself and, someone I continue to defend molested my daughter. They use a voice I am told is him to confirm this. So now, this person that I loved and, trusted is also telling me that we molested my child! I defend him all the time, only to hear him say I accuse him. I have never once said he raped me but, I hear all the time him and, others saying he never raped me! I know, I never said he did!

It's the way they use my kids though. That's where I needed the most help. They have done everything they can to hurt me and, they use my kids all the time. My mom lying to me has made it very difficult to trust her about anything. I hear her voice say that my daughter has AIDS and, there is nothing I can do. I ask her to have my daughter call me and, they are out of, busy and, she will forget. I understand life gets busy but, I will be brutally attacked for it. I miss my kids more than I can even say. Yet, I am almost numb to their names and, because of all the abuse and, accusations and, things that they have done, I am afraid of what will happen next. I have said this so many times that I don't have any other options left. Nobody ever knows anything so, there is nobody I can tell in person. I kept trying to tell John everything, including that but, he didn't care. Most of the time when I would tell John something, people would tell me it was him saying it to me. John, even though I believed for a long time and, trusted him for a long time, hates me. He probably always did. He definitely has been blaming me and, it's obvious there is a problem. Like this last time he was here, he just showed up. These people harassing the fuck it of me. John tells me all the time how my family hates me and, my brother wants to pour boiling water on my legs. He tells me he is the only person who shows up for me, that he is the only person that cares. After a while I would break down and, start to believe him. Not only that he would message me and, tell me how he wants to kill himself. How he sits in his room all day praying for death. How he listens to his mom and, her boyfriend talk shit about him all day long. I start to feel for him and, because of the way I feel and, how they tell me everyday to kill myself, I didn't want him to die. He would even send me videos of him "dodging" traffic on his bike! Although it was the video of him dodging traffic that made me stop caring about him killing himself. 

It is clear that what I say and, anything else isn't always what others hear. Just like what others say, I don't always hear. The things they have done have proven to me that I can't trust anyone. They have demolished my life. The only other goal they had was for me to be left with nobody in my life, just like I caused Angela when I married John! To know that people have been doing everything Angela said she did over again because, "I didn't take it seriously" it has killed me.

Angela once said that nobody would have reality. That nobody would know everything she did. I am so sick of all tting here, being hurt so badly I canbbarely leave the apartment. Listening to people tell me how much they hate me and, how I molested my children. To them tell me I don't think about them enough. I know I don't call them enough. Sometimes, like I said they are busy, sometimes they harass me so badly that before I realize it, time is gone. Sometimes I am afraid. I don't know why they would tell me how they tell my kids to kill themselves and, how they have harassed their friends because of me. They say they have shown pornography if me at their schools. I know my kids must be humiliated and, I am definitely humiliated. I don't know how to deal with it all and, it hurts. It hurts to talk to my kids knowing that so many people, people badly included them, blame me for losing them when, it was made very clear thwley were going to take them and, they said I would never see them again. They said if I didn't stop them from doing this and, make sure they were caught, I would never get my kids back! Even though I keep saying all of this, people act like they have never heard it. I have been shamed so badly for things I have never said or, done. I have listened to people telling me I abused my son and, daughter. I have heard my son, they said it was him, saying how I abused him and, how he had nightmares about it. I don't usually hear either of my kids. Ever. I don't hear them say goodnight, I don't hear a lot of things that they say I do! It kills me to think that my kids think I am ignoring them. I am sorry for all of the things that have been done. I know I am blamed for pretty much everything and, I didn't do anything. These people planned on taking my kids from me. They had to separate us to break us up. Now, they tell me in rain washed my kids! How? With love?

This has gotten to be the most disgusting thing I have ever heard of! I used to be a person and, I tried to do the right thing always. I tried to stay true to myself and, I am so sick of hearing how terrible I am. Even worse, to be treated like I was above anyone else or, below anyone else. I thought we were all equals. That is how I was raised. To listen to people be so happy that people who loved me are not people who want to be in my life or, people who were friends or, family have all written me off. I give up. I am sorry but, I can't fight for my life anymore. Even to me my life isn't worth living. I was happy, confident, a newlywed when this all started. My life had meaning and, I was headed in the right direction. I thought the future was going to be amazing. Five years later I am a problem in every life I am in. My kids and, John hate me. My life has been so manipulated and, used against me that I no longer want a life. I am sorry that this is how things are. I am not allowed to be happy. They actually told me that. They will never allow me to be happy. The delight they take in the misery they have created is sick. I have no way of ever recovering from the attack this time. At least when they attacked me before, I didn't hear them. 

My biggest mistake in life and, what they hurt me the most with was love. If I had never felt love or, happiness then, I wouldn't be in the position I am in now. Now, I don't feel much of anything. Anyone incared about was used to hurt me and, I am sick if being forced to listen to things like "Jennifer do you remember how confident you were? Look at you now!" "Jennifer do you remember how beautiful you were when this started, look at you now!" I was just a stupid woman who thought she had reasons to be a happy. A dumb bitch who fell in love with John and, it offended people. Just someone who tried to be a good mom, friend, wife and, who failed miserably at everything. 

I am sorry.