I amAn Stupid

I am not quite sure why I have to become the person I was when I met John Butterfield. It is what they are going for though. I can't reverse time. I will never be that person again. There is nothing I can do.

I just heard my own son sobbing hysterically and, their demands are impossible to meet. They tell me all the time that I have to die because, Tracy doesn't want me married to her son! Ok, then why can't he sign the paperwork! Making me wish I was never born is not helping. 

Whatever they have done, it's too much. People keep coming down on me and, I don't get it. I haven't done anything and, I don't know what they expect from me but, it is clearly more than I am going to be able to give. The longer this goes on, the more I realize just how unwanted I am in this world. My own brother will flat out lie straight to my fucking face and, I can't handle this anymore.

I will never be able to meet their demands. I am not a person anymore. I am just a toy they are tired of playing with. 

The things they do are going to make me sick, so sick I will more than likely die anyways. They have proven I am nothing in this world. Just a stupid, ugly, fat, bitch.

"Every time you put on lipstick your mouth gets smaller, pretty soon you won't have one at all!" Would it matter? They already took my voice. 

Now, I am being told that I am the person that he met before. "Not when you were a kid!" Not when I was a kid. Which means the horrific things I have been hearing are more than likely true. Which means that I am absolutely missing chunks of time and, nobody is going to be able to help me now. 

This not only means my world is gone, for good but, I don't want to have a future anymore. What would be the point? So I can relive the horror life has become over and, over and, over?

I can't tell a friend from an enemy. I fell in love with someone who, even though they were always kind when I could hear them, they opened up to me and, talked to me with love and, compassion in their voice, it is clear I am hated. Hated not just by him but, his entire family. I am not sure why but, it hurts. I don't want to have anyone near me anymore.

I don't think that I am going to be able to get over this, ever. I didn't want to make things worse for John while he is in jail but, I am going to have to stop talking to him, completely and, send him the divorce papers while he is in there. I feel bad because he says all kinds of things that make it seem like he is depressed and, I am all he has to talk to besides his mom. 

I try to be kind and, I try to think about how others feel but, it doesn't matter. I still get blamed for making everyone else feel bad.

I hear people telling others how they just don't want me to kill myself, that they don't actually want me around. I hear people hating me all the time. When someone said that I should be used to hearing my son sobbing hysterically, that was too deep of a blow.

I am here only for people to rip apart and, then demand me to be happy and, pick myself up and do better. Only, I wasn't like this when they started and, since I can't ever do anything right and, I am aware I will never be able to do anything right, I don't want to try anymore. 

My own family spends their time protecting people that have hurt me and, my children. I am their victim but, everything is my fault. I can't protect myself and, I can't protect my children. I especially can't protect them when I can't do anything good enough. 

I am done with this life. There is no longer anything about me that is worth believing in. There is nothing about me that would make me want to be alive. I am ready for the end. I no longer give a fuck what anyone says or, does. It doesn't matter anymore. I can't handle this anymore. 

I am tired of being abused. Tired of being hated. I am too stupid to understand anything and, I am so uncomfortable all the time that remaining alive and, stuck being me is the worst thing I can think of. 

I have no way to not listen. They do everything humanly possible to rip me apart.

I will never, ever, even if I live 100 more years have a bigger regret than John Butterfield. He lied to me about everything. Lied to me so much I don't know very much about him or, his family. All his promises are the same and, he never follows through. Then, when I catch him in his lies, watch him torture me, listen to him try to alter my reality and, I say something, I get punished for it.

There is no reason for me to have hope. No reason for me to believe that my children's lives are better with me in them. There is nothing left of my life and, instead of talking to me or, helping me most people just hate me and, want to help destroy me. 

I am just some disgusting thing that is not allowed to make its own decisions. Just someone that most people regret. 

I am tired of being punished for being so abused and, tired of listening to the most sick people I have ever heard.

They remove my reality, especially where people are concerned. To the point where I am finding it harder and, harder to leave the apartment where I am so unwanted they put toilet water in the food and, drink. Because very few people want to be around me and, the things that they have convinced me are true or, could be true, I have felt that, even though I am the victim, this is all my fault. If I try harder to be perfect someone will treat me better. If I can just prove I am a person too, maybe they will let me be happy again. If I can do everything they demand, the way the want it done, I will be with my children again. 

This has gone on long enough now that I know there is nothing I can do. I can't take the pain anymore. I agree to stop using and, immediately am told that they won't stop until I am not as fat as I am now. There is always an excuse and, I do not want to be alive. I UNDERSTAND WHO I AM NOT AND, I WILL NEVER WANT TO BE ALIVE. I WILL ALWAYS BELIEVE I AM A MISTAKE. SOMEONE THAT PEOPLE REGRET CARING ABOUT.  SOMEONE THAT PEOPLE WOULD RATHER HIDE FROM. SOMETHING ABOUT ME IS DEFECTIVE AND, IT CAN NOT BE FIXED. 

My life is controlled by people who hate me and, this isn't living. I am not sorry that I died. This is what had to happen. This is the way they all wanted it. This is why, even though it would have saved my life, everyone pretended they didn't know anything. I am just crazy according to so many people. I must be something that had the be exterminated. Why else would I get punished based on what other people have done? Why else would so many people lie to me? Why else would people blame me for Tracy using my voice and, name to kill people? Why else would so many people want to help kill me? 

I am sorry I am so hated. Sorry that whatever is going on has been placed at my feet as the sole person responsible for this continuing. They sabatoge me in a million ways then, blame me for not being able to overcome their abuse. Since I can't get anyone to talk to me about this and, the fact is most people don't want to be around me anyways, I can't get people to know what I actually say and, they don't know what I actually say. I get told that Unsound like someone else all the time. Like I am trying to pass myself off as someone else. Like I am a pretender or, so jealous of someone else else. Sort of like Angela T. did to me. 

They have kept me so confused and, in so much pain that I don't want to try. Each time they made a deal with me, it blew up in my face. They torture my children simply because, I am their mother. They promised to stop doing this to kids if I turned in everyone. I turned in the people I knew were doing this to me. There were a lot of names I didn't know and, that was three years ago l. I haven't turned anyone in for at least a year but, I get told I did. It does no good to argue. 

I am only sorry that I won't be with my children again and, that it took me so long to give up and, realize the truth about me.

I should have known when 6 months into this, if it was even that long, I heard someone ask "when is she going to kill herself? This gaslighting is taking forever!" Which makes me hate people even more when they make fun of me for telling them that they did this to kill me.  Just like when they make fun of me for saying they are torturing me but, one of them made it very clear the only reason they did this was to "see what it felt like to torture someone!" Their lies have made me fully understand that I am worthless. Too pathetic for people to want to tell me the fucking truth. They did though, for a long time. Why they pretend this wasn't done to kill me is beyond me.

It was very, VERY clear. I am to be their patsy, I am the fall guy for their crimes. I am how they get away with everything. They needed a "unanimous vote" before they could kill me and, blame me and, it would seem they were able to get it! I hope they stop pretending now. I am so hurt that they were able to even get my parents on their side but, at least I know where I stand. This was their big plan and, it worked perfectly. I didn't stand a God damn chance even when people were on my side. Now that I am this hated, I don't want to try anymore. Life isn't worth it.