I Am Sorry

There is no way to deny that all of this is my fault. They have been very clear in their explanations and, I accept that ai am the problem. If I had done more to be seen as a person and, not the waste of life that I clearly am, maybe there could have been a different outcome.

When your own mother doesn't care about the things that have happened and, also justifies the brutal things that I can't remember, there is no point in trying anymore. It was what needed to be done apparently. My family would rather support my brother, who I know for a fact gave me the drink that was roofied and, I am told had not only raped me multiple times but, let people into this apartment to hurt me, there is no longer a point in caring about my life. My brother, as long as I know my place and, be his servant, has no problems letting me stay and, have a roof over my head.

I have lost almost everyone. My kids are not ever going to be raised by me again. I did nothing and, I have paid (so have others) a high price. I am sorry that my life has caused so much pain and, drama for so many others. I didn't know about all of this and, I thought I was a good person. I regret thinking anything good about myself when this has proven what a pathetic waste of life I am. I am sorry that my life is have been drug through all of this. I didn't realize just what this was until it was too late. Now I know my place in the world and, I won't forget it any time soon. 

I am truly sorry that I am the thing that I am. There is nothing more I can say. As I sit here and, listen to the asshole that roofied me and, continues to brag about how he raped me and, he doesn't give a shit, I realize that nothing they did was wrong. It was me that deserved to be treated like this. It was me that needed to learn my place in the world. It was me that caused all of this to happen. I am sorry again that people I love so much have been hurt because of my life. I am not who I believed I was and, I wish I could fix the damage I have caused. I am sorry. 

Even though it makes no sense at all, they tell me that I am child molester. They have said terrible things about me for a long time. At one point Angela swore she had evidence that John had molested my daughter. Her mother was going to call the police and, said I should too. I called and, I defended him. I didn't believe it but, since they said they were calling and, I should too, I did. These people called back and, John talked to them. He knew who they were. He said he hated me from that moment but, he was aware of what was happening. Now, they have hurt me to the point where I would say anything to get them to shut the fuck up. They hurt others too and, now that it is clear everyone believes I am a fucking child molester there is no point in my life continuing. Nobody gives a shit anyways. Everything they have done, I deserved. Who knew people could torture you, say anything they want and, if you react in any way, you die.

I hate myself for being alive. I hate everything about myself. Who I was and, who I am. I hate listening to people I love crying and, knowing if u had never been born they would be happier. I give up. These people did what they had to do to correct the mistake I have always fucking been.