I Am Sorry

I am not ever going to be able to get people to understand or, to believe me.

To know the kind of love that I had and, know that it is gone after being told that everything I have been through isn't that bad. I have no hope left in life. I hate myself more and, more every day and, I give up.

I don't have any friends. I don't have any family. I don't want to remember the type of person that I could have had and, how easy it was for him to get over the "love" he said he had for me. I have been taught how easy it is to replace me. How easy it is to give up on me.  It seems like the men that say they live me always have someone waiting in the background. It is very clear that I will never be someone that can be lived for very long. 

I have learned all the lessons I am going to learn. Each time I only get hurt worse and, I do not want to believe anymore. 

It is clear that mean it when they say this will be the way the rest of my life is and, it is just as clear that I have no reason to trust that anyone gives a shit about me. I have never felt more pain and, sadness. My family is gone. I have no hope of ever getting my family back. I am not going to be able to convince anyone that I am not the person they think I am. 

I am sorry that my life continues to hurt people. I am tired of hearing the people I love and, adore the most crying because of something I have done. I am sorry that nobody can believe anything I say about myself. It is sad to be told that everyone else knows so much more about me than I do.

The lies and, pain that are being healed into others, especially the people I love, I can no longer survive this way. I will never be able to get over any of this. 

I don't want to live a life where I can't trust anyone. Where I have to question if someone feels they way they say they do it, if they are just trying to get me to let my guard down so they can hurt me. It is obvious that too many people want me to hurt and, I can't catch a break. I am devastated that I trusted someone when I know that I am not a person anyone can actually love. I have learned that the hard way. 

Love has become the most painful weapon they have used against me. How can love be real when all a man does is keep someone in the side, waiting for me to disappoint them? Since there are so many people who hate me and, blame me for things that I didn't do, people who are doing everything they can to make sure I am hurt, I give up.

Nobody wants me around. I am not allowed to make friends or, talk to anyone. I am only allowed to sit here and listen to people who pretend to love me be hurt and, blame me. I am done being able to believe in myself. I wasn't supposed to still be alive and, nobody is allowed to love me or, help me in any way. 

Since this is all my fault and, the people I love so much are being hurt so badly, I will simply remove myself from people's lives. Then, they can no longer blame me. 

I am never going to want to live. Why bother? These people have done everything they can to kill me and, everything I have ever done is wrong. That is the one thing I can be counted on for. EVERYTHING I DO WILL ALWAYS BE THE ONE THING THAT I NEED TO DO TO HURT PEOPLE I LOVE. 

I don't have a place in this world anymore. I am not able to feel safe, happy, confident or, anything good. These people will stop at nothing and, it is clear that will c1ontinue.

They have killed people and, admit it but, I am told it's my fault. "I am going to hurt your brother Ryan because, it will hurt you!" "If you had killed yourself sooner then I wouldn't have had to do this to others. Everyone will blame you for it though!"