I Am So Disgusted

This gets more and, more disgusting by the minute. 

I am as miserable as humanly possible. I sit here and, listen to people making fun of me for wanting to go and, spend time with the last people I thought of as family or, friends. Telling me how last time I was there, they were making fun of me and, just things like that.

They are the people that took my children away in the first place. This group of people that are so cruel there is no end to it. They hurt my children and, demand that I focus solely on them, I am not allowed to focus on myself or, anyone else at any time, only them. I said I liked myself and, my life more when I was able to make my own choices. Then, I get told how this is how someone made her feel and, she would love to see me be the mom I was before. That now ink is why she is the mom she is! Not only did that stop me dead in my tracks, I was a good mom, I am a good mom. I am hurt in a lot of ways and, unable to heal, I am never going to be ok but, I hear my own mother tell me to turn myself in. People are acting like I said that shit to someone else! People have been acting like I have been doing this to them! I am sick to my stomach and, I haven't done anything to anyone!

I had this plan for our future. I was going back to school, I would have been half way through by now. When I retired, I wanted a little second hand store. I had goals and, they were within reach. Everything in my life has been destroyed. Every part of the woman I was has been so picked apart and, I have become someone else. Someone who is afraid of things that should have been joyful, happy, good things. 

Each time I think maybe this will stop. I get accused of doing this to others. It will never stop. I can't ask my mom about any of the things I hear her voice say, she tells me she doesn't know what is going on. I have tried to ask before, it is pointless. It's the same with everyone. What I hear could be true or, it could be fake. I might never find out about some of it. I might never find out about any of it! 

I might never be able to live anything that resembles a normal life. I don't know if I will be able to make new friends. The things I am told and, that I hear have hurt deeply. Things that have been done to me, have destroyed my self esteem. Any time I start to build it back up, they chip it down so quickly that I can't catch my breath. My relationship with my mom and, the rest of my family is gone. They weren't there for me and, they helped do this to me. I am told even my parents make fun of me behind my back. How they talk about how I look fatter every time they see me and, things like that. 

They have defended my brother who has hurt me. My only other option is to be homeless and, people not only accuse me of being a child molester but, also if doing this to them. People I thought I could trust based on what I heard and, conversations we had clearly were not at all how I thought things were. Now, I am left in a situation where I am uncertain what is real with the people I have heard and, who to reach out to. Who ni going to be able to let my guard down around when everyone makes fun of me and, I am too afraid of who might have helped do this to me to meet new people.

Nothing makes any sense and, I am at my wits end. 

I have been told this is just something John's family does. That only makes me regret marrying him even more. He has always denied knowing it, hearing anything and, swore he couldn't help me. 

I feel so disgusted with myself. For the first time in my life I truly hate myself. I feel so fat, ugly, stupid, unwanted and, then I get told that's how I make John feel, that's how I make everyone feel. Now, I hate myself even more. I have always tried to be as kind as possible. Tried to accept people for who they are and, give them advice when they ask for it. I am sorry that so many people can hear me. One person asks something and, 20 others get pissed at me for answering. I go hours sometimes without thinking because, I don't want to get bitched at. I already hate myself, I try to do everything I can do I don't have to hear people tell me more shitty things about me. Even I have a hard time finding anything good about me now. I never used to think negatively about myself or, anyone else. Now, it's almost all I think about myself. I sometimes can barely make even the simplest decisions. They tell me I have to stay with John or, be alone for the rest of my life because nobody would want to be with someone who is like I am now! 

All day and, night I hear people say they used to like me or, they used to think I was a good mom, hard worker, motivated, pretty, ect. Now, they don't. I am told I abused myself. Lol I have been so badly abused I am afraid to think and, I somehow did this to myself.

I didn't know just how lucky I was. I had no clue that there were people who could see me. No clue that there were people out there that cared about me. They don't anymore but, I only found out about these people AFTER they stopped caring. Now, I look at my life and, I know what could have been but, there is nobody who wants to be around me. I hear it all the time. 

I will never know what happened to me August 2021. There are too many different stories. What I believe is true is opposite of how I should feel now. How I feel now is marginalized because, nobody believes me. The person I wanted to spend time with and, get to know more didn't want anything to do with me. Now, it's the same with someone else. I feel so hurt. I have been so lied to and, so damaged from all of this. I don't feel like I have anyone. I thought maybe I could have met someone I heard but, I wasn't able to. For whatever reason, I just can't seem to do whatever it is that people need me to. 

I literally feel like I don't have anyone that I can let my guard down around. I feel like Inam a joke. Something that used to have good in them but, now I am pathetic. They hurt me so badly and, I am so afraid of whatight have been real. What I might have been able to have in my life if I hadn't been tortured like this. I can't understand what I did to make people believe that the abuse they heaped into me was ok. I am sorry for whatever it was. 

I am just really sorry. As far as I knee, I was a good person. Since I can hear people saying yeah right, there is no point in trying anymore. I have nobody who can help me. I am sorry, I can't start over. I have kids. I wanted to raise them and, everything has been ripped away from me. They have admitted that they took my free will away. I have admitted everything I have done. I apologize for not remembering some of the things they say I did. I told them everything I know. 

I am not a child abuser or a child molester. I am just a person they were able to blame for everything. I know who I am, who I was. I wish I had been able to understand the battle I was put into. I really was a good person and, a good mom. I love my kids so much it hurts to be without them. It hurts to not hear from them. Drugs were not a factor in losing them and, they were not a factor in getting them back. These people were doing this to the police and CPS and, they wanted me to lose my kids. I "was a good mom and it made me more attractive" since they need everyone to hate me so they can blame me, I had to lose them. My life went downhill from there. I miss them so much.